Should I be doing the transport if xh moves?

(24 Posts)
peedoffbird Mon 18-Mar-13 16:38:00

Tewa I would never jeopardise his contact and never have. He sees her as much as he likes. All these years he has criticised my parenting, called me "inept" (his favourite word for me) and putting me down. He has paid a pittance. I have had to cancel after school activities for dd due yo lack of money.

Then all of a sudden the perfect parent decides to up and leave. I have just heard from him saying that dd is growing up and split care is not good for her and she will be going to secondary in a year anyway. I am gutted for my lovely dd who loves her dad so much. He is disgusting. So upset.

Thanks Tribpot for your support and all others who understand.

Losingexcessweight Mon 18-Mar-13 11:59:02

It would be nice to share the travelling to be amicable etc..

BUT if you haven't got the money, then you haven't got the money, you can't just magically make money appear.

If he's fiddling the CSA with the amount he earns so he pays less maintenance than he should, then it's only fair he does all the travelling.

If you didn't do the pick ups, would he do the travelling anyway or would he not see your dd at all?

betterthanever Mon 18-Mar-13 11:30:04

I'm just saying that parents should work together

I think that is the point, he will not work with the OP, he is making descions and expecting the OP to do as he says. The RP only needs to make the child available for contact not drive/fly them wherever the NRP wishes them to be.
To suggest that not being willing to do this is being ostructive is not helpful, it plays into the hands of the people who want it all thier own way and use such rhetoric to blame the RP who is probably doing much of the parenting in any case and most of thier life revolves around the child's best interest. To suggest different is just insulting. This is someone wants to reduce contact in this case and appears to be putting his own needs first on ever level.

Tewa Mon 18-Mar-13 10:27:27

tribpot - if she can't afford it she can't afford it. And the ex should realise it. I'm just saying that parents should work together (I know I am stating the obvious here).

She should make this simple fact clear to him with an email that says `I cannot afford to do all/some/any of the travelling but believe it's very important for dd to have a meaningful relationship with you and believe it is in her best interests to have contact'.

And leave it at that.

He can say what he likes (and he will). If he decided to take it to court and try to suggest she's being awkward he will likely be told `You can do all the transport if she can't afford it'.

I know of a similar situation where the ex moved about 500 miles away from the kids and then demanded Mum pay for flights! She's done so, can't afford it and he's taking her to court. She's not denying contact but he's bullying her and she now has proof (the sort the court will accept) she can't afford it.

tribpot Mon 18-Mar-13 09:07:20

Tewa the OP simply can't afford it. I would agree that in different circumstances the parents could have a sensible dialogue about how best to facilitate the contact. But this seems like a simple attempt to manipulate the OP into appearing to be the one denying contact by creating conditions she cannot fulfil.

SorrelForbes Mon 18-Mar-13 09:00:16

DH's EW moved away a few years ago. Since then we have done all the pick ups and drop offs and paid for all train fares. It's such a difficult situation for everyone but DH had no choice if he wanted to see his children. TBF to DH's ex it would have been difficult for her to help with the driving as she has a young baby.

Tewa Mon 18-Mar-13 08:51:47

From a legal term there is no `should' in this situation. There is nothing in the Children Act to cover this.

If you're speaking from a child-focused (and moral!) point of view what you (and your ex) `should' be doing is working together in a child-focused manner to ensure your DD's best interests are met. This includes having a meaningful relationship with both parents and them working together.

Forget your ex and what he is doing. What is in your DD's best interests? If it's in her best interests to have a good relationship with her Dad and he is being awkward about transport is your reluctance for financial/not doing it `on principal'/telling him like it is. If you decide that contact is in her best interests and you say for example `If he isn't going to play ball he isn't going to see her...' well - he's not interested (and not child-focused) and you're effectively doing the same.

And yes - I understand that if the other parent is selfish it makes it very difficult! grin

peedoffbird Mon 18-Mar-13 02:37:57

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I have discovered tonight that he hasn't actually told dd the truth about all this. He hasn't told her that he won't see her mid week. I mentioned it and her little face crumpled. I feel sick. I probably didn't say the right thing and my poor baby is upset. I just assumed she had been told. God I hate him.

It seems that new wife wants to move back home near family and friends and job. However there is another alternative that would mean they could be in the right place for work and not so far away but that doesn't seem to be an option.

Bastard and bitch angry

betterthanever Sun 17-Mar-13 20:21:34

His numbers game with overnights isn't going to work very well if he's painted himself into a corner about pickups, is it? Not a great strategic thinker this one! well said

I was going to post something similar - when the midweek contact stops he may find himself having to pay more CSA and if he takes you to court about the pick up's/ drop off's you will have it in writing.
No you don't have to do it. Sad for your DD but you sounds like a great Mum.

CremeEggThief Sun 17-Mar-13 20:10:55

It's entirely up to him to pick up and drop off.

tribpot Sun 17-Mar-13 19:59:51

His numbers game with overnights isn't going to work very well if he's painted himself into a corner about pickups, is it? Not a great strategic thinker this one!

iwantanafternoonnap Sun 17-Mar-13 19:51:55

I have been to court about this with my ex and I refused to do it. The social worker agreed and so did the judge. I basically said that I couldn't afford to do it, he is the one that moved away, I do all the parenting the least he can do is pick up DS, that I would get rid of my car if they tried to force me and that it he has all week to do what the fuck he likes and now he wants to control the two days I have free by forcing me to drive. Plus I also said I am sure that you can not force me to get into my car and drive and who would be responsible if I crashed due to being so stressed and angry about being forced to drive. He was made responsible for all pick ups and drop offs and it was written into the contact order. He was/is a total arsehole though.

VBisme Sun 17-Mar-13 19:41:01

We (DH & I), relocated a couple of hours away for work. He never considered asking his ex to do any of the travelling, it's not her fault that his job was relocated.

FWIW we've found the distance is too much and are moving back to our home town as soon as we can sort jobs out.

peedoffbird Sun 17-Mar-13 19:25:59

He is giving me the bare minimum according to the CSA and is playing a numbers game with regard to nights he is having her. He earns very well

tribpot Sun 17-Mar-13 19:23:44

Well sharing the travelling would certainly be more civilised all round - but as he's not being civilised in any case, why the fuck should you help him out?

kinkyfuckery Sun 17-Mar-13 19:02:36

Why is he not giving you enough maintenance? You need to get that sorted asap.

peedoffbird Sun 17-Mar-13 19:01:33

Thanks everyone. Ilove hw means he will collect from school in Friday and he wants me to collect from him Sunday night. I just can't afford it. He is a twat for doing this to dd. I guess they can Skype but its not the same. Also I will have to use childcare more which I can't afford. Poor dd. Breaks my heart.

Bumply Sun 17-Mar-13 18:54:18

Xh and I live an hour apart. We used to share most of the travel - he'd drop off, I'd pick up etc. then he cut down contact and said he'd do all the transport. Now they're older they go by train each of us paying one way per visit. Xh living so far away was a compromise of where he worked at the time and being close enough for visits.
Moving further away and saying you have to do all the transport is taking the piss, especially if he doesn't give enough maintenance to cover it.

kinkyfuckery Sun 17-Mar-13 18:53:49

I think legally if he is the one that moves, he is the one that is to make pickup and drop off arrangements, by agreement.

MortifiedAdams Sun 17-Mar-13 18:51:19

He should be doing the collecting - pick her up from.school fri afternoon and drop her back there.on the Monday.

tribpot Sun 17-Mar-13 18:51:01

Good job my dad didn't try that one - he moved to mainland Europe! I don't think my mum would have been mulling over who pays for the travel, and nor should you.

Does he have a proposal for making up for the mid-week contact? Skype?

I agree, btw, that it sounds like he's making excuses to drop the contact. What a complete prick.

so does he mean he will collect from you and take her to his house and then you need to pick her up from his house

IncognitoIsMyFavouriteWord Sun 17-Mar-13 18:47:23

No he is responsible.

However by the sound of it its like he is looking for an excuse not to see your DD.

If he chooses to move away then he needs to travel to come and see her.

sad for your DD

peedoffbird Sun 17-Mar-13 18:43:53

Xh and new wife are potentially moving an hour away and dropping contact completely during the week. My main concern is for the impact this will have on dd. She is already sad about the thought of it.

Xh is saying that when they move, I will be responsible for pick ups so a round trip of 2 hours. He doesn't give me enough money as it is and things are very tight financially. There is no way I can afford the petrol for this.

Am I right in thinking his decision, he does the transport?

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