ex wanting get a lodger in his flat...me freaking out, am i right or wrong?? :-(

[happyatlast]

Ok I will keep it brief but I really want an honest opinion on this one.....I am a few weeks off 39 (eek), my ex is 22, the age is important in my eyes which is why I put his age, anyway long story short, we have a 3 year old ds. I have two older children which are not his so for this reason feel I am a little bit more qualified on parenting than he is, plus the age thing.....

Anyway, he lives on his own in a 2 bed flat......he started work recently......about 6 weeks ago.....hes just called me and told me hes thinking about getting a lodger in to help with the bills which is fair enough but the reason why I freaked out is this........hes young, and so, so will his lodger be most probably, he still is clueless about a lot of childcare issues, but heres the main bit....hes so easily led its unreal.....the last time he lived with a guy similar age to him, the house was a shit hole, beer everywhere, he was hungover most days, and there was generally a lot of stuff left lying around that I wouldnt want my daughter to get her hands on, like medicine etc, beer cans, ash trays...yuk!!

So anyway I have told him he can have a lodger but that if he wants to see his daughter its going to have to be at his mothers as I know what hes like, he wont tell his lodger whats safe and not safe for a 3 year old, he becomes lazy when hes got a mate around, like its uncool to keep the place clean and I know he will spend most days when hes not working drinking beer and watching football with the curtains shut...always with the bloody curtains shut!!! kids need daylight fgs, and I dont think its a healthy atmosphere for my daughter to be around.

Also hes planning on letting my daughters room out to this mate, thats her room, so shes going to have to sleep in with her dad everytime??

I am just not happy with it at all, but please tell me if me saying "if you're having a lodger then you cant have her stay over" is wrong.

[queenofthepirates]

On the face of it, telling your ex where he can see your daughter is wrong HOWEVER!..... Of course you are right to voice your concerns and explain to him why you are worried. Hopefully he will meet you half way and choose a suitable friend to move in who will be mature enough to keep the place tidy (and it's not like kids mind mess!)

Parenting is a process and when you've done it already, it's hard to watch someone else making mistakes without trying to step in and law down the law. A good relationship with your ex is more important for your daughter than putting your foot down so I would suggest negotiation, voicing your thoughts and going gently.

But I don't know your ex!

[FireOverBabylon]

Focus on his relationship with his daughter. Ask him where his lodger will sleep, as your DD has a room to herself, as does he. You daughter is a toddler now, but what will happen in a year's time when she starts school, needs to do reading at her dad's etc.

If he's getting a lodger then he's not "liv[ing] with a guy a similar age to him" - he'll need to have a contract in place, specify what rooms the lodger can use - is he having the bigger bedroom but no lounge access, what cupboard space will he have etc. The lodger shouldn't be having anything to do with your daughter; it's supposed to be a business relationship between your ex and the person who moves in with him.

It may be that he's decided the money from a lodger is a good idea but hasn't thought through any of the associated practicalities; don't just be negative, explain the above points to him and stress that you want assurances about your DD having her own space for her bed, toys etc before she will be visiting with a lodger in residence. Has he even told a prospective lodger about the 3 year old; that'd put a lot of people off. 5.30am starts, shrieking when they get over tired, sticky hand prints on anything left in the living room, even if it's not her dad's....

[happyatlast]

The lodger is a work colleague who is similar age, he doesnt know him well, known him 6 weeks.

[FireOverBabylon]

I'd be more worried for the lodger then, if your 3 year old sleeps / eats anything like mine. Why would a childless bloke in his early 20s want to move in with your ex's "ready made family" I know he doesn't spend loads of time with DD but he would still be moving in with a father / child pairing

[happyatlast]

I dont know what to think, i just know my ex, one of the reasons i kicked him out, so easily led, and if this guy wants to drink himself into a stupor, my ex will join him regardless of whether my daughters there asleep, and I can just see her now, my ex with a hangover in bed and my daughter playing on her own at 6am whilst my ex sleeps. :-( I am up between 5.30 and 6am every morning, when my daughter is up, I am up, I dont drink, smoke and go for months without going out. i dont expect him to be the same but I know he will be practically the opposite.

[Lonecatwithkitten]

Happy I have been mulling this over since you posted on my thread. Have you been to mediation before? Being in the middle of mediation myself this feels very much like a situation where having an independent third party might help so that you can both hear each others point of view.
In my situation (not quite the same) I know legally there is nothing I can do, but mediators seem very positive that there is a good chance of making ExH see that he needs to be more reasonable and considerate to DD.