Has anyones ex gained interest after seeming to not care?

(8 Posts)
PixieFlying Tue 05-Mar-13 12:37:52

My ex doesn't seem to care about DD at all. We split during the pregnancy, and she is now 9 months old.
He will sometimes see her for 1-2 hours a week, where he doesn't pay much attention to her, and generally just tries to find out when I have plans and insist on visiting then.

Other times he will loose contact for weeks at a time, and not reply if I say she's poorly, when she was in hospital, or if I ask when he's free.

I was wondering if anyone else's ex's have been like this, and then gained interest at a certain age?

MySonIsMyWorld Tue 05-Mar-13 13:03:45

Ex has been gone nearlly 4 weeks, so far no interest. He was in our lifes but in and out but we were together for 3 years and ds is 22 months now - seems as though he doesnt care about us now. I dont think there will be any interest in me or ds in the future why should there be? he living a lovley life with his wages and no responsiblity!

PixieFlying Tue 05-Mar-13 23:18:20

It sounds like he's a very selfish man.
In a way I would prefer ex to do that until he can actually commit though. It's the constant coming and going and not knowing where we stand that is so confusing. It's like it's all a game to him for when he's got nothing better to do.

purpleroses Wed 06-Mar-13 08:18:27

Can you not set up some sort of contact routine? You don't have to just let him come into your home whenever he feels like it. Even if you don't want DD to be with him for more than a couple of hours, you could ask your ex to set out which hours he wants. You can also ask him to take her out somewhere - or drop her off at his place. It's only by spending time actually caring for her when you're not there that he'll start learning to be a dad.

In answer to your question - split when DD was 3 months and DS was nearly 4 years. Ex was always fine with DS but wouldn't take DD out with him unless pushed by me. Saw her as a baby and not really his reasonability. He's fine with her now, but I did push him to have her quite a bit from age of around 9 months when I went back to work and weaned her onto bottles meaning she could start doing 1 overnight a week. It's a difficult balance if your ex is crap putting enough pressure on him to care for DD without giving him too much responsibility that you're worried he won't cope. I wouldn't encourage him just to give up until he can commit though - I think men do find older children easier, but the only way to build up the bond with her is going to be by spending time looking after her.

PixieFlying Wed 06-Mar-13 09:54:28

I wouldn't feel happy leaving her alone with him yet, he has shouted at her a for crying 5 separate times, and has a very short fuse with her which results in her being very distressed by the end of each visit even with me there.

I've tried to set up a contact routine, but he always insists he doesn't know his work hours, or just says "well i might be free on so and so day, but i don't know for sure so i'll let you know"
Short of me saying he can't see her unless he organises in advance, which I think would just result in not hearing from him again, I can't see a way of getting a regular routine of visiting.

Do you think he would have still begun to take an interest at a slightly older age without your pushing/his previous relationship with DS?

MySonIsMyWorld Wed 06-Mar-13 13:06:13

think you need to be stern, tell him what days he can come if he cant his loss but dont go out your way to bend over backwards for him. he will have to make the effort too! men!!!!

purpleroses Wed 06-Mar-13 17:52:15

Do you think he would have still begun to take an interest at a slightly older age without your pushing/his previous relationship with DS? - it's hard to know really. He definitely developed a relationship from being pushed into it though. Only by actually being responsible for her, as opposed to just visiting her. I guess you need to figure out how far you're happy pushing him to look after her, or how much you really are concerned about her safety. If you're never going to be able to let him look after her safely, they I can't see the relationship between them will have much future.

Is there someone else who could help him learn to care for her? His mum maybe? Or some friends who have young children? People you could drop her with so he could look after her, but there'd be someone else keeping an eye on him?

StrugglingBadly Wed 06-Mar-13 18:08:37

My ex lost interest for about 2.5 years, when DD was about 3/4, for a number of reasons. I left him to his 'sulk' and eventually, he came round a bit more to seeing her more regularly. It's still a bit hit & miss, but DD doesn't expect more, doesn't ask for more but enjoys her time with her dad when she gets it. Not ideal, but the best she can hope for, and as we are far too busy to worry about him, we don't give it much thought. We always have open lines of communication and are pretty flexible with most of the contact when it happens - learned a long time ago not to push him for more as it just makes him dig his heals in further. I don't drop firm plans I've made but can be flexible enough to accomodate him when he asks as long as we have no firm plans.

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