Shall we have a "new single parent" chat thread?

(97 Posts)
BrittaPerry Sun 24-Feb-13 22:04:35

I get the keys to my new house on Thursday and I am BRICKING IT.

But also quite pleased :-)

Is anyone else new to all this? Or used to it and wants to share advice/chat?

IneedAgoldenNickname Sun 10-Mar-13 19:59:38

Welcome to the club Mum hope you're ok, and we're here if you wanna talk about anything. Xxx

Mum2Fergus Sun 10-Mar-13 19:05:21

Can I join? Ex left us today hmm

IneedAgoldenNickname Fri 08-Mar-13 18:53:08

How is everyone? I can't believe your exes stalk you on here! Mind you mine might, I don't know!

Just thought I'd share my news, I got offered an invite at the uni I really really want grin I'm so excited, although more than a little terrified!

12stonelighter50feettaller Fri 08-Mar-13 10:20:04

Hi all, shock piemother, I too would be fuming. He's just desperate to keep some control, isn't he? Has he had his bollocking yet?

Welcome bluebeard.

glitternanny my ex has started having the kids more from last month. I do miss them, but feel a lot more rested and able to deal with parenting alone when I do have them.

Ds is struggling with everything at the moment, I wish I could do something to take his pain away, it is horrible watching him grieve his daddy not living with us. He keeps saying he loves me but loves his Daddy more, which hurts me so much as well. He doesn't want to spend Mothers Day with me, wants it to be "Daddy's Day" instead, and even said that he wants me to spend it alone sad. The logical part of my brain keeps telling me that he doesn't mean it, he is just dealing with lots of anger and sadness by lashing out at someone safe, but it is like a body blow every time he says something like that. He is the only male in the world who can break my heart into little pieces sad.

Piemother Wed 06-Mar-13 22:01:08

I need to unload. Not only does ex stalk me on here he is now doing it in a dating site. I am fuming. He messaged me and everything.
What makes me v sad is that he introduced dd1 to his gf and I thought he had handled it quite well as she seemed to enjoy meeting her and her dd (he has crowed about this on here). I assume since he's back on the dating site that the relationship has ended and that dd will never see these people again. I am sad for dd and so so fucking annoyed with exh. Who will be getting a big bollocking face to face.

bluebeardsbabe Tue 05-Mar-13 09:47:58

Hello. joining in here. Been on MN for a bit but just changed my name. On my own with 4 month old dd and just found out a few days ago that exp just got engaged to ow. Not doing well at all. Been on my own through pregnancy and still filled with a lot of anger and sadness so nice to find a thread for a bit of support.

On the brightside I have a beautiful daughter and a supportive network in real life but there are only so many times you can tell them how let down and hurt yoy feel. lol you'll all get sick of me too.

Be nice to read about all the strong women on here who have moved onwards and upwards smile can't even imagine dating at the mo or that I would even be of interest to anyone with a small baby!!

glitternanny Tue 05-Mar-13 07:20:20

I'm struggling today sad ex has changed jobs so his shift pattern now means he works for 4 and gets 4 off so he'll see our boy a lot more. Which is great for him but so hard for me.
Just trying to start thinking how to make this fair sad
Oh and his wages drop so he will pay less maintenance.

IneedAgoldenNickname Sun 03-Mar-13 15:54:23

Oh shades sad I just want to hug you! Your dd has got an amazingly strong Mum, and she'll never be able to be anything but proud of you x

BusyHomemaker Sun 03-Mar-13 09:35:29

best I'm loving your new sense of empowerment

happy I'm sorry your divorce has taken so long. I'm hoping for a quick clean break but I think the reality is often different for most.

Hi Rose I'm sorry you're had such an awful experience and I really hope you can move into the next phase of your life soon. At least you now have some time to plan.

shades I just want to give you a big hug!

It's great that some of you have holidays to look forward to. I had a look at singlewithkids... Will keep it mind for the future!

I'm coming round to the idea of a second baby, it was what I wanted before I gained clarity about my marriage. DD would benefit from a sibling and I've felt like a single parent for the best part of a year! I think I'm just going to take it one step at a time, try not to look too far into the future and just enjoy now. Also, I'll graciously accept any offers of help from family and friends!

12stonelighter50feettaller Sun 03-Mar-13 07:37:44

Welcome rose I have read your thread, sorry what you are going through sounds so.tough. I lived with xp for a couple of months after we split, it was hard work for all involved sad .

I probably wasn't very clear with my double negative, but what I meant in my last post was that xp will definitely want to see ds on his birthday. He is a good dad. smile

shadesofwhite Sun 03-Mar-13 01:11:36

Poor you Rose , there are better days ahead.

It took me so long to leave a total abuser. Dated him, he hit me, we broke up, got back 2gether, married, honeymoon, fell pregnant, brutal physical abuse among others, ran away, was lured back to his arms, more brutal abuse (by this time my self esteem was dead and psychological problems kicked in). Police involved, SS, and finally here I am, I've left him this time for good.
Rewinding back, had an abusive BF, my mum died when I was 10, was raised by a step mum who would beat the hell out of me for no reason, let me go for days without food. I wanted to die and I'd self harm and I tried a couple of times to get a car to run me over.

Fast Foward..I've been abused all my life. I feel the same way you feel, What worries me the most now is that I have never ever been happy, wouldn't know happiness if it slapped me in the face and therefore, i feel the process of self discovery will most likely be painful for me.

You are not alone, I'm younger than you and I've faced the worst, being on the edge.

Have you tried some Counselling to help with your self esteem? I am. And I want answers I know its impossible but mostly, I want to get to the root of 'why me?' Second, I want to avoid anymore abusive relationships in the future, I want my DD to be proud of her mummy for providing the best care even if I'm struggling with deep issues that are beyond human control.

Posting on Mnet has lifted up my life and enlightened me a lot.

Here thanks , and brew , there is a solution to everything, I want to believe so keep strong.

EternalRose Sat 02-Mar-13 22:53:24

We have one child together, she is 3 next month. This thread explains my entire situation.

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1684933-My-Valentines-Day-kick-in-the-teeth-long

At the moment, I am finding the whole living with him thing absolutely abhorrent.

shadesofwhite, I want you to know that I think you so inspiring to take the leap of faith and get away from your STBXH, and I really admire your strength. Keep your head held high.

FWIW, before this ex I was also in a realtionship with an abuser who was stil lliving with his ex while he got himself sorted out. He turned out to be violent as well.

It's very depressing to think at 26 years old I have only ever lived with physically and emotional abusers (and that includes my childhood). What worries me the most now is that I have never ever been happy, wouldn't know happiness if it slapped me in the face and therefore, i feel the process of self discovery will most likely be painful for me.

shadesofwhite Sat 02-Mar-13 22:41:17

Welcome Rose . I do hope you'll be able to relocate and find freedom soom. Its one of the biggest decision in ones life but if you have no choice then let it be.

Aaaand wow! How do you find living with your XDP? Do you have DC's together? I honestly don't think I can ever do that. My STBXH was living with his XGF before dating me and they were driving each other nuts. Not sure who was on the wrong but I felt it for the poor DC. It was due to disputes over the mortgage. STBXH was evicted in the end. this is the hardest truth I learnt about his past later in our marriage, and I realized that's the reason why he wouldn't put my name on the new mortgage we got together Now I'm destitute with my DD after running away from DV. Learnt my lesson.

Goodluck though. brew for you.

EternalRose Sat 02-Mar-13 21:54:35

Hope you dont mind me joining, I will soon be a 'proper' single mum. I have dumped his ass but we still live under the same roof until I save some money for my relocation costs.

shadesofwhite Sat 02-Mar-13 20:49:11

* I have emailed and asked him what he thinks, but I am 100% sure xp won't want to not see ds on his birthday. Don't blame him really.* shock Why would he not, Oh sorry to your DS. Has he always ignored your DC's birthdays?

12stonelighter50feettaller Sat 02-Mar-13 20:12:40

glitch I was just about to press the 'book' button yesterday and it suddenly dawned on me that it will be ds's birthday whilst we are away, so pretty sure we can't go as I don't think xp will be too happy about us being away for his birthday and not seeing him. I have emailed and asked him what he thinks, but I am 100% sure xp won't want to not see ds on his birthday. Don't blame him really. Can't afford any of their other holidays so looks like we will be holidaying alone sad .

shadesofwhite Sat 02-Mar-13 19:08:13

Hi Glitter ,

Its a program that enlightens us about Male violence to women and Children. Browse the Freedom Program page and read more.
You can even sign up online (how very flexible!) smile

shadesofwhite Sat 02-Mar-13 18:57:11

Hi busy , thanks for suggesting seeking advice from the CAB. Happy to know that DV cases will still be considered for legal aid! Though I doubt very much is H will agree to have supervised contact.

Great idea to have give your DD a sibling! Being a single parent isn't very easy but I'm sure you can do it as we all are smile How are you planning to go about it if you don't mind me being alittle nosy? wink

Happy for you All booking holidays and treating yourselves to new experiences! I can't wait to settle down and book myself and DD one, with or without weirdos grin .

glitternanny Sat 02-Mar-13 18:39:54

What's the freedom programme?

OverlyYappy Sat 02-Mar-13 11:02:20

My ex paid nothing and avoids working so he has too, in some ways it was easier having a little bit of contact as I knew when he worked, now I have no idea so look forward to out £12 per fortnight, that £5 each + DC £2 arrears..usually ends a Takeaway for 3 of us.

My Divorce was taking forever, I applied last year, through Legal Aid, they said I would pay £885, I said he could divorce me then (bad move but he left me in £9,000.00 debt) I fully expected my papers soon after that as is 'engaged' hmm I spoke to my Lawyer in January and asked her what was happening, she spoke to his Lawyer and he hasn't been in contact again.

It's a bit out there asking him on Facebook via a Status so it is not direct contact. grin

Shades please try not to worry (easier said than done), you ex has almost 0 chance of getting your DC, mine went down this route I was terrified, asking for advice all over Mn under various names, when it came down to it, he will not fight me in Court, I never thought I would see the day when I said 'I wish he would so something legal is in place for my DC.

I have no idea what I would do if I were pregnant, talk to as many people as you can, there have been some amazing women on here who have done it alone and seem fine.

My DC are going for a week with my parents in July, they have done this each year since I was single, I usually sleep a lot or in the first year I was dating a lot I would love to take them away, I am thinking of saving and taking them to my Relatives which is a big long scary drive to Leeds.

It feels good to tell them exactly whats on your mind. I used to love it. I didn't ever do it until last year when STBXH g.friend was texting me as she was afraid we would get back together, I told him that would neverhappen and I detested him, then he took me to court for DC, I said no and that was the end of it. Well until we moved and he started getting all panicky and looking for us.

Poor man has lost his control. I was lost the first year of being alone, I was controlled for 16 years, I went a bit wild when alone, it was all good fun though. hmm I think back and think WTF was I thinking/doing. Thankfully I seem to have calmed down to staying in again. My self esteem is very low so keeps me from dating etc. (thankfully) I think I was looking for an immediate replacement or something. Or because he had a g.friend I was someone/anyone. Not a good idea. Hope everyone has a great weekend.

doinmybest Sat 02-Mar-13 10:26:52

The man I'm divorcing is not the man I married and that's so hard to get my head around
thats exactly how I feel and I told him so in a string of drunken texts last night blush my last one was on the lines of I dont know why Im telling you all this because I know you don't give a sh*t but guess what its not all about you anymore.
I thought I would wake up this morning mortified but I actually feel quite liberated. When he picked ds up this morning I actually opened the door wide and looked him in the eye, something I haven't done since he left. He chose to leave He moved straight in with OW He says if he wants to see the kids He decided how much (little) he's contributing financially so this was all about ME and I feel fantastic - apart from the hangover wink

BusyHomemaker Sat 02-Mar-13 07:47:32

*apply not pay!

BusyHomemaker Sat 02-Mar-13 07:19:30

Such a supportive thread smile

shades I'm shocked at the response you're received from solicitors. Once the rules re change DV cases will still be eligible for legal aid in both divorce and family matters.Perhaps speak to CAB and ask if they can recommend someone. As for your partner, he will have to pay for supervised contact via a contact centre.Also you don't have to have any contact with him if you don't want to.

I'm warming to the idea of having another baby and providing DD with a whole sibling. I'm just devastated to be doing it alone. The man I'm divorcing is not the man I married and that's so hard to get my head around. Although I've felt like a single parent for a while now.

It's fab that some of us are moving into our new homes... exciting times!

glitch Fri 01-Mar-13 19:42:51

12 stone, well done on booking your hol. My way of looking at it is that if they are all weirdos
then we can always go off and do our own thing and if not then even better.
I am doing the Welsh holiday. Thought that if we cope with that one perhaps we may try one abroad at some point!

IneedAgoldenNickname Fri 01-Mar-13 18:02:16

12stone fab news a about the holiday! I'm tempted to book one, but they are so expensive compared to holidays I normally have, plus I don't drive so getting there would be hard!

shades I don't have any advice, having never been divorced, but hope out all goes smoothly remember we are always here for UN mumsnetty virtual hugs and wine and thanks

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