DC contact with abusive ex's parents

(9 Posts)
WhatDoesTheDogSay Fri 25-Jan-13 07:22:34

Thanks, balia. Yes, I agree that not disclosing my address will be a major safeguard against ex turning up uninvited. Plus establishing that ds goes nowhere without me til he's 18 much older and can decide for himself. This particular extended family is chaotic, to say the least, (think 'Shameless'), but they are still DS's family.

balia Thu 24-Jan-13 22:01:38

I think you should trust your instincts. No harm in meeting for coffee somewhere (so she doesn't know where you live) and a chat. You can establish some ground rules, have it on your terms. I'm a big fan or extended families (it takes a village to raise a child type thing) can't see what you have to lose and DS gains another adult to love him.

WhatDoesTheDogSay Thu 24-Jan-13 13:30:22

Thank you, better, good luck to you and your ds too.

betterthanever Wed 23-Jan-13 23:06:45

Good luck with everything. Do what is best for your DS and you.

WhatDoesTheDogSay Wed 23-Jan-13 22:42:46

That does sound like a nightmare, sorry to hear that. Glad to hear that the court isn't taking all that your ex is saying at face value. My ex's mum was always lovely to me to be fair, but I realise I can't rely on that always being the case. I will maybe seek some professional advice and take it from there.

betterthanever Wed 23-Jan-13 22:27:45

My ex left me when I was pregnant he came to see DS when he was first born and his Mum came once and was rude to be honest. She hadn't contacted me when I was pregnant either which she could of done. My ex was abusive and after an very abusive outburst in my house just days after my DS was born and him threatening all kinds I got a solicitor. My ex was never heard of again for 7 years... his mum sent me a sol. letter back a couple of months after DS was born and I declined contact with her as I saw it as ex seeing DS by the back door. I am currently involved in a court case as ex is back saying all kinds. Luckily the courts appear at this stage to be seeing through his lies. My worst nightmare has come true. Tread very carefully. Keep diaries and keep them for years (probably forever) - if you have an iphone keep copies of communications backed up. I wish there was that technology then but luckily I kept a diary and the sol. letters and other things which the court have been able to see. I have been astounded and the lies he has been willing to tell in court and his mum stood by his side.

WhatDoesTheDogSay Wed 23-Jan-13 22:16:20

Thanks for replying. I also felt that the initial contact when DS was tiny may have been driven by my ex. This was a major factor in my refusal to cooperate. Have you denied all contact with your ex and his family?

I agree that by allowing contact I may be leaving myself open to having less of a say if it were to go to court. However, ex's mum did expressly say that she would make sure her son wasn't involved when she first asked to see DS, and that she would be happy to visit at my home. She at least understands why I don't want her son involved, though he is her son and exceptionally manipulative and persuasive. This was said when DS was tiny as well, though, so I suppose she may not see it the same now. Plus I don't want them knowing where my home is now so that might be slightly awkward in terms of practicalities...

betterthanever Wed 23-Jan-13 21:59:55

This is a complex situation and similar to mine in that his Mum contacted me when my ds was born. I felt this was him trying to get contact by the back door, going unchecked as I had safe guarding issues.
I understand your desire to do what is best but if contact happens and then say.. you say they can see your DS with you there only and they then take you to court - they will have more rights as GP's as they have been having contact with DS IYGWIS. So I think you should base your decision presuming they will take your DS for contact away from you and you would struggle to have a say if that then meant your ex would have contact too. I can't really see it going any other way long term.

WhatDoesTheDogSay Wed 23-Jan-13 21:35:44

I'd really appreciate some objective opinions, please. My DS is 18 months and his dad has never been involved. In a nutshell, I split from DS's dad when I was pregnant due to emotional abuse. I also cut contact with ex's family as I couldn't cope with them staying in touch, and ex possibly hearing about me, whilst I was pregnant and scared of ex harassing me.

After DS was born, his paternal grandparents tried to make contact. At the time, I was emotional, stressed, exhausted and in 'mother bear' mode, so was determined not to allow DS's paternal GPs to have anything to with him in case it led to ex bothering us again. We moved house so that they wouldn't know where we lived, and I convinced myself that any contact with ex's family was too risky. I have steadfastly stuck by my decision not to allow DS's paternal GP's any access whatsoever... until now.

I'm now feeling guilty about denying my DS a (potentially loving) relationship with his GP's. I predict future resentment and upset at my denying them even the opportunity to get to know each other, Plus I believe that knowing where they come from is important to a child's sense of self etc?

I still don't want DS's dad involved - he can go down the court route if he wants to muscle in - but I'm tempted to contact DS's grandmother and suggest meeting. Is this a bad idea? Would it be better to leave it as there was no relationship between DS & GPs when ex and I split up (as DS wasn't even born!)? Or is it always better to have a relationship of some form with biological GPs, and not my place to veto it purely because I'd rather not risk ex getting ideas?

My gut feeling is that it would be in DS's best interests to know both sets of GPs (he adores my parents). It's just how to manage things so that DS's dad doesn't ruin it... Sorry this has ended up long, any advice greatly appreciated!

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