To leave partner? and dirty house? HELP PLEASE

(20 Posts)
midastouch Wed 23-Jan-13 15:35:20

im seriously comsidering leaving my partner of 6 years, we have 2 children together. my reasons are:
- he has lied about various things from very begining of our relationship
i tried to leave when i was pregnant with ds but he threatened to kill my dog
- he is beyond lazy, he has 6 dogs so you can imagine the mess the house gets in! i get up at 6am and go to bed 2am after cleaning up after them every single day, we've had so many arguments about it he'll clean for a day then it goes back to normal. I want a normal house where i can walk around with no shoes on! and my children can walk freely around my house.
- I hate the house i am in so id obviously have to rent somewhere ive found the perfect place but i am sooooo scared of leaving and being in a house alone! i also feel guilty for some reason for him. And how can i break my childrens heart, he may be a useless lazy but he loves them and they love him.
I cant stand the thought of them not being with me all the time, plus should i let them stay in a dirty house.
I dont think i can take anymore of this!!

colditz Wed 23-Jan-13 15:39:44

He doesn't love the children enough to give them a clean house to live in, does he?

He'll get over it, and the kids will LOVE having a home they can play in.

colditz Wed 23-Jan-13 15:40:48

And you ..... It's a funny thing, when you live with a really messy dirty man, you tnk that you won't cope doing all that housework alone. .... But guess what?

THERE WON'T BE ANYWHERE NEAR AS MUCH HOUSEWORK WITH JUST YOU AND TWO KIDS.

HecateWhoopass Wed 23-Jan-13 15:46:41

Sounds like a horrible way to live.

Your children will still love him even if they don't live with him. They can see him every day, he can be involved in their lives. If he loves them, he will do nothing to hurt them. That means not being a bastard to their mother. Not avoiding paying for them. Being in their lives...

And it will be much better for their health to not live in a filthy house. And better for your mental health to not be in this situation.

Not to mention being able to have friends round. I imagine atm you are far too embarrassed to let people through the door!

midastouch Wed 23-Jan-13 15:53:55

i do keep my front room where dogs dont come in spotless and obviously playroom and kids bedroom but i really struggle with the rest of the house i feel like such a failure because it just isnt clean enough. It seems i either put the kids first and let them have mum and dad in same house but sacrifice my sanity and sleep to keep it clean or i break my little boys heart and live in a lovely house.
How would i cope for money till i get myself a job i gather its income support, i dont smoke or anything but single mothers reallly struggle dont they?

Teahouse Wed 23-Jan-13 16:01:19

Have you any family to support you? You will need money for a deposit but you should get benefits in due course. But bringing up kids as a lone parent, although hard work physically is hugely rewarding and I think probably easier mentally. The kids may not have everything they want with only one income but that won't harm them in the long run and they will learn the value of things. You can do this.

Good luck

midastouch Wed 23-Jan-13 16:08:51

ive got my mum, i think she could help to start me off financially. it will mean a lot of im sorry you were right i should have llistened

amck5700 Wed 23-Jan-13 16:08:52

Do you love him?
Does he love you?
Does he support you emotionally and or financially

amck5700 Wed 23-Jan-13 16:09:38

you say the kids would miss him, but would you?

amck5700 Wed 23-Jan-13 16:10:48

Fear of being on your own is no reason to stay with someone, it wasn't when you were 15 and it isn't now.

HecateWhoopass Wed 23-Jan-13 16:11:03

It's a crappy choice, I grant you - but it is a choice. You have to decide which option is least shitty.

Stay in a (part) dirty home with a man who treats you like crap and who is the male role model for your own children's relationships (when they grow up - what will their relationships be?) and see your mental health decline

or leave, struggle financially and manage your children's upset as they adapt to their parents living apart.

Nobody else can make that choice for you. You have to weigh it up.

midastouch Wed 23-Jan-13 16:11:41

he claims he loves me, i dont think ive loved him for a while but im worried about him being alone im not sure if its love or just me being soft. he works so he does pay for everything when he bothers that is!

amck5700 Wed 23-Jan-13 16:15:26

Do you think he would continue to support the children if you were to move out? I really don't know if staying with a man you care about but don't love, who threatens you and lies and doesn't consider your wishes or well being is really a good thing long term, so you need to change that. If there is no way of doing that and still stay and be happy then i think leaving seems to be the best option.

midastouch Wed 23-Jan-13 16:15:43

i think its just the company id miss and no car, how terrible is that! i dont want my kids growing up thinking its ok for a man to do anything. AQnd i certainly dont want to argue infront of them again i am so ashamed to say this but my ds sobbed in his sleep last night. I think the decision is already made really, thank you for advice and not judging me

amck5700 Wed 23-Jan-13 16:18:03

It's a big decision to make but you are young with young kids, can you seriously see yourself settling into old age with him? There has got to be better for you. either a new life on your own and maybe another partner in the future, or this gives him the incentive to shape up and be a man.

Teahouse Wed 23-Jan-13 16:18:44

Do not worry about being alone. I have been a single parent for over 12 years. I have more than managed. My kids are fine, I am happy and leave my marriage was the best move I made. Yes I get lonely sometimes but only sometimes and the benefits out way the crap from a poor relationship, let alone an abuse one.

Talk to your mum...she will be there for you and your kids whatever you do I am sure.

CremeEggThief Wed 23-Jan-13 17:13:45

Good luck with your new start, OP. It won't be easy, but staying in a bad relationship is never worth it.

Piemother Wed 23-Jan-13 19:59:01

At colditz post - fuck aye

RedHelenB Thu 24-Jan-13 07:12:24

You don't seem that bothered that he threatened to kill your dog! That alone would have made me up & leave!!!

honey86 Mon 28-Jan-13 10:23:10

hun, i am a child who grew up in a absolute dire s***hole... it was awful and i hated it, it was embarrassing i couldnt play with anything and it wasnt safe. from that childs point of view id advise doing whats best for their welfare. my mum didnt get rid of my filthy stepdad and we suffered for it.
pls dont think im being awful hun, im just sayin..... i wont lie its hard living on your own at first, but as you settle and put your own touch on everything, itll get easier. smile
if my dog was threatened, id have sumone look after him, say he ran away n i cant find him, then end it ��
all the best xx

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