So lonely and son having problems.(18 Posts)
Hiya all I'm new to this so forgive me if I waffle on..... I'm a single parent, 10 year old son, have no family so find it very hard. Recently my son has been going to bed and panicking when he can't sleep. He makes frequent trips downstairs and calls me up for the slightest thing.....he usually ends up in tears and I end up snapping at him in frustration! If I'm working the next day I have to get him up at 6.30am so its stressful when he is still shouting at 11 or 12 at night! I am totally exhausted as I have no help or backup it's so hard sometimes. He told me he us being bullied at school which I'm 99% sure isn't quite true..... My son isn't backwards at coming forwards and him and another boy have regular name calling sessions which I've addressed with his parents and the school. It's very much 'tit for tat' with them both and the next day they are best friends! I also have a problem with my dins attitude and lack of respect which again I find really hard on my own. He sees his dad sporadically and I would say he has a good relationship with him. He gives his dad respect and is never cheeky which really hurts me. His dad has the 'family unit' I crave (he had an affair and left us and is now happily
Married to her) and if hurts me i can't give my son this experience. Christmas was very lonely for us just me and my son. I tried do hard to give him a nice Christmas and hope I succeeded but I found if very stressful.
Sorry I hadn't quite finished the text also a few typos please excuse lol!! I'm basically tearing my hair out in frustration at this...... I would appreciate some advice ta xxxx
I would take him to the doctor, sounds like he has some kind of anxiety about being alone at night, like a young child with separation anxiety? And the lack of respect could a be a symptom of the fact he feels insecure about something.
Sorry I don't have much experience with old kids but I didn't want you to go unanswered. I wouldn't ignore it, he's trying to let you know something isn't right with him.
my 10 year old can be like this sometimes. And yes it is exhausting. I find that being reassuring and loving (however cross and tired I feel) rather than angry is a quicker solution to the shouting out at night thing. I'd look into the bullying thing and mention it to school. If its upsetting him, it needs looking at. If you are like me you are probably thinking, oh no, not another thing to deal with ... but you must, and he must see that you are supporting him.
My son can be really babyish at times, even though he is nearly as tall as me. You need to reconnect with him instead of seeing him as a nuisance (and I speak from experience - I teach full time and, like you, have no family support - the calling out thing drove me insane for a while). Take time to talk to him. My ds was feeling very sidelined as I was either at work, planning work, or exhausted.
I took my two away this Christmas on our own, and it was really relaxing. It wasn't the Christmas you see on the adverts, I decided we'd make our own traditions. Can you get your ex to give you a break at half term, it sounds like you really need one.
Thanks both for your replies. Helps to know I'm not alone..... I feel like I have 3 heads some days!!! I know a few single parents but if they don't have partners then they have family support. So they don't fully appreciate my predicament!! I even have pals telling me to 'get a grip'! All well meant I'm sure but not helpful and all said behind the security of a marriage and support!! I have spoke to the school they are keeping an eye on things. The thing is my son is a cheeky little so and so too do a lot of the behaviour he tells me is being directed at him, I see him doing the same to others! I find it so hard to stay calm and never know if I'm reacting 'correctly'? I've just asked him to turn his Xbox off and get in the bath was met with anger and shouting and taunting...... As I said he can't go back on it afterwards (I like him to wind down). I could (and do) cry sometimes.
His dad has him when he wants, I've been thru a solicitor to try and get the access more regular but we both work shifts and my ex wasn't for budging! At the end of the day I can't make him have our son. Also when he is away I have to work as a) I have to work unsocial hours and b) I'm struggling so much financially I need the money!
This site is great for me as it makes me feel I'm not alone in my predicament!!! Xxx
Just put him to bed have been upstairs 3 times in 10 mins and he's been downstairs once! He's now asking what if he gets a tummy ache in the night? What's that noise? Where are the cats? Has convinced himself he won't get to sleep, got to be both up and out the house by 7.30 my stress levels are up lol! Just shouted down the stairs I am a stress bag! Nice huh?!
My 10 yr old ds does this mainly when theres something on his mind. I've had a lot of the shouting, but he now knows that if he doesn't do as he's asked then rudeness etc means loss of laptop for 1 evening, carry on answering back and the loss of time increases. With regard to the not sleeping, I've been known to let him put a sleeping bag on the floor of my room, it soon eases off when they realise their room is nicer but eases the seperation thing for them without them losing face. Seems to be a problem that occurs at this age so perhaps its also linked to just general growing up.
My sons suffers from anxiety and disrupted sleep. We gave him a small note pad to write down his worries and then discuss them the following day. Also tried natural sleep enhancing foods (warm milk, cinnamon & banana smoothies are the fave at moment but look on Internet for ideas).
Thanks both I think I'll try all your suggestions. We've had the warm milk! Will defo try the notepad idea thanks xxx
Ange I know how you feel you could always call Parentline they are excellent for advice.
I have been a single parent since my son was five months and he is now nearly 8 I have no viable relationship yet as I have learnt to be fussy and my parents are dead and I am an only child so I TOTALLY understand how hard it is to raise a child alone! The ex does minimal access although he has always been good with maintenence and any emergency bills I am unable to meet. However effectively I have no real help as he lives over 100 miles away ....!
Hi op. My 10 year old ds is exactly the same and I sometimes feel sad I don't have a family unit. I don't think its entirely unusual. We have a little ritual, I leave a light on, I let him read, we used to have audio story disks. I also let him know its OK to shout me if he needs me and he rarely does it now. I remember having these anxieties as a child and I guess I just grew out of it. I suspect my son feels insecure sometimes and worries that because his dad easily rejected him I might too. We be talked about it and I reassure him. Is there anything going on that might be making him feel sad? 10 is a difficult transitional age I think.
Thanks both as I've said in an earlier post it makes me feel much better knowing I'm not the only one going thru this.... My ex lives 60 miles away, he had an affair and left and ever since his life seems to have gone from strength to strength!!! He works full time, because he can, earns a good wage, as does the woman he ran off with! My working life has turned upside down I can't work shifts like I used to as have no support to have my son overnight etc. I've lost about £150 a month in shift allowance. I only work 17 hours a week but as I have a good job and I'm classed as 'professional' I'm not entitled to any help with rent or council tax. I get £140 a month tax credits but not working tax credit so money is extremely tight! My ex does pay maintenance but takes away money for petrol as he comes to pick our son up! I sometimes feel life is so bloody hard I feel like Groundhog Day!!! I literally have enough money to live and buy food I can't remember the last time I bought clothes or nice things for myself? Forgive me I know I'm rambling I'm just so exhausted! I love my son more than life and know I'm lucky he is healthy!! Xx
Well the first thing I would do is go through the CSA and get what you are entitled to. You Should not be pay hIs petrol. By all means make a contribution but you are already struggling and its really really shit that if he's bringing in good money that he takes from you. That's low. Can you work full time or increased hours Monday to Friday. Then you could use after school care or a child minder. Take control. Get to the CSA. STop giving him money, try to get more Hours. I'm in the same situation as you but I've taken control. I now earn enough money, I have a child minder, I have friends who will have ds overnight and sometimes I drive over an hour to take my ds to family if I have somewhere to go. You can have a great life and you will. You sound really lovely and one day you ll meet someone lovely who will adore you and your ds.
CSA have rules about how money can be deducted for travelling. Don't just let him decide how to do it, if its hurting you financially, without checking its correct. Child Maintenance Options helpline explained to me how it works (sorry I can't remember now).
I think the acting up and anger is probably part of him being concerned about something. Counsellor told me its actually a good sign a child can let it out with you because they trust you to still love them even when they are being a pain.
I know how you feel about clothes. I didnt buy anything for me for a year and a quarter and just recently I bought a couple of tops in the January sales for £5 each I felt so much better for it. Do try and squeeze an item of clothing into your wardrobe you totally deserve it.
As I speak I am wearing second hand clothing for nightwear!!
By the way Ange a friend of mine who is a single parent too and is a nurse works shifts and she managed to find childcare so she could continue working through an unqualified contact whom she met at the school/on the grapevine. As she earns over £26k she isn't entitled to any subsidised childcare but it may pay to ask around at school if anybody is willing and able to take on additional childcare. The lady in question wasn't a qualified childminder but mature and more than up to the job. My friend does night shifts too and the lady does those for her.
There are so many people seeking extra cash these days I am sure there would be someone out there who could support you in taking on extra hours.
Hope this helps!
Thanks all your comments really help. I went thru the csa so I know ex is paying the right money! They have allowed him to deduct so much money for travelling I'm not sure how much but unfortunately it's all above board !!
I had to take out an IVA about 3 years ago as when me and ex split I was living on credit cards and loans! I know it was silly but how else was I supposed to live? Anyway the thing that's crippling me right now is bank charges as the iva states I'm not entitled to ant credit including overdrafts! I think I do pretty well but all it takes is me to go over by as little as £20 and bang I have charges!!
With regard to my shifts..... I work in emergency services.... Absolutely love my job but childcare is a nightmare.... As I am only part time I work mainly 8-4 in the week and do my unsocial hours when son is at dads. Thing is out after school club states you have to have set days and as I work different days every week it didn't work out. I rely on friends now but I never finish in time it can be 6/7 pm when I finish which is stressful when son has activities at night!!!!
Anyway it feels so good to finally get it all off my chest and not be judged by people!!!! Xxx
My daughter is/was similar. Re the sleep - found 'what to do when you dread your bed' good.
She was also very rude to me but that is improving. I think that could be as we have more fixed contact arrangements with fewer changes.
Have to go and get me and kiss ready know but will pop back later if I think of anything else.
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