haveing hard time :-(

(24 Posts)
karrie8 Thu 10-Jan-13 21:38:51

Hi everyone im a single mum to a 21 month old baby. Ive had a difficult time since I was pregnant I had complications a bad birth. Then had severe depression panic attacks, split with husband when ds was only 5 months old. Since the split my ex has wanted 50/50 shared care of my son he even lied to social services pretending there was bruising on my son luckly social services could see what my ex was doing to me and helped me get moved quickly as he kept emotionally abuseing me which he still does now aswell when picking my son up :-(. Anyway hes been taking me to court for past 8 months and weve got our last hearing soon. He sees his son two days and one overnight stay a week but hes still tryung to get 50/50 shared care. Does anyone think he will get it? He said before when I had depression hed take our son away from me. Ive had health visitors speak to me and they just say hes emotionally abuseing me and trying to frighten me but I still always worry.

foolonthehill Thu 10-Jan-13 21:43:04

we all worry. I think it is highly unlikely that he will get 50:50 especially as he has been seen as EA by involved professionals and your DC is so young.

Try to keep positive and not be dragged down emotionally by what might happen..live in the moment as much as you can.

You are doing a grand job, and it will get easier as your son grows.

Take care
xfool

karrie8 Thu 10-Jan-13 21:49:03

Thankyou for your kind words I am trying my best I find it so draining. Im trying to look for work too as ex doesnt seem to want to work no more either. I really just want the best for my son I do sometimes go to baby groups with him but finding it really hard to make friends.

anxious80 Fri 11-Jan-13 20:55:50

This has made me so cross and sad. I too have an extremely emotionally (and physically) abusive ex who says he wants 50:50 shared care of my 2 1/2 yr old son. He too has done really vindictive and unbelievably hurtful things like contact SS etc. They like u are aware that it is all just venomous retaliation and a way to continuing abusing. It's just so sad when it turns out like this. I've had to do all communication through solicitors now as he has harassment warning. & he has been v violent. I also had PND, he used it against me too and he left me when our son was 6 months. I tried again with him for a year but he's been so abusive.
He currently has alternate weekends. We are going to mediation about access which is next step & has to happen b4 court. Have u tried mediation?
Has yr ex been violent? Did he instigate break-up? Have u got a solicitor?
I so feel for u, these men really prey on our vulnerabilities and grind us down and cause terrible anxiety. Do u have much support? Pls PM me if u need an ear xx

foolonthehill Fri 11-Jan-13 23:40:22

You do not have to go to mediation if there has been domestic violence, indeed if he has a harassment warning then you should be advised not to be in the same room as him or even really in the same building. Some mediators will do shuttle mediation (where they move between 2 separate rooms so you don't have to face your ex) or may even see you at different times and firm up agreements by mail or email.

If you do go to mediation !) make sure you are at least in separate rooms, 2) take along a strong, fair minded person who will help you to keep your boundaries intact. A good mediator should be able to prevent abuse, but not everyone is good. And they have to be impartial and cannot give individualised legal advice so you will still need your own solicitor to advise you.

karrie8 Sat 12-Jan-13 14:35:07

We did go to mediation before and he was really shouting in there. Then made claims that when our sons older hes going to hate me because ive not given him 50/50. At the moment he sees our son two days a week and one overnight. I have a solicitor and we are back in court again soon just waiting for a date. He has been violent in the past about 3 times but its been more mind games abuse etc. I have to meet him away from my home now for handover so im in public. Im fed up of feeling bullied to giving him more time etc. Luckly now hes split with his girlfriend and now takes our son for contact over his parents as hes homeless so hopefully this will look bad on him. He doesnt work or do anything im wanting to just get on with my life and make friends start a course etc but my confidence is very low.

karrie8 Sat 12-Jan-13 14:38:10

Oh left him I dont think he thought id ever do it but I had to. I always took him back gave him more chances etc but never again

foolonthehill Sat 12-Jan-13 15:32:24

well done Karrie. You will emerge, one day. I am still beset by Ex my best hope is that he gets involved with someone else and "forgets" us. Stay strong you will build a good life for yourself

lieanne Sat 12-Jan-13 16:26:36

hi I have been having the same sort of issues lately too an I can totally agree it is very draining ,

Piemother Sat 12-Jan-13 18:58:33

Shared care isn't awarded v often in the uk it's v unlikely

karrie8 Sun 13-Jan-13 10:42:07

Sorry to hear you having similar probs lieanne.

OverlyYappyAlways Sun 13-Jan-13 10:50:30

Remember to write down everything he says to you and allegations he makes.

I had the EA for years, messaging me telling me to 'go kill yourself your a crap mother and all GPs will know you are unfit'

I even asked to see my GP records, GP told me if anyone ever asked he would say what he thought, I was a good Mum trying my best to keep my Dc away from an abusive man.

Try not to worry too much, easier said than done I know!

anxious80 Sun 13-Jan-13 12:14:45

Karrie8 : how is he affording court btw?

Also, in mediation did u not try to negotiate & did the mediator not try to get him to see your point of view?

Has yr solicitor given u hope in your case - how can he possible provide shared care if he has no money etc?

I'm in similar situation and these perpetrators use our children as weapons against us, it's sick.

xx

karrie8 Sun 13-Jan-13 13:36:13

At the moment hes getting legal aid which I hear stops in april. The mediator told him couldnt he see I feel theatened etc but he just kept on about what he wanted and useing allsorts of excuses. He acts as if he never sees our son but he does lots and extra over xmas time. My solicitor says it should be ok but he may get more contact. I understand as our son gets older things will change abit.

anxious80 Sun 13-Jan-13 19:13:12

karrie8 - have u got any support e.g. from yr cc / an outreach worker? Do u have friends / family supporting u? It sounds like he is typical bully and manipulating u still. Your son and his welfare are paramount and you need to do what's best for him. As u do handovers in public place it suggests u r scared of him? and fact there has been violence means that u can use a 3rd party for handovers and should have been offered the shuttle system at mediation - was it offered to u?
When is yr court hearing? Will this one b the final decision? It sounds like he's just throwing his weight around. Do u have concerns with his care for yr boy?

karrie8 Sun 13-Jan-13 19:49:34

No I dont have much support really I have very few friends because I wasnt allowed any I met him when I was 14 and he was 20 was together 10 years. Yes the handover was changed through my solicitor as the police told me to try it as theyve been involved too my mum called them for me. No I wasnt offered a shuttle system ive never heard of it. Im still waiting to hear court date, and yes its going to magistraits (sp) now for final one I had conserns due to his smokeing around my son my ex cant look after himself very well anyway when we was together I kind of had to do everything for him too and hes very manipulative I dont want him being like this to son hes already said infront of my son im messing him about not letting him have 50/50. Before I got rehoused he was trying to get me to sign bits of paper to say id let him have him that much, my hv at the time gave me leeway number and he found that and went mad.

anxious80 Sun 13-Jan-13 19:58:55

U really need some domestic abuse help. Call the domestic abuse no for your area. Just google national domestic abuse helpline. I think u def sound like u need more support and they can write statement to court etc. Ask for an outreach worker. Sounds like u would be perfect person to do the freedom programme. Google it and ask the dom abuse people for the nearest place that does it in yr area.
It sounds v v unlikely he'll get 50/50 and yr concerns for yr son when in his care need to be got across strongly.
The emotional abuse that is filtering through to yr son by him is really important for u to tell yr hv about.
Do u have 3rd party statements to provide in court backing up yr case?
Is it just u and him & solicitors in court or can u have more support?

hi karrie ((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))

i like others on this thread, have been in your situation. I, too, have to meet x in public place. (This might not be, as someone suggested, because you might or not be scared of him - it is because with an abusive ex, there is a strong possibility of him not leaving when required.) People like this are scared of they seem to others, they lose their projected image and others can see them as they really are - they think that this lessens their hold over their intended victim, in this case the op.

keep a diary of contact with dates/times etc because then you can use this to refresh your memory of specifics when required.

as for support, you have support on here smile

btw when x took me to court for access, the solicitors were in there with us. the judge was not impressed with him and x couldn't do anything because he was in public place.

have just re-read the last sentence and i'm sorry it sounds like you don't need support in rl, i didnt' mean it to karrie smile please try and surround yourself with friends - i know it is difficult.

if you are in sw, please inbox me and we can meet for chat if you would like smile

karrie8 Sun 13-Jan-13 20:46:29

Its just me and him in court no body else gets involved. Thankyou all for your kind and good advice on here you are all very helpful I needed people to talk about it too xxxxx

anxious80 Mon 14-Jan-13 09:26:03

where abouts are you? as in similar situation it would b good to help each other xx

i'm near bristol, you?

karrie8 Mon 14-Jan-13 13:37:21

Im in norfolk x

hi karrie hows you? smile

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