How did you get contact arrangements in place

(17 Posts)
MakeItALarge Tue 08-Jan-13 13:21:43

I think you really need to try and detatch from the situation. When he asks to see her, tell him it needs to be sorted properly ie mediation and solicitors.

If he helps arrange and pay for the christening then he gets a say i what happens (date and godparents). If not then you arrange what is best for you and your dd.

Go to the CSA. Do not listen to his complaints, it is between him, the csa and his dd. Not you, and you do not need to be involved.

Ive read your threads through your pregnancy as I was in a very simialr situation, although my ds is six months older. When I made the decision to stop letting the ex treat us like crap and mess ds around he stopped all communication, and hasnt seen him for months. It is incredibly hard, I hate the situation he has left us in but Ive accepted it is not my ir my sins fault and carrying on pandering to him was not healthy for either of us.

charlottekbl Tue 08-Jan-13 12:58:49

i had exactly yhe same situation with my ex husband and i am a family law solciotr so it really is not uncommon and liek peopl ahev said the only way is to put your foot down. i went to csa and changed my number and with regards to contact with our son i went through mediation which helped alot as it took the steam out of him as he could not jsut take control like he used to.

Pickles77 Sat 05-Jan-13 08:31:58

Thanks guys.
CAB monday, HV Monday too. I don't think it helps DD isn't sleeping well and I get cross because I'm doing it all alone, no break.
I'm tempted to write a letter back to his mother telling her the whole story and not to contact me again, it's down to his family now to see her. I know the reply will upset me so ill delete it before reading by email.
I think it's time they knew the whole truth or rather time I get it off my chest too them before I explode.
At least then I've said my peace, DD knows I said my peace and they knew the truth.
In 16 years time I don't want dd saying 'mum I know you did all you could but why did you not tell them the truth'
And my answer would be as I felt intimidated by them. (Very upper class)

Piemother Fri 04-Jan-13 12:46:19

Yanbu. Do the christening your way and don't pander to them.
I would chat to the HV about your concerns about him having her alone. Doesn't sound like he could manage on his own and provide adequate care.
Yy to CSA - this money for dd is your right don't feel bad - let him go up the wall so what?
Be strong x

Pickles77 Fri 04-Jan-13 12:09:43

Thank you so much double yew. I just sometimes need reminding that I'm not unreasonable and it does sit and eat away at me wink

DoubleYew Fri 04-Jan-13 09:56:03

Frankly I think it sounds like you have to put your foot down. These are the days she's available and no to any last minute visits. Go out if you think he will just turn up. Sounds very harsh but it is in your dd's best interests to get a proper system set up and remove this stress from your life.

Go to CSA for full amount. Let him go nuts. Change your phone numbers or get caller id and don't pick up. Email only contact, save all the nasty stuff. You can get a harrassment order if he gets really bad.

Keep reiterating (in writing) that you are willing to go to mediation and willing to have regular arranged in advance contact - if you know his work schedule suggest dates that he is off obviously.

Even people who recommend controlled crying say not before 6 mo. She will indeed shut up once she has given up any hope of being picked up and cared for. Do you think he needs supervised contact?

Sorry no idea about Christening - not my thing, don't know how they usually work. But as the parent with care the ball is really in your court to make decisions for her. Sounds like he and his family are never going to love you, that is their problem as you could just say no contact ever and let him take you to court costing him thousands - that is what he is risking with shitty behaviour - perhaps he needs to be reminded of that risk?

Pickles77 Fri 04-Jan-13 02:46:32

That's exactly what I want doubleyee, for DD. she needs routine and stability but they think I am being difficult. I don't know how to achieve this, without solicitors.
I've tried writing out a PR agreement to sign. No good.
I've tried CSA no good he went nuts so gives me a SO for half the amount.
Why should I go out of my way to sort contact when I get messages like below. Then when he rings up and says he's coming down I feel I have to see him or its I'm taking her away.

I can't afford to meet him halfway. I'm trying to find us a place to live and go back to work money is so so tight. So IAMBU for that.
Eventuality I want him to have her alone but at the minute she screams when she is with him. He normally leaves her crying if I'm not their to take her. Saying babies cry, leave her she will shut up.
DD is not a baby that cries, she's so happy and content. She's teething and still isn't a crier.
I'm going around the bend. I just want DD put first.
I mean what am I meant to re her christening. He refuses to help physically or financially but expects to turn up and choose godparents. If I get her christened without them knowing I'm damned.
We want a spring christening on a date meaning a lot to my family but they want a summer one. What the hell do I do. Just not bother?

Piemother Thu 03-Jan-13 23:47:57

Agree with doubleyew too.
Keep the record not just for court if it ever goes that way but for dd when she's older. Hopefully things will improve but for your own sanity you need to know if she ever asked that you tried your civil best to organise contact and that its him that's a problem.
I can no longer post about my life but I do sympathise with them not supporting you in any way during pg than demanding access. It's bollocks

DoubleYew Thu 03-Jan-13 22:49:36

You don't do it for him or his family. You do it because it is good for your dd to know who her dad is (even if he is a plank, at least she'll know for herself). When she is 18 or whatever you want to say I tried my best.

But don't put loads of effort into chasing each contact, ideally you want a situation where he has her say Tues and Sun for x hours. Any changes need 24hrs notice. If he doesn't turn up within 30mins and no phonecall, contact is off. And you both stick to that until she get's older and you can review.

Still haven't got there with my own yet, I know it is not easy.

Pickles77 Thu 03-Jan-13 20:41:07

Thank you I'm trying to be strong the message from the mother was really hurtful. I'm tempted to reply 'thank you for your text but due to the arrogant, obnoxious, offensive nature of it I cannot dignify a polite reply'

And something along the lines of wool and eyes.

But I'm better than that. Ill just screen shot and file it.
Emailed about weekend access he doesn't know, and will think about mediation.
I sometimes think why the hell should I bother researching it... As already had done solicitors once and it will take more visits to persue. As he isn't bothered
But then I think if I don't I will be posting about this until she's 18 and I've completely gone around the twist shock
One thing I'm learning is I can't do right for wrong and that I'm painted a complete c* whatever i do. Because I had a baby.
And now they think they HAVE to see her as its duty as I've already ruined their family name.
Quite tempted to email them ALL the article in the mail today about the 23/4 week babies born that survived, you know as I was so late finding out and wouldn't do what they wanted.hmm

angelelle Thu 03-Jan-13 20:14:08

Hi pickles, sorry to hear things are tough at the mo. Sending you à hug and feel free to pm me. I dont have any advice as dd dad hasnt even met her yet although it wouldnt suprise me if he reared his ugly head and did this as he threatened me with Stuff while i was pregnant.

I hope you can go to mediation I asked xp to go but he wouldnt even answer My email. At least then you know you have done everything you can.

Hugs to you and sorry i cant offer any advice

Piemother Thu 03-Jan-13 19:59:42

Be really clinical about it. Send him a list of proposed contact for the next few weeks and out that you need to know x many days in advance if he will be attending or not.
Assuming the email you get back contains lots of guff just reply with 'let me know by x date if you want to see dd' and ignore everything else. Send copies to his mother if you want but I wouldn't.
You don't have to let these idiots upset you. You don't have to answer the phone and if they send you abusice messages take screen shots and tell them you will be advising the police re harassment. You don't need a solicitor fur that. You can't be really blunt with his mother too and say you are willing to try and accommodate her for contact with your dd but you are not prepared to discuss her sons arrangements. Fgs he is a grown man he shouldn't need his mother to sort this out.

Re the weaning again be non confrontational about it. Get some leaflets from the HV. Give then to him and say 'I reaLise you have some misconceptions about solids etc these might be helpful'. Then it's his responsibility to read them and not annoy you about it.
God these twats!

Pickles77 Thu 03-Jan-13 19:41:14

Thank you so much for your advice it's really appreciated

DoubleYew Thu 03-Jan-13 19:39:20

Regular contact times are recommended for child's benefit. Do not get into a You want / I want with him. Always frame everything as what is best for your dd. If he refuses to go, his loss. It is in your favour to offer - shows you are reasonable and want contact to happen. My one would do sessions on your own to help you talk through what strategy to go for, if the other person refused.

Do you have a local Children's centre, they usually have leaflets on family mediation? Or ask HV if they know of mediation service in your area.

Pickles77 Thu 03-Jan-13 19:11:43

Thank you where would I get started on mediation info as I don't think he'd go but it's worth a try.
Just had a shitty nasty message off his mother about me being unreasonable about wanting regular times and to 'cut him some slack'
Is no contact for 2 weeks not slack enough confused

DoubleYew Thu 03-Jan-13 19:00:33

Have you looked at family mediation? Can be difficult with someone who is abusive as they use it as an arena to get at you. But its free round here.

Do all communication by email so you have a record of everything. Keep a diary of every shitty thing he does to prove he's not actually that interested in seeing her.

Not knowing about weaning will just be dismissed as poor guy, hasn't had a chance to find his feet yet so don't concentrate on that type of thing.

Pickles77 Thu 03-Jan-13 13:32:18

My ex is awful. We don't hear from him for weeks regarding DD who is four months.
Then he wants to see her.
Her Xmas presents were late.
I can't afford a solicitor, he won't make regular contact arrangements, signed etc.

He doesn't ask about her welfare on a regular basis. He just is abusive.
He is moaning I've not in involved him in her christening hut I did ask three weeks ago.
He wants me to go halfway to meet him but im on SMP and he gives me half the amount Csa would but he won't do that.
He wants to have her alone but just asked me if she can have 'proper food' like pasta yet.

How the hell do I sort it without a solicitor as I can't afford it or get legal aid

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