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How much more can I cope with????(14 Posts)
I have recently separated from my H after he had an affair and decided he didnt want to be with me anymore, leaving me with 3 DCs (aged 6, 3 and 1). I knew things werent perfect but didnt see this coming, plus I was (am) still trying to deal with PND.
I am really struggling. When I have the children I find it so so difficult to look after all 3 on my own. I cry all the time and everything just seems so bleak. He on the other hand appears to be getting on with his life quite happily. Today he announced he wants us to sit down this weekend to discuss our finances as he doesnt want to rent for longer than 6 months (he moved out 2 months ago). I am panicking now that he'll want to sell the family home. I cant afford to buy him out and I cant get a mortgage as I'm a full time student. I know I need to see a solicitor but seeing as eating is a struggle the thought of doing this is just overwhelming! I am so close to the edge. I also think he'll want to see more of the children as a way of avoiding giving me any money (he earns a lot, more than I could ever hope to earn even when Ive finished studying) eg if he has them 50% of the time he wont have to give me any maintenance and all assets could be split 50:50 - is this how it works?
It isn't how it works. Butyou do need propper advice and fairly fast. Do you have people who could child mind for you?
This weekend is too soon for you, from what you post, but give him a date i.e. third weekend in January so you can get some basic advice and then start a financial dialogue.
It does get easier, you will cope but right now one day or one hour at a time is enough.
Tomorrow is the first day of the restof your life. You are in control of your destiny.
You need to gather your strength and list your personal priorities. What do you want? The kids full time or a split that means you could have some time to you/ work?
How long do you have left on your course? It would appear practical for initial financial arrangements to cover you for this period, as no doubt this is your families long term route to stability.
The fact that he's prepared to talk is positive. Keeping dialogue open benefits everyone, especially the children, longterm. It's very important that you learn to focus on your needs not acommodating his. How long he wants to rent is his issue. I'm guessing you need stability to finish your course - a comitment he was no doubt involved in. Focus on you. It's the time to be selfish.
Lots of support to be had here. Its seen me through. Mine were 1 and 3. I'm remarried with another one now and the boys are 9 and 6.
Its tough OP I know. Its been almost three months for me post split but I do feel better now then I did back then. Of course it is still tough but I do advise seeking out a solicitor asap. Legal Aid runs out for divorces/separations in April 2013 but in reality it is being phased out from January 2013. As a student you should be entitled to this. My children are three and one and its a hard slog. I have no family to help me and often feel overwhelmed and scared. But it is getting a bit easier. Just hold on, its a rocky ride but you will get through it. Please do think of yourself and the kids only now though. Like another poster said what he wants/needs is his problem. He only has himself to look after and a secure income.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you....
I am a LP and you WILL GET THROUGH THIS!
But you need legal advice, pronto!
There's a brilliant post by Olgaga(?) who has gathered all the info.
I'll see if I can "fish it out"
useless at computers, me
(It has to be somewhere in the "Relationships" thread).
And yes, his needs and wants are not of your concern right now. But yours and DCs are!
So sorry OP
What an absolute bastard to do this to you and your babies.
And like so many other people who have affairs, he's got it all planned out in his head and expects you to just fall in with his plans.
Don't tie yourself up too much with the 'what ifs' just now. See if you can find the strength to tell him that you will be taking legal advice and will arrange a date to discuss finances when you have taken advice and when you are ready for it.
Many family law solicitors will offer a free half hour consultation so give you an outline of what needs to happen yet. It's best to get a personal recommendation for a solicitor if you can.
Olgagsa post is a brilliant resource - I am also 'not very good' with searching so hopefully someone can find it for you soon.
Keep posting - there are so many of us who have been on this journey and we can all help you through.
Wishing you and your babies a brighter New Year.
Don't compare how you and your ex are coping. He has known about this situation for a lot longer. You need time to adjust and get your head around the new reality. Feeling sad is normal, you will feel better. Just concentrate on the basics for taking care of you and the children, plus seeing a solicitor. Accept any help that anyone offers. Take care.
And tell him to feck off with the only wanting to rent for 6 months! That is so absolutely not your problem!
When I booted out exh the finances were the thing that terrified me the most. I knew he would try (and he did) make things as difficult for me as possible. I had to force myself to get a handle on them and I did and after that I toughened up a lot.
You need to start tomorrow by making a list. Stick the dc in front if the tv or whatever and don't feel guilty.
You can go to citizens advice and get general divorce etc advice. Lots of legal forums too. Wikivorce is quite helpful.
If you are a full time student you can get a package of help including housing benefit I think. You need to find out asap.
You will need a solicitor. I got mine through a recommendation from a friend. Maybe you could ask rl friends who they used?
Agree with others out off exh chat a few weeks. I get the feeling from your op that maybe he's quite bossy and used to being in charge. This is absolutely no longer the case!
Keep posting and keep asking us - there's an army of toughened up line parents in here who have survived divorce and cons out smiling. You can too. Happy new year....new!!!
First of all you keep getting up each day and one day it gets a little easier.
I am 6 months on from you and hopefully like me you will discover what amazing friends you have.
I look back on the last 6 months and I am so proud of myself what I have managed to deal with all by myself. I know I am a stronger better person and I am sure you will be to.
Get really good advice as knowledge is power.
Lonecat- I never thought if being proud of myself - god I really should after the mountain moving this last year!
Coping alone is a learning curve but you never unlearn it. I was just thi king it could never be as scary again. I could get married and divorced again but id know what to do - I will never be scared again
I found the first few weeks hard and depressing but you break through after a while and it gets easier.
Thinking about the dc and parenting etc. remember you can do it your way now. Think about how you want to deal with problems now there's no one to answer to.
If you are having problems with say to day stuff give yourself a break and make things a bit easier - picnic teas etc - let them watch telly all thy want - try not to think the house has to be perfect. Out some energy in to regular bed times though - you will need the time to yourself in the evening
oh yes... picniic teas on the floor are so exciting.. beans on toast for a treat (easy for you! wholemeal bread and beans is nutritious enough) I love beaans on toast night.
it does get easier. you have to think of ways to make being with the children easier. doing less with them as you have taken on more of the responsibility.
You need to apply for tax credits too asap.
Also you might need to consider submitting extenuating circumstances for uni work. No shame in it - look in to it c soon you want the best chance of graduating.
Pnd is rough. Are you getting support? If not make gp appointment pronto.
Assuming 6 year old is at school and the others are at nursery? You only need survive another week until that resumes and you can have a mental break hopefully.
It will be ok
So sorry to read your post. I don't have much advise as am in a very similar position. H left just over a month ago. We have a 5yr old and 2yr old. I am in the marital home but my x came here on Saturday all guns blazing about selling up, forcing me to move etc. I posted on the Relationships board and got given some great advise. It might help you to read that thread.
I applied for child tax credits as soon as he left so I knew I had enough to cover the mortgage. He is renting a room but only wants to do this for 6months. All advise I have had and read indicates that because I have the children I am in a much safer position than he wants me to believe. He cannot force me to move immediately. Nor can your h.
I am going to make some appts with solicitors this week to try and make some. sense of the finances. I feel very insecure and frightened about the future too. I'm still crying daily although its not for as long which I'm taking as progress! Its been particularly awful dealing with all this at this time of the year. I'm hoping now Xmas and NY are out of the way I can focus on moving forward instead of dreading each day.
The support I've had on here has been amazing. I'm new to mn but it hasn't mattered at all.
Thank you all so much. I will try and take inspiration from your stories, and not allow myself to be bullied by him (something I am now realising he did throughout our marriage!)
Make an appointment tomorrow. Don't bury your head in the sand! Knowing you are putting your kids your kids first & fighting for their future will give you renewed strength, honestly!
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