Relocating away from exP..but scared and unsure!

(12 Posts)
NewLifeForUs Sat 29-Dec-12 19:37:43

I originally posted this on a local group page, but it's actually more about a tough decision I have to make..

I recently split up with exP so it'll just be me and DDs potentially relocating. DDs are 1 & 3.
I'm very keen to move to the new area - one of my closest friends lives there (& has been trying to get me to move for a while!) but must admit I'm a little scared..
I've always felt out of sorts living where I am, but strangely whenever I've visited the area I want to move to, I just feel like I'm coming home (..that might sound odd and I realise this might well be 'holiday syndrome'!!).

Upsides are I already have a couple of friends there, so there will be a bit of a support network (and I don't actually have any friends at all locally at the moment, though I have tried confused). Also, I'm currently changing jobs, so I wouldn't be leaving a fantastic job behind, fresh sea air (DD1 suffers terribly with respiratory problems, ongoing bronchiolitis etc)

Downsides are that it'll be further for exP to travel to see the kids (and for his family, a couple of whom are absolutely lovely), further from my mum..she will be approx. 2 1/2 hours away (will be heartbroken, however we have a very up and down unhealthy relationship, just very different personality types really..so I secretly and selfishly do want to get some space between us!), it's a more expensive area, DD1 likes current Pre-School.

And I'm a bit worried about being lonely..(though I'm incredibly lonely now in a quiet village with no friends and no partner!!). However this will have a HUGE impact on the relationship between DDs and their Dad, the gp's etc. I feel so incredibly selfish, yet I am miserable here, so potentially not being as good a mum as I can be..

Sorry for the mammoth essay, but don't have anyone to talk to about all of this! Any advice would be gratefully received x

Piemother Sat 29-Dec-12 19:47:48

Do it, go - sounds like the best thing for you and the dds. Ex will have to make the effort. If things arnt too history with him maybe you could take to him about it 'I'm going to move to x and it would be good to discuss the best contact options' so e things will have to change - say contact impractical but maybe weekends arnt plus you will have time off to go out with friends grin
Have some ideas ready in case he whines and you may have to share the driving. A friend of mind has small dc and moved to Yorkshire from the south west - Dad has the kids every other wend and half the holidays. They meet and handover about half way between and it seems to work for them grin
Good Luck

ILoveTIFFANY Sat 29-Dec-12 19:58:10

Your dc are young... Contact would ideally be little and often

How far away are you moving? Are you prepared for ex to return to his home with the dc every other weekend? Would you agree to a maintenance reduction so he could afford the travel.... Or could you do some of the travelling back?

NewLifeForUs Sat 29-Dec-12 20:03:07

Thanks very much for your replies piemother and Tiffany

In response to Piemother, in my bones it feels like the right thing to do..but I think I'm going to have a hard time telling everyone (in particular exP and my mum) if I go. I had a bit of PND after DD2 (became a lot worse because of bad relationship with exP) didn't have any with DD1, so I'm sure they'll both say they don't think I'll be able to cope so far away..but somehow I only really get down around my mum/exP..odd confused

But from what he's said so far exP would definitely be up for having DDs every other weekend, so that would be a welcome break..grin

In response to Tiffany, it would just under 2 hours door to door so not ideal but very manageable every other weekend (or even every weekend if he really wanted) I'm happy to share the travelling and either do the drop off off or pick up.

NewLifeForUs Sat 29-Dec-12 20:08:44

Just read back what I just wrote, and I sounded as if I was itching to get rid of DDs at the weekends confused Just couldn't be further from the truth, will miss them like crazy and probably cry the first few times I'm sure.

ILoveTIFFANY Sat 29-Dec-12 20:49:32

Well you sound reasonable about it all smile

How would you feel if new partners came onto the scene? It can change things quickly!

Also, as you have no court ordered contact, do you think he'd want shared care? Your split is quite new. Has he asked for any specific contact yet?

ILoveTIFFANY Sat 29-Dec-12 20:50:00

And would he try and get a 'prohibited steps order'?

NewLifeForUs Sat 29-Dec-12 21:23:58

Thanks for your replies again Tiffany.
I'm not sure re: a prohibited steps order (I've not actually heard of that I must admit), I shall google it now.

Re: agreed contact; while living locally, we agreed together that he comes over to see DD's one day every weekend and he also tries to pop over at least one or two nights during the week (his wishes). In reality he is here a lot though which makes the split harder and more painful (but it's lovely for DD's of course).

Re:new partners, its the furthest thing from my mind at the moment..! but I guess the way I see it is that if he has a new partner, it doesn't make that much difference where we live as he will probably want the girls to stay overnight on his weekends even if I was just a few mins down the road.

However although we are incredibly amicable now, exP does have a side to him and I have a horrible feeling that if I mentioned a move away, he will bring up my PND and everything else to get me to doubt myself/lose confidence. I suppose that's just something I'm going to have to deal with though..Oh and my mother of course..confused

Piemother Sat 29-Dec-12 22:32:18

God having ex in your house all the time sounds v invasive! But on the whole if things are that amicable I think him going to court would be extreme. A prohibitive steps order(or section 8 order) is something a parent can apply for to prevent the other parent doing something. An example would be raising the children in a different religion. They can be used to prevent a parent moving away BUT they require v solid ground and evidence it would prohibit reasonable contact - think moving abroad. I wouldn't worry about that too much.

Brace yourself for the lecture about coping. They will probably force you to listen. Then go anyway. It's only words and I think you probably know you're strong enough.

Lookingatclaus Sun 30-Dec-12 11:35:49

I would give it a while if its a recent split. An amicable relationship with their Dad is a huge benefit, and a Dad who wants to be actively involved. That will be a huge support for you as they get older.

I think too that moving two hours away is a very long way. It will mean that he can't have the same sort of relationship with them as he would if you were local. It would be harder for him to be involved with their day to day lives, school, hobbies etc. if you were I'll for example or needed the children taking somewhere and you couldn't then he wouldn't be able to help.

And being two and a half hours away means a five hour round trip twice during a weekend contact. That means that a lot of their contact time with him is in the car. I feel that is far from ideal, and tiring for them at the end of a school week. If he were to finish work at five, they wouldn't be back to his until ten at night,

Being so far away from their Dad is going to have an impact on their relationship with him and I would think really carefully before I moved away. Could you look at ways of meeting people locally? If the children spend time with their Dad that would give you the opportunity to go out or take up a new hobby.

wannaBe Sun 30-Dec-12 11:50:15

I think it’s wrong to move the children so far away from their dad. At the moment he is playing an active part in their lives, once you are living two hours away he will no longer be able to do that. Your DC have a right to an equal relationship with both of you and it is IMO not up to you to change that.

You also need to think about leaving behind your support network in favour of moving to be close to a friend. It’s IMO a bit of a romanticised view to think that you can be suddenly near your best friend and that you won’t be lonely. Reality is that you will, you’ll be stuck at home with the kids because you have no support network (family or xp) to look after them so you can spend time with this best friend you have turned your children’s lives upside down to be near.

ANewLifeForUs Sun 30-Dec-12 13:58:41

Good points, thanks again for all your replies smile Lookingatclaus; what you said made a lot of sense and the impact of the decision is why I need to continue thinking long and hard about it...thanks for helping highlight all angles of the practicalities.

Must admit I don't agree wannaBe (wrong is a hellava strong word you know!). I certainly don't harbour a romanticised view of things.

His family are lovely & keen to be involved, but in reality we rarely see them (they're busy & have full lives themselves) so we would probably see them about the same amount. Also, my mum recently chose to retire to a village miles away, so I'm still one and a half hours away from her if I stay put here in this village!! True it would add an extra hour onto the trip for her though...

I'm certainly not thinking of moving to be close to one best friend..that would be a bit barmy surely?!??! is that how I came across in my first post? maybe I did..eek!
My kids will always be first, just thought it would be nice to have a little bit of a support network there. As mentioned in 1st post, DD1 has terrible problems shaking off the bronchiolitis she had when she was a baby (coughs all through the night from when she was tiny till now, with a brief respite during the summer) so a huge plus would be the sea air smile

Went for a coffee with LO's and exP just now and mentioned the idea of moving and he was very surprisingly ok about it..there is much more work for him in that area than here (with the potential of an easier commute to London too), so he said if I moved with the girls, he would consider relocating to be near them (he's not that enamoured with the area we live in either..).
He even said he'd support me whatever I decided to do.
Rather than feel relieved and happy, it just made me feel sad that he's lovely and we tried so sodding hard to make it work (as you do when you have kids), but couldn't...uggg...

Sorry for the essay (again)..x

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