DD's dad stopping contact- advice needed?

(4 Posts)
sparklypuddles Thu 27-Dec-12 12:34:28

Sorry about this being long!
my DD is 5 months. She wasn't planned and her dad wanted me to get an abortion. Her dad has never been bothered about her, seeing her a few hours a month overall if that and threatening that it "won't be worth the money if i go to CSA" so he hasn't paid anything (please don't tell me to go anyway- i really don't think that it wouldn't be worth the stress)

He tried for a while to stop me going out by texting most days saying he'd be coming over at some point and that if i wasn't there he'd report me for stopping contact, and not replying if i asked for a time. He would then usually not turn up or if he did would come for 10 minutes and not pay attention to DD most of the time, prefering to tell me how shit a mum i'm being, telling me DD is ugly and takes after me, or laughing if she cried.

I mostly just ignored him and stayed "cheerful" with him while restraining the urge to punch him most days and he seems to have got bored of this the past month or so, and i hadn't heard from him for a few weeks.

He's now phoned me today and asked what age DD will stop breastfeeding, I asked why he wanted to know, and he said "because as soon as she does I'll take you to court and i'll have her half of each week" i hung up because i was thinking it's most likely just a windup, and he hasn't rang back.

but i was just wondering where i stand on this? If he doesnt bother to see her from now until then... and suddenly goes to court, would he actually get this because of having PR?
I don't think he'd want to do it because he clearly doesnt give a toss about DD, but I'm worried he might as he's gone to so much hassle to try and get at me before.

Sorry for being so long

RedHelenB Thu 27-Dec-12 13:33:46

Why are you letting him do this to you?

Tomorrow ring the CSA, the amount of money is immaterial but he needs to know he should be contributing. The next time he asks for contact (if it fits in with you) pass him baby, buggy & change bag & shut the door until agreed end of contact) If he's not there within 10 mins or whatever personally I would go out or not bother answering the door. You need to stop rolling over, let him step up to the plate.

DoubleYew Thu 27-Dec-12 16:58:26

I think he wouldn't suddenly get half the week with a baby who hardly knows him. It would have to be built up over time so the child was comfortable being looked after by him.

His behaviour to you and your baby is horrible. Not good for either of you to put up with. Keep a diary of all this crap, this will be valuable evidence if you do go to court.

From now on contact is to be prearranged days and times. You need 24hr notice of any change. 30 mins late with no call or explanation and you get on with your day - go out if possible to avoid scences. Do you have family or friends who could supervise contact so he can't use it as an opportunity to attack you? This is standard rules for the child's benefit so they know what is happening once they are older. Imagine how distressing it is for them to witness this warring between their parents.

BTW, my 2.5yo is still breastfeeding wink.

blackeyedsusan Thu 27-Dec-12 23:36:21

ah yes. ds breast fed til 2.5 though not to due with contact as we were still together...

and ring the csa. it is money your child is entitled to. you are depriving your child by not ringing. (yes I do know these things are a hassle and do not seem worth it. I loathe paperwork)

he is talking out of his backside about denying contact. all you need to do is make dc avaailable for contact. set times are perfectly reasonable if he does not want to negotiate reasonably with you. if he does not turn up in reasonable time, it is tough. it is not you that is stopping contct it is him not turning up. record all of it. all the no shows, threats, lack of care/contact/money etc.)

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