Your thoughts please....(12 Posts)
I have been single for 8 years with very few dates in that time - that sounds sad but fin with me! My boys were 18 months and 3 when I separated from their father (he was having an affair, which he denied but i caught him out and divorced him!). I have put my life on hold for most of it as my boys were so small and their father only sees them one day a week with no overnight stays so very little free time. My last single friend has just got a boyfriend and is now giving me the "can't put your life on hold because of your children" speech.
I would love to meet someone but feel that I need to be around for my boys as their father is particularly crap at it and I know it upsets them so try to be there for them all the time. I do go out occasionally but am not a natural flirt so find this difficult. I am also slightly overweight and 48 so not a good combination!! . I want to be there for my children but also would like to meet someone - is my friend right or am I?
hmm. i'm sort of in a similar boat.
2 dses aged 7 and 3. split with their dad. single 2.5 years. dated very briefly twice but nothing for about 18 months now. i've put on weight and my confidence is in my boots. i've withdrawn into myself and dont even know how to dress myself even if i were to go out. so i dont. i also am very certain that i need to be here for my dcs. their dad has met a lovely woman and they are engaged so bit of change for the dcs and i feel like they really dont need me to be introducing any new people into their lives right now. i would love to meet someone great i just dont know how to go about it and how to keep that balance of being fair to a relationship but also being there fully for my dcs. it's kind of hard to know until you are in the situation and get a feel for how much is enough IYSWIM. it's all hypothetical for me anyway right now because i'm just not meeting anyone. sorry. i'm no real help to you at all.
there is also the possibility that the right person would be a great role model/ influence for you dcs if their dad isn't being very present.
Santa having read your post confidence plays a big factor in most things for me - day to day life I am really confident, looking after children, running a house and finances etc but put me in a situation where there are men around and you have to talk to them and then it all disappears. A lot of men my age have grown up children and are looking for a younger, slimmer model ! I know I am good fun but having just been a mum for so long sometimes forget. Their father is still with the women he was having an affair with and am not sure if she calls the shots in the relationship but my boys are definitely not the first priority and it upsets me to see this which is why I always put them first. Too much time on my hands tonight and crap tv got me thinking !
same here with the crap tv!
i think i'm the opposite. i'm not confident at all in my parenting or running the house or anything at all really. i think i must come accross as really dull to anyone who might be interested enough to chat to me. the first thing most people ask is "what do you do?" and well, i dont do anything. i'm almost there with my childminding registration but even outside of work i dont do anything except look after my dcs and get the groceries in! i have no hobbies due to no childcare and very little money and i have very few friends due to not being able to maintain a social life. my world is very small and i think anyone who talked to me for a few minutes would be itching to get away.
Don't be so harsh on yourself! I am the same I look after my children and get the shopping done! You are obviously taking postive steps with your childminding registration that will help build confidence by taking control of your life and the choices you make - looking after other people's children is a big challenge and one I could not do. My boys are 9 and 12 and in a few more years I will get more time for me which hopefully will let me get out and about more - at least we can say that our children will be decent and well rounded individuals and for now I am happy moulding mine -though a large part is also due to vodka!!
"that will help build confidence by taking control of your life and the choices you make "
that's very much the idea. i am starting to feel a good bit better day by day about the future (i have been depressed since ds2 was born) and really want to take control again and make things happen for me and teh dcs. right now i am happy to be able to get working again, not so ready to go out and get a relationship but that may come without looking anyway (or so i'm told!)
yes we will have well cared for, balanced children to be proud of. i hope someone comes along with better advice for you. i've been totally useless! you could re-post in relationships. i've had great support there over the years.
Muffin, I know exactly how you feel
I am <unbelievably> 48, I am overweight, I am ugly and unattractive. DD is 13 and I split with her dad 10 years ago. Since then, my last encounter with a man was in 2004. That's it. No-one is interested.
ExP has had the luxury of the freedom to go about his own life, without bothering about DD. He got married a few years ago and is quite happy.
Despite the fact that he lives 5 minutes away, DD didn't even get a christmas card from him
As the days and months go on, I'm more and more convinced that no-one will ever take an interest in me, and I have to admit that's a fuckin awful thought.
I really wanted DD too have a strong male role model in her life. Now she is so close to me she would really strongly object to any man taking attention away from her.
I never believed my life would turn out like this
Sorry I can't be more positive for you, OP
I'm a firm believer in the thinking that until you love yourself, no-one else will! Why not make 2013 the year to lose a bit of weight/ get a bit fit/ take up a hobby!! It might not get a man, but it won't hurt!
I'm also single, with young children. Not much going on in the man front, though maybe I'm still fairly close to getting out of my awful marriage, so everything still seem rosy for me, compared to that!!
Magic the one thing in my life I have never been able to sort is my weight. I was an overweight child (bullied at school), overweight teenager and now an overweight middle age adult. I have tried lots of things but I just cannot deal with my weight and this has a big impact on my confidence - I can hide it well day to day but if I have to chat to men etc I am aware that I am overweight and this then leads on to the fear of rejection all because of my weight - its a vicious circle and one I cannot sort.
muffintop have you tried reading the susie orbach book 'on eating' ?
It's only a little book but very good. it's more to do with the psychological side of things.
I agree with magichouse in that loving yourself first and foremost is key - bit of counselling if necessary? I think it's really hard though to try to balance having a dp with putting needs of dcs first. Maybe hobbies and other friendships are the way forwards, and may lead to meeting new men in the process?
I know tiny iddy biddy mums with no confidence & hate themselves and lovely larger ladies who radiate attractiveness and confidence with men..
What I'm trying to say is, yes - if you fancy it get fit and healthier and as a by product, lose a little weight. But the key to it might be a bit deeper. Be kind to yourself, be your own bestie and (as Magic mentioned) love yourself, or at least try & pretend in the beginning (this might be more relevant to Santa?) It's not easy. Doing a few seemingly daft things actually do help such as muttering to yourself daily about how you're good at this and that..
For example if you are confident in other areas of your life but not with men you could say to yourself: 'I'm looking pretty good today actually; this top really suits me' or 'I've got lovely eyes' or 'I really enjoy having random chats with interesting people' and so on.
It's auto-suggestion and it's a very old method devised by Emile Coue . Might give you that boost to help you get out there initially.
Just a thought, give it a whirl
Alternatively, check out the Mirabelle Summers & her 'Get A Guy Guide' I was sceptical, but it's interesting reading! Honestly
Join the discussion
Please login first.