Facing pregnancy and birth as lone parent

(27 Posts)
GirlWindmill Tue 18-Dec-12 16:30:28

Hi all, I'm new to this. Was with someone but once I fell pregnant, things changed and he said he does not want this early on in our relationship. I'm early on and have a very difficult decision to make. I've already started talking to 'her' even though it's quite a secret. I work with the father so it is potentially going to get very awkward. Feeling very alone. Any advice appreciated. I get his point and he is still looking after me but refuses to see the baby as a baby. Living in London too which at times like this, can be the loneliest place in the world.

MakeItALarge Tue 18-Dec-12 18:40:34

Hi, there is a brilliant thread (2threads now, we filled the first one) on here about facing pregnancy alone, reading it may help give you aome idea of the good and bad parts of what youre going through.

If youre thinking of terminating then firstly do not let anyone influence you - this has to be your decision based on what is best for you. Ignore your ex, he doesnt get a say in it. I was in your position last year and came very close but like you I talked to my baby as soon as I found out. Its been incredibly hard doing it on my own but I dont regret my choice for a second.

There was one woman posting who also worked with her ex while pregnant so hopefully she will be along with some good advice but congratulations and hope youre doing ok!

queenofthepirates Tue 18-Dec-12 21:42:45

Welcome and congratulations! I hope you receive warmth and kindness here what ever you decide to do.

Are you at the stage where you're looking for advice as to whether to stay pregnant or not or would you like lots of positive stories about how wonderful having baby on your own can be? I'm asking because I'm not clear whether you're going to go ahead and want to make sure I don't make a difficult decision any harder for you. I've been where you are and in London so happy to hand hold if you'd like, whatever your decision xx

angelelle Tue 18-Dec-12 22:34:42

Hi, i think there might have been two of us pregnant with colleagues.

Anyway, yes read the other threads op, you will find lots of support there. i actually ended up leaving work on sick leave as exp treatment of me became unbearable. Please make your own mind up about this and if you do go ahead it will be à hard and amazing experience and totally doable on your own.

Just make sure you look after yourself and dont accept any bad treatment from the childs father, it took two to tango so he too has à responsibility.

My main advice here is that if you go ahead and find working with him stressful, like i did, put yourself and your babies health first and get support.

Wishing you all the luck xx

xmasevebundle Wed 19-Dec-12 19:50:11

OP- Its always hard at first, you feel happy then sad. Its waves of emotions.

I am 19 single parent and did the whole pregnancy thing alone. Last week i had my DS i would do it all over again.

I had great support from my parents, who have been my rock. Each day,week is some what closer to meet your baby.

Your ex will miss out loads, i feel sorry for my ex. He wasnt there for the birth nor seen him,held him,smelt him,touched him. I registered him a few days ago and it was amazing.

It will get better xxx

GirlWindmill Wed 19-Dec-12 22:40:36

Thanks everyone, this is really encouraging and I don't feel half as alone. In terms of my decision, I do feel like the only reason I am considering abortion is because of others. Ex in particular. But you're right. It is my decision. Guess I just want to know that my love will be enough and that I'll be ok. I feel bad as for the past couple of days I've been torn and not able to talk to her just in case. I'm 31 but don't feel grown up. Xmasevebundle, you are very inspiring. MakeItALarge, thank you for congrats. I kind of need that. Queen of the Pirates, positive stories would be lovely and AngelElle, I will put myself first. Thank you all x

MakeItALarge Thu 20-Dec-12 00:55:50

Positive stories...

Last year at this time I was huge, 7mos pregnant, still torn up over the ex and would he be a dad, would I be able to love the baby, would it look like ex, how would the birth go, would ex show for it, how would I cope alone...

Fast forward a year me and my amazingly gorgeous ds are sat snuggled on the sofa (hes just woke for a little feed, Im catching up on corrie) and my life is PERFECT grin. Ex has disapeared (possibly up his own arse) but ds is 9months now, and has just started giving hugs and kisses when we ask him, its adorable and makes my heart melt. Its not the way I had planned, but I wouldnt change things for a second.

Being pregnant alone was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but it was worth every second of feeling hurt, rejected and lonely to be this happy now. I hope that helps you think you can do it, and it does get easier smile

GirlWindmill Fri 21-Dec-12 11:11:02

MakeItALarge, that sounds lovely indeed. I saw the doctor yesterday and we discussed all my options (I think I am likely to keep 'her' despite the challenges). She said I could have an early scan too if I liked. Feel better for seeing her and will be with my family over Christmas who all know and will support me. Hoping to get a bit of a plan in place really as living in London alone (plus one) will be too hard I think.
Have a happy Christmas you all xx

girliefriend Fri 21-Dec-12 21:09:00

Hello I did it and have a lovely 6yo dd to show for it now. It is challenging at times, have you got supportive family or friends? I have and not sure how I would have managed without then tbh.

Also start thinking about finances, where do you live? Maybe think about applying for social housing. I live in a lovely little council flat and would be bankrupt if I had to privately rent!!Try and keep lines of communication open with the father if possible as my dd has no contact with her father and it is incrediably hard for her to understand sad

PollyIndia Sat 22-Dec-12 20:14:22

Where in London are you? I am east, have a 10 week old son and was single throughout the pregnancy and birth. He was an ex when I gt pregnant and wanted me to get a termination. I didn't and didn't hear from him again. He didn't respond to my message about my baby's birth.

It is hard of course, but having a baby is hard even if you are in the best relationship ever. And lots if relationships aren't that. I would prefer to do this alone than with the wrong person. That would make me feel way more trapped I think. Despite this being hard, it is already the most rewarding thing I have ever done and that can only increase as he gets older and our bonds deepens. You do need to be quite self sufficient though, and have a good support network, though my parents live in wales and we are coping. Though am looking forward to them coming for Xmas so I can have a break! But tonight is a toughie as me mates are all out for xmas, he won't settle and I think I may be getting mastitis. And still I think it was the right decision!

Anyway, good luck, feel free to pm me x

PollyIndia Sat 22-Dec-12 20:15:16

That is interesting girliefriend. Makes me think I should persevere

GirlWindmill Sat 22-Dec-12 22:58:32

hi all feel really low again. worried about how I could afford to keep baby. no longer trust ex to do anything yet alone help with rent. have full time job. asked ex if he would want any contact with baby. he doesn't. breaks my heart. my family will help but they not near. don't even know what benefits I could get. or how. crying all the time but time is running out to make a decision. the alternative fills mw with fear. thank you for being there. it's pretty lonely right now x

Gintonic Sat 22-Dec-12 23:10:18

Hello, I couldn't not reply to your post, it was so sad. Could you move nearer to your family either temporarily or permanently? If you go ahead your ex will have to give you some form of support whether he likes it or not, you could talk to the CAB to figure out what benefits and support from him you would be entitled to. I hope you can find a way through this.

xmasevebundle Sun 23-Dec-12 00:55:50

There is loads of funds and places that can help with baby funds.

If its your first DC you will get a sure start grant(£500) at 29 weeks pregnant. You will be on job seekers until 29weeks and then move over to income support at £52.70 a week then £71.00 a week when the baby is born plus child tax credit and benefit.

I feel for you as ive been there and it is the worst feeling ever, someone you love does this. Betrayal, hate all emotions.

I am glad i left my ex and kept DS he makes me happy and everything i gave up for him has and will be worth it.

I wouldnt ask my ex for anything for my DS now, i dont need him. As far im concered the only thing im grateful for and that was his single sperm.

xxx

girliefriend Sun 23-Dec-12 09:39:35

Could you do what I did and move back with your parents for a bit?

Sorry your feeling low but please don't make a decision based on fear. One of my friends said to me when I told her I was pregnant and keeping the baby that it was a decision I would never regret which wouldn't have necessarily been the case if I had decided to terminate. This was very true.

I was lucky to have a supportive mum and I moved back with her for a couple of years until I got this flat. Financially now we are better off than some working couples I know!! I work part-time

GirlWindmill Sun 23-Dec-12 09:56:36

Thanks everyone. It is fear that motivates my decision. I feel very alone. It has been a really tough year. I seem to get myself into situations worthy of Eastenders. My family and friends are now in two camps. I feel sad for my baby. Like I can't even talk to her still. I have a history of depression. Oh and this is my third break up this year. I was in a same sex relationship and lived with a great partnerfor years. Freaked out as body clock became louder and I stupidly felt a man I'd met could give me that. He pressured me to give up my life for him. I did. It failed after weeks. Latest ex was my shoulder to cry on. Loved by all. THought I could trust him. Wrong. Also hit the fan within weeks.
X
Ps. If anyone is a scriptwriter. This is plot gold
Pps. I have retained my sense of humour

girliefriend Sun 23-Dec-12 10:05:06

Good sense of humor is half the battle!!

My last post wasn't quite finished!! I work pt (I am a nurse) and with what we get in tax credits and child benefit we manage just fine. Babies and kids contary to popular belief don't need to cost that much!!

Think about what you want and go with that. We are here for you whatever you decide smile

xmasevebundle Sun 23-Dec-12 12:06:56

I felt the lonest person on the planet and all i had my was DS inside me! I had my parents to talk to and thats all. Dont have many friends as id rather do my own thing. I have a friend who ive known for 11 years who i talk to here and there(shes a busy bee) and i get on just fine.

I use to wonder what ill think about when DS is here. I am losing track of the days and time! You have so much to do your everywhere! (well i was at first grin )

My ex was with a women for 6 years and engaged until she shagged her ex, he gave her everything had a lovely house, dog etc. I met him i was 18 hes was 24, within 3 months i moved in and did EVERYTHING for him. Breakfast at 6am mon-fri, cleaned his clothes, house and cooked. Everytime he got home from work was a warm bubble bath.

Fast forward to jan, we wanted to have a baby together, 2 months later in march i fell pg(i didnt know at the time) we moved out so he could 'buy' a house, we was arguing, when i told him i was pg, he was fuming. I wont repeat what he said because he was evil, he hasnt bought DS fuck all.

But whos got the last laugh? Me. He lives with a family memeber and my sons room is bigger than his. He also lost his 30k a year job.

Ill be having snuggles with my son on christmas day and counting the new year with him.

Dont worry about your ex, hes a twunt and the more you try to invole him he will make some elaborate lie or story up to worm himself out of it.

How many weeks are you? xxx

angelelle Sun 23-Dec-12 16:54:51

Hi again. Lots of lovely positive stories here. I have had an abortion and kept a baby with the same person who is now not in dds life. Both are hard in different ways and if you want to pm me about it feel free.

I moved back to my Mums and she was my birth partner. If that is an option for you please explore that as it has been a real support.

Don't worry about being a character from eastenders. I am well educated from a middle class family and am doing a dna test next month..hello Jeremy Kyle. Single parents come from all walks of life and I. Have chosen to be very open with my situation resulting in lots of people coming out of the wood work with similar stories. Being single and pregnant is really a case of misery loves companysmile

Pregnacy alone is shit and loving your dc to bits when the father doesn't give a toss is even shitter (see my flogging a dead horse thread). But it is worth it and I very much doubt you will ever regret keeping her. It's a lifelong joy!

This time 3 years ago i found out i was pregnant. The father didnt want to know and he wanted me to get rid. I now have amazing 2 year old twins who i cant even begin to imagine not having in my life. Not going to lie and say its been easy but it has been totally worth it

GirlWindmill Sun 23-Dec-12 20:59:43

Xmaseve, I am about 7/8 weeks. My tears keep flowing and I still miss ex number one. So grieving that too. Girlie, I know I need to be smart with money but guess I can check my entitlements? Housing is major worry as work is in London. But I could work as a comedienne I guess...remotely. angel, thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like you have both sides so may DM you. Slutty twins sound like hard but beautiful work. Mum has just told me she would be my birthing partner but I'd have to live with dad as they split and he has room. Many things to think about. Feel overwhelmed and brain keeps flitting not able to commit to a decision sad happy f*cking Christmas!! X

xmasevebundle Sun 23-Dec-12 22:25:50

You little baby has a heartbeat and is beating away grin

I still think about my babys father id be lying if i said i didnt, my son looks his double but it dont bother me i love him not his dad. My mum and dad saw him a few weeks ago and didnt say fuck all to them.

Think of yourself not him. Feel free to PM me.

I never thought about abortion, i just knew i had to keep my baby. No matter what cost, if i listened to him and aborted it. I think i would of killed myself(no joke).

You have until 24weeks for abortion but i would try and make a choice as the baby is growing at a rapid pace.

Dont be sad xxx

GirlWindmill Tue 25-Dec-12 12:11:17

Happy Christmas to you all and your DCs. Thanks for your support. I'm still in a mess and just wish I knew what to do and did not feel so sad and lost x

missmaybe Thu 27-Dec-12 14:07:19

Hello GirlWindmill, I can completely relate to how you are feeling right now. It's really hard, especially at this time of year I think. I send hugs.

I'm 11 weeks pregnant now and made the same difficult decision a few weeks ago. I'm 29; about to turn 30 at the beginning of January. I was sleeping with somebody who was in an open marriage (with kids already) but he should have been more careful with contraception and the morning after pill didn't work. Obviously he is not in a position to be involved and was desperate for me to have an abortion so that he could forget about the whole thing. Like you I have had three break-ups this year including a very long-term relationship. It does make you feel more emotionally fragile I think, and somehow at sea.

If I am honest I still have somewhat mixed feelings about it, but simply could not bring myself to have an abortion, and overall feel I have made the decision that was right if not easy (neither decision is easy, though, really). I had a big bleed at 9 weeks and the sense of relief that I felt when the sonographer scanned me and I saw a heartbeat and little waving arms was enormous. I am getting quite excited about meeting (and making!) a new little person. Life will just have to somehow accommodate all of this change!

Talking to friends and family really helped. My best friend has been a complete rock. I've moved back in with my mum (I knew I would need to do this soon in order to be able to afford to be off for a year of maternity leave). And - most importantly - I feel a bit less alone with it, and more aware of the emotional and practical support around me. Very very strangely, two of my ex partners have been tremendously supportive and there for me as friends. I was really surprised in a good way.

If you do decide that an abortion is the right choice for you, earlier is much much better and less traumatic than later. Perhaps it would be worth speaking to a counsellor about the situations and how you feel about the possible choices? I considered this but felt clear enough about my decision that I decided not to.

Sorry, I have written an essay here! Do feel free to message me privately; it sounds like our situations are so similar and I have had the same dilemma and there is no right answer but plenty of food for thought. I am trying to figure out the practical side of things now (eg rent in an expensive area, how to manage work/career/commute plus baby, how to deal with being single or dating etc - don't even ask! too funny!).

Big hugs xx

xmasevebundle Thu 27-Dec-12 21:43:01

How are you OP?

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