Seperated Parents trying to decide child's middle name

(8 Posts)
GreenBurrito Wed 14-Nov-12 09:11:08

Hi,
I'm after some advice on how to deal with the issue me and my xp are having regarding our child's middle name(s).

A little bit of back story:
*We had both agreed to use one of my late family members names as the child's middle name, should the child be a boy
*We broke up and contact went from being ok, to bad, to none, to bad and now we are getting on and things are looking up as we've put feelings aside and our doing whatever is best for our child
*A week before the due date xp has said that she doesn't want to use the middle name we had agreed on and instead wants to use her mom's name in it's place

Now I'm not against her using her mom's name as the child's middle name, but I also don't want to lose the name that I had suggested in the first place. I have suggested to xp that we could use both which she said she'd think about.
I've had contact from her since then saying that she doesn't want to use both as she'd feel bad for the child for having 5 names (first name, two middle names, and double barrelled surname), and that it'd be too long for the child to learn and also be too long when form filling.

I've tried to see it from her point of view and I do see that she'd want to use her mom's name as she'd supported her through pregnancy. My own mother has also been there for xp supporting her in other ways and I've tried to be there myself but when contact between me and xp went a rye I can see that I probably didn't seem very supportive at all.

The mind set that I have now, is that our child either has both of these names as their middle name or neither of them. I just can't lose the middle name that I've wanted as it's been in place for around 7 months and having it taken away on the home strech just seems very unfair to both me and my family.

Any and every bit of advice is welcome!

purpleroses Wed 14-Nov-12 09:14:10

Using both sounds the best idea to me. But legally if you're not married I think your ex has the ultimate rights to name, so you'd best try and get her on board with your views.

IneedAgoldenNickname Wed 14-Nov-12 16:27:34

You said you agreed on your family members name if the child is a boy,I assume your ex will only wasn't to use her mums name if its a girl? So surely if the baby is a boy, use your name, and if itsgirl use hers?

Or have I misunderstood something?

MakeItALarge Wed 14-Nov-12 18:37:19

Without knowing all the backstory and details here I may be wrong, but when my ex refused contact while I was pregnant I made decisions about my child. If he didnt like them, it was tough shit. If he wanted to express an opinion he should have been there. So while I did consult him about the first name I chose the middle and last names.

If you walk away and refuse contact then you do not get to come back and pass judgement on things that have been changed in your absence. Course if the loss of contact wasnt your fault then ignore my rant grin

As for having five names, I dont think thats too many my brother has seven, though never uses them all!

chocoreturns Wed 14-Nov-12 19:09:32

I'm afraid I can't suggest much to help you get your favoured name in the mix again. What I can strongly suggest however, is that you try very hard to step back and gain a sense of perspective about this issue. Is it worth rocking the boat over?

It sounds like you have a fragile peace in place which is going to be the basis of your potential physical contact with your child, and like it or not, your ex-P is in the driving seat here. Upset her too much and she can certainly place limits on your time with your new baby (and quite rightly so - eg, not inviting you to the hospital etc if you will upset her during the birth or right after). Not upsetting her beforehand would be prudent if you expect to be welcome at the birth, simply because (however unfair it may seem) you are not calling the shots right now. I know this is probably hard for you to accept, but pregnant women don't really have to consider the desires of their ex partners at all. It's ideal if you can get along of course, it's just a heads up from me on that point.

While a middle name might seem like something to make a stand about before your child has actually arrived, I know from experience (separated from XH while I was pg last year, so I have been there) there are MUCH tougher things to agree upon soon. So in a nutshell, pick your battles. I don't think your child will give much weight to their middle name being related to someone in your family or your ex-P's family who they may not have met or remember. But they will be heavily impacted by how well you and your ex get along in general. Just something to think about - it's always good to take the long view!

GreenBurrito Thu 15-Nov-12 08:48:36

Thanks for all the input, it is greatly appreciated!

GoldenNickname - XP wants to use her mother's name regardless of the gender of the baby but obviously will use the male version of it should baby be a boy.

MakeItALarge - There are always going to be two sides of the story, I did break up with xp because I couldn't see the situation getting any better between us. There was a lot of pressure with trying to find a place to move in together and a lot of unhappiness on both sides. I have always supported her and always will continue too, even if we aren't together. But I can see it from xp's point of view, where we had arguements and the likes it didn't really seem that I was always in her corner.

PurplesRoses & ChocoReturns - We are due to meet up again the weekend to discuss this, all that I think I should do is just say my piece as to why I think that we should use both names, or a combination of both to form 1 name, and then leave the decision in her hands.
The most important thing here is our child and I really can't wait to meet him/her (due on the 19th but if they are anything like me or my xp I can see baby staying put until they are forced out!). And I really do hope that we can show our child that even though Mom and Dad aren't together we can still be a happy family smile

queenofthepirates Thu 15-Nov-12 13:17:23

My advice would be to choose your battles wisely and seek compromise on everything you disagree about. You will have many challenges ahead for the three of you and perhaps ask yourself how important this is in the great scheme of things. You sound like the kind of chap who is willing to give a bit so perhaps give her this one and stand firm on the things that you really care about. She'll hopefully grow to respect you more for it.

Best of luck and hope you have a bonny wee bundle of love soon x

GreenBurrito Fri 16-Nov-12 12:24:56

Thanks Queenofthepirates, that's exactly it. After reading other people's input and thinking about it more myself I do think that I'll be willing to let her have this, as I just want our communication to continue and improve.
I know it's going to hurt me, as the name we had originally had did mean a lot to me, but in the great scheme of things this is just a small bump.

Hopefully my next post here on MN will be an announcement thread! So excited!!

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