how to introduce the idea to dc that i have met a bloke.

[piratecat]

Hiya, I am a long time mumsnetter, and this board helped me so much, when 8 yrs ago my dh up and left me and my dd with no backwards glance. He met someone very quickly and moved in with her and her children

DD was 3, and has never known or remembered a male in my or her life. Her dad pretty much abandoned her emotionally but saw her sporadically for 2 yrs, and when she was 6 stopped contact altogether.

We have become a very tight unit, me and dd, she is now ten. I have met someone and i have no idea how to even broach the subject, as it feels alien to me having been alone all this time, and it's going to be odd for her.

I am so scared of her reaction, or moreso how I should react to her reaction. We have a very good relationship, and we talk alot. We have been through the mill with her father, and she has had some awful times of emotional trauma and physical/health problems too. All probably related.

Her dad is seeing her again tho a few times a month, has been for 4 months. Dd was very brave and asked him back into her life, and i am very pleased that they now have some sort of relationship. She is alot more settled emotionally than she has been in yrs, as she doesn't feel now like she has no father at all.

The person I am seeing is someone who will be longterm. Someone i wish to be with properly eventually. Yet it all feels so weird!! I'd long given up meeting anyone, and I don't even think it would occur to dd that mum might have bloke interested in her

My own parents split when i was a teen and my now step dad moved in pretty soon, and to be honest i went with it as I had no choice and i wanted my mum to be happy. Yet of course, i had seen my mum with my dad for all those yrs so knew mum's can have partners.

So any views on how to get started. She knows this person, as he was a friend who has painted my house, and done stuff around. think diy sorta. So she has a familarity with the name and the face but that is all!!

tia xx

[DoubleYew]

Do you know any other families who have recently acquired a new partner / step parent? Maybe chat about how child X is feeling about it - just to introduce the concept?

[purpleroses]

I met my DP through internet dating and was quite open with my DCs that that was what I was doing - DD enjoyed looking at the photos with me! So I think introducing the idea that you'd like a boyfriend, or that mums who are single often start having boyfriends would be a good start

Your DD probably does have friends at school who have stepdads, but that might not be the best place to start. It's better for her to meet your new man as a friend of her mum's - she may be aware that he's a boyfriend so something a bit more interesting than just a friend, but best for both of them if you don't put any pressure or expectations that he'll become a stepdad at the start. That can all come later once they've got used to each other.

My kids got to know my DP very gradually as he started coming round in the evenings, and saying hello before they went to bed. DP's kids found out about my existence by evesdropping when he was on the phone to me which maybe wasn't the best way, though they were largely positive about meeting me.

[piratecat]

thankyou. gradual is the way then.

he has been round for a cuppa a few times. we have stayed away from each other. in fact she sat between us on the sofa. yet I think she see's him as the bloke who fixes things rather even mum's new friend. iyswim.

I think she likes his phone too, this could be good lol. It's all so alien to me, not quite used to it myself yet. I am so independent it's ridiculous.

Most of her close friends have a dad about. Yet a very good friend who doesn't live nearby has gone thru this. I will have to ask her more about that.

Just a bit nervous of how to tell her we are more than friends, but perhaps we could all do something together, day out? Just have a relaxed time before i start talking about him as a partner??

[piratecat]

purple, dd has always known i have been on date sites. So is not totally unaware mother likes men lol. She is at the age where she has several crushes now.

Did you find any problems?

[purpleroses]

I've had no problems with my kids and DP tbh - DD (who was 6 when first met DP) has always been very keen on him (though not always so keen on me sharing my attention with him) and DS (who was 10) just seemed OK about everything and quite liked talking to DP. DP's kids weren't quite so simple as one of them was hostile to the idea of his dad having a girlfriend (the split between DP and his ex was a bit more recent than mine). Maybe being told directly would have helped him, but he got over it OK in the end and we get on well now. At 10 your DD will probably take it as it comes, or take her cue from you in terms of who your boyfriend will be to her. Start having him round for meals? Day trip out somewhere together? Just gradually get used to things I think.

Think me and DP realised we must have got something right when his youngest (aged 9) reflected one dad and said "daddy, where did you find 'purpleroses'? She wasn't here for Christmas the year before last was she?" - he knew I hadn't always been around but I'd become so much part of his life and he could only vaguely remember how that had come to be.

[suzyrut]

Hi pirate,

I was very similar to you until about 18 months ago, had been seperated for 7 years and though I'd had several boyfriends (hate that term at my age!) never introduced anyone to my 2 dcs (12 and 10 now). I was terrified that they would think I'd betrayed or abandoned them but they've been brilliant.

As purpleroses said the best way seems to be slow and steady. Fun activities outside of the house worked best at the beginning so you're doing something you can talk about and not too much pressure to instantly bond. Whilst I still make time for them both on their own more recently I've also given them time apart from me with new dp in order to develop their relationships with him (this has taken longer with the older than the younger). To give dp credit he didn't jump in and try to be their friend more let them come to him if you see what I mean.

On a positive note never underestimate how much your daughter will want you to be happy, my childen have constantly surprised me with how pleased they are that we've all got a new person in our lives.

Good luck

[aPirateInaPearTree]

suzy, you are right about not underestimating the children. i am thankful for your reply.

glad you found someone decent!!