Just become a single parent and don't know what to do for ds.

(9 Posts)

Hi everyone,

After a turbulent time OH and I finally decided to end things this morning. We have the most wonderful ds who is 21 months and I don't want this to upset him any more then it has to.

OH has been staying at his parents' house for the past week and it has already been confusing for ds, he has said a few times 'dada work NO!' (I've been telling him that his dad was at work) so he obviously knows something is different. He has seen him quite a bit and we have agreed the following access:

Monday and Wednesday: He will collect ds after work and give him his dinner and a bath then bring him home.

Friday: The same but he will stay the night with him and spend Saturday together and come home after dinner.

Does this sound like a good arrangement? I don't want to fight anymore and just want things to be fair for everyone but particularly for ds. ExOH is a great dad (just cheated on me once to often) and loves ds to bits, they have a great relationship and he has assured me that he will not become the parent that spoils his dc to compensate for not being here iyswim.

I feel all over the place emotionally so it's hard to know what is best and wondered what you thought. Any tips or advice gratefully received, thank you.

purpleroses Sun 11-Nov-12 14:25:25

I think your plan sound excellent. At the age your DS is he should adjust easily enough and soon become normal for him. I split up with my ex when DCs were small. One night a week at their dad worked well at first plus some additional contact at mine. Later we switched to alternate weekends and a Mon nights. My main tips would be to make some time - maybe once a month to meet up and discuss parenting things - plus check which days your ex is having DS, holidays, etc. If things are amicable it's really nice to feel that you can still both be parents together.

And try to use time when your ex has DS to build up your social life. Consider whether you'd be happy with ex "babysitting" round at yours or find a friend or teenager so you can get out a bit. Good luck

Athendof Sun 11-Nov-12 17:18:29

I'm not quite sure how that dinner and bath at one house and then sleep in another one is going to work in the long term, you may end up with an overtired child comming back home too late or too overexcited, or him falling sleep in the car just to wake up the moment he arrives to your house.. I would perhaps suggest friday pick up to monday drop off in alternate weekends + a day in the week but with ds staying overnight.

This will reduce frictions in the future.

Thank you for your replies, feeling pretty lonely tonight now that ds is in bed.

Purple, I know it's early days but I can't even consider going out at the moment, way too scary and I just feel old and out of place if I go out, plus I suffer from extreme anxiety and other mental health probs. It is so good to hear that it's not all doom and gloom though, I read the thread about the good things about being a single parent which was good.

Athendof, I know it sounds odd but he has a bath directly after dinner (because of the mess he makes grin) so it's about half five/ six and he'll be back here for half six so time for stories, milk, teeth and cuddles before bed. We've done it twice in the last week and it seemed okay but will change it if ds is getting over tired by it all. Good point to consider!

queenofthepirates Sun 11-Nov-12 19:55:24

Sounds like a sterling plan, it's a difficult time I know but you're doing okay. Keep checking back if you feel the need to but once you're settled into being a single parent, you'll find your feet.

Athendof Sun 11-Nov-12 20:38:18

It is not odd, at that age most children gave their bath straight after dinner and are in bed by 7:30. I'm think of the issues when he is a bit older but as long as things are fine now there will be time to adjust it in the future.

As for feeling lonely, you will eventually get used to the new circumstances and will find company on friends, and possibly another person. It is early days, I know that I couldn't even consider the idea for a long time.

This is also the time when, as somebody put it to me, you are mourning the routines. Eventually all the familiar rutines will be replaced by those of your own and you will start to feel happier. Just take one step at a time, it may get worse before it gets better but eventually you will come on the other side. Just guve it a few weeks.

Mobly Sun 11-Nov-12 21:07:47

To help combat the loneliness, you need to learn to love the freedom that being single brings.

It's very early days, but go to blockbusters & hire some cheery chick flicks, get some nice food & drink in, pamper yourself etc etc, when ds is in bed.

I love my own company now grin

Invite friends round if you're not ready to go out yet.

Mumsnet!

Go to the library & get some good books (both for you & ds).

Keep yourself occupied.

Well done for not putting up with his cheating any longer.

Thank you, mumsnet is my saviour tbh! I lived alone for 6 years before meeting ex and loved it so I know it'll be okay at some point.

I'm trying hard not to think too far ahead as it hurts too much. I can't eat at the moment and have lost a hell of a lot of weight in the last week (silver lining and all that) so may need to buy some new clothes I suppose!

Mobly Mon 12-Nov-12 06:56:08

You sound really strong actually. The contact arrangement sounds absolutely fine. Really hope it all remains amicable for you both.

Shopping definitely a good idea smile

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