whcih is better; difficult contact or totally absent dad?

(55 Posts)
mopsera Tue 11-Sep-12 06:33:56

my ex and i have had a very fraught 4 year relationship, we seperated a year ago and he moved out. my daughter is 2.1/2 He is a drinker off/on, impulsive, inconsistent, erratic, feiry, abusive, mysogynist! who resents me having any control has changed his mind over and over re; how to deal with the contact.he hasnt offered me any long term financial commitment.i manage on benefits at present.

mainly we bumbled along with alterating between his place/ mine , to enable contact as daughter still bf . got to point of 'almost' her staying overnight with him which im ready for, for him to change it /cancel. then a week ago it was 'shared care; then an over night ( he cancelled) then he was staying here; now he says he doesnt want to be around as he needs to 'be a real man' not a doormat. And my daughter can see him 'when she's older' and he might be moving away ( to where he always wanted to get back to in cotswolds). ???? no contact better than another 18 years of stress/ control/ arguments? !! its a releif but also very daunting.

also should i seek court order to ensure legally i have rights of residency just to be legit.? im not pursuing csa for money as he's on benefits and i would only get a fiver as week, i would rather no-hassle /break contact

yummymommy1 Fri 19-Oct-12 13:10:50

yuh huh how about the recent news story on the welsh lady with the spanish husband? he got custody of the kids despite then saying they wanted to live with thier mommy.she disappeared with them before social workers came to take them back, now they have been found. they live in a gated complex with barred windows. whats that all about? !!

Shriek Fri 19-Oct-12 13:48:55

oh hell!

We don't know the details (well I don't) but that does seem at face value to be completely ludicrous that children wanting oto be with the mom get taken away from her. Oh Gawd!!!! Who cares about the children then? As they will suffer terribly being away from their mother (even if she's not the best of moms).

Meglet Sat 20-Oct-12 18:22:18

I'm with because on this.

"If you had a friend who had drink problems or behavioural issues would you let them look after your kid unsupervised?"

Just because someone is a father it doesn't mean they get to see their kids come regardless of how they behave. I actually count the dc's lucky as they never see their hopeless father, they are never messed around or see him as a bad influence. He had almost a year to sort himself out and he didn't so I drew a line under it. I felt the dc's would be vulnerable to his attitude and behaviour if they were to see him regularly.

And yes to, grandfathers, uncles, brothers etc being good male role models. 5yo DS doesn't get to see bad male role models now.

I suppose we are lucky as XP never bothered to fight for contact though, God knows what would happen if he appeared out of nowhere. He wouldn't be seeing them if I had my way.

Niome Sun 21-Oct-12 08:19:49

Meglet..totally agree with you....having the label of being a parent doesn't automatically give you a ticket to see your children......parents don't have any rights over their children....they have responsibilities.....children have a voice and sound be listened to. Seeing 'a father drunk and out of character' is a form of abuse and you have done the right thing to protect your children. Abuse is not just directed at the children....it is indirect too....through witnessessing it. This is just as harmful. It's good that you are able to see the rest of the family....

Shriek Mon 22-Oct-12 11:46:09

agreed meglet, so definitely wouldn't let anyone care in that situation. Wish it didn't affect the child but sadly it does, and cannot know or control whether ex is drinking, and also this is not just anyone we''re talking about here, its the father. The father being completely irrelevant you understand, but to the child the father means needing to be wanted/loved/accepted, etc. A child not finding out for themselves and making their own decisions about contact with them can be viewed as rejection which is extremely damaging. If the father is a drinker then the child will have to learn how to cope with that, which might be not to see them, etc., but ultimately their decision not the decision of anyone else unless child in real danger? I know that its damaging also to witness 'out of character' behaviour as Niome says, so is being raged at and being scared by their anger, but others can put all that into context for a child and show them other ways to deal with it, whereas absent altogether - well all those questions, what does it mean to their psychy - I need to go back and review that research as the evidence now seems to be swinging around.

Blimey! How is a mum supposed to do the right thing anymore!?

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