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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

Babys father is married and not too me !

77 replies

Elz · 13/03/2006 14:12

Is anyone in a similar situation to me. my ex partner is married with his own children. I thought they had split up but found out after 4 months this wasnt the case when his wife invited a load to people to a surprise birthday party inc me i realised but it was too late and i had fallen preggers although i was on the pill ! We both worked at the same company hence party invite. Is anyone in the same boat as me ?? married partner but not to them ! My babys 14 months now and im so lonely and find the whole situation a nightmare. I also worry she will find out and i feel so bad and guilty if only i had know i would never have seen him. If it comes out ill look like a bitch as well and i really didnt know ! cant talk to any of my friends or all the girls in my baby group as they wouldnt understand there all happily married or with the babys dads. Anyone else feel the same :)

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sanchpanch · 13/03/2006 14:22

hiya sorry to hear you feel down, not in this situation but i am lone parent.

Are you still involved with him?

Elz · 13/03/2006 14:45

Kind of i see him a couple of times a month but as a friend i wouldnt let me have the satisfaction of anything else ! Situation has remained the same since he found out i was expecting. Ive done everything on my own right from the beggining. I hate going to babys partys as the only single parent :-( how old are your children/child ?

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sanchpanch · 13/03/2006 14:52

my girls are 8 and 2, split up with dp in june 2005,

so he has contact with your child, yet his wife hasnt got a clue?

I would try not to worry about being single parent, its probably not what you had planned for your life, as it wasnt for me, and i do understand, although i do have a good friend who's split with her hubby, so we moan at each other, if i go to park there are dad's there and if i am honest i am jelious, but at the end of the day i still have my family, it's just me and girls and not there dad....

Could you go to gingerbread meet up. to meet other single mums?

Or try net mums there may be other single parents close to you..

HappyMumof2 · 13/03/2006 14:56

I wouldn't worry about being a single parent. It's not unusual nowadays. Tbh, I don't really think about it anymore as I've also been on my own with my kids.

Who are you worried about finding out, your dd or your ex's wife?

Carmenere · 13/03/2006 15:13

Your child deserves a relationship with her grandparents and relations on her fathers side. You say if this comes out, it will come out and nomatter what his wife is going to go mental and probably won't believe you diddn't know. Get used to being unpopular but don't worry about it too much, your priority has to be your child now. How dare he be denying your babies existance in his life. Does he have other children?

Uwila · 13/03/2006 15:44

Agree with Carmenere. Your baby deserves a father. Is he giving you child support? His kids deserve to know that have a brother/sister. You deserve a bit of help raising this child. Let you baby's father deal with his wife. You too were lied to. Why are you covering for him, at your child's expense?

desperateSCOUSEwife · 13/03/2006 15:49

agree with carmenere and uwila

the selfish git needs to be there for his child
let him sort the wife out
I wouldnt worry about her, I wouldnt worry about him neither
it is your child that matters
xxx

Eve2005 · 13/03/2006 15:53

i think his wife has a right to know what her husbands been playing at behind her back too, i doubt you're the only one. have you considered writing her a letter, people have a tendancy to take more in if it's written down. if you told her face to face she'd probably fly into a rage (with justification) before you were able to explain that you didn't know he was married but if you write it down you might have more chance of her understanding.

i'm not a single mom but know how i would feel if this were my husband, it's not right that he can get away with this behind her back and she will eventually find out, the longer that takes the more abused and hurt she'll be.

Carmenere · 13/03/2006 15:55

Elz, I don't think anyone here is judging you but we are all well aware of how tough having a baby is and doing it by yourself is a huge job. We just think that he should be helping you and if it mess's up his happy home, tough, he should have thought about that when he first went offside. A baby cannot just be swept away conveniently and you need support. Why can't you talk to your friends?

desperateSCOUSEwife · 13/03/2006 15:58

agree with carm again

Uwila · 13/03/2006 16:10

Oh, one more thing: tosser! (him, not you)

HappyMumof2 · 13/03/2006 16:21

did you think they had split temporarily or permanently?

poor woman, I think she has a right to know, he's probably got kids all over the place

desperateSCOUSEwife · 13/03/2006 16:23

agree with uwila again, but could of used stronger words

Elz · 13/03/2006 16:40

Thanks for the replys. no i dont claim any support from him as i feel he cant have a say in my sons upbringing then. The reason i dont want her to find out is because if she is happy and they have a daughter together who is 10ish i dont want to upset or brake up her family. he made his choice and dosnt want me so there no point i feel upsetting the apple cart. I did and do love him so its earier said than done. I would be lying if i didnt say i dont think of revenge for the way i was messed about and cheated but for my sons sake i need to behave better than that. I also dont want if she does forgive him for them to have him weekends i couldnt bear that. even if that sounds selfish he dosnt want to be a dad to him so why should i make him. No sure why i came on here maybe its just a chance for me to write down what im thinking. Infact i care enough about him not to tell anyone. more fool me i expect. i see him about once a month just to say hi. anyway thanks for all the replys guess i got myself into this so ill have to get myself out :-(

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MillionDollarBaby · 13/03/2006 16:44

I would either start claiming money and set up regular access for you ds OR get rid of him all together.. I don't think he should be allowed to have his cake and eat it nor do I think that he should be able to come and go from your sons life willy nilly!

On top of that - you'll never be able to move on whilst he's still lurking around.

Agree re. tosser comment.

MillionDollarBaby · 13/03/2006 16:44

get rid of bloke not son (obviously!)

HappyMumof2 · 13/03/2006 16:46

I really don't think you should be seeing him at all. You are putting yourself in a very vulnerable position. You say you still love him. What if he tried it on??? Will you always say no?

No, I'm sorry but you are giving him his cake and letting him eat it.

Either let him paying maintence and have regular access or get well rid.

Elz · 13/03/2006 16:54

I have always said no for the last 3 years as to be honest i wouldnt give him the satisfaction :-) i know i should just cut all ties its just hard i guess. If his wife found out and they split up he would want to come round and i would neer be able to move on. just feel im living a lie all the time. it gets a bit worse than that he is the director where i used to work. luckily i took redundancy whilst on maternity leave. i would also hate for people there to find out. its a big company with over 3000 staff. anywhay thanks for the replys guys x

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Elz · 13/03/2006 16:56

sorry ment 2 years well since finding out i was pregnant. :)

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Uwila · 13/03/2006 16:58

oi. Director... 20% of his paycheck for the next 18 years. Can you really give that up? For what? Don't you think your son deserves... oh I don't know.... an education?!?!?!? Bet his other kid goes to nice private school.

You are letting him walk all over you and your child. I feel very bad for you. But, I can't understand why you don't want to get what you child deserves. I can't believe you are really putiing their family's happiness before your own child.

Uwila · 13/03/2006 16:59

Oh, this is going to be like that MrsMiggins thread that sucked me in. Why are there so many assholes around?!?!

Elz · 13/03/2006 17:02

i was an only child and never new my dad and i just dont feel i missed out on anything. i would love to be a hppy family with him but thats never gona happen. his so unrealiable that i would rather my son never new him than waited for him to turn up and he nevers comes. he didnt even send him a 1st birthday or xmas card which made me realise. im so used to making money myself and although i dont have alot and i buy most things seconhand im lucky enough to have my own home and some money aside and i dont claim any benefits. i work part time :)

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HappyMumof2 · 13/03/2006 17:03

tell me if I'm wrong - but is it that you secretly hope he will come back to you? It sounds as though so hoped he'd leave his wife but he didn't. Now it sounds as though you are being 'nice' in the hope it will 'pay off'

What other possible reason would there be to be 'nice' to a bloke like this? He doesn't deserve it, and your child definately deserves for you to get what he's entitled to

Elz · 13/03/2006 17:07

i would never have gone out with him if i thought he and his wife were still together. but yes your probably right maybe i am still dreaming of being a family that wont happen. i dont know why im being nice if this wasnt me i would be saying the same as everyone else. but as he isnt interested in my son i dont see the point of making him be. my son would be better with no dad (like me) than one who dosnt want to be. and yes they shop at john lewis and i get bargains off ebay and bootsales :-) although i think i would do that anyway.

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expatinscotland · 13/03/2006 17:08

Are you claiming benefits? B/c it burns me up as a taxpayer that these dads get off scot-free and everyone else has to pick up the tab!

The hell w/protecting his feelings! HE cheated. NOT you.

Why are you sparing his feelings at the expense of your child? He has a right to know.

My aunt did this - she had three kids by a man who was married. She raised them completely on her own w/no support from him or the government. But you know what? They found out. They blew the lid on it all, too. Turns out he was a senior councillor.

So it's a case of buy now, pay later, b/c sooner or later, those kids start digging around.

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