Facing pregnancy alone?

[thedogsrolex]

There seem to be quite a few threads lately posted by women facing pregnancy alone for whatever reason. I was thinking maybe it would be a good idea to have one ongoing thread for support and advice...what do you think? I know it would have helped me way back when I had dd? (apologies if there is already one, I haven't come across it).

[TheMysteryCat]

yes, i think it could be a good idea!

I now have a bustling 18 month old, but did the whole pregnancy alone, so happy to answer any queries people might have. Can't promise I'll know the "right" answers though!

[thedogsrolex]

Ok, bump then.

[sillymillyb]

Ooh yes, I'm up for that! Currently feeding 16wo ds and been on my tod throughout. Will write more when have use of both hands :D

[TheMysteryCat]

i loved the first few months with just me and DS. other mums I met at the time were very stressed out trying to work out how to keep their partners and their baby happy.

i felt me and DS could set our own pace, co-sleep and just take each day as it came!

[saladsandwich]

hi, i didnt do it on my own with my first ds but i may as well have, hes now 3

if you dont mind me asking, how did you tell the dad (if you werent together) that you where pregnant.... this is my biggest hurdle at the moment

[thedogsrolex]

was that question to me or just general salad?

[TheMysteryCat]

i couldn't find the dad, so i didn't.

i don'tknow how i would tell him now if i did, though. it would be a very big shock.

sorry, that's probably not very helpful.

are you ready to tell him yet?

maybe be easier to wait until you've got your head around the pregnancy and plans first of all.

[thedogsrolex]

obviously not to me (must read own threads) . Doh (Homer Simpson)

[girliefriend]

Hello I did the pregnancy alone and am still doing it alone 6yrs on salad I wrote to dds 'dad' (I use that term loosely!)when I was pregnant. Got a letter back 6 months later saying he had no interest in being a parents thanks very much, have never heard from him again!!!

[saladsandwich]

thaks... i was just asking it in general :) ive tried tonight and made a royal cock up of it :( he knows though now

[CinnamonPreztel]

God, this brings back the worst time of my life. 18, pregnant and dumped. Panick attacks throughout the 9 months, hypermesis, thought I had ruined my life and grew so depressed. Now, I have an amazing 4 year ds, have dated, got a degree, doing a masters and honestly rather than holding me back being a single mum spurs me on. I wish so so much I had my ds with a life partner but life is not too bad at all.

[angelelle]

As you know I am on my own, still have down days like today but more and more up days so I know it gets better. I am almost in a worse situation as the 'father' (also use that terms loosely) keeps being very vague with what he wants, he wants nothing to do with pregnancy, birth and immediately after the birth but then has said things (the few times we have had contact) that he wants to have shared custody. I almost find this more stressful as I have no idea what his intentions are. I am pretty sure he wont want to see his child for the first few months as he has said that he wont be able to be any support during the difficult time, ie crying, pooing, vomiting and so on. I think his plan is to have some kind of contact when the baby becomes more interesting and less hard work!!!! Like I say, not sure he even knows what he is thinking. To be honest I would prefer him just to go away completely now as he is causing me more stress. We do however not have any contact anymore and I think some of his words might be quite empty. Wouldn't surprise me at all if I never heard from him again!!

cinnamonpretzel - lovely to hear how well it has turned out for you, even if it has been tough look at the amazing things you have done :)

Also like was said in the other single preggo thread I started. We are allowed to feel sad and shit being left alone pregnant. It is a very emotional time for a woman. People who say stuff like 'get over it' have obviously never been pregnant!! Anyway, I heard the heartbeat again yesterday and belly grown 3 more cm which is good as due to stress I have gained no weight!! But the midwife said this was OK as baby growing fine :)

[Scarredbutnotbroken]

I'm 25 weeks with dd2 post separation. I strongly relate to the having to keep partner happy with a small baby bring v hard going with an already stained marriage.

If you are daunted by lone parenting, the truth is its a task heavy business and tiring as in washing cooking sleepless nights etc but they are just that, tasks. Once you get past that I found the more abstract stuff about making decisions alone so much easier. Exp found my confidence and research about parenting v undermining in his childish way and god help me if I asked the advice of anyone who wasn't him!
Now I am alone with dd and expecting mu stress levels are nowhere near what they were and I'm v undaunted by having 2 alone. I get v tired but have learnt to remind myself it's just tiredness and not the end of the world or depression!

My min comes to scans with me as does dd. mum will be with me for the birth and dd will stay with a close friend. I have avoided relying on exp for anything except maintenance ££.

[VeremyJyle]

I'm facing pregnancy alone, Bf doesn't want the baby and I suspect we won't last long (haven't been together long either
I'm fine with single-motherdom - been doing that already with 3dc but already struggling with tiredness and knowing I've got a scan next week that I can't find childcare for. Father knows about scan but DCs dad has no idea I am pregnant (will face endless ridicule when he does find out) feel stupid for finding myself in this position, baby wasn't planned (I had/have a coil)
So glad I found this thread though

[TheMysteryCat]

angelelle

I cannot believe that a court would order shared custody of a child under one, especially if the mother was breastfeeding. Children need their mothers far too much in the first year to cope with being brought up in two houses. nevermind the practical issues if breastfeeding, as your baby will need to feed regularly and be in close constant contact with you.

I would imagine that the best solution if he really is/wants to be involved is for him to visit for an hour a day or a few times a week. certainly not for him to go out without you with the baby and not for shared custody.

legal advice would probably be sensible if you think he's going to go through with this. maybe go to CAB in the first instance.

please take care of yourself! i was also very stressed and it helped me just to try and take one day at a time, i.e today I will sort phone some letting agents/the council to try and find somewhere to live. tomorrow i will compare online some essential baby things etc etc.

[Scarredbutnotbroken]

Angelelle- the Cafcass type recommendation for access to a newborn by the non resident parent is a couple of hours once a fortnight - that's what he may be able to get if he went to court. Feel better? Due to my own circs I am becoming bloody expert in family law proceedings. I am also a SW so if you want to ask me anything you don't want to post pm me by all means x

The comments from other people that fuck me right off are 'its going to be v hard you know on your own with two' - really? You make it sound like I had a choice???? If I had a choice it would be between a violent abusive marriage or single parenthood - ok I'll just take my husband back to pacify you? Rahhhhhh I feel better

[TheMysteryCat]

scarred thanks for the info!

I've been asked in rl what might happen form people who know i'm a lone parent, so great to now be able to give them direct info!

the "it's going to be hard" brigade should sod off. can't they do something more productive like ask if you need help with anything? it is hard(er), but it's still amazing as well and it sounds like you've made the best choice in the circumstances for you and your family.

[angelelle]

Hi guys, thanks for the info. Well due to the 'father' not wishing to take part in anything difficult and actively saying that he will not be able to support me (has not said why, just said that he cant) he has forced me to move back to my mums who will be with me at birth, help with the first months etc. I am moving to hers in 2 weeks and cant wait to finally be a bit pampered. As my mother lives overseas this is where I will be until I find I am able to move back to my place...dont know how long this will be, my network is my homecountry which is the UK! Time will tell if he gets on a plane and flies out to see us! That will prove I guess how willing he is to bond with his child. Like I say, it is more stressful to me to wonder what he is going to do. So far he has not been in touch with me. There is no way he will be able to force me to move back to his country in the first few years at least as I have NO network there as he has forbidden me contact with his parents. I am totally alone with a shithead who wont even pick up the phone and ask me how I am feeling. For all he knows or cares the baby could have died in me as he never contacted me after scans etc. Sorry I am sounding really bitter today, having a shit day and crying as I write this. I just never thought anyone could be so cold hearted. Counting down the days flying home to my mum. Not saying that everything will be perfect then but at least I will be with someone who loves me and is excited about baby coming.

xx

[angelelle]

and to get back to practicals and not to just be bitter, lol. I feel quite certain that as I am giving birth in the UK and my child will be a british citizen I will be protected by british law. Can I also be a bit controversial here!! To those who say that I should set my own feelings aside and bend over backwards to allow access etc - sod off. Do you really think that someone who has not spoken to the mother for 9 months deserves to be welcomed back with open arms when he feels like it?? if he wants to see the child he can but he will bloody well have to work at it ie travel here, book into hotels and so on. Grrrr.

Just going to try and relax, for the first year and while breastfeeding not a lot he can do and I am hoping to move to the UK permanently in the next 2 years as I feel I need my family in this project!! Said to my sister the other day I might be one of those who breastfeeds until 4 just so he can't force me to hand her over, lol!!

sorry, realise I was being a bit bitter there again, oh well, can't be positive all days!

[Pickles77]

That would be really great dogsrolex

[Pickles77]

Oh angel, I feel completely like you... When are you due?

[angelelle]

Hi Pickles. I am due 4th october :) When are you due? I am glad someone else feels like me, lol. I have days where I try and rise above and be all gracious and forgiving but today I am feeling extremely bitter so just going with the flow. I can totally accept he doesn't want a relationship with me but to act like a complete tool when it comes to having any interest in his child I am having a hard time to forgive. I remember the night I got pregnant and I actually suggested protection as I was at the end of my period and he said not to worry and 'hop on'!!! I mean in what world does this make it all my fault (which he has been trying to say). Sorry just really need to spew it all out today, lol

Sad thing is I put this guy on a pedestal for the past 3 years...just goes to show what a crap judge of charater I am ;)

[Pickles77]

Hey I'm due 28th sept.
I'm going through pretty much what you are, except he wants to see baby not me. He thinks I've planned this.... I've got a thread under relationships called weekends.
I know just how your feeling, I'm angry, I'm
Bitter, I'm sad. I'm up I'm down and it's so bloody hard!
Hope your okay x

[angelelle]

thanks, yes, it is up and down, sometimes I can laugh about it....then I get mad at him and then at me for letting him mess me around. So we are 6 days apart! We will be fine. I keep hearing that once they pop out we will only think of them and no one else and that is what I am clinging on to :) That and looking at baby stuff.

xx

[Pickles77]

That is exactly what I try to do!