Facing pregnancy alone?

(1000 Posts)
thedogsrolex Thu 12-Jul-12 18:30:46

There seem to be quite a few threads lately posted by women facing pregnancy alone for whatever reason. I was thinking maybe it would be a good idea to have one ongoing thread for support and advice...what do you think? I know it would have helped me way back when I had dd? (apologies if there is already one, I haven't come across it).

Pickles77 Sun 15-Jul-12 21:09:21

That is exactly what I try to do!grin

VeremyJyle Sun 15-Jul-12 21:13:32

Well I've managed to arrange childcare for scan on Friday grin small fib to ex and bf wants to come smile <- less enthusiasm on that one wink

Feeling nervous about scan, maybe I should slope off of MN for a while, not got a good feeling

Pickles77 Sun 15-Jul-12 21:15:39

Why are you not positive? X

Pickles77 Mon 16-Jul-12 10:31:26

Do you think if I write a letter to XP it might help him get how I feel dabs provoke some emotion sad

VeremyJyle Mon 16-Jul-12 10:33:39

I often write letters but never send them, it will make you feel better and put things into context, I find it very therapeutic, and if you do send it then keep a copy to reflect on later

angelelle Mon 16-Jul-12 10:36:41

I have been reccomended by people NOT to contact xp until after birth. He is in panic mode right now and i believe in My case any contact Will push him further away. I tried for 6 months and didnt work so now just leaving it and focusing on me until after i give birth. However, only we know our xp. I know how mine ticks and the more i push the more he Will run scared. If you feel you can reach yours through contact or conversation then do. Just note that in the first months of pg i sent some, what i felt, really heartwarming letters to xp and he never responded so as long as you feel strong enough to take the response or lack thereof in My casesmile. Wishing you luck. Xxx

Pickles77 Mon 16-Jul-12 11:47:28

okay.... im leaving the stamps in the draw smile

angelelle Mon 16-Jul-12 13:09:29

Ha ha OK....like I say, we only know them best. Mine has shut down completely, lol. He was the one pushing for dna test for example so I set it all up for him (even though I was really angry inside) and sent him all the info about what he needed to do....didn't even respond to that! Cheers!

Pickles77 Wed 18-Jul-12 18:44:20

What a ass.
Can someone explain what this means to me:
I haven't forgotten the good times, you have disregarded them and not appreciated they don't come easy?confused

angelelle Wed 18-Jul-12 20:05:16

Did you text him?? Sounds cryptic...i am going to wait until à few weeks nearer delivery date to contact mine.

Pickles77 Wed 18-Jul-12 20:15:05

No I got that one out of the blue? Had been texting nicely on a old phone, but before it got nasty gave mum the sim. She checked the sim tonight as I was bugging her- got that...

Scarredbutnotbroken Wed 18-Jul-12 20:59:33

Meh cryptic and inviting contact - who h he doesn't deserve

summerinthesun Fri 20-Jul-12 14:10:00

Hi there,

I'm also single and pregnant and I'm glad this support thread is here. I had a 3 week wait to find out if the baby had Down Syndrome. Just got called by the hospital that it doesn't, which is amazing news. But it means I actually need to start thinking about how on earth I'm going to cope with 2 little ones on my own.

I have to say Scarred I feel in a simlar situation to you. My ex was emotionally abusive, so I wasn't worried in the slightest about being a single mum to the DD we already have. I knew it would be 100 times easier than trying to bring her up with him trying to make my life difficult at every turn. I actually knew I was pregnant before I left him, and that was a catalyst for me to move quickly, as I knew he would make life very hard for me being heavily pregnant and trying to look after DD.
He is delighted by news of the pregnancy, and is trying to use that to make us get back together. As he lives in another country that won't be as easy as he hopes.

I just want to have a rant at the bad reaction of friends and family though.
My mum saying I'll never get another man to take me on now I'll have 2 children

My friend saying my new work will be really angry when they find out I'm pregnant.
Lots of friends saying it will be really hard, I won't be able to manage.

What makes me really mad is these 'friends' are about to start IVF as they are desperate for kids, and they were basically saying I should have an abortion, because I'll never cope with 2.

Pickles77 Fri 20-Jul-12 14:53:59

Summer- I know it's hard, but ignore them. I get comments like that. I find it very hard to accept people judging me. I have up and down days but I am starting to believe in myself and can't wait to prove people wrong.

You can do that too smile

lolo99 Fri 27-Jul-12 20:13:20

dear all, I am 12 weeks and was only with the father of my baby for 6 months. Conveniently in his eyes (when I told him I was pregnant) he decided to say that we were never really an item and 'what the hell?'...and he is meant to be an 'intelligent' person. He told me not to contact him anymore about 3 weeks ago after he told me he was deciding on the least damaging outcome for 'our future husbands or wives' (idiot) I suggested he 'man up and get on with it' and that I was sure anyone who loved him in his future would accept him with a beautiful kid. I was then accused of manipulating him by saying 'beautiful kid' and 'man -up'. Seriously what a joke some men are...not 'men at all'.

I am really scared of doing it all alone, the pregnancy, labour, first few weeks, no respite etc but I am also excited and know I will cope. I am very scared about finances and how I will pay my rent etc and childcare when I have to go back when any maternity pay ceases. I am sad that unlike my close friends, I have no partner to do it all with and don't have financial stability like them and the funds to buy nice gear but...... Looking forward to being active on mumsnet though and getting everyone's advice and support.

Pickles77 Fri 27-Jul-12 21:41:45

Lolo I was with my partner 18 months and moved country for him. I found out at 21 weeks pregnant and he did what your
Partner has done.
I'm now back living with my parents, and have been very depressed. I'm now 31 weeks and I miss him everyday, it pains me on what he is missing out on.
Im terrfied of the future, but through a lot of great mumsnetters I'm coping.
If you need a hand holding I'm here. It's tough and it's emotional! In this heat it's even harder. You don't need him, i thought I needed someone but mine causes too much hurt and abuse. Leave him be, let him know when the baby is born. Ball is in his court then.
If you need cheering up look at the thread I posted on pregnancy when I was feeling low- what are we looking forward to. It will make you melt smile

SwissArmyWife Fri 27-Jul-12 22:10:35

Just marking my place, will read tomorrow.

In short - 25 weeks pregnant with my second (little boy, due 9th Nov)
Partner walked out wednesday and has made it clear he doesn't want to come back, so feeling a bit scared.
Baby was planned, we were engaged, looking to move etc etc.
He couldn't take all the arguments we've had recently so i'm left to fend for myself with a 15mo DD.

Be back tomorrow. smile

Pickles77 Sat 28-Jul-12 09:52:26

Morning swissarmy hope your well. You don't need him causing hassle and being another child at the minute then.
Do you think he might just be having a funny few months?

SwissArmyWife Sat 28-Jul-12 10:32:18

Morning, i'm ok, just a tad emotional at the moment. Have just got DD down for a nap so have a bit of time to myself.

I'm not sure what he's having to be honest, and I don't even know if I want him back after everything, but i'm terrified of doing everything by myself.
I'm suffering with PGP and what may be Ante-natal depression so am angry that he's left me in this situation, and he is blaming me for causing the break up.
Of course I would never deny the fact that i've made mistakes, I am an honest person and will admit to anything i've done wrong, but he's just as much in the wrong as I am and doesn't seem to see it that way.
It changes every hour. One hour i'll feel brave and think to myself that i'll be fine, and think "screw him", the next i'm sobbing because I wish he was here with me.
It's exhausting and I hate feeling so vulnerable and worried about the future.

I'm so sorry we're all in this situation, but I hope we can all support eachother through it. How is everyone else today?

Pickles77 Sat 28-Jul-12 10:40:02

Oh I'm like that up and down, Its been a few months for me & I still get sad and angry.
I've found MN great for support though.
Unfortunately I'm feeling poorly atm think I've run myself down sad

angelelle Sat 28-Jul-12 10:41:03

Pickles, amazes me our situations are so similar. I too am in a foreign country smile And about to move back to my mums. But I have kind of got over that and am seeing it for the best it is, lots of pampering and looking after, not easy though aged 39, lol! Its kind of nice though as my dad passed away last year so mum has been quite lonely and I am having a girl so I am seeing us as three generations of women living together and luckily mum has a big house. Not staying there forever but certainly in the beginning for support!

So re the other thread I started, about letting him know after the birth. Well development there. I had a good friend staying here for a few days (lots of crying was done which I really needed to do). So we decided the right thing to do was for me to send him a text to say I am leaving the country (which he wanted) and I woudl keep him updated (did not mention word giving birth). It was non inflamatory and closed so did not need to elicit response. I had my friend here in case nasty text back. Well didnt need to worry about that as nothing!! But at least I feel I have done the right thing and not left the country without telling him.

What hurts me the most is that I have asked him for nothing, not asked him to come back, not asked him for money or help. I asked him to be at the birth a while back but I said that was for his sake as I thought he might regret it in the future. But I have had nothing back, only asked for a bit of kidness and respect but not even got that. I realised that after silence from my last text when he could have easily just said 'good luck' you wouldn't treat a dog the way he has treated my during pregnancy. I am not sad about being single mum and cant wait to have my daughter. I am sad that a person who I have thought was the bees knees for the past three years can turn around and treat me like shit on his shoe. I guess it is not until a time of crisis (he would call this a crisis) that you realise what people really go for. Grr, sorry realise this went into a rant. Ha ha

But really, two months to go, cant wait, yes disappointed and hurt by his behaviou but not bitter and forgiven him as anger only hurts me. Trying to be really philosophical about it. His loss, not mine. Did however in a time of despair contact a psychic who told me he would come crawling back after the birth...hmmm think more likely pigs will fly!! Lol. Not sweating it, had a lovely conversation with single mum yesterday who said once the babies born you wont even think of the father, you will just focus on your child. She has a toddler now and they have an amazing bond. Not easy of course being alone but we make it work right!!

xx

Pickles77 Sat 28-Jul-12 10:46:06

Oh yes, we shall soldier on! I think as we're getting closer to our dd's were getting this 'fuck you' attitude. Which is what we needed!! We are brave, they are bloomin cowards!
I think we should start taking bets
On which one melts upon seeing baby the soonest! HA well it's too late then! I wouldn't even let my xp look after my pooch for a hour!!grin

angelelle Sat 28-Jul-12 10:48:01

swissarmywife. Just sending you a hug. I think you are probably in a bit of shock now...I was exactly the same in the begninning and would literally cry all day. If I had one hour of feeling good then that was a bonus! So I took each day as it came, little by little. Now I am 7 months and I have many more good moments in the day with little sad moments dotted in. Usually mornings when I wake up and have to force myself to get going. I realise my situation is not as tough as yours, wasnt engaged and no other kids involved. I really hope that you have lots of support around you, it will get easier. And like pickles said, it could be a funny turn by him. I am not condoning it atall but I guess that is the only way I can myself see sense in my situation. Allow yourself time to feel like shit, it will get easier day by day. xxxx

angelelle Sat 28-Jul-12 10:50:32

Ha ha, yes, wondering about that. I still do worry about him trying to come back in and throwing his weight around (can be a bit of a control freak, or a lot...) but I will deal with that when it happens. I know he wont be back for the first few months at least as he has told me he doesnt want to be invovled during the difficult times ie the sleepless nights, the vomiting, the crying etc. Suits me fine then, wont look to good for him in a court of law!! (oops got a bit bitter there again smile Yes I do think the nearer we get to giving birth the stronger we get. I know it wont change now, I know he wont turn up at the birth. I just want to get on with it now and I know when I hold her in my arms all the heartache will have been worth it.

angelelle Sat 28-Jul-12 10:52:37

And I am really hoping she will be the spit of him. Apparently babies to tend to look like their fathers at birth so they wont be rejected!! In the times before dna tests I guess. Mine can be very very hard so I am not giving too much hope into him melting but I think a lot of men do. I just happened to chose a man that can literally switch his emotions of with a switch, saw this happen several times during our relationship so I know how he works!! Oh well. Almost happy now it is just her and me smile

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