Anyone dumped during pregnancy?

(25 Posts)
firstfroggy Sat 17-Mar-12 09:48:17

I am 35 and 17 weeks pregnant and last week I was dumped by my boyfriend. Despite planning this pregnancy and being desperately in love at the time (and also the fact he is already father to a three year old), he couldn't get his head around this pregnancy, particularly after i refused to have an abortion and has told me he doesn't love me anymore
and doesn't want the baby.
Obviously I'm devastated, but the more people I talk to, the more common this sounds.
There is no chance of a reconciliation now, though he claims he'll be there for the baby when it's born. But I just wanted to hear some positive stories or advice from any other mums
out there who have gone through a pregnancy and birth alone.
Thank you

RoxyRobin Sat 17-Mar-12 10:43:59

So sorry this has happened to you, froggy - and at a time when you should be so happy.

I'm afraid I've got no useful advice, but you might perhaps want to post this on the Relationships board, which gets a lot of traffic. You're likely to get some supportive advice there.

corlan Sat 17-Mar-12 11:14:33

I'm sorry that this has happened to you firstfroggy - unfortunately, it's not all that unusual.

I split up with my partner of 13 years when I was pregnant - I instigated the split but I wasn't left with much choice.

I'm nearly 14 years down the line and it's a positive story in that my XP has kept up contact with our DD and they love each other. I still can't stand him but I suppose it just shows that things can work out.

It's hard to go through the pregnancy alone - you look around and it seems like all you see are happy couples. The Doctor will give you that damn pregnancy book 'Emma's Diary' where she goes on about her husband all the time - mine ended up in the bin!!!

Looking back, I wish I had asked for more help and support from friends and family. I guess what I've learned is that nobody will thank you for being a martyr.

And Congratulations on your pregnancy by the way thanks

chocoraisin Sat 17-Mar-12 12:30:26

hello - I'm 23 weeks now and going through the same thing. My thread is over in relationships, not sure how to link but it's called How could he? sad

happy to share bump stories and support each other? I'm 29 with one DS already. It's awful, but little by little I'm getting my head around it. Found out when I was 14 weeks... x

chocoraisin Sat 17-Mar-12 12:31:57

how could he

gobbledegook1 Sat 17-Mar-12 13:26:34

Not quite the same but I kicked my ex out after he assaulted me at 12 weeks pregnant after moving a couple of hundred of miles away from friends and family to be with him. Me and my son are so unbelievably close as a result so it has its plus points.

TeaTeaLotsOfTea Sat 17-Mar-12 13:39:45

It happened to me, then he came back then he left, then he came back all the way through till I was about 36 weeks then he stayed until DS was 1 month old then he left again but he missed me so he came back.

What a mug I was eh!!

Then I found out he was cheating the day before my first mothers day and I kicked him out and never had him back.

He was a shit dad anyway (still is).

As a result Im much more confident, very independant and DS and I are very very close.

mummymcphee Sat 17-Mar-12 23:50:43

Sorry this has happened to you firstfroggy!! You must still be in total shock. I was 35 and 9 weeks pregnant when my ex and I split up. The thing is my beautiful dd is now 6 months old and I have managed without any help from him. He too wanted me to have an abortion. I scraped the cash together to go on an NCT course instead when preggers. Initially I found it hard being single on a course about birth with four couples. I have to say just texting the other four mums for support, help and advice was struggling helped get me by. They have all had their relationships tested to the max by the birth and have been shocked by how much (nearly all) of the baby care has been left to them.

The thing is if you want to do it by yourself you can and you don't need a partner. However a support network is crucial. My birth partners were both very busy women and in hindsight I wish i'd hired a doula to be there throughout the labour. Although your ex has said he will be there for the baby mine has not. I think that is probably the bit that has hurt the most. Good Luck xx

Yama Sat 17-Mar-12 23:56:24

I don't want to go into details (pm me if you want to know more) but I had my first dc on my own. Very empowering.

Hand on heart - that first year of dc1's life was probably my happiest.

I'm happily married now so I'm not looking back with rose tinted glasses.

Solo Sun 18-Mar-12 13:30:22

Happened to me too sad Ds is now 13.7.

BurningBright Tue 20-Mar-12 17:08:10

Hi froggy. Congratulations on your pregnancy, although also so sorry to hear you're going through this.

I could have written your post. The circumstances are virtually identical to what happened to me. XP walked out when I was four months pregnant with a baby we had most definitely planned together. He claimed that he didn't want a baby after all and told me to have an abortion. It actually turned out that he was involved with someone else, although I didn't find that out until quite a lot later.

At the time, I was devastated. I couldn't believe what was happening. I had no idea how I would cope.

In hindsight, I'm so glad that he left. He did me a favour

I have a beautiful daughter who is now five. She and I are incredibly close and I treasure the knowledge of what I have achieved in raising her so far alone. I'm immensely proud of her and what an amazing little person she is. I love the fact that her role model is a mother who is independent, capable and confident.

Wittsend13 Tue 20-Mar-12 20:09:45

Pretty much what burning bright said. I too didn't think I could cope or that anyone would ever want me as I thought I was now damaged goods.

I've coped, sorted myself out by getting back to work and now I'm just dealing with the weight gain. Life is great and I'm glad he left (although decided to try and take me to court and lost!)

I love ds more than anything and we're so much better off without an abusive partner/dad.

girliefriend Tue 20-Mar-12 20:13:34

Hi I went through pregnancy and have so far raised my 6yo dd alone. It can be done!!!

There are definate plusses, me and my dd are very close and I am incredibly proud of her and can feel proud of myself as she is beautiful, clever and funny just like her mother haha!!!

I would advise you to try and sort out finances now, check out tax credits and other benefits so that you can get the ball rolling and once your baby is born just need to put a phone call in to start getting your money.

Are your family supportive? You will need support from someone especially early on and its a good idea to start thinking about this now. Look into NCT and maybe Gingerbread as a means to meet other single mums and for support.

What is your housing situation? You can apply for social housing if you need to.

Congratulations smile

Mama1980 Wed 21-Mar-12 17:56:41

Yep he literally left the country not to be seen or heard from again. I am so sorry this has happened to you. But I did it my ds is gorgeous and healthy, I am so proud of him. The last few years have been the happiest of my life to be fully independent to choose for my son and myself is very empowering. I am advancing to phd level in my career and yes juggling at times is hard but it's worth it I promise.

bochead Fri 23-Mar-12 21:53:25

YUP - 7 months and just about to go on maternity leave. Twas a tough time emotionally I can't lie about that, made even harder by only having weeks to make all the practical adjustments that come when a long relationship breaks down.

Best advice I got was that as an adult you can only be responsible for your OWN behavior so wishing the ex would change his mind etc is a complete non-starter.

Concentrate on sorting the practical stuff for both before & after the birth.

Housing, any loose ends like joint accounts. Work. Look now at childcare options so you aren't left panicking later on. Transport - did the barsteward take the car?

Build a support network, both pyhsical like friends who have already done the pfb stage and mental. I got a lot of confidence re coping alone by means of doing a first aid for babies course, it meant I KNEWI had the skills to know what to do in the worst kind of middle of the night alone with a newborn emergency. For me that baby first aid course gave me the mental strength to cope the ex had sapped out of me by leaving.

Sort out an online grocery store you like - they all vary from area to area so Tescos might be the bees knees in your locale while elsewhere it might be terrible. Get a slow cooker - eating properly is harder when you are by yourself with a baby that cries everytime you pick up a fork. My slow cooker was a godsend. Get into a routine now of the crappy day to day stuff that adds stress so automate any bills you haven't already, online shopping.

Locate your nearest children's centre - these places are meccas of all sorts of knowlede that will be handy from local cleaners to Mum & tot groups.

You have the luxury of time that I didn't so you don't have to dive into it all at once. Let the ex play silly buggers all he like while you concentrate the part of parenting you can take ownership of and focus on being the best Mum you can. I found once my son arrived I was a/ too besotted by my child & b/ too darn busy to mourn the loss of the ex.

Nearly 8 years on, life with my child is as good as it gets I reckon. I feel sorry for the ex nowadays.

firstfroggy Wed 28-Mar-12 20:58:48

Wow! Thank you all for sharing your positive stories - you're all so amazing. When this happened I thought I was the only one - particularly the bit where we planned it - but this story is turning out to be all too familiar to others too.
Thank you so much for your positive vibes and amazing advice. I will read and re-read and keep it all in mind.

slowginny Fri 30-Mar-12 22:38:25

Happened to me but continuing with the pregnancy was the best thing I could have done. I now have a one year old (one tomorrow!) and she is amazing. She is absolutely the best thing I have ever done, she is beautiful, so clever and I am more in love with her every day I spend with her. The best thing? She is my greatest achievement and we love one another unconditionally (well I can't speak for her but I think she does).

From a practical POV (if you were looking for advice), if you can surround yourself with loving friends, it will help. Don't be afraid to say you're on your own, especially to medical professionals, they are rarely judgemental (as I thought they would be, actually they were fantastic). Consider maybe networking with other single parents through Gingerbread, they are brilliant and full of positive role models.

You're not alone xx

thefroggy Sat 31-Mar-12 02:52:34

Hi froggy...(this could get confusing! grin). My ex did a runner when I was 12 weeks, it was bloody awful but I surprised myself. I actually coped much better than I thought I would. I joined this site (well don't I just sound like a brown noser) but it is true that the advice i've had here over the years has made a huge difference.

I'd like to say we had a happy ending but i'd be lying. He changed his number, told his family I was a nutcase to cover his own lies (so they wanted nothing to do with us) and had no contact with us until dd was nearly five. Then he decided he wanted to be her dad, fucked us around with contact and broke her heart, she knew him for 6 months. I wasn't prepared to give him any more chances.

So now we have nothing to do with him, and we're just fine as we are. I can't imagine life being any different with regard to the situation with him. It's stressful at times, but then being a lone parent is...being any kind of parent is!

There's only one moment I remember being truly terrified which was when we got back from hospital after her birth. I put her on the sofa in her car seat and thought "oh fuck, what do I do now?". Ridiculous really as I wasn't a first time mum but i'll always remember that fleeting moment of panic.

Eight years on and it doesn't seem so bad at all! You will be fine, i'm a nervous gibbering wreck...if I can deal with it you certainly can. PM me any time if you need an ear, I dont have answers but i'm a good listener smile

eternalscot Sat 31-Mar-12 20:44:30

Yes it happened to me at 30 years old. Baby was planned and after telling Everyone and planing a wedding (my ex was very attention seeking sort) dumped me! I was in shock and he continued to hurt me all through my pregnancy I spent most of it crying.

Then I had my son went back to work and have got on with my life. Still the hurt is still there 5 years on, still cry. I haven't seen my ex , since my son was a baby, he has never sent a birthday or Xmas card to his son.

I felt so inadequate and rejected during pregnancy, looking back I was an extremely good catch for a self impotant waster like him but I suspect that was the problem, I should of looked for someone with good morales and similar qualities, it was immaturity that lead me to the wrong man, feeling I could look after and care for him. I have since remained single not even a date, don't trust myself and don't want to pick up with another man who might hurt me or DS.

My son 5 asked about his Dad today and asked as a pregnant woman walked by "did he leave when you had a big tummy?". I said "yes". He was horrified and said "well mum you had no one then but you have me now!" and that's so true! Look after yourself and try not to get too upset, some men are very weak, your priority is your son and not a man who does not support you at the time a woman really needs it!

I hope my ex realises the error of his ways but these men only blame other people and never accept responsibility.

nozuko Sat 09-Jan-16 11:34:13

Im pregnant and my babydaddy left without saying goodbye. I was there for him through all tough times coz i really loved him.
Months back he was happy infact he told me that his suspecting that Im pregnant, I then waited for my period and well I did go but got sick later took test and it turned out positive. He was soo happy as its our first baby. And he told me that his dream finally came true.
2 years back he lost his mother and i was therr for him every step of the way then lost his job last year i was there, didnt leave him cos he was broke and all. He only got his moneyprovident fund and all) last montg and went drinking with friends. I got sick and he wasnt there, Im a student and well funancially right now im not stable. When i crave for pizza or whatever i dont get, iv even got use to noy having what i crave for. He came arond not so long ago and he passed me in the streets well it hurts cos 8m trying not to stress but its so difficult i dont understand how my brst friend left me just like that, we didnt fight all was well.
If i didnt have a supportive mother I dont know where Id be. Its really not fair

charlybear7 Sat 09-Jan-16 18:09:47

This happened to me too! I was 7 months pregnant and my ex wanted a trial separation as in have his cake and eat it! No chance I'm no door mat!

Our baby was a very much wanted 2nd baby to complete our family and overnight he didn't want that! He's been useless since he's left and caused me grief. But my baby is now 7 months and my eldest 5 yrs old and we're very happy.

I have never found out why he left but it's obvious it was for another woman. No man gives up everything overnight like he did!

It shocks me how many men I've heard of who have done this. It horrifies me. Children are little miracles and any father who walks away before they're even born don't know how lucky they are!

Stay strong X

Trifle66 Sun 10-Jan-16 13:49:07

My husband left me three weeks before I had my DD that was 18 yrs ago. You will get through it and it will be a distant memory.
The hardest part was dealing with the heart ache at the same time as dealing with giving birth and all that entails. I got some counselling at the time and moved back in with my parents until my DD was 3 months old. ask for and accept as much help as you can. Good luck 💐

MeliMommy Fri 08-Apr-16 23:39:50

Froggy,

I know this is an old thread...I was googling being left while pregnant and this came up. I'm going through the same thing. I'm 36 weeks today. He left me 2 weeks ago and of course my heart is breaking. I'm wondering if you have any updates to your situation or how you handled it all.

Thank you so much.

PrancingQueen Sun 10-Apr-16 01:13:19

Hi Meli
Why don't you start your own thread? Maybe in Relationships if you need a bit more traffic.
Sorry you're going through this - it's shit, I've been there too, but I promise you it gets better.
flowers

Isabellawen Tue 06-Sep-16 09:53:14

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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