Has my xdh totally lost the plot? - (sorry long)

[loulounz]

I?ve moved out of the family home and closer to family for support. Due to the harrassment and bullying I have had to endure from him I decided not to tell him where I live.

He has contact with the dd?s (3 and 1) every other wknd.

Cutting long story short:- received sols letter TELLING me he would collect the dd?s from MY address. Didn?t think anything of this as thought he didn?t know it?! I did not agree to him doing so either! So kept arrangements as before.

He turned up for his contact and started on me immediately (in front of the children). He was very threatening, swearing and shouting at me while I was handing over the dd?s to him. The eldest got very upset so I took her back inside to calm her down and went back out to get my other dd. He refused to let me have her and drove off with her.

Police were called. He also called the police, giving his version of events and saying he wasn?t bringing her back until his contact time was over!

He was late back! I asked a member of my family to take my dd off him because I didn?t want to endure any more verbal abuse and thought it might be best. He flatly refused to hand her over saying he would only give her to me and drove off with her again!

Police were called again. He told them he wouldn?t hand her over to anyone but me ? I asked the Police to bring her to me because of the incident.

The Police then informed me he knew where I lived as he had ?followed me home after one of his contact visits!!?

I?m at my wits end ? I don?t want him anywhere near me but know an injunction would make the situation worse.

My dd?s have had problems sleeping etc ever since he left and I have worked really hard to try and stabilise these problems and now all that has gone out of the window because they witnessed his unacceptable behaviour again! My eldest dd now clings to me everytime I take her into school and doesn?t want to be left, she also screamed at full volume and got extremely upset when I left her with family she normally adores for 2 minutes to post a letter!

I?ve received another letter from his sol TELLING me he now wants to meet me in a car park so there are witnesses?!!!!! No way will I meet him on my own ? even in public!

He is turning so nasty and I hate it ? He left me, so WHY is he doing this? This isn?t about contact with his dd?s it?s about being as spiteful as he can to me ? I haven?t done anything to him except move away (he wanted me out of the house and is now living in it himself!) and trying to get on with my life.

Do they get fed up of being so hateful to you? I can?t bear the thought of this going on for the next sixteen years or so?!

Any advice please on the situation ? he?s taking me to Court to get more access? Is this recent event likely to go against him? I really hate the fact that it?s my word against his (or vice versa) ? I just want to be left alone, for him to have his contact and then to go away till next time. The dd?s are suffering because of this and that?s not fair ? I?m only trying to do what?s best for them but he says I?m just being a bitch stopping him from having a relationship with them??!! and calls me a f?cking liar etc!!! I?ve never stopped him from seeing them ? I?ve just stopped him from messing me around with contact and tried to establish a routine for them! Why does he have to twist everything to suit himself?

Thought about a contact centre but this will reduce his hours with them ? don?t think I have any alternative though?! Any suggestions please? Should I really be bothered about him after his latest outburst ? it?s the dd?s I have to put first isn?t it!!

[Caligula]

Loulounz, are you in new zealand? (I just ask because of the nz at the end of your name.) If not, can you call the One Parent Families helpline? They'll give you expert advice on what to do about this. I would also call the Women's Aid helpline. Both have websites.

If you're in NZ, I presume there are equivalent organisations you could phone?

[hoolagirl]

God what a pr*ck !
I'm afraid that i don't really have any useful advice, but i presume you have kept a note of all these incidents, do you have your own solicitor?
I would seriously think about getting an injunction out on him and using a contact centre (personally i would tell him to feck off with regards to any contact when he's acting like this).
Can you take someone along with you next time you hand over the dd's who could be a witness to this behaviour?
So sorry for you

[loulounz]

Thanks caligula - I'll get more info from the places you suggested. No i'm not in NZ - wish I was although that would still be too close to the a-hole!

Hoolagirl - my family were witness to his behaviour but again they are not independant witnesses - his word against mine and all that! They are the only people I know who could accompany me as I am new to the area and he has twisted things saying they were threatening and abusive to him and will not allow them to be with me (translated means he wants me alone and vulnerable so he can attack me further!) and yes I agree he is a total Pr"ck!

[Caligula]

oneparentfamilies

women's aid helpline Don't worry that he isn't beating you up - as far as they're concerned, his abusive behaviour is domestic violence and they may be able to give you some advice on how to handle his demand for more contact.

[WideWebWitch]

OPoor you, this is awful. I would go down the contact centre route just so a) there is someone there to witness his behaviour and b) it's not anywhere near your house. God, some men so don't deserve to see their children, why can he not see that hurting you IS hurting them? Bastard. And you're not alone, bet there are mumsnetters in your ares if you need some mum friends.

[Loobie]

Definately go for the contcat centre thing for contact,and dont worry bout the injunction causing him to go off more at the end of the day its the girls that matter and they need to be protected from this asshole of a man!!I had similiar with my ex and eventually stopped his access to the kids he threatened all sorts but nothing came about and he hasnt seen the kids since early june ;ast year-the result -extremely happy and settled kids.gotts get the crew out to school and nursery so will post more later,or you can contact me on [email protected],the spare email addy cause i cant put my main one on here,he knos i use the site and has been banned off my email for harassment!!nice hey!!

[edam]

Get yourself a solicitor and phone Women's Aid asap. You all need to be protected from this pathetic excuse for a man.

[Lasvegas]

Lou

You asked do they get fed up being hateful? In my case yes XH got fed up relatively soon. I ignored his solicitors request for a contact centre and 2 years on have not heard from him. During first 6 months of DD life he threatened me and DD verbally and often threatened to kidnap DD and take her to live with him (even tho she was BF)! Obviously all about getting at me not access with DD. It ws his choice to leave me yet he was for some reason he was very angry at me. As far as know he doesn't have my address. I really believe ignoring him totally led to him giving up and leaving me alone. People like my X and possibly yours see contact as an ongoing battle to assert their will. My refusing to enter into any discussion with him about anything at all really helped me.


I so hope your DD feels reassured soon.

[Surfermum]

I'm sorry this is going on, it sounds awful for you. I can sympathise as dh had similar behaviour from his x whenever he used to go to collect his dd. Sometimes she and/or her then partner would just start on dh the minute he stepped out of the car. They used to meet in a car park, and at one stage the Court ordered the police station after dh's x's partner assaulted dh. She refused to accept that it wasn't good for dsd and dh felt totally helpless. It was awful. Dh used to keep conversation to a minimum and if she started never responded and would just walk away. I can remember thinking, like you, "when is this ever going to stop".

Is there anyone that could take the children to handovers for you so that the two of you don't have to meet? It might be worth investigating a contact centre. I'm not sure, but I think they can be used as handover points, he doesn't necessarily have to stay there to see the children but it's somewhere they could be safetly handed over without the two of you having to see each other. Do you have a solicitor yourself as they would be able to advise?

I can say though that although it was like this for a while, things did settle and dh started to collect dsd from the house. He's even allowed to pop in for a wee now! They can stand on the doorstep and have a sensible conversation and even a laugh sometimes about things dsd has said or done. I never in a million years thought it would ever be like that. I'm sure the Court Order helped as there were no more arguments about whether or when dh was going to see his dd. Time helped too and I think she might have realised that it really was all about dh seeing his little girl and not about him "getting at her" as she told the Court, as he never missed a contact or phone call.

[KathrynWales]

Some ideas which I hope may help...

record the meetings/pick ups....camcorder/tape recorder etc. can be done discreetly and is corroborative evidence.

arrange womens aid rep or similar neutral person (social worker, counseller etc) to be present during meetings/pick ups

Womens Aid safe house in the interim, or if not that, definitely worth a chat on legal/social options open to you


You ALSO have the right to go to court to review (and curtail) access arrangements. It is not just his prerogative. This review can include the provision for someone else you choose to represent you during pick up times. Contact can also be ordered at a specific location - which can be a social services property- and does not have to be at your residence if this is unsatisfactory to you.


You are not duty bound to meet him when he says and where he says. If the court has stipulated the terms of your existing contact order then it can only be changed by the court once again.

If you have concerns re emotional / physical well being of children then contact social services. They are not the enemy in this respect and have people trained to talk to children to establish whether any trauma associated with his visits. This would then be admissable in court.

Record any phone calls using speaker phone facility(if you dont have it, get it, along with caller display)

Log all calls & unscheduled visits together with detail of abusive tone/content and behaviour.

I dont accept that an injunction would make it worse. How could it be worse? An injunction will prevent him coming near your home, or similar geographical area, and you can then phone police without needing to answer the door or speak to him at all if he breaks the conditions.
If you have an injunction, then you are arming the police with the POWER to act. Otherwise, it is regarded as a 'domestic' incident, and they will largely just stand back and ensure public order is maintained. To gain the injunction, first liaise with womens aid to have someone assist you and support you through the process.

Good luck x

[loulounz]

Thanks for all your advice.

I try to have as little to do with him as possible - ie we do not speak, I just hand over the dd's to avoid confrontation - if I speak to him he argues with me and now if I dont he argues with me - so that obviously no longer works!

My sol suggested we dont take out an injunction yet so as to diffuse the situation?!! Do I listen to her advice or do I just go ahead?

I have been writing everything down but hadn't thought it would resort to this that I would need to actually video him etc! I will NOT under any circumstances meet this man on my own again - I flatly refuse to put myself and the children in such a vulnerable position - so he will have to put up with the restrictions of a Contact Centre until I feel the time is okay for him to take them unsupervised again.

He has had the cheek to send me an e-mail saying that he hadn't thought it would end up like this and that he thought I could at least speak to him after all he has done for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and that he only puts the dd's first?????????!!!!

...............

He says he isnt willing to discuss the latest events as our stories differ!!!

I'm sorry but I refuse to fall for all his niceties because he does this to me over and over - one minute nice and then he explodes when he doesn't get his own way!

I'm going to stop now because I need to calm down I'm getting myself very wound up - he just can't see what HE has done wrong!!! W"nker!

[ggglimpopo]

Message withdrawn

[KathrynWales]

I agree, ggglimpopo. Injunction offers protection and would also be considered in any future contact order court hearing. (see below)
Good luck,loulounz. xx

[Chocol8]

I am going through a similar thing at the mo Loulounzo and definitely agree with the others who say to log calls, texts, what was said etc as this can only help if it goes to court. Use a diary which is not a ring bound one.

Personally I would use a contact centre in your position as I can see why you do not want to see this piece of garbage.

I've been putting up with this for over 6 years now on and off and it just seems to get worse not better. When I write polite letters to him he responds in an ever increasing rude way. I'm sure he's on something.

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this, I know I was so stressed since just before Christmas when the latest abusive behaviour started. Now my pc's broken at home (on my sister's) it means that I don't keep running in and out of the kitchen for his latest response - which means I do not get so stressed as I can't see it. I am doing as Lasvegas did and just not bothering to enter into any more discussions.

I have enough to deal with as ds cannot understand why he isn't seeing his "dad" every weekend, he cries and I have to tell him that dad is working away or poorly etc.

I just wish the b**rd could see what he is doing to his ds, but to be honest, he only gets off on seeing me stressed and it's become obvious that he doesn't care for his ds at all.

Thinking of you and just wanted to say that although it is easier said than done, if he gets you stressed, he's winning - don't let him hun.

[loulounz]

Thanks for your support everyone.

To be honest - I still feel like a weak pathetic woman! I am getting stronger by the day but I've still got a long way to go!

My sol found out about the contact centre and its only open a few hours so he gets to spend less time with the dd's. One minute I think Tuf Sh't, he's only got himself to blame and the next I think - more abuse to come as he'll go mad! I just wish I could be a lot stronger and think F'ck the bloke!

I didn't want to stop contact either, unless my dd's react badly to him on their next visit, because I don't want to come across as the awkward one????!!! What's wrong with me?! I am so scared that when it goes to Court it'll just be a case of his word against mine and that he'll be awarded more access because of 'his rights' as a father and that what I say about the children will just be taken as a fight to stop him having contact (like he says, and that they too will just see me as a liar?! - which I am honestly not.) It must be hard for a Judge to decide who is telling the truth as there as so many dishonest people on both sides who just want revenge?

I just wish this whole mess was over with and then I can start getting on with my life properly!

[AggiePanther]

Which is why you need to start logging calls, keeping texts , getting witnesses etc ... gather as much evidence as you can - you may not need it,but if you do you'll be very glad of it.
Best of luck - I understand something of what you're going through xx