unreliable dads! Help

[cinderelly]

Can anyone give me advice on how to handle dd 'dad'. We split up about 6 weeks ago after a 4 year on/off relationship. He didnt make any effort to contact me about our 2 yr DD and I have learnt the hard way not to fall for this.

After about a week we bumped into him as we were getting off the bus. (he only lives in the next street!) DD who hadnt seemed to notice that he wasnt around up to this point, went hysterical and wanted to go with him. We arranged for him to pick her up the following day and since then he has taken her to his mums 3 times a week for a couple of hours.

Everything was ok for 2/3 weeks then I noticed that when DD came home she was always very withdrawn, didnt want to speak to anyone and just wanted to watch scooby doo in her room. I asked ex what she was like with him as it was v. out of character but he just dismissed it. Since then he has cancelled more and more often with pathetic excuses that I knew where lies.At first I just accepted it and rearranged for the following day just for the sake of a quiet life, and so DD could see him.

Anyway he done it again yesterday saying that he had to go and see someone about a job. He's not working at the moment and said he 'might' have to go and see someone about a job at 6 oclock, which suprise suprise coincided with the time he was picking up DD. I didnt believe this but just accepted it and phoned him back at 6.30 to see if he had got job{wink}. He was in the pub! Am not impressed! I dont understand why he cant go to the pub at 7.30 when shes come home. I know this sounds really petty compared to some of the problems Ive read tonight, but Im wondering do I really want to send my DD to someone who really cant be arsed with her, and would rather be in the pub! So I suggested just visits at the weekend coz it was obviously a burden 3 hours a week. But he flipped! I cant win!

I also havent had any money off him but let that go simply because if I hadnt told my Dad what had been going on between us he wouldnt have been sacked. (another story) But am thinking now that Im just setting myself up for a fall. He is coming and going as he pleases out of our DD's life and not supporting her in any way. He obviously got money coz he got new phone and new car and enough spare to go the pub! Ive got enough money to support DD by myself, but I literally mean 'enough'. I have no life outside work and can just about afford to buy 10 fags 4 self. I think the main reason why I havent made a stink about it is, I dont want to give him the satisfaction of knowing I need his support. (thats where Ive gone wrong in the past). But then again am I being fair to DD? She deserves a Dad who will support her and actually turn up when he's suppossed to.

The only good thing about this is DD hasnt noticed she hasnt seen him for a week. But she's only 2! What about when she's older? If I dont put my foot down now he not gonna change.

I know Im not the only one with an arsehole for an ex, so can anyone point me in the right direction. Right now I feel like just cutting him off completely!

[Norash]

Hi cinderellyhere is a recent thread that might help.

[ediemay]

Hi cinderelly, is there any way you could move a bit further away so he has to make an effort and tell you in advance? I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.

[cinderelly]

I couldnt afford to move away at the moment even if I wanted to. I love my house though and its took me 3 years to get it nice. Plus my mum lives in the same street which is nice coz it keeps us all close and makes up for the lack of support I get from him.

[cinderelly]

Thanks for the thread norash, helped alot!

[cinderelly]

Back again! I not heard anything again from darling x. Am determined not to phone him to see if he wants to see DD. Am I doing the right thing? Feel v. sad today that he not even bothered! b@stard!

[tammybear]

hi cinderelly, havent read the whole of your post so sorry if i miss bits out or whatever. my dd is 3 in december. ex has only made most effort the past couple of months i suppose. hes an ass and id love to cut him off completely but i cant do that to dd.

dont chase him. its up to him to see dd. but you need to set something constant if that makes sense. as in agree how regularly he will see her and tell him he has to keep to it. when he gets a job, talk about maintenance, he has a duty to make sure dd is fine. sorry if ive gone over stuff that people have said already and that i dont really make any sense, but a bit rushed to get this all down! lol. hope things pick up for you hun

[cinderelly]

thats what Ive been doing so far, but he never sticks to anything! Am at wits end with him. Have been in this same situation with him so many times. I went to see a solicitor about it when she was a tiny baby and couldnt believe that only Dads can take mums to court if they are refusing contact. Apparently if he cant be arsed with her there isnt a thing I can do except send a sol. letter 'asking him' if he wants to see her??? Fucking hate this country sometimes!

[cinderelly]

is it coz Im waffling that no-one has replied?

Condensed version is as follows:

Want DD to have relationship with her Dad (even though he is arsehole) but he taking the pi$$ and turning up as and when he wants. What do I do??

[aloha]

Don't blame you for wanting to cut him out completely. He sounds worse than useless. Are you on benefits? If not, go after him re money. It's outragous that some men just walk away. Cannot understand it.

[aloha]

You can't force him to see your dd though and if it unsettles her, maybe it's best she doesn't?

[Caligula]

cinderelly, you can't force him to have a relationship with his DD.

But you can change your response to your fury and disbelief that he's not making an effort to have a relationship with her. It's quite true that absent parents can take resident parents to court for blocking contact, but resident parents aren't allowed to take absent parents to court for not maintaining contact. I would so love to see that changed -'d have my ex in court before you could say irresponsible feckless deadbeat self-obsessed saddo.

I agree with tammy, that if he is going to see her at all, then it has to be regularly. I actually don't think it really matters whether it's once a year or once a day - what matters is the consistency and regularity, which means that you can manage your child's expectations and she can have a relationship with her father which doesn't consist of her being reliably let down by him.

If he won't play ball, persecute him with letters. They don't have to be from solicitors - they can be well-written articulate ones from you. Try and persuade him to agree to a regular contact schedule as this is in his DD's interests. Then write him a letter confirming that this is what you have agreed, and keep a copy of it.

If he lets her down more than once, write another letter pointing it out. Keep another copy.

Every single time he lets her down or changes the arrangement, keep a written record of it. Then if a couple of years down the line, it becomes obvious that he is not interested in building and maintaining a proper relationship with his child, you will have evidence which you can use in court to demonstrate that, if it comes to it. Unfortunately, the evidence will probably be ignored, but who knows - courts may change in the future, and they might actually start taking the behaviour of the non-resident parent into account when deciding contact arrangements.

Main thing is not to eat yourself up over his awful behaviour - recognise that you can't control it and concentrate on your own parenting.

[cinderelly]

am not as bothered about the money as I can cope just about. Just feel so sad that he cant be bothered with her. I know he'll phone eventually but what do I do then? Give in and let her go or play him at his own game? Just not fair on DD all this!

[cinderelly]

I know your right caligula, thats what I need to do. He's been like this for years and I should be used to it. Just makes me so sad coz she is great

[tammybear]

sorry, i went to bed. my ex is an ass, and id rather cut him out altogether. she's 3 in december and we're still playing the same stupid games that we were when she was a baby. we've finally managed to get it to every 3 weeks he sees her, but he decided about 2 weeks ago he was gonna take these next 2 weeks off work and wanted to come down for a couple of days to see dd. he only decides to make it the 2 days shes at nursery and then one of the days he wants to go watch the football as theyre playing at home!! grrr.

Caligula's always good for advice, shes helped me a lot with my ex so id listen to her advice

[tammybear]

ooo and i forgot to say i know how frustrating it is. i always say to my ex he is missing the most amazing little person grow up just cos hes too damn lazy to make an effort to see her.

[Caligula]

Well of course, football is so much more important than contact visits.

Except if a contact visit means getting one over on the ex of course.

[cinderelly]

I know what you mean about the frustration. I would literally go mental if I didnt see her for a day. How he stays away for so long, Ill never understand. Sad really that he misses out on that type of love I feel for her.

Anyway, its not all bad news. The excuse for not seeing her this week is.... he was jumped by 6 men and didnt want baby to see his face. He's scraping the bottom of the barrel now! Dont believe if for a minute, coz my prayers are never answered.

Your dd same age as mine tb. Do you think it affects her?

[Caligula]

Jumped by 6 men?

Not very competent, were they, if he's still around to tell the tale?

I expect next time, he'll be abducted by aliens. Wonder if they'll do an anal probe on him?

[nikkie]

My ex didn't come to see my dd2 on her b'day as he went to watch football,THEN moaned thta we were really busy all weekend(party, visitors etc) things he'd known aboyut for ages

Have you found out why shes withdrawn?
My 2 don't always notice (5&4) and its not a bad thing as it means that at least they are not disappointed

[cinderelly]

ha! I think he would probably enjoy the anal probe. And I was wondering how he actually managed to count to 6. Never shown such brightness before.

Havent found out why she was so quiet, dont want to draw attention to it again really. She's not seen him since and she' back to her normal self..til next time.

Have calmed down alot since last posting, and think 3 times a week is too much anyway, but that was his suggestion not mine. Gonna suggest just Sundays again and see what happens.

[tammybear]

lol Caligula

my dd does talk about her daddy a lot. she doesnt so much ask where he is, its more like shes pretending to call him on the phone. little things like that.

well now by the looks of it, my ex isnt coming at all. good for me, bad for dd. good job i didnt say anything to her

[cinderelly]

nope, no sign of mine either. DD not even mentioned him, so neither have I. Just wish it would stay like this.