Have you ever refused visitors ?(83 Posts)
DH's bloody mother again !
Was meant to stay 20 weeks to help us settle in and help keep our child care costs down whilst we bought furniture shipped stuff across etc. After 10 weeks she'd had enough of the heat, arguing with the children and with a weeks notice to find alternative childcare buggered off home.
So now her rose tinted spec's are on and she wants to come back over for four weeks in the winter to avoid the heat but seems to have forgotten that we still don't live in a 5 bedroomed detached with a separate granny suite for her. Her pension still won't buy her very much food and there isn't a marks and spencers.
I'm not putting this in AIBU becauise I appreciate her only son is living on the other side of the world but I will dread this for months in the lead up and I don't want her here unless she books into some sort of hotel.
Has anybody said no and did it end badly ?
I will probably say no if my mother wants to come again she drove me mad last time. It will probably mean we don't speak any more, but I could live with that. What does your DH feel about her coming?
He is not comfortable with saying she can't come but FFS we all breathed a sigh of relief when she left, I don't know why he would think it's a good idea.
Erm, isn't this the same woman you were moaning about because she wanted to stay in the UK for the sake of her pension and not move over permanently?! And you thought this was unacceptable as you had chosen to move and she was supposed to be moving with you?
No, we've never turned away visitors. I'm not sure why the cost of food and her pension is a concern though - surely if she's staying with you, you feed and house her? She's a guest.
I appreciate your issues - my mother drives me mental. But I still wouldn't tell her she couldn't come. They are currently planning a summer trip... <sigh>
Op already, apparently, spends $500 - $750 a week on food, so I'm not sure she will assess the cost of a guest in an ordinary manner.
Well we can't feed and house her, that's the bottom line, yes we did want her to come and stay with us and help out with the kids but she landed us in the shit in that department. I wouldn't even mind if she'd enjoyed the 10 weeks with us, she had a face like a slapped arse the whole time.
A guest for dinner I can cope with, a guest for a month I'll be honest with 4 kids, a puppy, both working full time might actually push me over the edge.
A month is a very long time. Plus it's expensive to feed someone else for that long.
Tell he she can come for two weeks. And also remind her that your house is small. You're just reminding her. It's not a crime.
She won't come over to Australia for 2 weeks. As it is she would be tagging us onto the end of a tour of NZ that she wants to do.
She likes to do her own shopping due to all her allegies and that's fair enough but she actually lost a stone over 10 weeks last time
which did her no harm and we never heard the end of it.
I once merely suggested my MIL not visit at exactly the time she asked to come and she was angry for months! It was very tense and I wouldn't say do it again. No doubt I was being a bit precious (first baby due when MIL wanted to come, I wanted lavender-scented candle home birth and privacy and didn't much fancy the MIL I'd met once bearing witness to it all) and it wasn't worth it. She came in a foul mood at exactly the time she wanted to come and we sat miserably in each others' company waiting for the baby to arrive. Baby ended up arriving two weeks late, MIL had left by then so missed seeing the baby and I had an emergency cesearean, so crap all round (except for the baby, of course!). My advice - if you say no, be prepared for the fallout.
Okay well she comes to Australia for a month. But can she not plan trips so that she's only actually with you for a fortnight?
She can incorporate her NZ trip in that month?
If she nags you over and over, you will have to get tough and say, "I said no now just leave it please." and if she gets in a strop, let her.
I don't think I would be keen to have my parents ever again. They left not long agao and it was all a bloody horrible nightmare. I saw them in a completely new light and to be honest I didnt like what I saw. I was expected to be greatful that they came. It wont be happening again. I don't know what I will say or do but I will not be welcoming them back.
You are not the first person to say that ilovepasties another friends parents came over for a month were in holiday mode the whole time, wanted to get pissed every night and then sleep half the day. Only bought 1000 pounds spends for the entire month, i don't know which is worse that or MIL looking at me with pleading eyes asking what are we doing today, it's bloody Perth you "did it" all last time you were here.
She wants to do a month tour of NZ and then come here for a month to make it worthwhile. I'd be happy to catch her for a weekend in NZ but apparently saga tours don't allow in that.
Not refused, no. But been clear what arrangements work or don't work for us. Prob here is that DH always says yes without thinking. Then I look like a cow when I come in with a bit of realism.
But your kids will just be in their normal child care routine, and whoever looks after the puppy (doggy day care? Dog walker?) will be doing that, so maybe mil will enjoy a nice quiet time and put the dinner on for you when you both get in... Might be a lot more chilled now you are all settled in your routines?
We have three kids, two Labradors, and a 2 bed condo. the kids sleep on the floor when we need a guest bed. It's a bit of a pita when we have visitors, but we know it isn't forever, and I do want them to build a relationship with relatives, even if they see them infrequently.
It doesn't stop me bitching, but I don't stop them coming...
Mil and fil tagged us on to the end of a world tour. It was great - we didn't feel guilty that they were travelling solely to see us, for a change. Nice to see them without having that hang up and weight of expectation.
Unless you tell her yourself what you want then this is going to be a very dull and stressful saga.
How is she supposed to know you don't want her for a month? Psychically?
Ask her what she wants to do in Perth - tell her she should research her interests before coming.
Then when she asks what you're doing that day, ask her what she found in her research. If she didn't research, reel off a few landmarks. If she says she's seen them then say, "Well this is Perth, I'm afraid. It doesn't have attractions on a rotational basis like The Magic Faraway Tree."
The children will be in the house with their nanny. There is nothing quiet about our lives from 6am to 10pm believe me.
I'm going to say no and take the risk of being cut off I think, If DH wants to see her he can spend his holiday trekking over to the UK, I suspect he won't. Or he can pop over at the end of her NZ tour, I'm sure it's not impossible.
I know what you're saying about tell her to research and then it'll be tough luck if she's bored but it'll be me that'll suffer.
I wouldn't mind but last time she did literally everything as though it would be the one and only time she'd visit Australia so I figured we were indeed done.
I guess you have to assess if you want your children to have a relationship with a willing grandparent.
Having a houseguest is tough, but if the flight home is booked you know it will come to an end.
If you're working full-time and the nanny is home, you wouldn't really have to spend that much time with her, bed early after a long day maybe for a month?
Expecting a pensioner to look after 4 children for free, in a new environment, sounds pretty tough to me ...
You thought she was done visiting Australia after her last visit? Does that mean you thought she was done visiting you lot as well then? Is she not to expect any sort of relationship beyond Skype, emails and phone calls then?
You sound like you detest her.
Get your dh to take more responsibility when she visits. Why are you lumbered? Just shrug and say, "Ask DH." Absolve yourself of responsibility.
It was tough, she only had the 2 year old all day but yes it was tough on her, it was part of the deal though, we would never have moved out here had it not been. Childcare is extremely expensive and hard to come by when you aren't permanent residents.
It's a double edged sword she is a willing grandparent providing they do everything she says otherwise she shouts at them and gets a cob on and goes home, be that 20 miles down the road or 12000 on an aeroplane.
I reckon suggest (strongly !) that she does her month in NZ and then comes to you for two weeks or ten days or whatever ( a manageable amount of time ! )
Like you said you can remind her that your house is small. Wow, food costs seem astronomical over there from what one person said ?!
It's funny you mention that WinkyWinkola, she left in October, how many times do you think she's called.
DH called her Christmas day, I sent her birthday cards and that's been it.
Wish i had - we had back-to-back visitors last xmas, just too much! Now? Noone. They all came at once and cd have chosen not to do so
but dh too bloody soft-
Set out ground rules in advance if you do agree, get them to hire a car also for all those day trips they want
She doesn't drive and does the sad face when we mention there's a bus service.
Basically how it will go is sitting around bored all day, harrasing the kids when they get home from school and some of it is good, she gets homework done and spelling tests do improve when she's around i'll grant her that, then DH gets stalked from the moment he walks in the door because she's had nobody to talk to all day - not that she talks to anyone in the UK as she hates her neighbours and lives alone - and then sits up half the night moaning aussie TV is shite, which it is tbh. Come the weekend she is desperate for entertainment and we are to be her tour guides in her mind. We need to do the washing and sleep.
It's hard work, I admire those who do this regularly with friends as well as family.
I can totally understand why you don't want mil to stay for 4 wekks, would be my worst nightmare. However, I don't get what you expect/are happy with, your dh/dcs never seeing their dm/gm again?
It does sound like she could b more flexible re new zealand.
I can't believe you expect her to buy her own food. Seems really disrespectful to me
and I cant bear my mil
I genuinely cannot afford to feed her, that is the truth.
Even if I loved and invited her, she's a fussy eater. DH and I rarely have an evening meal we can't afford it.
Wow op that sounds hard re food.
Well you said she's OK buying her own food that is suitable for her food allergies ?
So, maybe that's not such a problem ?
What do you think about a shorter stay - even a week or long weekend could work as it will be on the way back from her NZ trip ?
Hold on. You can't afford an evening meal? Holy cow.
You cannot afford visitors right now. You have too much on.
Tell her maybe next year.
Agree sounds too tough for you
It's cash flow at the moment, there's a lot coming in but there's a lot going out so it is tough, I don't mean to sound like we need food parcels we don't but equally another adult mouth to feed is absolutely out of the question.
With in laws as with other relatives, it's quite simple - you don't want them, say no. Stick to the no, don't give justifications for it.
But don't expect to be the flavour of the month for a long time. Expect them to dislike you. You can't win in both places.
My mil landed up a few weeks after my csec. She made a tough time and life harder as I did not know her (and FIL) they stayed for 3 months and it is very little tiny reason (on a long list of reasons) why I don't want another child. I had no privacy, no time alone or with the husband.
Say no, your house, your rules. But don't expect understanding of your reasons for saying no in return.
Hang on, as I said before, op has stated on more than one other thread that she spends $500 -$750 a week on groceries. Most other Australian posters say they are spending $200-$250 a week on food. It is nonsense that she can't afford to feed another mouth if she is really spending that kind of money on food.
Op didn't want to give her mil a proper bed last time she visited - wanted her to sleep on blow up matress in a shared room- and stated that she was keen to make mil's stay so unpleasant she would never come again.
I read all op's posts like this
tryingtoleave I remember the OPs other threads too.
I was similarly .
Well, it's bitten her on the bum then, hasn't it because mil is mad keen to come again!
I feel bad bringing up old posts, but I think that there are some posters who might be getting some kind of unhealthy affirmation from posting bits of nonsense or incomplete/skewed accounts of events on mn.
She didn't sleep on a blow up bed as it happens - we did - one like this
www.overstock.com/Home-Garden/Aerobed-Raised-Double-High-Queen-size-Air-Bed/7029869/product.html?cid=207675 Wouldn't have hurt her to sleep on it but as it happened she did not.
And yes we do spend a fortune on food, maybe others do things differently but we work full time and have four kids which no other posters seem to have, so we get through a lot of cereal, a lot of milk, and that's aside of three meals a day for the children.
Yup, winky, she should never have let mil have a bed. It just encourages pil to raise them off the ground.
She's not mad keen to come, she wants to visit NZ and then tag us on the end that's hardly desperate to see us it ? Anyway it's not fucking happening whilst I have a pulse.
Look, if you hate her so much - you clearly do because if it's not happening whilst you have a pulse - then fine, don't have her to stay. Simple.
What was your question again?
Although it's a bit of a shame your dcs will never know her.
At least she is not so helpless as you suggested in your first thread when you were demanding she come with you to Australia, because otherwise she would moulder alone and isolated in her home. Getting herself on a trip to NZ sounds quite energetic and able.
They do know her
And if everyone is so keen on dragging old posts up it wouldn't take long to discover why I hate her. DH doesn't, he's a forgiving soul or an idiot depending on how you look at it.
Yes it would appear she's happy enough mouldering away, good for her, lets keep it that way
They do know her, yes, but if she isn't allowed to visit whilst you still have a pulse, then they won't know her for long will they? I mean, as they grow up?
I'm not sure why you posted actually. You're not having her to stay regardless of what anyone says.
Were you looking for someone to say, "It's fine, you don't have to have her to stay?"
Well, here you are. It's fine. You don't have to have her to stay. That will bite you on the bum too though. One day.
Meanwhile, you spend over $200 a week on food and you don't have an evening meal yourself? You can eke out a baked potato on that money.
Gah, I'm a sucker.
Is a baked potato a meal ? More of a lunch or a snack I'd say. Anyway. Unless you live in Perth and have any idea of what $500 buys you do not try and imply I'm doing something wrong my dear.
Well it's certainly better than the "nothing" you said you and dh were having in the evenings, my dear.
First you hated her because she wasn't keen on emigrating with you as she would lose some of her pension, you said she wouldn't need any money as you would pay for everything and what a selfish cow she was for not wanting to be with her family. Then you hated her because she had decided to come and seemed to think she wouldn't have to pay for anything, except you had earmarked her pension to make ends meet, expected her to sleep on a blow up mattress and be free childcare and she was a selfish cow for not being happy about any of the arrangements.
I can see why you hate her, she never does anything right does she? .
Now she has the audacity to want to visit her family!!!
I'd ear marked her pension for her to cover her costs ie food, just to be clear and factual not that usually gets in the way.
$500 is a lot of money. It is at least double what other families spend.
Did your dh get the $300 000 job he was after?
Short answer. No.
I know it's double what some people spend, we have double the number of kids most people have this is not a surprise to us, children are not cheap. I am also a rubbish cook and on my knees most nights when I arrive home and am faced with four
plus DH smiling faces asking what's for dinner so we throw another shrimp(steak or chicken breast) on the barbie and I throw together an expensive ready made salad that the buggers don't eat and then they all eat the fruit that was meant to last a week. DH gets told to rack off.
You sound really pissed off with everything and everyone. Does dh pull his weight?
You're probably right. Does he, depends what you mean by pull his weight. He has a job now so that's a step forward at least. He says I worry too much, am uptight etc etc but he is just far too chilled about things, if left to him literally nothing would get done.
I have said "no" twice--once to my parents visiting us in USA and once to DH parents visiting us here in UK (from USA). Both times I had good reason. I am a grown up and I don't HAVE to do what my PIL or even my own parents want me to do. I hope I never land myself on my DC if they choose to live abroad without being specifically invited. Probably will though....
Perhaps instead of feeding your children ridiculously expensive steak and salad, get the nanny, who is presumably paid to look after all of them, to cook their meals?
Spag bol etc is far more to children's tastes and a hell of a lot cheaper. Not hard to make, either. Ffs, what's wrong with egg and chips now and again?
This will also take some of the pressure off you and you might relax a bit. You sound stressed.
It's a bit hot for spag bol, but you're not wrong, the new incoming nanny (last one fired for hitting the kids) will be cooking and cleaning.
Forgot about the heat - I have family over there, and even they are melting at the moment. They were born in Oz!
But, seriously - the kids might prefer baked spuds or even sandwiches when it's hot. Side benefit - this leaves the steak and salad for you and Dh!
It's impossible to determine what the true story is Mosman as the "facts" as you see them change depending on what it is that you want MNers to agree with.
It always baffles me that you don't name change as each version of the "facts" are there for everyone to read.
FFS We live in the middle east and all the families I know here eat things like spag bol, pasta with sauce, sausages. Yes we have barbies and salads but really OP get a grip. Never mind the MIL do you think you are the only person who works full time with 4 kids? Get more organised at at the weekend. Batch cooking for chilli bol etc, make meatballs, curry. Please tell me that GBP300 a week is really the top end of your spending and not every week. And if they dont like preprepared salad dont buy. Just get more fruit.
There are loads of lovely munsnetters who can help with menu planning, loads of lovely munsnetters who live in perth and could advise on best places to shop.
Finally dont have MIL if you dont want. Lifes too short but remember DH does have a say in this as well. But promise if she doesnt come you will get your act togther and I have no doubt it will leave you a lot less stressed.
Apologies I didnt mean to sound harsh but it does seem like you are making excuses because youve got yourself all in a bit of a tizz.
No, never. I always feel grateful for visitors, although I do have input into length of and dates of stay. All my visitors ask when would be convenient for us before booking; isn't that what all people normally do?
Ps your posts make me and !
But it really is never too hot for a cheap n cheerful veggie stir fry or curry
And tuna or egg salad is always inexpensive
You confuse me Mosman
I am not looking for anyone to agree with me, if they do they do if they don't I can live with it. All people back home want to hear is how marvelous it is here so I use you lot for a good moan .
I am simply amazed anyone would eat spag bol in 40 degree's in fact I think you'd have to be a bit mental and we feed the kids the good stuff no matter what, they come first.
We are disorganized right i have a wok and a saucepan, i'm sure it'll get better, bloody better.
'the good stuff' doesn't have to be steak though OP! Feed them the stuff they enjoy eating.
Things like curry, pasta etc were invented in hot countries.
Wrt MIL, compromise - it's not really that far from New Zealand to Oz - suggest she comes for a shorter period or that she stays with you for a shorter time and maybe travels on to Sydney or wherever for the rest of her stay.
And organise! It can be hard if you feel like you are in the middle of a whirlwind, you need to stop and centre yourself.
The new nanny will take some pressure off but you need to take stock and get some systems in place.
I am a sahm mam with two kids, but a friend of mine who is a single mother with four kids once told me that the only way she manages is to be totally organised.
Of course organisation is the key, not the easiest thing to manage when half your stuff is in transit, the other half you don't know whether it's worth unpacking as you'll be moving again in 7 months, you can't afford to replace all the stuff you had to leave behind because whilst it was too old and wasn't worth packing you do need it really.
I'm not thick just finding it all a bit hard and don't need the added pressure of the miserable old goat's impending visit hanging over me like a cloud of doom.
Anyway thank you for the wise words, it's not happen have told DH if he wants guests he can show them where the local hotel is. I shall be unavailable.
Mosman, for what it's worth I found it all too hard when we first relocated - too hot to cook, no idea where to buy things at a reasonable price so ended up buying prepared things or things I knew from home but at grossly inflated prices, none of the useful kitchen items or enough freezer space in the serviced apartment for batch cooking. It does get easier, though. Good luck.
Does nobody else find it strange no contact no updates, news, no phone calls, letters, cards nothing but by the way I'm coming over for a month. I find it odd. I do.
I don't understand all the history with the MIL, but could MNers in the food and drink section help you out with some ways of cutting those food bills?
I can see that 6 steaks plus ready made salad is expensive and would quickly rack up bills.
I have a theory about the 'no contact' then a visit. It's as though when you move/leave, it becomes your job to keep up the contact. You're the ones who left/abandoned them, so it is your duty to drive the communication and keep the relationship going. . It happened with my family and inlaws when I first went abroad 12 years ago and has stayed pretty much the same... It was the same with some friends, too. Not all, but there were definitely some who felt I'd abandoned or rejected them/my home/their life choices by daring to move away. Not sure if that helps but it's my theory!
You can limit her stay for any time of year by saying that you have guests for a certain period. Have a definite return date for your mother in law and again you can say that visitors are arriving then.
Talk in advance with your partner and decide what jobs you would like her to help with and what things you would prefer her to leave alone when she comes.
When with you, if she makes comments, try to smile without commenting. If you have to comment, say your friend/relative does the same thing and you prefer it that way.
Sorry, lots of cross posts.
Thank you for the kind words. I know I need to get organised and cut that food bill and it will be a priority as soon as various other things fall into place.
We are trying to get permanent residency and then I can stay home and chill, I will have to budget, the kids will have to behave and eat what they are given and we'll all live happily ever after.
That's an interesting theory and yes would make sense, the thing is what MIL forgets is that her son is bloody hopeless, she wouldn't have got a Birthday card if it wasn't for me so phoning and getting on his case about visiting will do her no good at all.
I just feel by the time the kids are juggled, work is taken there piece of me there's nothing left for the old windbag, if she was a pleasure I might be able to muster something up up but no. If I sadi DH's dad was coming the week after I wanted her to leave, she'd move the dates to give herself a clear 4 weeks, it's all or nothing with her so I shall have to be straight and say no but DH will pop down and see you or if you've got the money to go around NZ for a month then you can set some aside for a hotel.
Surely your nanny is cooking the children their evening meal if they are that young? And then essentially you get home and put them to bed? It's what we've always done with three kids (enormous apologies for not having four, btw, I hadn't realized an extra child made that much difference - it doesn't seem to when ours have a friend over) if we were working full time.
Find a nanny that makes your life easier - not sure what yours is doing if she doesn't manage to feed the kids for you?
I get that you are busy. Sure. It is busy with two of you working ft, and loads of kids, and at least one dog. But that's life. And having emigrated, well, having visitors is life too. You just have to suck it up and work out how to fit it in.
Your sudden dislike for your mil since she refused to move out there with you is colouring your view. If this was a dear friend or your own mother wanting to come and stay for a month, would you be more accommodating? None of us can choose our relatives.
But, whatever, I assumed you already had PR given your feelings about your mil's decision not to move, tbh. Hope it works out how you want. The first year is always interesting - we paid our mortgage late three times. <shrugs> We're just about organized, though. Still in a 2 bed condo with 5 of us (and the visitors ) but unless we win lotto 649 we can't afford to move.
Just tell dh you are cutting off all ties with mil because she won't do exactly as you want. Job done.
It all sounds a little peculiar. We're in the midst of organising our big move and I will be looking forward to any family visits. Sounds like you have really negative feelings toward the woman, lots of negative vibes coming from your posts full stop. Cut your cloth a little and maybe then you can afford to host her. What's ten days in the bigger scheme of things after all.
I would t describe it as a sudden dislike more of a having her thrust upon me due to suddenly having to think what are we doing with MIL normally we'd not see her from one Christmas to the next so I could dislike her without it impacting on anyone. You're right though she does either need to tow the line or do one it's no skin off my nose if she doesn't want to accommodate is it, I'm not the one with no family.
Mosman, I can't believe you spend that much on groceries! DP and I spend $150 tops for an entire week, including all our lunches for work. I used to be a nanny and often shopped for the family, including 3 children - and I would spend $300 max. You may need to review your brands etc if you're struggling and need to save money!
I know and it's things like buying pegs and coat hangers and washing up bowls every week because we have to have them but can't afford to buy it all in one go.
I will get it to about $500 and I think that's about right.
I think your MIL doesn't actually sound a very family orientated person - she hasn't contacted you since October? That's appalling. I would tell her to come for a "holiday" on the way back from NZ, you don't expect her to do childcare as you have already had it sorted (presumably) but it means she only says 10 days or so. Then just put up with her. If money is tight, say so and say she is welcome to a week "on you" but no more. I think she is trying to escape the weather in the UK.....! She obviously doesn't have a problem with money if she can afford a NZ trip.
You are getting a lot of vitriol over your treatment of MIL, but I can empathise, I used to like my MIL, but that was when we saw her for a couple of hours very other weekend and special occasions. However since we moved abroad and her visits have lasted six to eight weeks she drives me up the wall! Having any visitor in your home for longer than a week is horrible. Especially if they sit around and wait to be entertained and fed. If you come up with a plausible excuse let me know, I'm already dreading the next visit, but know that it will cause too much upset and outrage to say no.
You spend double what other MNs spend then that should feed 4 kids and 4 adults (assuming the average 2 adults 2 kids per family). As you have a nanny I'm assuming your kids aren't teenagers.
Spag bol in 40 deg weather? It gets to that in summer in Italy and they keep eating pasta. I think eating steak in hot weather is more mental.
The phone goes both ways, have you all called her?
Frankly I think it is your (and DHs) job to facilitate a relationship between your kids and their loving family, even if they are difficult. Sounds like DH loves his mother and ought to be able to spend time with her. DHs are often useless about birthday cards etc.
If you can't afford to spend time with family because you are eating steak then perhaps you shouldn't eat steak. There is no reason kids have to eat steak, there are far healthier things anyway and many of them are cheaper.
As for refusing visitors, yes we did refuse my MIL one time because she wanted to come in march which was a nightmare time at work for DH. We also offered to pay the increased plane fare for her to come at another time. My ILs really don't like me and we still manage to make it work for the sake of my kids and DH.
I did say no to my Dh's brother. There are 4 of us in a very small 2 bed place and the brother has never been close. He has mental issues which make me feel unsafe around him and I don't want him near my kids. It was easy to say no as I was strongly compelled to do so and its not like we have the room.
I would say if your MIL helped you for 10 wks before, regardless of the fact she left early, she did it and you're beholden to her desire to return. You just have to work out the ground rules and issues around food costs together, so no one gets any horrible surprises and you can get along better.
I think a simple no covers it really, DH's Birthday came and went without contact, yes he could phone her but doesn't, it's not my "job"
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