Do you ever get fed up of being "different"

[FluffyDonkey]

Background : I've lived in France for 6 years. I got my masters here and have worked here for 4 years (for French companies, I rarely use my English). I speak fluent French, with a slight English accent - which everyone assures me is "charming", "sexy", "adorable" (delete as appropriate - or often, not appropriate! ). DP is French, all my friends except 1 are French, and I have no intention of ever leaving. It's my home.

However recently I've started a new project at work, with a new team and I am just fed up to the back teeth of comments on my French, my accent, the UK (bad food, terrible weather, crap football, slow trains - you name it, I've heard it). On and on and on. It's all done in a jokey tone but it's the constant reminders that I'm not one of them. Whenever they use odd expressions they all turn to me to explain what they mean (thanks but I understood). They use very old, archaic words that when I tell DP he barely knows them either. I've never experienced it before and am finding it very tough.

Most Frenchies make a couple of comments on my Englishness, tell me how awful England is (then how they had a great time there) but then they drop the subject and treat me as normal. This team doesn't and I'm getting very disheartened.

Sorry to rant on for so long before getting to the question but : does anyone else experience this?

[rosietoes]

Hi FluffyDonkey,

Commiserations! I get that all the time too. We will forever not belong.

I'm American by birth, but have lived all over (UK, Japan, France)

I am soo-o glad Bush is no longer president because the grief I got over that was awful.

People say they 'can't quite place my accent' they know I'm not from there.
Not English (altho' UK citizen).
Obviously not Japanese.
Sadly don't look French (as I walk down the street in France people automatically speak English to me).
Now when I go back to USA, people ask where I'm from because I don't sound American either.

Reactions to it depend on if I'm having a good day or not.

Open mouth, and wait 10 seconds while the person I'm speaking to make stupid cracks, then proceed ignoring their comments with a smile.

Guy at Renault garage was a smarmy git about my accent this morning. 'Do I detect a hint of accent?'
'Yes, you do. I was born in US'
'What state are you from?'
'Pennsylvania'
'Oh, you must not like sunlight!'
??? Oh, you're trying to be clever?! Transylvania. Pennsylvania. ha ha.

[frakkinaround]

Yep. With you on the French but I tend to trade on my Englishness rather than blend now.

I'm used to not belonging though. I think.

[Beachcomber]

Yes, could have written your post.

I swear every time it rains here nearly every person I speak to will ask me if I feel at home 'avec tel temps Ecossais'. I know they mean well but it does grate after the millionth time.

Have been in France for 12 years, DH French, kids born here, etc

Was moaning to DH the other day how 'I just want to feel like meeeeeeee'.

Don't have time to add more as am off to cook tea but marking my place on the thread!

[rosietoes]

Just thinking about this as I made myself a cup of tea.

I knew a Frenchman in USA who deliberately accentuated his accent so people WOULD comment on it. He loved the attention.
Said it got him better tables in restaurants, discounts in shops, etc.

Maybe we should milk it?!

[brimfull]

I am a bit different as well, accent unidentifiable so no comments directly just lots of fishing for more info then the outright where the heck are you from question?

I am shocked that all the french people say how awful UK is.I would never be so rude as to put down someone's home country.

[rosietoes]

Hmm...wonder why Mister Men Mr Rude has French accent?

[walkthedinosaur]

I had a load of French 16 year olds last week tell me all about the UK (they've never been). It rains all the time (we live in Brittany the weather is crap here), you only eat junk food, you are football hooligans, the list was endless. Who had told them all of this? Their English teacher, who doesn't like the UK but goes there on holiday every couple of years.

Had to grin and bear it for an hour, and consoled myself with at least they're expressing themselves in English.

[probono]

I know, and we don't even belong at "home" any more. It's only the multiple countries people who understand I think.

[exexpat]

You can't get away from being different in some of the places I've lived (Japan, Taiwan) - well, not with my hair/skin colour anyway - but I got used to it. When I moved to Australia for a while it was odd not being different until I opened my mouth.

But sometimes in Japan it would have been great to have a cloak of invisibility to sweep over me and the children so we could sometimes get round the supermarket without being pestered by grannies exclaiming over how cute the kids were... And yes, the repetitive conversations about English weather, tea, David Beckham, Sherlock Holmes, Princess Di etc etc do tend to pall after a while.

I'm now back in the UK and quite enjoying the anonymity - but I do find I still gravitate to other people who have moved around a lot, and the DCs still identify as not entirely British. Have you come across the book on Third Culture Kids? I didn't grow up as one, but think I have become one as an adult...

[frakkinaround]

Home is where I live!

Being different can come to be a good thing once you get over the initial everyone hating you/thinking you're a cute foreigner stage. I've never lived somewhere as drastically different as Japan or Taiwan though.

[FluffyDonkey]

Totally get the rain comment!! It is sooooo annoying. Like it never rains anywhere else. I get that comment almost everyday it rains and I HATE it.

Sometimes, when I get really fed up with the comments, I just say that you don't choose where you are born - there are few replies to that!

People asking loads of questions about where I come from ("Birmingham? With the Queen?" "No that's BUCKINGHAM") annoy me too. They are always disappointed when I don't say London.

[frakkinaround]

Ohhhhh yes that annoys me.

"are you from London?"
"no"
"where?"
"name small town"
"where's that?"
"between London and Oxford"
"so London then?"

Fluffy I went to uni in Birmingham. Great city!

[FluffyDonkey]

"I am shocked that all the french people say how awful UK is.I would never be so rude as to put down someone's home country. "

ggirl - this is exactly why I get so annoyed. It's a form of racism but they seem to think it's ok. There are days when I shrug it off - and others when I get totally fed up. I feel like I have the same conversations all the time, and that I'm having to defend the UK.

[BlauerEngel]

It can get so annoying when you can't just fade into the background. We have the same thing in Germany. People are generally just being friendly and showing interest, indeed going out of their way to show that they like foreigners, but they find it hard to understand that we have been through all these conversations 100 times before. DH suffers most, being from Ireland, because the Germans love the 'Celtic mystery' and always trot out the cliches and expect DH to be fascinated in the details of their last holiday.

What annoys me most though is when we're speaking English to the DCs among ourselves and someone assumes that means we must be tourists and approaches us with their appalling English. Yes, I know it's just being kind, but after living in the country for 18 years I don't want to be treated like a tourist.

[brimfull]

FluffyDonkey-next time they criticize the Uk say that atleasat we have the manners not to be rude about a persons home country depsite all our other faults.

[ToastieTeacake]

Great conversation stopping fact.... actually, on average, there are 9 more rainy days in Paris than London (although there are also 12 more sunny days)....

"london www.bbc.co.uk/weather/world/city_guides/results.shtml?tt=TT003790"

"paris www.bbc.co.uk/weather/world/city_guides/results.shtml?tt=TT003570"

my DH uses this a lot at work to silence these comments

[ToastieTeacake]

sorry - can't do links properly, sigh

[rosietoes]

That's good info to be armed with!

Our French au pair is constantly checking weather in France v. London. She's surprised how similar they are.

We had freak snowfall today (looked out window at green grass, went to loo, came out to snow covered garden! and not a flake in the air)
We were shocked, but she checked her trusty weather website & said snow alert in France as well.

[MmeLindt]

I am still the Scottish Schwiegertochter - my MIL still introduces me as 'MmeLindt, from Scotland'. She introduces the DC as her half Scottish GC.

It does get on my nerves sometimes. I just want to shout that I have been married to her DS for 13 years and can she not just say that this is her DIL?

LOL BlauerEngel, I am from Scotland and I am very aware that I have a Tartan Bonus amongst the Germans, similar to the Guinness Bonus that the Irish have. They exclaim about how lovely Edinburg is and that they love the Scottish music and that the country is so green. I swear they imagine we all run around in kilts, playing the dudelsack, drinking Earl Grey Tea and eating Walker's Shortbread.

My friends were most upset the first time they came for tea and I flung two (imported) PG Tipps tea bags in a pot, without prewarming the pot and without checking to see exactly how many minutes that the tea has been steeping.

[Beachcomber]

Hah, I also have a 'Tartan Bonus' (fantastic expression) which works well in France.

I do, however, like to amuse myself by letting a Frenchie ramble on about how they love the Scots but how the Iingleesh are all bastards, their food is foul, etc, etc and then I say "oh really, my dad's English".

[Weta]

I think maybe I'm lucky as I come from NZ and they mostly don't know anything about it so can't really comment - except to praise the All Blacks or say "hmmm, c'est pas la porte à côté, hein?", as if I've never heard that one before. But then they leave me alone apart from the odd comment lumping me in with you lot: "vous, les Anglais..." or if I'm lucky "vous, les Anglo-saxons...".

Fluffydonkey, hopefully in time the novelty will wear off for your team - don't know whether you can come up with some smart comment to put them in their place and make them realise you don't like it, or just be straight up and tell them! Sounds to me like you're just unlucky with that group...

[admylin]

The tartan bonus is a good one! When I lived in France if I told people I was sottish they offered me whiskey and if I told them I was British they offered me tea!

The best bit was about fog. In France they all learn in school that the UK is covered in fog - I had never seen fog in my life until I lived in the south of France where it was a regular occurence.

[Louise2004]

Funnily enough I've just skim-read the following article that seems to relate to what you wrote (also skim-read as I'm too exhausted to read anything in detail at the moment!):

www.expatharem.com/

Here's the introductory paragraph:

How do you say...me?

Many aspects of living outside your birth country can be unsettling and difficult to adjust to. Forging new relationships in a foreign language is certainly top of my list.

Using a second language, it?s hard to convey a real sense of yourself to those around you. Sarah Turnbull, author of a book about expat life in Paris, relays her experience of attending a dinner party. She spoke little French and other guests wrongly perceived her as quiet and shy.

"I?d said very little all night. When I did speak, it was to issue childlike statements or ask simple questions which made me cringe at my own dumbness."

[FluffyDonkey]

I feel better now!

I've learnt a few tactics - like denying that the summer is wet...which makes them all think about it and say that actually, when they spent 2 weeks in Devon, Scotland, etc. it was lovely weather!!!

Other tactic is to laugh at their ideas - like that we all eat jelly ALL the time. I point out its like Haribos and we don't eat it past the age of 7 (slight bending of the truth). They all seem to be traumatised by the idea of mint jelly and Christmas pudding. God knows why.

And the best defense is attack - I point out that more rain falls in the South of France than in the South of England (because they have torrential rain storms but I don't say that) and also that our sales are fantastic...

I also tell them our stereotypes of them (baguette, strippy t-shirt, beret, garlic and bike) which horrifies them!

But my best weapon is DP. When someone complains about the English food and he is there I just wordlessly turn to him and he launches into how wonderful the food he eats at my mums house is, and how our curries are fantastic and he has never gone hungry there.

Fluffy 1 : Frenchies 0

[Bucharest]

Frakkin- I get that all the time!

After Christmas: So, how is London at Christmas?
Me: How the feck would I know, being in Nottingham and all.
Them: When are you going back to London, Easter?

I feel different every single moment of every single day. But have kind of grown a hard shell and now almost revel in mad Englishwoman who will shout randomly at people on the street for not respecting traffic lights/zebra crossings etc. They probably think I've got Tourettes as I wonder round cussing.

Whenever it rains here, and blimmin' heck when it rains, the streets are totally underwater and you can't leave the house I get "oooh you must feel at home today!".