Do your family make you feel guilty for moving?

[googietheegg]

..or is it just mine?!

I come from a very large family that all live in and around the same town. I left to go to university and have never gone back, other than for visits.

All my relatives have children and are pretty involved in each others lives, with lots of parties for birthdays etc, which I rarely go to as it costs so much. Also, whenever I go back all my DH and I are asked is when we're going to have a baby - it used to drive me crazy now it just upsets me. We are hoping to have a baby next year but we've set up two businesses and have other things to do than just have a baby!

I never want to be rude about their live choices, but somehow mine seem fair game.

I am always getting digs about not visiting enough, but I don't even get a birthday card from any of these relatives, so I don't see why I should feel guilty for not going to a party which will cost us lots of money we don't have and come away feeling awful.

Long way of asking...do you get the guilt-trip about moving/not coming back to your family enough after moving overseas?

[googietheegg]

gurp...life choices

[StanleyFletcher]

They do make me feel guilty but not intentionally. I have been away, then back for 3 years then away again, this time for about 18 months and can't see us going back to the UK for a looooooooong time. Xmas etc is hardest but we go back every summer for a few weeks. It is difficult because everyone misses the kids and what not. I think that overall the family know that it is the right decision for us and they deal with it. We are VERY far away though so no-one expects us to be back and forth more than once a year. Do they ever come visit you?

[drinkmoretea]

Well, I only moved 200 miles away from family and you would think it was 2000!

I always get my face rubbed in it, they rarely visit us but we are expected to visit them (because it was our choice to move away!)

Would love to move abroad!

[googietheegg]

They visit about once a year/18 months. I do appreciate it, but it's considered to be a really massive favour to us, with our returning to the UK 'the norm', so one of their visits seems to be the equivalent of three/four of our visits.

I don't actually like visiting because it's so stressful, but I really try and put 'best foot forward' when we come, but it's exhausting. When we go my mum makes a real scene about not staying for longer, so I don't seem to please them even when we do come back.

My mum says that other friends of mine who go on holiday with their parents 'must like their parents more than I like mine' and other such digs, avoiding the fact that their parents pay for the trips!! I wouldn't want this, but I don't like the dig.

No relatives have visited, or even stay in any kind of contact btw. My husband's family do visit and my mum just says 'it's different' even though it isn't at all!

[CMOTdibbler]

TBH, I think that as the movee, this is the norm, no matter how far you go. DH and I have moved around in the UK (and neither of us have lived at home/near since leaving for uni), and we have had grief from his family all the time.

In our last location, they only ever came to leave their car to go on holiday (10 mins from major airport), and one brother never came to visit at all. However we had lots of mutterings about not being there for parties, or would be told about things 3 days in advance

[googietheegg]

Even writing it down has made me see how much of a hold this has over my happiness....

[kickassangel]

my family make a point of NOT trying to make me feel guilty, and I don't in the least (live in the US, all family in the UK) as the choices for us in the UK were pretty grim - unemployment v fantastic lifestyle in the US. even so, when we go home, they expect us to trail round their houses to visit, as if we haven't just flown thousands of miles to get 'home'.

I felt bad last year as dd was so homesick, but that would have happened had we moved within the UK, which we would have had to.

However, MIL (i know, but it is her), does the whole tears in her eyes, you never call, the shock will kill your gran routine etc.
This week we got an email, saying we don't contact her enough. dh has set them up with numerous ways of skyping, calling etc, but they never contact us, always wait for us to contact them.

i think that some people are just so buried in their own lives that they cannot see beyond it to the fact that your life is elsewhere. you're not languishing around, waiting for the chance to contact them, you're getting on with your own life, and wouldn't it be nice if they made the effort to contact/meet up with you.

since the latest email from MIL (there is a HUGE history behing this), dh has had enough - if she's that bothered, she can come to us. He has more or less said that to her (VERY nicely), and we have received resounding silence in return. I used to feel bad about how deserted she feels, now I'm realising that her feelings are her choice & no matter what we do she'll feel & act like that. We are trying to be v objective - treat his parents equally to mine, and not give in to the emotional blackmail. It's hard, particularly when she's sobbing on your shoulder, but I think she needs to realise that if she misses us & wants more to do with us, she can't expect us to go to her all the time.

This is long, sorry, but rather complex & not sure now whether I've put it across well.

[googietheegg]

I hear you kickass!

My mum cannot use the internet or text, so we can't even have little skype messages, emails, video calls etc...it would be better if she would learn (she's only 63!) but she won't. It also means that she cannot book flights without asking my dad to do it and that we have to have big long calls rather than emails or texts to keep in touch without having big drama phone calls.

Kickass, it's also the same for us that the relatives that we ought to visit just stay in their own homes and expect us to drive around seeing everyone - not only does it mean we have to hire a car (when they're all in the same town ffs) but it also makes it far from a holiday. No one ever says thanks for making the effort to come...it's only 'it's a shame you're not here for x's christening' or 'I thought you were going to be here half an hour ago' - I would have been except I was visiting another relative in their own home down the road who wouldn't let me leave!!!!!

2010 is the year for only making an effort with people that make an effort with me.

[mozette]

My lovely wee sis (up there ^ as stanleyfletcher) lives far far away from me - much as I don't like that they are all far away () I know that it is right for her and her family and once she had the overseas bug that settling in Scotland isn't an option for her. Therefore I feel I have no right to make her feel guilty - she just makes me jealous instead!

googie I am sure if you set up the IT side of stuff your mum would get the hang of it - our mum did and she knew she had to to keep up with all the photos/news/etc - what about Facebook first then skype. Mum & dad are right into it now and they keep a laptop on in the living room with skype connected all the time so that my neice/nephew/sister can get in touch with them anytime they like.

[StanleyFletcher]

It does help that we have an geek, IT genius (Mozette) in the family to upgrade their shitty internet connection when we need it though .

My mum (almost 60) wouldn't have know how to turn a computer on 18 months ago and is now quite proficient. If kids do ever come along for you I bet your mum will learn pretty quickly! I know what you mean about picking and choosing who to make an effort with though..... There are people who could not drag their sorry arses up the street to us over a 3 week period when we can flown about 6000 miles to get back to the UK but overall my family and friends are bloody ace.

[displayuntiltwelfthnight]

yes, we haven't moved abroad but might as well have moved to the other side of the world the way family rarely visit! We are several hours' drive from our immediate family on both sides, so I suppose in a way it would be quicker to get to us if we were just an hour or two plane ride away but we do get the feeling that we're the ones who decided to live far away so it's up to us to do all the travelling which, with 3 dcs,two of whom are at school and bound by school holidays, isn't always easy/desirable.
We sometimes feel rather excluded from things when the rest of dh's family are all living within a few miles of one another and we're so far away and it has made us realise that if we did actually move abroad we probably would never see any of them again unless we did all the travelling because it's getting a bit like that now! ILs lovely, I hasten to add, just crap at making an effort to travel further than the nearest city!My parents visit but it's never for very long as they have their own commitments and so we've got used to being a little unit of 5 tbh!
googietheegg - think you have the right idea about not getting het up about making all the effort. My life has been a lot happier and stressfree since dh and I decided that we can't put pressure on ourselves to always keep up the travelling and we only travel as often as we want and if the family want to see us more then they have to make at least the same effort as we do.

[kickassangel]

i sort of see the logic of 'you moved, you make the effort' to a point, BUT if i've made the effort to fly across the atlantic, i feel that driving for 30 mins to see us shouldn't be impossible.

I have a big family - we rarely ALL manage to get together - it takes a wedding or a funeral usually. Now i've started picking a convenient point, advertising a meeting well in advance, then those who have the time/energy meet us there. With a large no. of cousins, with different work/college/boyfriend obligations, i don't expect them all to come running, but facebook is v useful to let them know, and they usually do bother, even if they are hung over/have been out all night. if they don't make it, it's their loss/choice.

The ones who make the most effort are the ones who stay the firmest friends.

[nooka]

My family are really very good, even when we moved from New York (short flight, relatively low cost) to British Columbia (much longer flight, very expensive), and even when about six months after we left, my middle sister went to live in Australia (her husband is Australian, so this wasn't a total surprise).

We have Vonage set up, with a virtual UK phone number, so they can call us without any complications or expense (and my calls home are free). We do also have Skype as that's what my sister went for, but personally I don't like it at all, and much prefer the normal telephone. Plus any of my UK friends and relatives can call without having to think about anything except the time difference (which at eight hours is plenty to remember).

We've not yet been back since leaving almost two years ago now, and much as I would like to visit, we probably won't for quite a while because it is so expensive, and would just eat up holiday time. My parents came out here this summer, and unless we visit home we won't see them (or probably any of the rest of my family) for another eighteen months or so. When my parents visited they were a bit sad as they could see how lovely BC is, and why we are planning to stay here for the next few years at least.

When we were planning to visit we weren't expecting to see any of my wider family, just parents and brothers and sisters. Not enough time for anyone else really.

[vulpes]

this is pretty normal i think. the family that stays 'home' expects the family that moved to do all the travelling.

it used to make DH and i loopy. but we came up with a plan.

we told the family that once a year we would fly to a central place, rent a house on the beach and anyone who wanted to come along (accommodation paid for, and flights for the folks) could. otherwise, they can whistle.

so far it has worked brilliantly. (its amaaaazing how free accom on the beach suddenly makes visiting us a priority) mostly everyone has made it every year (except my brother, but thats a whooooole other thread) and no more stress for me and DH.

also with the skype and facebook and stuff, it just takes time for them to get into it. my dad is 73 and can now surf fb and skype with the best of them. but it has taken about 2 years to get there.

good luck googietheegg!

[newkiwi]

Every time I call home my mother says 'so you are planning on staying longer than two years then?'. We've been away 18 months and have been back once and both sets of parents have been out to stay. They are both planning on coming again this year and frankly I am I fed up with spending all my holidays with my family. We spend more time with them than we did when we lived in the UK.

I do feel guilty, they make me feel guilty and I resent it. But I know I was a little bit the same with my BF when she moved to NY. I just didn't get it. I was so touched when she flew to the UK to meet our new DD on our trip home.

I doubt it'll ever go away but at the moment the price is worth paying. I am so blessed to live here.

[BikeRunSnowflake]

My family make me feel guilty about moving from the south of England to the north. 18 YEARS AGO! They are getting over it. DSis and 1 DB live abroad, this, somehow, is more acceptable.

[displayuntiltwelfthnight]

I think that sometimes some people can't understand how anyone can be happy living miles away from family.
Every time DH's family sees us one of them says "Aren't there any jobs here for you?"
We actually wouldn't live there even if there was a job there - but they wouldn't consider moving further than a few roads away or a neighbouring town from each other so to them we're a bit of a weird family

[vulpes]

lol displayuntiltwelfthnight, thats my dad all over! he is forever sending us clippings from the local paper about jobs. nevermind the jobs he clips and sends are the ones DH would have been overqualified for 10 years ago already.....but i quite like that he so obviously wants us to live closer to them.

and actually, if DH could get a job paying what he is earning now, then we probably WOULD move nearer my folks.

[FlyingReindeer]

Unintentionally, yes.

I have a single friend who lives in Australia who said to me before Christmas that this would be her last trip home for a couple of years as she was missing out on seeing the world and travelling during her holidays. I would love to take that attitude but once you are married it becomes a WHOLE lot harder.

DH and I both lived abroad from our families until this year when we moved to DH's home country, although we are still far from his family. The hardest thing for us is that we both work long hours, often six or seven days a week during the summer months. As a result we didn't get more than four days off after our wedding and have spent the rest of our holidays split between our families, and often not at the same time. It's not so much living abroad it's the fact that we both have new jobs which demand a lot of our time and our families don't get that. If they organise something during the busy summer period, then there is just no way that we can go and we end up missing weddings, etc for those reasons.

Our families do make the effort to come and see us though, as much as we make the effort to see them and now we are expecting our first child, we really feel the distance. We would love to have family close by, but DH would never live in my home country and neither of us would be able to maintain our careers elsewhere and would have to retrain if we were to move.

[displayuntiltwelfthnight]

It depends a lot on the family dynamic too. On my side of the family, my parents and siblings haven't lived near one another since we went to university all over the place so it's nothing new to have to travel to see each other and we were never in each other's pockets anyway whereas on my dh's side of the family they are much more the type of family who wander into each other's homes and call by for a cup of tea ad hoc so we're the odd ones out by scheduling dates in advance for getting together and although we've lived in some beautiful parts of the country they are never very interested in seeing the ares as they come up for the bare minimum to see us and then scoot back home to the place they feel most comfortable in!
vulpes - your idea about having the central meeting place is brilliant and anyone not willing to join you there is cutting off their nose to spite their face by the sounds of it!

[vulpes]

lol, and sometimes displayuntilthetwelfthnight, they are just pains in the arses! my family and DHs family are all expats. we are talking grnadparents, parents, and all siblings. between us all i thnk we have lived in something like 12 different countries so they have no bloody excuse!

[kickassangel]

dh's grandparents lived in australia for several years whilst MIL was young, then returned to N Ireland.

MIL went through a whole 'the shock will kill your gran' rigmarole when we said we were moving. gran said 'well, i can't say much, i went to australia, didn'ti' & wished us well.

MIL, although she has moved around, really just likes people to come to her house, sit on the sofa & stay there, so she can look at them. IT really irks here that we don't do that often enough for her. Funnily, even her mother (aged 92) says she's boring & should do more!

I think she is a prime example of someone who just doesn't get that there IS life 'out there' & that other people live there. Hence, the assumption that we should go to her, never the other way around.

[displayuntilbestbefore]

kickassangel - my lovely MIL (and she is indeed lovely) has never lived anywhere other than her home town and doesn't ever go on holidays or for day trips unless instigated by one of her adult children. To her, DH and I may as well live on the other side of the world but it makes me sad because if dh ever did get a job offer overseas, even if it was a great opportunity for us as a family, he would probably have to think long and hard about it as she would definitely never visit if it meant having to get on a plane and as she gets older I can't imagine dh wanting to make a move and potentially never seeing his mother again other than when we could afford trips over with the 5 of us, which of course would be expensive and she would see it as us taking her GCs away from her which she would find very hard.
Interesting thread seeing as moving abroad is something dh and I have talked about on occasion as his work means it might be an option one day....

[expatinscotland]

My mum and sister do.

It falls on deaf ears entirely.