how to deal with guilt/sadness over being away from family?

[MizZan]

I am wondering if any of you have words of wisdom or comfort related to this. I've just told my sister that my family is moving abroad again, after a year back in my home country (US). We had been hoping to stay in my home country permanently but have found the transition very difficult, the cost of living too expensive, and the job prospects for both DH and myself much less attractive than we'd hoped. Needless to say the decision to leave again has been an agonizing one for me, particularly since I have an aging mother who is here and was so thrilled we were moving back, and 2 kids who now won't get to see much of their cousin or grandmother. We would be moving back to the UK so would not be halfway round the world, but a 7 hour plane flight away, which is of course not close.

My sister, when I told her, accused me of not loving her and my mom enough to stay, said we were only leaving because of the money, and expressed a huge amount of bitterness over the fact that she would now be left to deal with my mom's demands and age-related illnesses with no help from me. Her view is that nothing "at home" is good enough for me or DH. How can I answer this? Am I ever going to stop feeling absolutely crap about making this decision? I love her and my mom very much, of course, and I feel extremely sad about not being able to see them more often if we move away. But we have not been that close and they have done very little to assist us with our obvious struggles since we've been here (though apparently that is only my view, since her view is they've offered lots and lots of help - somehow DH and I missed that?!). I guess I'm just wondering if any of you have faced this kind of violently critical and bitter reaction to your decision to move overseas or remain overseas, and were you and your family ever able to get past it?

[thequietone]

Hi MizZan,
I'm so sorry to read your post. I've been through the same thing twice. The first time, admittedly, I was only 21. My partner (now my husband) got a 6 month secondment to South Korea. I was on a maternity cover work contract that ended the same time, and we were renting a tiny flat for extortionate money. There really was nothing holding us back.
The move, although only 6 months, almost destroyed my relationship with my family. My parents were furious, even though I didn't even live anywhere near them anymore. They said I would be a "kept woman". What about my career, it's too far, what about us? etc. They were grasping at reasons for me not to go, even though I'd not lived at home for 3 years. Anyway, we went, and it was the best thing we ever did.

Roll on to 2007, and we are married, two children and have moved from the UK to Germany permanently. The day I told my father, he got heart problems. My mother blamed it on me. I though "Oh no, not all this crap again." My brother was supportive of us, but has to bear the brunt of my parents and their woes as he lives near to them.

I'm certain that you are making the right decision, and you haven't come to your conclusion lightly. Any move away from family will be taken negatively, no matter how supportive they may seem on the outside. I too suffer from guilt, particularly as my dad doesn't fly, so hasn't/won't visit, but I have my own family to deal with now.

I wish you the best of luck in your move.

[Countingthegreyhairs]

I live abroad (only mainland Europe though) and my family is in the UK. Fwiw I think both of your families MizZan and thequietone are being very, very unreasonable. They should send you on your way with sad hearts but with their full support. They should want you to do well in your careers, and should encourage you and your family to thrive and seek out new opportunities.

Of course they will miss you and you will miss them but if you have children, you bring them up to "be free" not to chain them to you (in my opinion anyway). The more manipulation and guilt that is brought in to a situation like this, the more distance is put between people.

I can relate to the aging mother situation because I'm in the same position, but you could be living in the same country and still be 7 hours away by road and not plane. As long as you make the effort to visit regularly (twice a year minimum) and stick to it rigidly and make sure your sister knows that she can call on your for emergencies or for 'respite' cover, you should still be able to maintain a good relationship.

As for "only leaving because of the money" well most of us are ruled by our jobs and as parents, you and your dh have a duty to do what's best for your family and dc (I know what's best for them generally includes interacting with the extended family) but if you haven't got basic security and prospects in place then it's you who will suffer the long-term difficulties of that, not them.

As for practicalities, could you ensure that your mother and sister have access to video phone technology so you can all see and speak to one another frequently via the computer screen. My mother lives this!

[Countingthegreyhairs]

by 'not them' suffering the difficulties of narrowing your job prospects, I meant your mother and sister (sorry, sentence construction appalling!)

[MizZan]

thank you both. I know my family is being unreasonable but at the same time there is some validity to what my sister is saying and of course it hits me right where it hurts. in a perfect world I would love to have them near me. we do both have jobs here and it's not like we "have" to leave which is part of the problem. it's just that we can give the kids (and ourselves) a better quality of life in the UK - but then they will not grow up with extended family around, which is not a good thing.

I wish the video skype thing would work for us. I am going to try to suggest it but my mom is a complete technophobe and in her warped way I think she would see using it as "enabling" us in our mean decision to live far away from her, just like this year she refused to ever help pick my son up from school because it wasn't the "right" school in her view. I know, I know - this is not right. but what can I do - she is my only mom and I love her, and same with my sis.

[expatinscotland]

Well, I deal with any guilt I have in that I am happy here.

Any mother would want her child to be happy, wouldn't they?

My mother has COPD and it's starting to take a toll on her.

But living in the US is not for us - our lives are much, much better here, and this is what is best for our family.

I never felt 'at home' in the US. Never.

Sorry, but money is a big part of it for us, AND the mentality there, the live to work, you're defined by what you do for a living, the materialism/consumerism, the extollation of qualities like competitiveness and ambition that we don't really value, the health insurance thing, the drugs and violent/gun crime.

I would respond to your sister that I'm sorry her feelings are hurt, but at the same time, you have to do what is best for your family.

[Countingthegreyhairs]

It's never easy is it.

I know it sounds terrible but I know someone (single) who has given up her friends, the chance of marriage and children, has limited her job prospects, and given up most of her life really to look after her parents and her parents are STILL not happy.

I'm not saying your situation is extreme as that MizZan but as Expat says most parents want their children to be happy and thriving where they choose to live.

If the guilt is really too much, could you perhaps delay your decision until your mother is no longer alive? Or is the move already decided upon? (I'm sorry to put it so starkly but it's a situation I'm facing too and the reality of it is very real and very sad to contemplate.) You might find the other problems you are facing diminish over time. I've no idea whether this is a realistic option for you, just throwing out ideas here.

If not, perhaps you could invite your mother and sister around to your house for a special dinner and talk to them in more detail about your reasons for leaving .... I really feel for you as it sounds like a really difficult situation.

[Countingthegreyhairs]

Just re-read it and hope my previous post didn't offend MizZann- not my intention at all - situations with ageing parents are really hard emotionally and to be frank, in terms of time and effort, whether you live near by or not.

[MizZan]

hi - no offense taken at all, Counting (mine are far too many to count so I'm very envious...). My mom is not so very old (72 this year) nor is she ill or infirm, though a little frail. If she were ill or something there is no way we would go now. But - I hope - she will be here for years to come. Of course there's never any guarantee of this, and my father passed away 2 years ago after a very short and completely unforeseen illness after being absolutely robust, so that has played a role in my decision to try life in the US again and also is part of my fear about leaving, and part of the reason the guilt hits so hard!

It's very helpful to know we're not the only ones facing this. Expatinscotland, all the reasons you list for not being in the US are the very ones we have too, it's interesting. Despite all that though, I do feel at home in the US in a way I probably never will anywhere else.

[expatinscotland]

there will always be that torn feeling on some levels, Miz.

it's best to accept this as part of the expat life and being a dual national couple and it will help.

we Skype, we IM, we webcam.

my sister has been less accepting of my life here in general - she's never wanted to live anywhere else - and her childrens' upbringing is very different from my childrens'. she cannot understand why i value what i do and why i couldn't care less about most 'stuff'. she thinks my kids will feel differently.

maybe they will, maybe they want, you can say that about anyone's children.

my mother tries the guilt thing, but she's been using that for years. i left Houston when i was 18 and went to university. that was nearly 20 years ago! i've always lived far away - i came to Scotland from Denver, not exactly close.

my dad fully understands. he did not have the easiest of lives and appreciates teh value of being happy where you are.

as my dad says, 'i don't have to wake up and be you every day. if you're happy doing that, then i'm happy for you.'

[eidsvold]

in 2004 - I left the UK to return to live in Australia. I brought with me my dh and my dd1 and was 1/2 way through dd2 pregnancy. We left dh's family behind. My children are MIL's only grandchildren ( we now have 3 dd's) His sister has had to be there for his mother. MY wonderful FIL contracted an aggressive cancer and from diagnosis to death was about 3 months. My MIL had just finished nursing her mother who died and then fil had a heart bypass and then the cancer. It really took its toll on MIL and SIL. Dh went over for two trips - no way financially we could all go. I feel sad that FIL did not see dd1(again) and dd2 at all before he passed away.

However having said all that - my gorgeous MIL would love to be here with us BUT that is not possible at this stage. She would probably give anything for us to go and visit - again that would not be possible. We did leave with her blessing however. She knows that being here is the best thing for our girls - especially dd1 who has special needs.

MIL is a technophobe but we call every week and send photos and videos and lots of letters.

There were a lot of tears when we left - on both sides - I felt sad about leaving this family and I felt sad for dh leaving his family and I felt bad about taking MIL's only grandchildren to the other side of the world.

AGAIN - yes they are your family but to both dh and I our priority is now our children and this family not our family of origin. We have to do the best we can for our children and ourselves - for us to be content and happy.

Do what you have to do - it is only a 7hour flight away unlike us for whom it is a lot of money and around 23 hours flying time. I think your first priority is your family - dh and children and then your family of origin.

I did say to dh when we were emigrating that if he ever needed to come home for any reason to support his family etc that we would find the money - no matter what it took - the money would be there for him to go home - which we did twice in a matter of months in 2006.

[jennifersofia]

I am in this situation, (home country US, live in UK), and every time I see my parents they always ask about us moving back, despite the fact that I have been here for 14 yrs. Some of the reasons they state for us moving back are that we would have better job prospects and a better / cheaper standard of living- so it is interesting that you are moving to UK for that!
I too feel v. guilty about it, esp. as my dbrother has died, so I am now their only child , and my 3 dds are their only grandchildren. However I do feel that we have to live our lives, and do what is best for us, and cannot make our decisions purely based on my parents needs. I know it is very upsetting and (for my parents) can feel like moving away is rejecting their culture, and subsequently them, but I do feel that they must also be adults about it, and release you to do what you need to, instead of being betrayed and sulky like a child. Sometimes love is about letting people go, instead of holding them close.