Help, I can not settle in new country after 1.5yr

[Almondmilk]

Hi,
I feel very helpless today, I haven't slept a wink. I moved to my fiance's homeland with the best intention to settle but I can not get used to it. The climate (cold), the differences and the language are being a true obstacle. It was my idea to come here and now I wish we could leave. My fiance doesn't want to leave although he is not entirely fulfilled here. I totally understand he doesn't trust me anymore as I wanted to come here. I can not imagine myself learning the language more, I have had enough of new languages -complete burn out and total fatigue-.
I ponder moving back to the previous country (not my homeland) on my own and get a job there so we can breathe. ...We were planning on having a baby but I can not imagine myself being unhappy and pregnant. The situation is truly damaging us. It's partly my mistake for not doing all the efforts required. I don't bond with people here and this is not helping to make more efforts.
What to do? :(

[Mendingfences]

1.5 year is a very short time to settle i think. Do you work? Or have any network, either your own or though your fiances family? If you are comfortable saying which country you are in you May get some more specific advice. Im in norway

[NiceFalafels]

It's probably going to take another year. Where are you. What efforts have you made.

[ButterfliesRfree]

Mixing with people and getting about and learning the language is a must really. Dressing warm for the cold climate and finding ways to make it like home and making your accommodation homely would be essential to settling in. It'll probably take another year or so to settle. Sorry :(. I'd persevere. By the way, what language?

[VintagePerfumista]

Is he happy?

Are you happy with him?

Have you talked to him about your unhappiness?

Unless you are living in some ex-pat set up in Hong Kong or Singapore etc then it takes a hell of a lot longer than 1.5 yrs, that's the harsh reality.

I have been abroad now for 22 years. For the first 10 or so, the UK was definitely home, and this place was where I lived. I worked here, had some friends, but the UK was home.

Now I have a dp and a dd and the whole circle changes- you meet people accidentally through schools etc and because you've been in a job for a while.

Now, here is home. But, I repeat, because I've been here for 22 years!

Why did you move in the first place? (I mean, was it a "going to try something new" move, or a "there's nothing here for me so I'll go" move. Because I think that makes a difference in your expectations and how you throw yourself into the new life.

Are you working?

[Almondmilk]

Hi all thanks for your support!
@mendlingfences I'm in Sweden. I have sleeping problems here. The daylight change so much during the year.
@nicefalafels Efforts I have made: I had a job (that I didn't like) (now self-employed), I took intensive language classes (but that's not enough), I have made one friend (expat, I don't get along with the locals), i have a gym card, I have a hobby.
@ButterfliesRfree I am so so tired of learning languages. I never get to speak my own language. I feel like it will take 10 years to have an ok conversation. Dressing warm for 8months yes that's what I do :( I wonder if I have SAD.
On top of that my fiance is depressed...

[trotzdem]

It makes at least 5 years to settle down properly and for the dramatic emotional highs and lows to calm down.

It's also takes those without a natural talent for languages years to learn a language, even living in the country (it's taking me years...)

However that doesn't mean it's right for you - do you have ups as well as downs? Are you working?

If the trust is gone between you and your partner genuinely then there probably isn't any reason to stay where you are and work at it, there are no medals for tolerating misery!

You haven't given it long enough to settle down but that doesn't mean you have to invest 5-10 years giving it a genuine opportunity to feel like home. Your partner should want you to be happy and be willing to move again if you are miserable and convinced it won't get better - if he's blaming you and not supporting you he isn't worth staying for.

[Almondmilk]

VintagePerfumista 22 years! I hope you have a good amount of daylight!
We moved because he has a flat here, so we could live cheap and I didn't want him to sell it. We were in the UK. Not our homeland, but made it home you know what I mean. I did complain about housing a lot back then, that's why I asked him to try it here.
We are not happy atm. I think we haven't been happy for a good one year. With up and downs. Now def downs.
I didn't think it would be so hard...I thought it would be slightly harder than UK. It's much harder. He doesn't want to talk about unhapiness, that's not a good thing to express feelings here. He thinks I complain...I did complain in the past so now it's impossible for him to make the difference.

[adornorising]

I agree it takes longer than 1.5 yes, unless it's an "expat posting" type place. Sorry! Not good news!

I wonder though if it's affordable to have mini breaks to other EU cities to take short breaks from Sweden? Or winter sun holidays every year so you KNOW that you'll have light again. I've moved from somewhere warm and sunny to northern (not as far north as you though!) Europe and the difference in light is really hard.

Also re the baby, I've been expat in various places and one of the best ways to meet people is through kids. I'm NOT advocating having a baby to socialise (obviously, I'd hope, but I am a random stranger on the internet ). When I didn't have kids it was really so much harder to meet people. So having a baby might not be all bad there.

Some other ideas for meeting people would be volunteering somewhere (and you get to practise Swedish) or signing up for dance classes, something like salsa or Argentinian tango where there's a social scene but you're in a group first. With that though you need to make sure that they switch partners in a class, that you get a chance to dance with everyone, which is good practice anyway, but from socialising side is better too.

And if dance isn't an option, another activity that is social, but requires time together - choir would be one, there are probably many more.

[Almondmilk]

@trotzdem thanks for your thoughts.
It took me 10 years to speak a decent english. He actually gets tired of my english (not as perfect as his). I have ups and downs. Ups are related to my work or to our pretty street. He has a lot of downs. He made sure I was introduced to the system here but he never wants to travel to see more than the neighbourhood...He says that he is not at home more than me! (he is in his homeland). I'm quite tired of that lack of compassion..
He has been very supportive when it comes to work but not when it comes to emotions.
He said he was open to change and moving again but slowly doesn't agree with that.

[adornorising]

If he's not listening to you and your complaints (valid by the way), and your living in HIS homeland, then I'd be thinking about leaving.

It's one thing to have difficulty settling in somewhere, but if your partner isn't taking your concerns seriously I'd seriously reconsider my options, especially without kids.

However, if he is not listening because he's depressed (he used to listen before that), then perhaps he can get counselling and/or medication - essentially a trip to the doctor.

Also! Have you had your vitamin D levels checked? Lack of vit D makes you depressed and is very quickly remedied! Worth a check especially in Sweden.

[adornorising]

• VERY quickly as in when you get big doses you start to feel better quickly, but need to continue for some time.

[Almondmilk]

@adornorising
It's affordable for me to go on trips in EU, but I'd go alone as he is not working and not interested in going around. I can travel alone but that's not fun.

Yes the difference in light is hard! Again he thinks this is not an argument, but come on, it's pretty heavy to be in the dark at 3pm.

Yes I hear you ;) babies help connecting parents. To be honest I am not sure it would help seeing the current unfriendly situation.

I wonder if I should pretend that everything is ok.
Everyone thinks Northern countries are paradise -especially for kids-. Guilt...

[Almondmilk]

@adornorising yes yes I am on vitamin D.
You are right: he is not listening because he is depressed, but furthermore he doesn't want to hear me complain. I have complained A LOT so I am def guilty. It's like to cry 'wolf'...it doesn't work anymore.
The experience is sadly damaging us and we consider breaking up. We used to have big laughs and great connection. I do blame Sweden.

[Almondmilk]

Frankly, I don't see myself in winterland for much longer. I could stay maybe up to two-three more years.

[Almondmilk]

I regret living on the equal ground. I said it would be better to go back to that. He won't sell his flat and he doesn't want to rent. We are stuck.

[Beachcomber]

Why isn't your partner working?

Was he depressed in the UK?

I live in my DH's homeland. Have been here nearly 20 years and had lots of ups and downs in that time - I struggled with homesickness for ages. I don't think I could have managed if my partner was depressed. Living abroad IMO uses up quite a lot of emotional energy and resources, especially in the beginning. You need understanding and support from your partner.

[franke]

I was just coming on here to post what KateInKorea has said. Please keep the baby plans firmly shelved for now. You need to make some fundamental decisions about what you want regarding where you live and who you spend your life with. I've read threads on here suggesting that integrating in Skandinavia can be incredibly difficult so 1.5 years is nothing. But if your heart's not in it...

I've lived in Germany for over a decade. I speak German but not at all well. It's been a massive compromise for me to be here in terms of how it's affected my life and opportunities. But I'm ensconced in family life and would never think about leaving. You have your whole life ahead of you - please think carefully about the kind of life you want to live and how you can make that happen whilst you're still able to.

[Whocansay]

I don't know why you're sticking with this. You are unhappy. He is unsupportive and sounds pretty cold. You have no real ties. Just leave.

I really don't understand people saying that you should stay for years and see if it works out, that's madness. What a waste of life.

And yes, a baby will absolutely not improve the situation.

[VintagePerfumista]

Yes, to what Kate says. Do not have a baby.

Sorry if it is a personal question, but if he is not working, and you are in Sweden, which is not renowned for being cheap, are you supporting him?

It all sounds to me as if it is more than just being in Sweden.

[Beachcomber]

And yes agree with others about not having a baby.

Also sounds to me like the problem is your partner.

[Almondmilk]

KateInKorea what's The Hague Convention about? The child belongs where he is born....?

Beachcomber Partner is depressed because he can't find his path anymore, he is still affected by studies. I believe that not having friends doesn't help and where we are it's not easy to find jobs related to his studies...so he needs to reconvert...He also says that he says depressed because I complain about the country.

franke This is where I think we are not sync. I think we still have a whole life to live and he thinks he is old he must settle. I agree we should be settled but if the place we are isn't the one...

Whocansay He would day that it is 'his turn to be depressed'. I'm not a depressed person, I do complain a lot that is true but I provide joy as well. It's been a few months he is like. I believe that I should establish myself on my own, I hate being dependent (language, system).

VintagePerfumista You are probably right, it's more than just where we are. We had a good relationship for quite a while but we spend now WAY too much time together, not quality time, just being on our screens every evening, every weekend. I miss having the option to meet people, see art, more than just the same routine over and over...Yes I support him now. He says he will reimburse and he provides the flat so I can pay for everything for a few months.

Beachcomber I might be the problem. I am trying to understand. I can blame myself for complaining too much and for dragging him to his homeland when he warned me it would be hard. Now I would need to drag him somewhere else.

I kind of think the solution is: full time jobs. Maybe this could be my way to drag him back to the UK or somewhere else. I guess Sweden isn't so bad, it's a well functionning country. I just struggle to project myself...

[VintagePerfumista]

In a nutshell, the Hague Convention clause means you cannot remove your own child from its country of residence without the permission of the other parent. Even for a holiday. In situations where the marriage is broken down or rocky, one parent travelling alone with a child is looked at very closely to make sure they are not abducting them abroad.

[ButterfliesRfree]

I don't think your relationship is working. Sorry. And i think you have too many negatives at play : like the language problems, being tired of life, not being happy and settling problems to try and make your relationship work. If he too isn't making an effort I don't think it's worth it. Sorry.

[Almondmilk]

VintagePerfumista Same thing when the couple isn't married? Sounds scary to have a kid abroad then.

ButterfliesRfree Yes it's a major crisis we are having but like every couple...We should try to work on it if this is possible. He seems to still be open to fixing problems if I am willing to start making efforts first. Which means no complaining anymore...
He said I can go home or to the UK on small trips when I feel homesick but it doesn't seem a long term solution. Now it can work but if I have kids I'll be stuck, no more week ends. I better like where I am isn't it.
I don't think I want to break up, because we have a great past and I know all couples face shit at some point.