Coping With Cultural Differences

[suedonim]

Anyone around to advise on how to cope with cultural differences? I'm from the UK but living in Nigeria and wrestling with two issues at the moment.

First is car safety. To me car safety is a no-brainer so I was horrified at the tale dd2 told me on her return from a friend's yesterday. She informed me that 10 adults and children went out in an ordinary estate car and that dd was in the front passenger seat with another girl, with the seat belt around them both. The friend's parents are very, very wealthy, very well-educated and they spend time in the UK so must be aware of the safety issues around overcrowding and lack of seat belts etc. But few people in Nigeria buckle their chidren (or even themselves) up and maybe the parents are just 'going with the flow' of being in their home culture. So how can I tackle the subject with the parents without seeming critical or rude? I don't mind seeming weird or mad, though!

The second issue is with a girl in dd's class at school. The girl is being bullied by another girl, on a long-term basis, and she was very upset to the point of tears when I saw her. But she said she didn't want anyone in authority to be told about it. I feel I should do something, however, I've no idea if bullying as a concept is recognised in Nigeria (although it's an international school) and if I would be making things worse. Their teacher is from New Zealand, which makes me more inclined to tell. What do you think?

[wickedwaterwitchhaspmt]

On the first I'd say "look, I want dd to be properly secured in a car, can I collect her next time? Because I'd rather she wasn't in a car with lots of other people like that, the safety worries me" or something.

The second, I would tell the teacher but make it clear that the girl DOESN'T want her to know so the teacher needs to handle it sensitively and pretend she noticed it herself.

[moondog]

I deal with the first a lot having two small children and spending a lot of time abroad with dh.
I just refuse for them to go in a car like this.

Second should be reported.Int. schools run on similar lines to UK ones.

[suedonim]

On the first point, I had no idea dd was going to be going anywhere. As far as I knew, the two girls were spending the afternoon together at home. But, apparently, all these other girls later materialised and off they went. I suppose at least they were acommpanied by adults - the friend and her sister have five nannies. We've been fighting a war in recent months to avoid giving dd2 a mobile phone (dd sneaked into our bed at 3am to 'talk about about phones' ) but I'm beginning to change my mind....

I see I'm going to have to be more determined about the precise arrangements in future, and make sure I know exactly what's happening. It's so hard when you're dependent on your driver and can't just zoom off as required at a moment's notice - it's like living with your parents and having to ask for a lift!

I will talk to dd's teacher about the bullied girl, you've made me see it's the right thing to do. Ime, the culture here is one of pervasive bullying in many walks of life but in this instance I can do something about it.

[suedonim]

Ooh, how rude! I forgot to say 'Thank you'!

[suedonim]

I spoke to dd's teacher this morning. She was glad I'd told her and will tackle the issue of bullying.

[Budababe]

Good news about the bullying issue. DS is also at an international school here in Budapest and they take bullying VERY seriously.

Re: the car thing. I would mention it to the parents of the other girl. Say you are not happy about your DD travelling in that way and could they call you next time so you can come and get her. I would say something like "I trust your driving but it's everyone else on the roads that I worry about".

Understand about the driver thing too - had the same in Vietnam. What does your driver do when you are not using him? Mine used to just hand around until we got him a pager and paged him (this was before mobile phones). Could you have him on standby when your DD is at someone's house in case you need to go and get her.

[suedonim]

Bb, I will have to say something to the parents and will use the 'other drivers are idiots' line. Luckily I have some time to pluck up the courage as it's usually a nanny who picks them up from school.

Our driver is excellent, fortunately; it's the general hassle of traffic, mobile phone networks being down and so on that makes transport difficult at times. I'm going out this morning which will be interesting as the A/C in the car (which is a temporary one as our usual jalopy is being repaired after an accident) has broken, and it seems to be blowing out hot air, lol! Oh, and there's a fuel shortage here as well. Sigh....

[Budababe]

You make me SO happy we moved to a more developed country!!!!

Brings back memories of my 6 years in Vietnam and the things that would be sent to "try" me!!

[suedonim]

Six years! That's a long time. What's it like in Vietnam? Are you with the Diplomatic folks?

[ghosty]

Why a driver suedonim? Just being nosey ...

Glad you sorted the bullying thing ... international schools are generally run similarly to British/American ways aren't they?

[Budababe]

No not diplomatic - DH is an accountant with one of the big firms.

Went to Vietnam for 2 years and stayed for 6. Hated it at first - really struggled. But then sat down and worked out what I hated - tried to eliminate as much of it as poss. Stayed another 4 years!

Then went to Bulgaria for 3 years. Then here to Budapest 2.5 years ago.

[suedonim]

The driving here is dreadful, Ghosty, and dh's company forbids expats to drive. All road rules are merely guidelines, I suspect - stuff like going through red traffic lights, driving the wrong way along dual carriageways, tailgating, undertaking, stopping wherever it takes your fancy. Then there are the vehicles without lights, the ones lurching to one side with broken suspensions, others carrying excessive loads and so on. Also, there are the traffic blocks to negotiate, when police try to extract money for imagined misdemeanours, street sellers, beggars and so on. It's a jungle out there!

Yes, the schools are run on UK lines but dd's school has an overwhelming majority of Nigerian children and a lot of local staff so the culture is a bit different to other international schools. Dd's coped really well with settling in and is now House Captain so gets to wear a nice shiny badge!

BB, you've been around! I've noticed accountancy firms out here like KMPG - I'm sure they'd have a job for you if you fancy a change. Dd's at school with the ds of the owner of one of the biggest banks in Nigeria. He comes to school with an armed policeman.

[Budababe]

No thanks Suedonim! If you notice I have gradually moved towards "civilisation"!

Actually more importantly I have moved closer to home. Now 2.5 hour flight back to Dublin.

DH's next options are Prague, Warsaw or Russia (I am saying NO to Russia) but tbh I don't want to move. Fed up going through the whole "new girl in town", finding out where everything is and how things work. Have done my bit I think!

[moondog]

I loved Russia.
Do you work BB,or have you in these places?

[suedonim]

Ikwym, Budababe. We've moved loads of time, although only twice outside the UK, and it does get wearing, starting over all the time.

[Budababe]

Moondog - couldn't work in Bangkok - no permit but edited a club magazine. Worked part-time in Vietnam.

Went to Bulgaria with 7wk old DS so didn't work. Not working here.

[shimmy21]

The traffic thing is the same in dh's country. Dh's family are educated and very intelligent but they have routinely driven all their children in the front seat of the car on mum's lap without a seat belt. I have often tried to point out why it's not the best idea and they've always said 'if we crash I'll hold the baby' (yes I know that the mum's weight would actually kill the babe ) but there is just no telling these intelligent people who love their children desperately. In the end I have just resorted to being the eccentric foreigner who has 'issues' about car safety and they are tolerant of my little foibles - so my children always get car seats and seat belts and they get to laugh at me behind my back. So - everybody is happy.

Now just don't get me started on drinking and driving ...