I am so homesick

(23 Posts)
waitingforsomething Thu 12-May-16 02:34:14

2 months in new location. Only here for a year with husbands job but I really hate it. It's hot, I'm trying hard with new friends but it's early days so no 'proper' friends yet. I miss my old job. I miss my friends and I miss my mum. the earliest I can return home is next Feb so there's no point dwelling but it's affecting my sleep, happiness and starting to make me resentful of my husband. My 3 year old has settled at school and my other is just a baby so I don't need to worry about them. I just find it relentless and lonely and I wish I'd never agreed to this I knew I'd feel like this.

ChipsandGuac Thu 12-May-16 02:44:19

Oh no! Homesickness and the feeling of unsettlement is horrible! I always think it takes at least a year or two to truly settle into a new country and you don't have that.

I guess, on the upside, you only have 10 mo to go. That's like one pregnancy...nothing at all! wink I know it's hard but you might find it easier if you just accept you're there albeit for a pretty short amount of time. Try and see it as a very long holiday and just knuckle down and get on with it. Make the most of the times DH is around to get out as a family and do as much as possible.

And keep telling yourself you can do it. It's just 10 months! Good luck! flowers

Catinthecorner Thu 12-May-16 02:49:59

You're in the worst bit; out of the adventure into the mundane day-to-day, can't use 'our stuff will come soon' as an excuse for not feeling settled.

It does get better. But, it does take effort. You will have to put yourself out there.

Can you say where you are - there might be someone here in the same place

Longdistance Thu 12-May-16 02:54:21

I've been there myself op. It was the most awful 2 years of my life sad

I really couldn't get to grips with the change, but mainly the not working. I was in my last job 15 years, and started working when I was 16, so didn't know any different.

It was a very lonely time for me too. Just kept wishing the days away until I could go 'home'.

Have you joined any groups yourself? Just for you? Not baby/toddler groups but a book club or a fitness group. That was the only other thing that kept me sane.

Thank god it's only a year. Can you go back ahead of him like Christmas time or new year? That'll come round quick.

Hope it gets better for you flowers

VimFuego101 Thu 12-May-16 03:03:19

So it's definitely temporary? I would set yourself some new challenges to pass the time. Learn a new skill? What are your plans for when you move on? But the fact that your kids are settled and happy means you've already achieved a lot.

MyFriendsCallMeOh Thu 12-May-16 03:27:18

Ok so you're there til February, what are you going to fill the next 10 months with? What are you going to do for yourself? Voluntary work? Mums groups? Learn a new skill? Join a gym, book club or yoga class? Look on Facebook and meetup for groups, adult education for training. Don't let this drag on, make the most of it (and bear in mind that 2 months in is a low point for most expats).

ToastedOrFresh Thu 12-May-16 04:10:27

I can relate to how you are feeling.

I moved to an English speaking country over five years ago. I've settled to the extent that I'm likely to. I was over joyed at the two and half year mark as I only had two and a half years to go. I coped by counting. I counted the days that made the weeks. The weeks that made the months that eventually made the years.

By the mid point, I had less to do that I'd already done.

I've struggled to find work here, only getting temporary jobs that have been few and far between.

As for making friends, um, lets not go there. I understand if you want a friend, be a friend. I would like to point out that making friends is a two way street.

I've got involved i.e. voluntary work, community projects etc but I've only made acquaintances, not friends. They are very cliquey here.

As a pp has pointed out, next February is 'only' ten months away. I realise right now, as far as you are concerned, it might as well be a lifetime.

I came to something that I was imagining other things that took a long time, as a pp has remarked, that's how long it takes a pregnancy to go full term (as you already know.) Some people follow a course of study for years etc.

I am buoyed up by the fact that we are returning to the UK later this year. That in itself will take some courage as we swap certainty for uncertainty. However we can't carry on as we are. We need to get back to Britain and reconnect with the real world.

waitingforsomething Thu 12-May-16 05:49:01

Thanks guys. It is temporary for sure. I could go back at xmas but our house is rented out until early March and it's a long time for Dh and kids not to see each other. Feb is ahead of him anyway!
I know I have to accept it and I am but almost by accepting it I feel trapped. I'm really not a 'leave the country' type. Ive never lived abroad, ive lived in the same city since I was tiny but have taken a lot of holidays.
Doing a course or a skill is a good idea I'll look into that. Id like to get better at maths so that could be a possibility.
Ive joined a baby group and met nice people but as anyone knows friendships aren't immediate so they are still acquaintances, wish I know I should expect no one can be your best friend immediately.
I really really want to be able to just get stuck in and have the best time but I'm just not good at this

InTheSandPit Thu 12-May-16 06:02:01

Where are you, waiting? If you can put down a country, you might get some country specific advice.
You get used to the temperature (tho I havnt done a full summer yet, but 40 this time round is OK. Hot yes, but I don't melt the second I walk out of the door), so if give it time for that adjustment.
Honestly, for 10 months, I wouldn't focus on a best mate, get a friendship group and stay in touch with people at home.
An online maths course sounds good.
Would a trip home over the worst of the summer help? I know many Mums and kids go back home from the Middle East to avoid the brutal summer heat. If your somewhere similar, you may find the place empties out July /Aug.

Your not trapped. You've got a great opportunity! Would trying to think of it like that help?

flowerscakebrew

waitingforsomething Thu 12-May-16 06:09:14

Thanks inthesandpit I am in Singapore. It's a nice country I know, i just love my home!
I'm in touch with home friends but in some ways it makes it worse. I k ow they'll be there in 10 months and focussing on a group of mates will be a good idea.
I did actually manage to make one friend who I clicked with but she's goingn back to Oz next week as she hates it here so that doesn't help!

waitingforsomething Thu 12-May-16 06:09:39

I would like to go home but I won't want to go back again grin

KP86 Thu 12-May-16 06:25:34

As someone who moved to the UK last year, this is what I did.

Find Mum and toddler groups and go regularly.

Explore your surroundings with baby in the pram. Go walking or jump on a train and go somewhere different for the day.

Singapore has really strict working rules for expats, but if you are allowed, look for an easy local job like cafe or supermarket. It's a way of meeting others and being an adult for a few hours per week, even if it's not particularly challenging work. Working made a HUGE difference to my mental health.

You will adjust to the heat. Until then, visit air conditioned shopping centres a lot!

12 months will fly by. The first 6-8 weeks are by far the hardest IMO.

MyFriendsCallMeOh Thu 12-May-16 12:35:53

And look up the two fat expats, they talk about living a fat expat life.

If you're in Singapore, approach the new mothers support group, lots of talks, coffees and events for mums with little ones. I used to run it til I left Singapore and it's still going strong.

waitingforsomething Thu 12-May-16 12:53:38

yeah I did try and get involved with the NMSG but it seems to be really good for people with one baby but not if they've another that they are looking after too I asked to go to an event with my baby and daughter who was 3 and 4 months at the time and they said I couldn't come along because she was too old - only to 36 months. Put me off a bit to be honest as I had no where else for her to go at the time!

MyFriendsCallMeOh Thu 12-May-16 13:05:45

Oh no that's terrible, we used to welcome everyone up to school age (and beyond during the school holidays). So sorry to hear that, I'm annoyed on your behalf.

Mums at work is a great resource for training networking and part time / flexi jobs, you should be able to work pt on your dependent pass if you wanted. I also did my austwim teacher training in Singapore, loved it.

Will you meet people at kids swim lessons or at your condo pool? It's daunting walking up to strangers and saying hi but I've met most of my best friends that way. Does your eldest go to preschool / nursery?

Fedupagain1975 Thu 12-May-16 13:11:04

We were in Singapore for 4 years and loved it! But I do remember the first six months were hard especially the 2 month mark. My DDs were older so I met my friend through school but most of the mum's with younger kids met their friend through hanging out at the pool or the condo playground. Have you thought about The British club? You can get a summer membership there and they have loads of events for kids your age especially Christmas time. Also loads of events for parents!
It does get better! Try and head out most morning to different places, there is so much to do and see, and it will make you feel better.

specialsubject Thu 12-May-16 14:46:53

On ly been on holiday but so much to see and do, excellent transport and oh, the food! Be a tourist with plenty of air con breaks. Beach not far away, amazing greenery ...enjoy!

ChopsticksandChilliCrab Sun 15-May-16 03:45:05

I am in Singapore and agree finding friends is very difficult. I have made a few friends over the years but they have all left now. Expat life can be lonely.

A few suggestions for you- try the various children's activities at Tanglin Mall. You will meet a lot of British mums there. The American Women's Association AWA are a friendly bunch, and it doesn't cost much to join. The British Association is also pretty cheap to join and does activities for small tots. Both these clubs have websites- take a look and see if anything appeals.

waitingforsomething Tue 14-Jun-16 05:45:20

Thanks for all your advice. Ive tried a few things and still am but still don't think I'm made to be an expat.
Both my kids are sick at the moment one with tonsilitis and one with a chest infection. Been up all night for 2 nights and it just feels so much harder without a support network.
There's not much I can do about beingn here now - just trying to think day by day instead of how much time I have left.

TerrorAustralis Wed 15-Jun-16 04:17:44

I'm in Singapore too, and really struggled with the first few months. It's also our first expat posting (but open ended) and I felt very isolated and alone. It was only after some other lovely mumsnetters reached out to me that I started to meet people and get a bit of a grip on my situation.

I'm happy to meet up for a coffee if you'd like. Where are you located?

I'd recommend against counting down. Try to focus on the experience, especially if it is really a once in a lifetime thing. Get out to do things that SG has to offer (maybe not today with the pissing rain and lightning...) I found getting out to different free play areas with my DS (2.5 at the time) really helped before we found our routine. Hanging around our flat was just a bit depressing.

Sorry to hear about your experience with the mums group. But please try some others. I know there are lots of things for mums and kids on Meetup.com. There are also mum and baby exercise classes that you could take your youngest to when the older DC is in school.

There's Coffee and Chat at the Jen Hotel at Tanglin on Thursday mornings. I haven't been but I know many who have and it's a great way to meet people. Are you on Facebook? There are loads of different Singapore groups and if you post on there suggesting a playdate/playgroup you will get people jumping at the opportunity. There are other mums out there feeling lonely and bored at home too.

Also, plan some trips while you're here to take advantage of the cheap and close travel. Malaysia, Thailand, Vietnam, Cambodia, Indonesia are all close and have a lot to offer. You can have whatever type of holiday you prefer (relaxing, active, cheap, luxury). Even Japan is only a 6 hour flight and it's amazing. It will give you things to look forward to in the shorter term.

waitingforsomething Wed 15-Jun-16 07:24:20

In the Novena area. Thanks, that's kid of you. I didn't know about the coffee and chat at the Jen Hotel, perhaps I will go along to that.
I have managed to meet a few mums here and there, I'm just used to having more friends around me and family and when kids are little you meet for like an hour and that's it.

I guess it's the 'proper' friend thing I miss. At home DH would often need to do a bit of extra work in the evenings so he'd keep an ear on the kids and I'd go and meet a friend for a drink/dinner/catch up. Here he still needs to do the work but I've no one to meet!! I know these things take time, but the few people I have met have babies and are still bfeeding so going out not so easy.

TerrorAustralis Thu 16-Jun-16 06:09:45

I know what you mean. I only started properly getting to know some friends once I was able to go out in the evenings. I formed some firm friendships when I joined a wine book club. Kid-centric meet ups are always short and you can't have a proper conversation without being interrupted every 2 minutes.

There are lots of evening meet ups too. Some Facebook groups that have regular evening meet ups include Stork's Nest (they call it Mama Needs Wine) and 40 and Fab Singapore Mums (you might not be that old though!). There was also a group called First Thursdays that met every month, but I think that might have died.

This time of year can be a bit quiet because a lot of people go home for a long summer holiday, so there might not be as much happening as usual, but there are still things happening.

waitingforsomething Thu 16-Jun-16 08:49:23

Thanks so much I'll seek the mama needs wine group. I'm only 30 so I don't suppose I'll fit into the 40+ group! Thanks for letting me know smile

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now