Failed expat - advice on future, what decisions to make please

[FailedExpat]

Sorry, I've had to NC for this as I don't want to out myself.

I'm a failed expat - after living overseas for a number of years I have now left 2 expat postings after a few months, taking kids back to UK with me, leaving DH working away.

Current position was supposed to be long-term and we were going to rejoin DH in the summer. Now his employer has decided that all international staff will be on obligatory rotation, with no say in the process of deciding where the next posting will be, when your time in one place is up you have to go to the next place. Refuse and you will be terminated, no negotiation.

I am not well travelled (in spite of living overseas for 10 years in the past), and therefore do not have such a high tolerance of places where I would be prepared to go (could be any country in the world, most likely developing).

DH would have to keep rotating for a minimum of around 6 years probably more before being allowed to no longer rotate and hopefully getting a European posting. We have a very large family with children ranging from teenager to toddler.

What would you do in this situation? Stay in the UK until rotation is done and accept seeing DH for only 6 weeks a year? Follow him and hope for the best?

Any constructive advice or suggestions gratefully received! Thanks.

[TakesTwoToTango]

Can DH get a new job?

[FailedExpat]

Haha the obvious answer right?!

In his sector the vast majority of employers are doing the same thing with the rotation, and jobs are difficult to find and then get. He is looking and asking around. He is loathe to leave the sector as the conditions are good and while money isn't everything (we really aren't materialistic at all, nor living the high life by any stretch!), there are certain benefits of the job that are worth their weight in gold even though they are not monetary...

[TakesTwoToTango]

I only asked to get a clearer idea of the situation. Also, you mentioned having to do about 6 yrs of rotation before getting a Europe based job. I my industry, moving to a different employer can be a way to progress up the promotion chain than staying out and working you way up in one organisation. Is that a possibility at all? Doesn't remove the issue but potentially contracts the timeline a bit? Or is there an additional qualification he can take to accelerate his career progression?

[JewelFairies]

Do you have family and friends in the UK? What would be best for the dc for the next six years? Would they be more settled in one place? How about schooling?
Those would be my considerations.
Slightly different circumstances but I've just come back to the UK because that's what works best as a family in the long run. dd1 hasn't forgiven me yet, she wanted to stay abroad...

[chloeb2002]

I think the only option if you value your marriage is to go with it. The kids will learn and benefit from the experience and the family unit?
Trying to look on a plus.
I guess different but similar is that my dh has a job involving him traveling most weeks to Friday.
He can't change job, job pays the bills. We just adapt and change to the situation.

[tomandizzymum]

I'm not going to say either way as both options have many pros and cons. I am currently an expat living and settled in DH's home country. So I know the ups and downs of living abroad.

Now he occasionally works remotely and has his own business but for over 10 years he was a contract engineer. Work can vary from 3 months to a year and is extremely well paid, so we had to suck it up and go with it. We have four children and when the oldest were little it was a good life. Most postings were in North and South America or Europe. So we didn't need to make lifestyle changes and the children were little, so moving was no biggie and it was great experience.

When my oldest was 6 we felt it was time to make a serious decision and the postings were increasingly in Africa and the Middle East. We decided to make the decision for me and the children to make the UK our base and he carried on travelling.

It was not easy, it was a life on hold and it got too much. We broke in the end and couldn't do it. He managed to secure a couple of longer positions in the USA and we considered moving, but in the end we gave it all up and settled in his country (because the children didn't speak his language) and to have the normal life that we started craving.

Whatever decision you make doesn't need to be permanant and see how it goes. As someone who has been there and done that, it is good at first but it gets really old, really really fast. The tears at the front door whenever he went away again got beyond breaking my heart. The lonely parents evenings, school plays, friends houses, football matches. He missed out and so did the children.

[sanfairyanne]

we came back to the uk because of a similar change. couldnt be arsed with it all when we had kids to think about. its fine. we are happy and settled.

[FragileBrittleStar]

how long are the rotations likely to be?
If they are short-term what would you do re schools in any case- eg will the children end up having to go to school in the uk so it would be a chocie to be with dh or children?

[FailedExpat]

Thanks for the reponses, it's really nice to get an outside perspective on the matter.

TakesTwo - DH is maxed out qualification wise, doing a PhD would have no benefit really and would bore him to tears I think after years in the workplace! Promotion is going to be based upon rotation. It is not impossible to change employer, and certainly if he could get a non-rotating post in the sector, it would be great, we are realistic about the chance being slim tough. He is networking like crazy trying to explore all possibilities.

Jewel - yes we are here in the UK close to my family. The children are very settled and everyone is happy with their school. Oldest child is 13 so gives you an idea of when we are going to hit tricky school years.

Chloe - that is what DH is doing now, working away during the week, coming here at weekends. It is fine this way, no problem, however the next posting will certainly not be in Europe so we will be back to where we were before which is coming back during annual leave only i.e. 6 weeks a year.

Tomandizzy - thanks for sharing, I can certainly relate to some of the things you say. Glad to hear you managed to get settled. I feel like life is on hold indefinitely!

San - how long have you been back and is your DH still working away?

Fragile - rotations are going to be anything from 6 years max to 2 years max. 2 years being for non family places (think war zones!) and 6 years for the best places. Employer grades the cities, however the grading is pretty optimistic and there are some places that even extremely experienced expats wouldn't fancy for 6 years. A person will have to stay for at least half of the duration so for 6 years, a minimum of 3, however there is no guarantee of them finding you a change before your max duration had been reached IYSWIM.

[castlesintheair]

We were going to do what you are currently doing (me back to UK with DCs) but even though we wouldn't have the same huge separations that you will face, in the end we couldn't face being apart for even 3 weeks at a time. My eldest is 13 too so I know the agonies you face over education/lifestyle at that age. We aren't in our ideal place educationally or socially but we have decided to try and make the most of it and at least all be together.

Can you wait and see where your first posting is and then make your decision? It sounds really hard. You have my sympathy.

[butterfliesinmytummy]

This sounds really harsh op, I feel for you. Does your dh's employer not take family into consideration? If you could get a longer-term posting in a family zone, would that work? It sounds really tough, expecting your dh to spend years in a place that his family can't go. Where are these locations? Are there no compounds for families? Is he likely to come to harm in these war zones? Even military have tours of duty when they are located in war zones - no-one would expect them to be away for 6 years straight. What is his industry?

If you could get a more family friendly posting for 6 years, would you consider it or have you come to the conclusion that you wouldn't be prepared to live overseas again?

[CoffeeToffee]

Would you be in places with decent schools. 13 is old to be chopping and changing schools. I presume they would have to do the IB if you lived abroad? It sounds a very difficult situation.

If you remained in the UK I presume they would pay for regular trips for him to fly home as they would be saving so much on housing and school fees.

You would also be able to fly out and spend all the school holidays with him. Although with a 'very large' family that might be problematic.

It sounds pretty rubbish though. I'm suprised a company would be so family unfriendly. I

[AggressiveBunting]

I would defer the decision until the location of the first rotation is decided.

Personally, I would not live in shit hole for 2 years (e.g. Lagos, Riyad) especially as would involve 13 yr old changing school during key times and there's no guarantee that the next place won't be similar - life's too short, or I'm too old - one or the other.

Would however do a 6 year stint somewhere reasonable, by which I mean which is reasonably safe and has compensating factors (e.g. South Africa, fine - Sudan, not fine).

[AggressiveBunting]

The other alternative of course is that you accompany DH with the younger ones, and send the older ones (secondary age) to board in the Uk, somewhere close to your family. Is that financially viable?

[Athrawes]

Obviously the schooliing is an issue but you could home school them? Apart from the schooling I think it's an awesome opportunity - it feels hard because it's not what you had in your life plan but maybe you need to look on the positive side and think about all the good things - the chance for the children to grow up as a really supportive team, see and experience different countries and cultures in more than a superficial way. Seriously if my DH had this chance I'd jump at it.

[DessertOrDesert]

Could you manage more than 6 weeks a year together? I guess it would depend on quite where he is based, but you and the kids would also have 13 weeks of school holidays (I assume you don't work?), and could go and visit DH for some of those - if you went out for 2 weeks at Christmas, 2 weeks at Easter, and 2 weeks in the summer, and DH came back for 2 weeks at a time, including the 3 half terms, might that work?

We are in the middle of accepting an offer to a place that I suspect would be on many peoples "avoid" list, and are going to see what life without me WOH is like.

Good luck whatever you decide.

[Christinayang1]

We recently came home after a few years away... 3 years Dubai and then 3 years far east My dh got offered another posting, well told really, and we decided to come home. My ds is 10 and I wanted stability for him, it was an amazing time but you are always saying goodbye to people, you never own the property you are living in and sometimes you just want the familiar around you

How do your do feel? I'm not sure I would move a 13 year old unless they were keen