We had a talk about moving back home.

(67 Posts)
Longdistance Thu 20-Jun-13 12:53:40

Well, as some of you may know, I've been miserable here in Oz the entire time since we came over. It was my h's decision to move over and I feel there was a lot of pressure on me to move even though I wasn't unhappy.

A lot of decisions have been made for me, and it's made me a very bitter and angry person. I'm so miserable here, and have told him this several times. It has in the past fallen on deaf ears.

Today, I had to again ask to see the rental accounts for our house back in the Uk, as this is making over £700 profit each month, and I haven't seen a penny in the 20 months we've been here hmm

So, I got to see them, and apparently we've also been getting dividends on the shares he secretly has and hasn't told me. That's another thread. I could only see the last few months accounts, but am still dubious as to what he's done with the money.

I mentioned to him, that he needed to show me the accounts more than twice in 20 months as the house is ours, not his, as it was pre engagement and me selling my house at a massive profit is to why we now have a tiny mortgage. I then mentioned that it wasn't financially viable to be here, as the one wage he's on is not enough, and me working in my profession doesn't pay very well here, and that gets soaked up in childcare fees.

We never have any money, and seem really poor to what we had in the Uk. He's not had a pay rise since we've been here either. Going out for dinner is a major treat now, as before we'd go out weekly.

I didn't like his comment, as he said that I hadn't given it a chance. It's been nearly two years, and I think that's long enough being miserable. It has effected our marriage, and my gp suggested counseling. I said I've achieved the grand sum of chuff all being here, and I have tried to go out and meet people, through groups taking dd's to swimming, gymnastics, and don't ask about the playgroup <shudders>

I currently have a broken leg, and have had surgery on it. It has been dreadful, and very stressful for all of us, as we not have sil to help at weekends, and occasionally a friend miles away can have our girls for a day whilst dh goes to work. It's been awful, and has highlighted how much I really miss the Uk and all the support we had there.

The resentment towards my h is incredible. I'm so angry with him, and I'm someone who is told I'm always happy, and in a good mood.

He did query how we'd pay for a container, but I really don't care how. I want to go back home and get some work, see my family, my friends, and stop paying ridiculous amounts in rent, and healthcare.

Sorry, that was epic, but he's finally acknowledged that I want to go home. It's taken long enough.

Longdistance Mon 01-Jul-13 02:40:16

Sounds like a plan Savoy smile

Aww, Mos your poor dc sad if they're not happy either, than a happy mummy/ dc are so important. This cold weather's not much fun a night either. As soon as the sun's gone down, it's miserable here.
Your h sounds like a right one hmm don't know how you put up with living in the same house. You need a medal.

I know if I go back, I'll have a barrage of help, where as here I have h, who's useless, and sil, who I see at the weekends, but has teen boys herself. It's very lonely here. I have another sil, but she's like a fart, wafts in and out when she feels like it.

AdoraBell Mon 01-Jul-13 03:11:13

Hi Longdistance I remember another thread of yours, sorry to see that your leg isn't healed yet. Going back with your brother sounds like a good plan, leg permitting.

Fingers crossed for you, and Mosman and Savoy

long

I really felt for you in your OP.

We moved back to NZ last December after 15 years in the UK. I had told DH about six months prior that I was ready to leave but that I would wait for him, I did not want to pressure him and have him resent me for leaving 'too soon' or before he had reached a specific career goal. He came to his own decision and surprised me with it totally.

Even though my family were great about travelling 95% of the time it was just me/us with no extra support. We were entirely self-reliant and I would get the girls to school and me to work on my own, sometimes DH would help out if he had a late start at work etc.

It is so wonderful to be back in our home country. My DD's see their grandparents several times a week, I have babysitting when needed, a fantastic community we can plug into permanently and great schools. Financially we would be better off in the UK and the shopping here is shit average but you know where your heart is happiest.

DH has had a hugely stressful first six months changing career, steep learning curve and long hours, he has been run down and (I think) mildly depressed. Luckily we are able to talk about this all and we still agrees we have done the best thing for our girls and us too (long term)

I hope you can start making plans to move back soon, and also hope that your leg heals quickly.

JustinBsMum Mon 22-Jul-13 10:42:55

Most bank accounts are accessible online. Can you get the password out of DH, then you can check any time.

giggly Mon 22-Jul-13 23:06:36

Hello Perth mums, sorry to say but I am in the middle of a trip back to Scotland and it is fabulous. We have only been in Oz for 11 months but booked this trip in Feb as I was utterly miserable and could'nt see any light at the end of the tunnel.

It sounds like the classic case of the cracks in relationships which are manageable within our old settled lives with extended family/friends are just to obvious without any distractions. Not sure if that makes sense, all I know is that after 23 years with dh I would happily let him return to Oz on his own.

The one thing this trip has made clear is that I don't like Perth, never have and never will for too many reasons to list and that for the next year going to move down south before heading back here.

My mantra is, it's only money and we will recoup some before coming back.

Lets have a leaving party!!!!!!!!!

Oh giggly, sorry to hear you're so miserable here in Perth.. (And longdistance too..) But do remember the good weather's so rare in the UK, I think it's easy to take it for granted over here (she says typing through a massive rainstorm outside!), I know it's seriously hot in the summer but the blue skies are just sooooo blue, and so big and wide! We've been here a year now, and will stay if we can sort out visas.. Friends and family are a big issue, but (sorry to them!) not enough to bring us back, as we wouldn't be able to live near 90% of them anyway. Maybe things will be different for us after a few years, but who knows.. You've both/all given it a go, you need to seek your happiness, but don't put off too many other people from coming over here - some people like it! wink

Longdistance Tue 23-Jul-13 15:48:50

Ravenous, I don't know if I put in any of my posts here, that I really couldn't give a shit about the weather tbh. I'm easy. In fact I hate the summers here. I sweat like an idiot, shower 3 times a day, the air con pumps out cold, but still can't enjoy that heat. Its too bloody much, and expensive to boot.
I really didn't like my h's comment about me not giving it a go. 2 years in October, and I'm still pining for the Uk. I even did an order from Debenhams today, as the

clothes here are hideous. But, that's me probably being
picky.

Now, you'll all love this little gem today...Fuckwit comeshome from work, and declares at the dinner table that he has the forms for pr shock [anger]
Couldhe be anymore fucking stupid?
After everything I said.
I've got a right mind to see a solicitor about divorce,
and declare that at the dinner table.

AdoraBell Tue 23-Jul-13 15:53:52

I can understand your anger Long, but if you do decide to see about a divorce keep it quiet úntil you're back where you want to bewink.

Oh dear Long. Sorry to hear he thinks that his plans trump all.
What the hell is he thinking bringing home the forms for PR. I'd have probably burst into tears and ran from the room in dramatic fashion.

Mosman Sat 03-Aug-13 10:25:07

That's true, it's no good divorcing in Australia you'll get fuck all.
How's the packing/selling going ?
I am so over Perth it's not funny, am seriously considering a transfer to Sydney and coming home once a fortnight for a long weekend or something just to make it bearable.
Failing that I feel I should travel as much as possible to tick the boxes in Australia because I ain't coming back.

AdoraBell Thu 08-Aug-13 03:34:13

How are things?

Can I come home too? hmm

Longdistance Thu 08-Aug-13 05:59:52

Of course Tallulahbelle! wink

Well, I've not got far with the selling. We have a rental inspection next week, and the house is really unorganized in a state since I broke my leg.

I'm still under physio, which us taking longer than expected, and still have my crutches. So, hoping to be off them soon. This rains not much fun, was hoping to do a swap market car boot soon to make money. There's a few things that can go on gumtree soon.

You'll all be pleased to know, that I haven't signed the forms for pr.

We're going on holiday to Thailand in 4 weeks time. We had it booked for April, but then I broke my stupid leg. And my lovely lovely db is coming just after holiday, and hopefully celebrate dd1's 4th Birthday, and help me out.

Its really hard, as am home 3 days on my own with dds, and as I can't drive yet, can't go anywhere. I've been getting cabin fever. I'm sure inmates in a prison get more visitors than I do confused

Mos, good luck with your venture, and hold off trying to bat the h with the frying pan lol.

Tottie24 Mon 12-Aug-13 20:23:35

I've been abroad for the last 13 years, at least the last 6 starting to want to come back, the last 2 really desperately. I have now decided that I am coming back with the children as soon as I have sold the house and hopefully my business too - DH can do what he wants - I'm hoping he will come (I think) but I cant wait any longer for him. I'm a bit scared but also feel liberated .... I'M COMING HOME!!!! Praying for a sale before Christmas!

Mosman Tue 13-Aug-13 04:14:50

This latest thing with charging the 457 holders $4,000 each for school fees has pushed me over the edge I'm applying for places at the kids old schools and if we don't get them I'll home educate - it couldn't be worse than what they've received here - $4,000 for being given fucking printed worksheets, every single day to he completed before heading out to the playing fields rain or shine to do three hours of bloody sport. It's the cheek of it that gets me grrrrr

ifink Tue 13-Aug-13 04:46:46

Hi Mos, I might be wrong but a friend of mine in WA seems to think the charge for state school only applies to new 457 visa holders?? At least that's what she told me with a huge sigh of relief! Worth checking out

Longdistance Tue 13-Aug-13 05:27:32

I've come for a moan again lol.

My oldest was up last night, and dh wasn't that bothered about her screaming. I went downstairs to check her, as I'm still very slow and stiff with my leg being dodgy. Went to calm her down, well she's got an ear infection. It's lucky I don't leave him to do much childcare as she'd suffer in his hands, useless article. So, I've had to drive her to the doctors, and I'm not allowed to drive yet, as don't have anyone to help me out. Luckily it's not too far away, but dh wouldn't help sort it out, so really goes to show he doesn't care.

Fed up of being here doing everything myself. We've got a rental inspection tomorrow, and he hasn't done half of what I told him to do with regards to the garden. I'll have to be the one to explain to rental agent my dh is a lazy arse! Sigh...

Mosman Tue 13-Aug-13 05:52:20

That's not my understand ifink, my school is rubbing their hands together in glee ... They already charge us $500 in voluntary my arse fees.

SanityClause Tue 13-Aug-13 06:47:38

Oh you poor thing! I'm Australian, and frankly, I couldn't wait to get out of there. I've been back twice in more than 20 years, and while it's lovely to see people, I have never been sad to leave.

When I'm in Australia, I feel stuck.

I remember my family going on (and on and on) about the bloody weather when I first came here to the UK. I soon told them there are more things than weather. Anyway, we never had that magic of snow in Australia. We never really had Autumn, and that wonderful hope of Spring. Christmas is far more magical when it's dark and cold. So, Summer is a bit unreliable? Umm, pop to Spain for a couple of weeks?

The main trouble, of course, is that your H is acting like an arse. You need to get some good legal advice about the Hague convention. Can you just take the DC with you and go? I don't know the answer to this (and maybe you already do) but it's what I would want to know.

I am just shock that he brought back those PR forms, when he knew how miserable you are. Why does he want to stay? What is keeping him there? Obviously, he has some family, and it sounds like some friends from work. But if he is working all the hours god sends, then that's not much fun. I really think you need to get to the bottom of this.

WhataSook Tue 13-Aug-13 08:31:53

Is it possible Long that your H is just wanting to get PR so that if you decide later down the track to go back (or your DC want to) that you are able to?

I've decided to stay in the UK and get ILR now but I've not told anyone (DH still thinks the plan is to move home next year) as once I say it out loud then it's real and I might be stuck here for that length of time. So I'm telling myself that if I'm still here next year I'll apply for ILR and then the year after if we're still here I'll apply for citizenship. But that will be 7 years being here and that thought makes me want to pack up and move home tomorrow!

Could you say to your H that you'll fill the forms out but still intend to go home at the end of the year. You may get back to the UK and think actually now I've seen home and my family and friends for a few months I could go back to and stick it out until you get PR??

Roshbegosh Wed 14-Aug-13 06:17:00

longdistance how are you today? How's the leg? Hope you are feeling a bit better and able to focus on making plans x

SanityClause Wed 14-Aug-13 22:42:07

Don't get PR if you want to leave, as it may well make a difference to your children's status under the Hague convention, if you want to return to the UK with them, and he doesn't.

I'm not trying to say LTB, I'm just saying, don't burn your bridges!

Longdistance Thu 15-Aug-13 01:55:14

Thanks for asking Rosh my legs getting better day by day, very slowly unfortunately. I've ditched the crutches as they get in the way now, but my leg still gets swollen like a balloon after I've been on my feet all day.

Sanity my exact reasons for not applying for pr is so I can come and go. I don't want o be 'stuck' here if the shit hits the fan.

On a lighter note, my gorgeous dm asked when we were coming home, I mentioned it to dh, and he said in a few months after Thailand we can all go back to the Uk. I told him I may not come back to Oz, his face was a picture, like my comment was a surprise confused

Longdistance Thu 15-Aug-13 10:41:13

OMFG!!!! shock shock

Dh has just been told he's being made redundant. We are now going back to the Uk as I haven't settled here. Hurrah!

His company have to oblige flights and container, and he's gonna see what he can get out of them for dragging us here.

No details as of yet, but told dh to warn tenants we are coming back.

echt Thu 15-Aug-13 10:59:18

Sorted. grin

All the very best, Longdistance

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