We had a talk about moving back home.

(67 Posts)
Longdistance Thu 20-Jun-13 12:53:40

Well, as some of you may know, I've been miserable here in Oz the entire time since we came over. It was my h's decision to move over and I feel there was a lot of pressure on me to move even though I wasn't unhappy.

A lot of decisions have been made for me, and it's made me a very bitter and angry person. I'm so miserable here, and have told him this several times. It has in the past fallen on deaf ears.

Today, I had to again ask to see the rental accounts for our house back in the Uk, as this is making over £700 profit each month, and I haven't seen a penny in the 20 months we've been here hmm

So, I got to see them, and apparently we've also been getting dividends on the shares he secretly has and hasn't told me. That's another thread. I could only see the last few months accounts, but am still dubious as to what he's done with the money.

I mentioned to him, that he needed to show me the accounts more than twice in 20 months as the house is ours, not his, as it was pre engagement and me selling my house at a massive profit is to why we now have a tiny mortgage. I then mentioned that it wasn't financially viable to be here, as the one wage he's on is not enough, and me working in my profession doesn't pay very well here, and that gets soaked up in childcare fees.

We never have any money, and seem really poor to what we had in the Uk. He's not had a pay rise since we've been here either. Going out for dinner is a major treat now, as before we'd go out weekly.

I didn't like his comment, as he said that I hadn't given it a chance. It's been nearly two years, and I think that's long enough being miserable. It has effected our marriage, and my gp suggested counseling. I said I've achieved the grand sum of chuff all being here, and I have tried to go out and meet people, through groups taking dd's to swimming, gymnastics, and don't ask about the playgroup <shudders>

I currently have a broken leg, and have had surgery on it. It has been dreadful, and very stressful for all of us, as we not have sil to help at weekends, and occasionally a friend miles away can have our girls for a day whilst dh goes to work. It's been awful, and has highlighted how much I really miss the Uk and all the support we had there.

The resentment towards my h is incredible. I'm so angry with him, and I'm someone who is told I'm always happy, and in a good mood.

He did query how we'd pay for a container, but I really don't care how. I want to go back home and get some work, see my family, my friends, and stop paying ridiculous amounts in rent, and healthcare.

Sorry, that was epic, but he's finally acknowledged that I want to go home. It's taken long enough.

You have clearly had enough. I sometimes hear about expats who want to go home and then it transpires that they've been away for 3 or 4 months which imho isn't nearly long enough to settle in. 20 months is a big time investment and if you're not happy, you're not happy. I would think it's time to put the wheels in motion to go back.

Will your dh's job move back with you or will he need to find a new one?
How old are your dcs? Will they need school etc?
How much notice do you need to give your tenants?

I do think that you need to address the issues in your marriage too. When you move back, will all your resentment and anger disappear? Are they all truly linked only to your location?

mummytime Belgium Thu 20-Jun-13 13:06:05

I would really, really want to know what has been happening to the money. I think you need to start finding out now. If he won't tell you then start taking note of bank accounts and savings accounts that you can find. Does he have lots of personal accounts?

Try to get copies of as much as you can and store these out of the house, you could post them,to a safe address in the UK or scan and store in a private email etc. on line.

I would also see what your credit worthy ness is for now, and start to get quotes for the container etc. I would also pressurise your doctors to give you dates on which you could fly back to the UK.

If at all possible get his permission to bring the children back to the UK, at least for a holiday.

Longdistance Thu 20-Jun-13 14:44:45

We moved over as a transfer with dh's company. It's a building company in the Uk, and they deal with mining and infrastructure here in Oz. We're on 457 visas if that helps.

Dc are 2 and nearly 4, so no big issue with schools yet. Our tenants contract is up in October, our lease here is up in November.
Looking back on it all, it was the move, as well as him. So, I would want to suggest counseling to him. Wether he agrees is another story.
What I've seen so far of the money, shows he's been paying into the mortgage. It's the cloak and dagger of it all I don't like, as he's not to be trusted from a previous issue with him buying shares.
He knows that the dc will come back with me, as he knows he cannot handle them as well as me. Half his wages would go on childcare if I wasn't around.

When I was hospitalized, he couldn't cope at all. I had to make lists upon lists of what needed doing. He was so disorganized. When I came home I just balled my eyes out at the state of the house and what was going on. Is still awful, but I'm not allowed to weight bear yet, as my breaks haven't completely healed sad so I doubt the doc would let me fly just yet.
Even if we had a date for October, it'd be something to look forward to.

Oh dear, poor you, heal quickly.
I agree two years is long enough to be miserable, when are the visas up?
I think I'd aim to go back before October, give the tenants plenty of notice and get back in your house. Forget the container, sell everything but your most treasured memories for you and the kids, plus toys and clothes and get a quote for a shared container. We are only taking about 200 square feet back, they said it'll be in one lift van (a big wood crate you can walk in) they fit so many in a 40 foot container.

Also I agree with mummytime, you need to know about the money. Start searching for statements make copies, search the computer history and print out everything to see what you can find. figure out what banks or investment companies he's been stashing the money in. Something sounds fishy about the house money.

Pitmountainpony Fri 28-Jun-13 05:04:31

Yeah sell your stuff and bring the minimum back....it will be best part of 20 k to ship a container I am guessing.
Get home. I think Oz is overrated and overly expensive and too many casual racists for my tastes!!

Longdistance Fri 28-Jun-13 05:32:24

My h did mention about a container. But we still have loads of baby stuff to sell, so am gonna do that on Gumtree, and do a swap market (car boot) to make some money and get rid.

My car is only 18 months old, and was bought brand new. Will be able to get round $20k for it, and it has been paid off on finance which we only had for a year.

We have furniture to sell, as the bed we have would never fit in our house ( it is beautiful dark wood king bed, with bedside cabinets, and a tallboy). That should sell well.

We won't need the girls beds either, so can sell them too, and my dd2 is gonna be out of nappies soon, so won't need her changer.
May pack half a container ourselves with toys, and kitchen stuff.
My clothes are shit, so can bin some of them lol.
Only thing I don't want to leave is the oak dining room table and chairs, and the side board as it was expensive, but I love it too much to leave. The sofas can be dumped as they're dying a death as we speak.

Pit I take it you're not a fan then grin join my club.
It annoys me that going out for dinner is so bloody expensive and is now a treat.
I'm at the end of my tether as miss everyone back home. This move was really to do with my h's job, and not really a change of life. I've never been so poor. We had a great life in the Uk. Our mortgage is nearly paid off. We had two brand new decent cars on the drive. We saw family. Went out regularly. Went for weekends away every few months (Wales, Devon, up north to visit mil and her dh). Never worried about money. Had babysitters on tap. I had my job, which I gave up after 15 years, which has made me resent dh and this decision. It had ruined our marriage.

I'm thinking about counseling. If h says no, I'm done with him too, as well as this country!

WhataSook Fri 28-Jun-13 11:16:28

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Longdistance Fri 28-Jun-13 12:15:53

Very constructive there Sook.

Thanks for your shitty advice, but my life is shitty here, and never was in the Uk, that's why I want to go back.

I have no illusions of how Oz was, my h wanted to move here, not me. And I'm trying to fix this mess. I have been here before, and wasn't keen when my h wanted to move here. I was pressurized into this, and decisions were made for me.

If you cannot contribute to my post, with any useful advice for me, then please do not comment.

I for one do not care if the sun shines or not, what I do care about is being happy. And being here isn't making me happy.

kiwidreamer Fri 28-Jun-13 18:16:24

It took me years and years to be happy here in the UK but the biggest difference was my then partner / now DH was understanding and supportive and tried to help me make the most of the situation, admittedly all the while gently persuading me that staying was our better option. Eventually life took over and after a decade here I often think I'll miss the UK when we leave but hand on heart we will leave one day!

I also often feel that the decision to move / stay here wasn't really my own but I only have myself to blame as I didn't really ever stand up and say NO THANKS... I still remember sitting on the plane that very first flight AKL to LDN thinking FAAAAAARK this is really happening lol. Good on you for persevering with the situation but also for standing up and valuing your happiness.

If after two years you do not even have a glimmer of affection for Australia then I agree its time to cut your losses.

Best of luck for the future x

twilight3 Fri 28-Jun-13 19:04:17

oh, dear OP, you do sound very unhappy and bitter....

I think the issue is much deeper than location. The fact that you were pressurised in the first place to move to other side of the planet, the lack of trust between you and h with regards to finances etc, ring bells to me for your marriage. Do you feel loved? Do you feel you love him?
If you can't love him and can't feel loved in Oz, where you're unhappy, is the move to the UK going to fix this or just mask it?

I'm afraid I can't offer practical advice. Just keep in mind that a fractured bone can be an unwise adviser...

WhataSook Fri 28-Jun-13 20:40:21

Longdistance my post was to Pit not you, with the ever trundled out racist comment that absolutely pisses me off no end. For the exact reason I stated (thanks MNHQ for deleting...still think it's a TWATISH line to roll out). And I am sorry I didn't mean for you to think I was saying your shitty life.

I live in London and my life is shitty at times and if my DH couldn't be supportive in my homesickness or what ever it is that makes life feel crap here at times I would feel very down and would probably consider leaving without him.

Sunshine doesn't always make life better, Aus is a long way from here and a completely different way of life. It's taken me 5 years to appreciate the sharp seasons here, the way life is here...but I still want to go home to my family. I think that is natural.

I read this thread when you first posted and I felt for you but had nothing to add so didn't. I do apologise again as my post was not directed to you.

Longdistance Fri 28-Jun-13 21:24:17

When he pressurized me to move, he then went further to pressurize me to tell my family. I saw my family most days, and he'd be asking, had I told hem yet. Push, push, push.

It makes it incredibly hard as both my parents cannot fly this far, and would never get the clear from a doc to travel, as both my parents are in ill health. No insurance would cover them either.

In the answer to your question, do I feel loved? No I don't feel loved. The way he treats me sometimes. Since I broke my leg, I've seen this horrid man who's unsympathetic, uncaring, unhelpful. He's started smoking again, and I find it repulsive. Sounds extreme, but he wasn't smoking when we met, was always just a social smoker, and now had gone back to smoking, and is doing as he pleases. Bar the fact cigarettes are expensive here, just makes me angry

Yes, you're right, I'm very bitter. I've caught myself in the mirror before now, and I look the shell of what I used to be. My face looks weathered, tired, exhausted...I used to glam up everyday for my work, I just look so miserable all the time.

No problem Sook. I haven't come across any racism here, people seem to keep themselves to themselves. But, yes, my h doesn't do much to help me get over te homesickness, and that in itself makes it a very lonely place to be.

Luckily, we're not pr. It was a we'll see how we go basis. He wants to stay, and anything I say about not wanting to stay is made out to be not valid a point. I feel so trapped sad

Longdistance Fri 28-Jun-13 21:26:50

I also forgot to add, I have two sil's here, h's dsis's, h's mum has been twice, and his dad separately as they're not together. And quite frankly, I'm sick of seeing his family all the time. So there's a lot of resentment there too.

WhataSook Fri 28-Jun-13 21:47:12

Longdistance I have PMd you

solarbright Sat 29-Jun-13 01:16:04

Is there anything to stop you just booking 3 plane tickets and leaving? I mean, after your leg heals. I remember your previous posts, and things are worse. Just get out. Hopefully DH will follow soon, and even if you don't stay together, he will be there for his DC.

Tell the estate agents you won't be renewing the tenants' contract. Tell your family when you plan to arrive. Inform the LEA of any school places needed for September.

Book tickets. Pack up as much weight as you can in suitcases and off you go.

Pitmountainpony Sat 29-Jun-13 03:09:47

I don,t think the op souns bitter just unhappy. If her quality of life was better in the uk and she enjoyed a better support system then frankly Australia is never going to offer that.
I actually think Australia is Avery beautiful place but my experience of it was it felt a bit backward and sorry but I met more racist people there than anywhere apart from China and I do think the UK is one of the least racist places in the world. Of course there are many educated and nice Australians but frankly I met more of the others in my time there and the is a different mentality which can make it harder to connect with people....I found it all a bit...stick it on the BBQ approach ....culture, humor, sensitivity....ahhh yeah stick it on the BBQ.

The truth is the op has gone from a good life to aless good one and she sounds like she knows what she wants to do. Maybe she needs some encouragement. You can sell your stuff and you can come home and you have given it a chance. Hot weather is not enough compensation for giving up all those goods she had back home. People underrate those simple pleasures and overrate what Australia has to offer in my opinion. It is tepidly expensive there now as well.
You gave it a go and it is not for you. Your husband needs to get how unhappy you are, especially when you had reservations before you went.
It sounds rubbish being so badly off ......all the treats have gone.
Good luck. Make a list and sit down with dh and draw up a plan. Even it is 12 months away you will feel better knowing you just have to get by a bit longer.

Pitmountainpony Sat 29-Jun-13 03:23:49

Whatasook...I never saw your response and I am sorry if my words offend you but this is from my direct experience with many Australians and even where I live now........i notice the unapologetic remarks casually dropped about a specific ethinic group by one peer i know from Oz.........anyway I think you know your country' s reputation and for me it rang true....there are racists everywhere and some would argue we are all racist but need to work very hard to change those separatist impulses that exist in human nature but for me I just really noticed this in OZ when I was there two decades ago and it made me realize I would never emigrate there, despite its beauty. It sounds like the op has not experienced that, which is great. My experience informs my opinions as ' twatish' as you may deem that.
I heard people say more racist things, more often than I have in others countries I have encountered and it did not endear me to the country knowing that somehow this attitude seemed so everyday in so many people I encountered.
Good luck OP.......life may be unhappy now but you can change it and it will not be unhappy like this much longer.

Longdistance Sat 29-Jun-13 03:56:54

No agents needed, as we rented our house out privately to people we know through the rugby club back home. So, it's being well looked after, and appreciated, as it would cost the tenants £200 more to rent through an agency, and one was charging 15%. So we advertised at the club, and asked around. These tenants love it there as its considerably bigger than what they had before. They we're supposed to buying somewhere. Think they've got comfortable.

Nothing is stopping me booking tickets, apart from the selling of my car, which is a considerable amount of money, and other bits I can sell on Gumtree and car boot. I really need my leg to heal before I can do anything about flights. I have looked, and they're coming up as £1,800ish for 3 of us.

My dd's are 2 and nearly 4, so no schools yet.

The profession I'm in doesn't pay well here, and I'd be better off working back in the Uk.

Tbh, I think h has realized he's made a balls up but won't admit it. He works the same long hours, and hasn't had a whiff of a pay rise since we arrived nearly two years ago hmm he has made friends through work, but I can see those friendships are not the same as the ones he had back home. He hasn't been in contact with any of his friends back home, which I feel is very sad.

Deffodil Sat 29-Jun-13 04:42:23

I feel your utter frustration,that has been highlighted by your physical incapacitation (x) and has shown you what clearly needs to be done on a practical level. H sounds as if he relies heavily on you to be the backbone of your lives whilst indulging in his whimsical wheeling and dealing financially. Personally,I'd cash in,as you say you can,and come home. He will probably gratefully follow.

Mosman Sun 30-Jun-13 12:43:47

I'm going to be back by Christmas I think without or without "DH" Perth has grown on me but lack of rentals, price of rentals, sheer insecurity of it all has worn me down.
Every time I hear 457 mentioned on the news it strikes dear into my heart that we'll be kicked out- irrational I know but still it's exhausting - he stems to think he's having a glittering career here despite being on the equivalent of £33,000 a year - not a patch on his uk salary.
I will either be living south of the river in the arse end of nowhere or Birmingham - I genuinely am not sure which is worse and how this has happened to me !

Longdistance Sun 30-Jun-13 17:00:40

Hey Mos wondered how you were going?

I really want to go back with my brother. He wants to visit us in October, as its his 40th Birthday, and a pair of hands would be great. I'm just hoping my leg is better by then.

My h seems to think he's got a good career here too. I don't, as I think the money's not that great. He still works stupid hours. Last week he was working from home from 6am - 8pm. For the amount he gets I wouldn't do it. He's lucky that he can work from home.

What does h think about you going without him? I think mine wouldn't be too happy as he'd feel left out didums

Mosman Mon 01-Jul-13 01:44:33

Well given mine has had three affairs and doesn't think he's ever met "the one" despite bring fucking married twice - I can't say he's a massive consideration tbh.
The kids want to go back, they've nothing but bad memories here.

SavoyCabbage Mon 01-Jul-13 02:27:49

I'm going back too. End of November start of December. DH is staying here till I get a job as I have to have a job to get him in the country as he's not British.

He has got a good job here and he is worried about not getting one in the UK but FIVE YEARS I've been here now.

I was talking to my Mother about the difficulties I will be facing at home. Getting the girls to school and working etc and she sounded puzzled and reminded me I would have all my family and friends to help me out.

I had forgotten you see. That I would have people. I'm used to having to do it all on our own.

Maybe we should all go back together! grin.

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