WHERE'S BEST TO LIVE IN NZ AND WHAT DO WE NEED TO KNOW: PART 5!

(1000 Posts)
AngryBeaver Tue 27-Nov-12 09:01:29

Look at us Chatty Cathy's!
Justa oh noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo<breathes>ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
(I'm not sure grin)

AngryBeaver Tue 04-Dec-12 19:13:47

I just don't know why people think it's their place to say things like this!
I said to Mum "How many people emigrate every week? Do you think their families emotional bully them for over a year?It is not NORMAL!"

I reeled off a few of my school friends that emigrated last year too, and told her they do not get the grief I do. She said "well maybe they arae not as cherished as you, aren't you lucky that you are so adored?"
Oh yes, you make me feel SOOOOOOOOOOOO special!!

She told me that it was because they love me so much, and miss me so much.

I told her that it's not because db loves and misses me, it was because he can't abide being inconvenienced. And when Mum is here, it is a masssive inconvenience to him.
Also jealousy is a huge factor with him.
(mum denies this and says he would never settle here, having been here, she knows this!
Maybe he wouldn't settle here, but he is envious that I have done something brave.
He always used to talk about emigrating, but never had the balls to do it.
Then he met his dp and had dn, so he is stuck now.
Definitely a part of what is going on as far as I'm concerned.

lolly your dh's family is so silly. How can they not see how that behaviour will push him away?!

shelscrape Tue 04-Dec-12 19:35:54

it's either too much contact or no contact isn't it? My DB will not skype us or telephone us at all - he says he cannot cope with the emotion of it all - neither will he visit us - says the flight is too long - he's under 40 FFS! In meantime my DS misses his uncle dreadfully and can't understand why we never hear from him.

We've been getting the tears and comments from family this morning. It is DS's birthday, so phone calls made to say thank you for presents before going off to school .... ahh well, smile deep breath and onwards and upwards!

Anyone else doing the Kidscan santa run this afternoon?

justaboutchilledout Tue 04-Dec-12 20:50:02

"I reeled off a few of my school friends that emigrated last year too, and told her they do not get the grief I do. She said "well maybe they arae not as cherished as you, aren't you lucky that you are so adored?"
Oh yes, you make me feel SOOOOOOOOOOOO special!!"

This is EXACTLY what my mother and siblings do! I have lost count of the number of emails I have had recently that end "in the hope that you will realise how much you are loved"

AAARGH. (Sorry, hijack)

I think it is really common. A friend of ours lives in the English bit of the main city - St Heliers - and she knows a lot of English families, she says she has not met one yet that has not been bullied for leaving.

justaboutchilledout Tue 04-Dec-12 20:50:30

And sorry for your crappy phone calls shels.

thelittlestkiwi Tue 04-Dec-12 21:14:21

Sorry you are all getting a hard time from the families. It's funny how people thinking being mean to us/you is going to encourage you to move back, rather than driving you further away.

We've been quite lucky but still get comments- mainly about DD- 'it's a shame you are so far away' etc. Which I find quite annoying from MIL who lived overseas herself.

I look at DD having a blast on the beach, barefoot and carefree, and I can't see how moving back would be good for her. It feel like a choice between her future and the family sometimes.

justaboutchilledout Tue 04-Dec-12 22:55:14

I look at DD having a blast on the beach, barefoot and carefree, and I can't see how moving back would be good for her. It feel like a choice between her future and the family sometimes.

That sums up my feelings so exactly, it is eerie.

lollystix Tue 04-Dec-12 23:03:23

Was just about to post that too Justabout. Well said Littlest - that's exactly it. This country is not my home yet but it's absolutely the best place for my kids in my mind.

AngryBeaver Tue 04-Dec-12 23:24:11

I agree. But my Mum said to me yeasterday "I look at an atlas and see this tiny bloody counrty on the other side of the WORLD, and I think (grabs hair in dramatic fashion) WHAT t e HELL is going ON! (cries)
This was in a coffee shop, said loudly. Rather embarrassing.
She then went on to say how bored she was here. There was "nothing" she feels frustrated at the infastrucure. Lack of public transport, blah blah.
She can't see what there is here for the kids then said loudly, holding my wrists "They will leave here, love, they will leave! There is nothing to stay for. They will realise that there is a great big world out there, not just this piddly little place, and then they will leave"

I pointed out that the UK was also, a piddly little Island.
And that (shock horror) people can actually have careers here, and travel/go on hols! It doesn't mean you have failed at life if you live in NZ!
Soooooo frustrating.
Then we had the pregnancy stuff again.

Anyway, dd is moving schools. I have taken all I can and I can't takes no more!
(or whatever it is!)
I have visited 6 schools this week with Mother dearest, and have made the decision. Just about to ring the Principal now.
Poor dd though, she is only 6 and this will be her 3rd school sad

WhatSheSaid Tue 04-Dec-12 23:32:25

We are lucky, we have never had any grief for being here. I know my mil feels sad as her only grandchildren are here but, to her credit, she has never given us a hard time about it. I used to think she was a bit of a pain but the more I read the more I think she's not so bad really!

justaboutchilledout Tue 04-Dec-12 23:32:52

Can't solve the mother problem but I can solve the school angst.
DS1 began at his third school at 6 when we moved here.
BEST THING WE EVER DID. He is SO much happier. Just from what you have said about the school in the past I think you are doing the right thing.

WhatSheSaid Tue 04-Dec-12 23:36:09

Also - my mil visits for 4-6 weeks every year and the way I look at it, that is prob the same amount of time she would see the dcs if we were in the Uk.

They live in a very expensive part of the south-east and we could probably not even afford a shoebox anywhere round there. So we would be living miles away anyway - leaving visits to what, a few weekends and Christmas? Which would probably add up to about 4-6 weeks a year!

lollystix Tue 04-Dec-12 23:56:14

AB - im very conscious with 4 boys I will lose a few of them to different countries when they are adults. I do think there is maybe less to keep them jobwise and they will do OEs and meet women from Australia, China, UK BUT I feel I will have given them a great childhood and they are not mine to keep-I just have the privilege of looking after them whilst their little. BUT I could have lived in UK and if it continues the way it has in the last few years it's likely they may have left there too. But I know you know all this and I'm preaching to converted. I think this is where MIL, SIL and I fundamentally differ. They believe DH belongs to them and I don't believe my children are mine to control when they're adults.
Good luck with the school btw. If you feel it's right in your gut go with it. Kids are very adaptable.

Sibble Wed 05-Dec-12 01:46:37

I've been here 10 years and my family still gives me grief constantly. My sister has visited once (8 years ago and said 'it's boring' - she came in our winter). She is now only interested in skyping as she has a 6 month old (has never bothered before). My parents and brother have never visited and never skype. Very sad for my boys IMO but their loss (my families). We do however speak on the phone every other day!

vvviola Wed 05-Dec-12 03:47:00

We're v lucky I think. My parents were very upset when we moved & when we said we were going Mum refused to talk about it for about 6 months. But she is fiercely protective of her relationship with DDs (especially DD1), so it was never going to stay like that.

They've just arrive for 2 months. It's total, wonderful chaos in our house right now. ask me again how I feel about it in about 6 weeks time!

MIL on the other hand, when we lived in Europe was a lot more difficult, which I found particularly infuriating as DH was living in the UK with no intention of returning to NZ when I met him, and had been there nearly 10 years...

justaboutchilledout Wed 05-Dec-12 04:36:34

What lollystix said in a nutshell. I don't own my children. I am bringing them up in the place I think is right for them to have a fabulous childhood. From there on, it's not my call.

Sibble - how sad!

and Vvviola - good luck with the next two months. Do you think it helps that you are only planning to be here for two or three years?

frikonastick Wed 05-Dec-12 05:07:39

yes. what lollystix said. exactly that.

hows this for weird though. DH and I are expat brats. which means that BOTH sets of our parents have lived all over the world with us as kids.

so you would think thats the perfect set up. that they would be understanding, supportive, a great source of advice etc etc given they did exactly the same thing at the same age as DH and I now are.

yah.

not so much

MIL last night, how can you doooo thiiiiiiisssssss, we will never see you again etc etc etc. bearing in mind we havent lived on the same continent, let alone country in 15 years!!!!

i genuinely cant get my head around it. didnt stress her when we lived in various war torn middle eastern or african countries, but new zealand? much clutching of pearls and what about the children.

she keeps going on about how far it is, and she is right, it is, but they are going to be living with us for 6 months of the year anyway. which is 6 bloody months more than they have ever seen us in the last 15 years!!!

sorry, i could rant on about this for ages grin

justaboutchilledout Wed 05-Dec-12 06:38:22

Oh, frik, I feel your pain. BOTH my parents were migrants. So I just assumed that when I decided to live in NZ with my fiance (as in, tell them we would move one day) they would be supportive.

Ha ha ha ha (bitter)

It is the opposite in a way I think - having done without their own extended family they are over-invested in their children.

And they are going to be living with you for 6 months of the year????? In the same house?????

frikonastick Wed 05-Dec-12 08:16:48

both sets are

grin

its going to be

EPIC

Sibble Wed 05-Dec-12 18:35:58

OMG frik - not sure what's worse no visit for 10 years or 6 months with both (although that's not an option as dhs parents are both dead) I have usually fallen out with my mother about 2 hours after arriving in the UK which results in her dictating something and me digging my heels in and have a 5 year old style tantrum grin. I can't imagine her living here for 6 months. In my dreams my parents visit but stay a 10 minute drive away. When I moan that they have never been dh always chants - be careful of what you wish for! grin

justaboutchilledout Wed 05-Dec-12 19:00:41

Oh my goodness. Think we should rename this thread the frik support thread immediately!

meerkate Wed 05-Dec-12 21:30:40

snorting out loud at urgent renaming of 'frik support thread' - brilliant - i second that totally! frik, you are a better woman than me - by a factor of a zillion or thereabouts! hats off to ya shock

i second all the sensible sentiments on here about adaptability of children, freedom to do their own thing once grown, and lunacy of extreme reaction of extended family members!

AB - my kids have survived 4 schools so far in their short lives, I tell myself it's character-building grin seriously - don't worry about it, especially at 6 - the adjustment period is relatively short at that age, I found, and the right school makes such a huge difference to them, as we all know smile Your mother is something else by the way shock she sounds highly entertaining in a flamboyant way (if you don't happen to be related to her, that is)!!! Stay strong smile

meerkate Wed 05-Dec-12 21:31:36

PS sibble - I totally know what's worse - and it's not 'no visit for ten years' grin

WhatSheSaid Wed 05-Dec-12 23:27:39

Wow, biiiiig thunderstorm just hit here, torrential rain, I'm amazed we've still got Internet as we've lost both Sky and radio reception.

thelittlestkiwi Thu 06-Dec-12 00:11:36

WWS- there has been a tornado out west. Hope you are safe!

WhatSheSaid Thu 06-Dec-12 00:29:16

Yep, just heard about that! Tornado was in Hobsonville, much further west than where I am. Sounds like there have been some fatalities sad

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