(1000 Posts)
AngryBeaver Tue 27-Nov-12 09:01:29

Look at us Chatty Cathy's!
Justa oh noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo<breathes>ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
(I'm not sure grin)

WhatSheSaid Sun 02-Dec-12 22:46:19

I don't get charged for using my own bank's ATM but if I use a different bank I get charged ($1 a time I think). I'm not sure about the prepaid cards, sorry.

underthemountain Sun 02-Dec-12 22:51:08

Thanks-I am guessing they will charge then. Hmmm-maybe take cash then?

AngryBeaver Sun 02-Dec-12 23:48:58

I haven't read anything, but can I just say this,
And if anyone wants to stroke my nitty hair while I weep, that would be nice

WhatSheSaid Sun 02-Dec-12 23:52:31

Haha, I was wondering where you were AB.

So <innocent face> how's it going with your mum then?

frikonastick Mon 03-Dec-12 03:39:59

there there <stroke, stroke>

AngryBeaver Mon 03-Dec-12 08:03:22

Had a huge row today. Lots of blame (directed at me) How Mum couldn't take anymore. NZ just brought back bad memories. She is still grieving for her grandaughter and I get pregnant again weeks afterwards? ("How you could even have sex, I don't know") There must be something wrong with me mentally. Am I emotionally blackmailing dh? At which point I say to dh "dh, do you want another baby?" dh says "yep"
It all got far worde after that. Things were said.
It was not good.
I am driking wine

WhatSheSaid Mon 03-Dec-12 08:18:13

sad urgh, sounds bad, sorry if I was a bit flippant asking.

WhatSheSaid Mon 03-Dec-12 08:20:21

And at the end of the day, it's your life, it's not up to her when or if you get pregnant. She can't actually run your life for you. It's not her right.

justaboutchilledout Mon 03-Dec-12 08:28:56

Oh AB. sad

And here I was thinking the nits had come back already [equally flippant and inappropriate]

I think for good or for worse, at this distance meeting-times are just so intense. All the normal conversations and silences and undertones are sort of forced into the open because people feel the pressure of so little time to say what they want.

But that doesn't excuse the things your mum said, which were way over the line of fairness and decency!

AngryBeaver Mon 03-Dec-12 08:47:58

Ach, don't worry about flippancy. You lot make me laugh, and I need that!
I need some help with something.
I have always had to walk on eggshells with my (older) brother. He has always had a temoer but Mum has always made excuses for him.
If anyone remembers, he said to me when Mum came to visit the last time and my Gran started to fail, "You are the one who fucked off for a better life. You no longer get a say in what happens here"
We had a huge fallin out, but have made up since. he is really immature and relies on Mum a a lot.

Mum has only been here a few days and he has already skyped, whinging that he has a hernia, and is scheduled for op in 3 weeks "they are going to cut me up and it's xmas!" his dp has to "do everything" for him and their child (boo fucking hoo) honestly, it is pathetic.

I sent him a text saying, hope you are ok, miss you xx
He sent one back saying....Am in lots of pain, but taking painkillers, dp has to do everything which I feel awful about. ds has cold and just been sick. Would be nice if mum was here to help. I hope you realise how your decision to emigratehas inmpacted on other people. It is your life choice, but we all pay a price for it xx

I am fucking seething. He has ONE child. A dp and a MIL round the corner. But, he wants my mum to come and fawn all over him and his bloody hernia and look after child with cold? He is 38 by the way!

He has NO fucking idea what it is really like to cope on your own. Since we have been here, well you know what we have been through. Apart from all things horrific, have had the most awful bout of tonsilitius where I could barely lift my head from the pillow, and I had to look after THREE young children ALONE.No choice. DIdn't moan.

It's a joke.

What do I reply? DO I reply at all? Mum has asked me to "be the bigger person" and not say anything. That is what I have always had to do all my life.

I don't want to cause another shit storm.
Suppose I'm just letting off steam sad

justaboutchilledout Mon 03-Dec-12 09:56:21

Oh god this is so resonant of my family
(selfish hijack alert)
my brother has been horribly rude and offensive to me for years and somehow I am/was supposed to just put up with it "because you don't realise how much you are loved"

I don't have a solution
Except that I find minimising contact to a polite but impersonal level the only best solution.

justaboutchilledout Mon 03-Dec-12 09:57:23

Oh - and I think YES you can reply BUT you will set off a bigger shitstorm and you need to be prepared to deal with that, because if you say boo to this particular goose the next tactic will probably be refusing to be in contact at all, at least for a bit.

justaboutchilledout Mon 03-Dec-12 10:09:05

- also - both avoiding and seeking conflict in these situations can itself be a dysfunctional pattern - work out what you want to to, what your mother wants you to do, and what you NEED to do. Then do the latter. Which may be doing the same as your mother wants but for different reasons. Or it may be telling him exactly what you told us. Whatever, don't give too much time and emotional energy to him.

meerkate Mon 03-Dec-12 10:29:53

bloody HELL AB!!!!!

FAMILIES!!!! <shudder>

I can't believe what you're having to deal with, on both maternal and fraternal fronts!!!

Agree totally with wise-woman justa

I personally would be LONGING to reply to my brother in your situation, but think the course of wisdom is just leaving well alone - you're never going to change him or his strange and self-centred attitudes, clearly, so you need to muster all your inner strength and resources to rise above this bullshit you are being served up.

It is amazing how people think it's all about them, isn't it?!

Big hugs to ya - hope you get through the rest of your mum's visit okay. I still remember melting down in front of my parents when they visited us in Perth and accusing them of 'sitting in silent judgement of me and my parenting' - that went down well grin there is definitely a pressure-cooker effect when one lives so far away and then sees people for a short and incredibly intense period of time, as has been said above!!

Lots of love to you all xxx

shelscrape Mon 03-Dec-12 10:46:06

Oh no ... blardy families!! Hugs to you AB and some wine too. On one level being in NZ keeps you away from the usual family shite, but when it hits you in the face it so much more intense than when you ahve to deal with it day to day.

On a completely different tack ... isn't hot? I literally melted walking home form work today. The flipping Court still has it's air conditioning on fridge temperatures so I have to wear tights to keep warm in Court, then I walk home in a black dress and jacket, tights and stupid high heels. Good excuse to have a cold wine from the fridge when I get home though grin

meerkate Mon 03-Dec-12 10:51:40

PS AB LOVED those 'xx' at the end of your bro's text by the way grin

AngryBeaver Mon 03-Dec-12 18:31:49

Thanks everyone.
Sorry for terrible grammar/spelling etc was a bit drunk and trying to get everything out!
I think I won't reply. There is nothing I can trust myself to say,so I'll say nothing.
meerkate I know, I laughed at the xx too! It's like, I'm going to slag you off and say horrid things to you, but if I put some xx at the end, it's all fine! twat

shels That's not ideal is it?! Can't you nip into the loo before you leave and remove your tights?!

justaboutchilledout Mon 03-Dec-12 19:28:49

Honestly the more I hear about the way families behave around emigration time the more I think that contact should be prohibited for the entire first year smile

justaboutchilledout Mon 03-Dec-12 23:57:17

Oh, and whhilst we are on the subject of families in the UK, I thought I would share my brilliant present-giving idea [modest]

Amazon are doing Christmas hampers and bags filled with goodies. I am sending one to my mother and asking her to distribute the bounty around the family.

AngryBeaver Mon 03-Dec-12 23:59:04

That's a really good idea!

AngryBeaver Tue 04-Dec-12 00:01:52

Sorry underthemountain do you mean a cash passport thing? My Mum uses one of those and I had one here for a few months (which Mum had loaded with money for me) used it until it ran out. I don't think it charged me, but it was a pain as I couldn't check the balance on it.
So everytime I used it I squirmed thinking "Is there anything left on this?!" Didn't want to be rejeced at the till again

WhatSheSaid Tue 04-Dec-12 00:38:52

Good idea about the Amazon Christmas hampers. We only buy for kids in our family and I always just get everything from Amazon anyway as postage is free for anything over £5.

justaboutchilledout Tue 04-Dec-12 02:48:35

I have just been tipped off by a mum at school that there are FREE PHOTOS WITH SANTA at Harvey Normans. Check out their website!

lollystix Tue 04-Dec-12 08:50:53

Oh AB I'm do sorry your mum is being difficult and insensitive and your DB is being a dick. Don't reply - you won't achieve anything other than fuelling a fight with you- he's cross and he wants you to know it but probably riding on the general malcontent with your decision and it's easy to cast you as the family villain when you're not present.

If its any consolidation SIL said on Skype to DH that he had no idea of what she'd been left with (talking about the upset of their parents). DH just pretended he didn't hear. I feel cross - maybe I'm being selfish but what do we do? Move back, sit on their sofa and make ourselves unhappy just because they can't grow up and accept DH is an adult with his own life and family now? I wish they could all accept it and try and be happy. Obviously your mum situation is really distressing as its in your face and slightly insensitive on her part given what you've been through. My DH now reticent to Skype as he's such passive aggression off his lot. sad

justaboutchilledout Tue 04-Dec-12 18:40:36

Yes I think that actually all the "oh it's so much easier now we have Skype and email and texting stuff" is not the whole story. It is far, far easier, for families to send jibes and make snarky comments to you when you are overseas than it was. And it's easier for you to reply - whereas twenty years ago, even if you HAD been sent a snotty letter, you would have time to think before you responded. Whereas in fact the worst of both worlds is lots of unpleasant contact.

This thread is not accepting new messages.