MIL has bone cancer - how do I help?

[WineCowboy]

As above, we have just found out three weeks ago that she had cancer but hadn't quite realised how quickly it has destroyed her bones and is continuing to.

I just wondered if anyone has any experience of what to do, say etc.
we visited today and her poor DH is just broken. It's so weird comforting my step FIL, with him crying and being in bits.

The prognosis is so bleak, nothing they can do, no treatment, just end of life care.
We have said we will be there, but it's what to say? What can we say!!? So hard.

Any advice is so very welcome.

[WineCowboy]

Little bump

[CMOTDibbler]

I'm so sorry that you are all going through this. Remember that you don't have to say anything - take your cues from them, so if MIL just wants to chat about the children, or to look at holiday brochures then thats fine. Or look at old photos and talk about the past.

Marie Curie have a lot of advice about helping people who are coming to the end of their life

[whatisforteamum]

i am sorry winecowboy it is so hard to find out a loved one has cancer.Did it start in the bones or has it spread there ?.i found out my Dads cancer had spread from his bladder and prostate to his ribs and spine :(
I have learnt from both parents having cancer that sometimes patients want a distraction from talking about it and sometimes they want to confide their worries for the future.Macmillan has a great website with a section on how to talk to someone with cancer.It is better you visit than stay away for fear of saying the wrong thing,Mum and dad have been bit isolated when they were too ill to go out as some ppl avoid those who are terminally ill

[WineCowboy]

Ahh thanks so much for posting, I had given up on my thread!

We visited again yesterday and whilst still hard they have both picked up a bit after some support from a local hospice and Macmillan. It seems like there is a hidden support system that rolls into place when you get news like this, I am really impressed with it.

yy CMOT we do talk about the children lots, and they tell her what they've been up to, she is still very with it, albeit tired and far away looking so. She also mentioned a few boxes of photos that DH is going to look through with her next weekend. I also wondered about looking at a world map and putting pins in where she has visited/lived so we know and she can share all her travels! We kind of veer between talking about normal stuff and then talking frankly about now, and the future.

Thanks for that link, I will have a good look.

whatis they can't find a primary so it looks like a super rare one that is just in her bones. She is very straight talking which defo makes it easier to talk about but her DH wells up when she does as she is pretty clear about what she wants.

I think the hardest thing is not knowing how long she has, they said 2-6 months which is brutal but there is quite a big difference between 2 and 6 isn't there? If it's two then we need to be there much more than we are but its hard with two full time jobs and two kids .

[lessthanBeau]

we talked about the afterlife, my dB was very interested in what might come after, we had lots of discussions about it, but then again we were weird like that, not everyone's favourite topic of conversation I understand, but some people like to bounce their ideas around, it can give them comfort, especially if other family members dismiss it and they have no one else to talk to about it.

[WineCowboy]

Yes we haven't broached that yet but I think she is in the that's that camp. She is very open and frank though so we have had some practical discussions but that's when her DH loses it so I think my DH might have to try and do that without him being around.

It's so weird isn't it, we just get in with our very full on jobs and kids but she is getting more poorly by the day yet practically we can't possibly go there every day, it just wouldn't work but it doesn't stop me feeling guilty that we are not there more.

[lessthanBeau]

I was very lucky that I only work pt evening shifts so I was able to spend every day with him, it was hard for the rest of the family as they didn't have this option, but they took comfort from knowing that I was there with him, you must not feel guilty as long as you know she has someone there to count on, your job is to do what you can, when you can, she won't expect you to give up your lives for her, in fact she will want to see you getting on with things. xx

[WineCowboy]

Thanks beau that's really kind x