Advanced colon cancer

[Eyespy24]

My DM was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer earlier this year. She is in her 60s & prior to diagnosis very fit & well it seemed.
The cancer has spread to her liver & lungs & she's been told it's incurable & she probably has about 18 months.
Some days I feel I can cope & then suddenly I can't stop crying. I have 2 young DC & it feels so unfair that they won't have their grandma around as they grow up.

We're trying to make the most of it while she's able but after every happy occasion I almost feel worse as it brings home what we're going to
lose.

Sorry this is so long. Just wondered if anyone has been through anything similar or can offer advice on enjoying what's left while the horrible situation hangs over us constantly.

[Procrastinatingpeacock]

I am in a very similar position, my DM was originally told a year but that was 3 years ago. She has started to decline now though sadly. I also have a young DS and it is very hard knowing that she will not see him grow up.
However we have had some fantastic family times since she was diagnosed. Yes, there is an underlying sadness, and like you it's often after a happy occasion that things can feel worse. You can't get away from that and there's no simple way to make it easier.
In my family we don't talk about it day to day, we make plans for the future on the basis that mum will still be around (obviously within reason, we are talking about plans for a few months time rather than a few years). That lets us focus on happy times ahead rather than just doom and gloom. At the same time we have not buried our heads in the sand, we have had the necessary talks about treatment, finances etc, we just try to keep those discussions separate from day to day life.

I am also trying to take lots of photos of her with DS. That does make me sad, but I know I will be glad I did in the future.

[Procrastinatingpeacock]

Sorry, I've just reread my post and it sounds very me, me, me! So sorry you are going through this too, I hope that you are able to have many more happy times with your mum in the time you have left.

[SuperLoudPoppingAction]

My mother didn't have quite so long as that, but in the time from symptoms to her death, I remember coming away from happy occasions and having a bit of a cry.
After her passing, the memories of those occasions have been very helpful to me and to my daughter.
Particularly for children, the more time they have with a relative, the more they'll remember them as a person.
My mum was 63 and similarly active, in work etc - it was a big shock.

Both of you, I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

[Eyespy24]

Thanks to both of you for your replies and so sorry to hear you've been through /are going through similar. It's just horrible.

Thanks for the words of advice too.

I think you're right about making the most of happy times whilst we have them, creating memories & recording them with photos. It doesn't help that DM hates having her photo taken though!

[HuggleBuggleBear]

Hi eyespy I saw ur post on the other thread. I have the same sadness as you regarding my two young children, I'm so sad that they will be robbed of a grandma. Photo wise my husband is obsessed with taking pictures so not just of my mum but of everyone which means less posed but more natural one's. Also we have taken videos at family get togethers. I made my parents a book last Christmas of lovely photos of them with my son (my daughter wasn't born then) the purpose been to show how much of a presence they have already had on my sons life so far. So pictures of them holding him as a newborn, day trips, special occasions etc. Was meant to be positive and uplifting and I know they really treasure the book.
You asked for advice and the truth is despite it been two years since mums diagnosis I'm still finding it really hard. My mum always says it doesn't have to be big things to create nice memories but a short shopping trip, yoga class together, a coffee and cake etc are really nice. I tend to feel sad after nice times but remind myself that we are doing more nice things coz she is ill and had we lost her suddenly then we wouldn't have had this time now. Take care, same to u procrastinatingpeacock this is such a difficult time.

[Eyespy24]

Thanks for your post huggle. How is your mum doing at the moment?
From what you say it sounds like we might have similar age DC. My DD is 3 & DS is just a baby.

I feel so sad for my DC that their grandma won't be there for much of their childhood and devastated for her that she won't see them grow up.

It's just so unfair.

Thanks for the ideas on preserving memories /photos etc. My DM is still holding out for a cure but the oncologist has said can only offer palliative care. I feel that it's difficult to talk about making the most of what time we have left when she's like that as I feel like I'm being negative whereas I'm just being more realistic than she is.

I hope you continue to have many more happy times with your DM. Is she close by?

[HuggleBuggleBear]

Yes similar ages. My son is nearly 3 and my daughter a baby. My mum lives really close by so I'm lucky I see her often. Do you get to see your mum regularly? Do you have support from your dad or siblings.

My mum is doing ok although is tired and at times struggles with pain, it's stage 4 breast cancer, the cancer has been fairly stable but is in quite few places.

One of the things I struggle with is jealousy at people who get their mums into old age. I feel this has changed me and my perspective on the world.

For a long time I was hung up on the worry that my son would have no memories of my mum if she died whilst he was still young but I'm trying to focus on the here and now plus as he is nearly three he will be forming memories. It's so sad that our children will lose their grandma so young but all the love doesn't go. They will always know they had a grandma who adored them.

Although I don't think my mum will be cured, people can live a number of years with terminal cancer and doctors can only give an average life expectancy they can't know exactly. I try tell myself that there is hope mum will have a few more years. Mum accepts that there is no cure but also says she's not going anywhere anytime soon and hopes for a few more years. Some hope is good, it gives your mum a future to look forward to, things like Christmas, holidays, days out etc its just hard if she hadn't fully accepted that there is no cure.