I'm living a strange sort of surreal existence at the moment and would feels so much better to have a community 'who know' when most in RL don't and when I'm trundling along, pain free, all the while waiting in angst to be told when I'll be called for the tests:
www.londonsarcoma.org/downloads/Undergoing-Investigations.pdf
On Tuesday I was blown away to hear that my slightly achey hip is probably referred pain and that the real problem is a ruddy great tumour IN MY SPINE. Chronic bone erosion. Etcetera. I'm scared. Waiting to hear of tests above are on Wednesday or Saturday. They think it's benign. Either way it's in a dangerous place (nerves as at base of spine, bone erosion of spine). I'm shitting myself, quite frankly. Have told all close friends. Only my close family. Don't know what to respond when I'm asked 'how are you?' And "Looking forward to Xmas?" No. I'm not ok. I want to scream it.
I have a 3 and a 6 year old and I'm NOT ok. Not. Not. Fucking NOT!
Instead, I'm sitting around saying 'Yes lovely'. Feeling a fraud and wanting to tell everyone.
Just to feel less alone and terrified.
I am afraid that the cliquey mums will gossip and that my 6 y old will hear scary and incorrect things in the playground. I'm a teacher and have heard this sort of thing happen commonly. I'm so scared for him. My daughter is young and , all being well she won't know what's happening.
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Life-limiting illness
Still in shock... and very scared
15 replies
GoodnessKnows · 15/12/2013 06:20
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