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I have decided I don't want to live any more

(98 Posts)

Had hospital appointment today, have arthritis
Doesn't sound that bad does it compared to those suffering with cancer etc

Except that I have other health issues and this has tipped me over the edge of being able to cope

It won't get better, only worse. My joints will become ugly and deformed and my mobility will decrease until god knows what

I'm off sick from work but can't afford to live or pay any bills yet probably won't get DLA or ESA and can't cope with begging them for it and jumping through their hoops

I don't want to carry on, to become the burden on my family, to live a painful and miserable existence

I'm trying my best to word it so I can explain to my son and husband why - I don't want them to carry any guilt

How do you tell someone that you want to die ?
How do I leave my son ? Catch 22 really

SofaKing Sat 29-Dec-12 17:46:43

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Hey korma I am going to try and find out what my friend takes to see if you can find out about it.
Glad to see you back on here, agree with ^ poster saying go to the doc re your mental health, there may be a way of coping with your physical symptoms if you feel better mentally.

Can you say where you are in case any of us are near you?

Thank you netto that's incredibly kind if you

Well I've had a nap and some food and things still look pretty bleak.
I can't stop feeling like I am going to let my boy down by not being fit and well enough for him.

I'm just planning on taking one day at a time for the immediate future - looking ahead just makes me feel sad and panicked

I need to lose a ton of some weight so I'm making that my focus. Overhauling my diet and drinking will give me something to focus on and 'do'

Checkpoint - I'm West Midlands x

Wolfiefan Sat 29-Dec-12 21:08:45

I'm a good hour plus away. Wish I was closer!
I'm hoping controlling weight, medication and perhaps trying every natural remedy known to man will help you to cope.
I have knackered my back this year. My kids don't see the sore, knackered mummy who can't lift them. They wouldn't care if an illness left me looking like a gargoyle! They love me (mostly!) I bet your family and friends feel the same.
Hoping for sun soon. Warm weather please MN. Anyone have a hot tub or swimming pool you can use?

noddyholder Sat 29-Dec-12 21:09:38

How old is your ds I have one ds too ad have always been ill have had 2 transplants and have various immunity issues. It is all do able in small churns with support x

noddyholder Sat 29-Dec-12 21:10:39

Chunks sorry!

Hello love, I am east so not particularly close sad!
Have emailed my friend to see if she can give me the name of what she takes.

Also if you are wanting to lose weight, come over to the NOW or NEVER thread, we have all lost quite a bit, and some of us, ahem, still have a bit to go
<hiding pizza box under sofa> so you will get loads of support from us, and we have a wheelchair user who is just so bloody motivated and keeps the rest of us going!

I expect your boy loves you dearly and will be perfectly happy with his mum, ask him! Or at least ask him for a hug grin how old is he?
X

Yes Wolfe my friend does reiki so I'm game for that and have used acupuncture successfully in the past so going to look at that
Can't afford to do it though lol

My DS is 9 so old enough to feel embarrassed by having a disabled mum and also old enough to resent the lack of theme parks/ bike rides/ climbing this year

Will have a look at now or never thanks * checkpoint*

Halo21 Sat 29-Dec-12 21:17:55

Please speak to your doctor. You sound like such a gentle, lovely person. My heart goes out to you and I'm so sorry you're struggling at the moment. Your dh and ds need and love you. Please stay strong.

giraffesCantFlyLikeReindeer Sat 29-Dec-12 21:23:47

Korma, I really like you on here, am very sad to read how crap you are feeling. So pleased you have posted though. Am not really sure what to suggest that hasn't been suggested/mentioned. Do keep posting/talking and looking for options to help your head get to a better place. I might even sneak in a wee kiss if no one is looking x shh, I won't tell if you don't! wink

Bunbaker Sat 29-Dec-12 21:25:04

I just wanted to add that you really need to see your GP asap.

One of my friends has arthritis and UC and she has undergone a lot of surgery because of her conditions, but the surgery has given her a new lease of life. Please don't rule it out.

Familyguyfan Sat 29-Dec-12 21:26:14

Hi Korma, I can't imagine what you're going through, but did want to contribute one thing.

My mother was very ill when I was a teenager and tried to kill herself twice. Honestly, I couldn't have cared less what was wrong with her, or even how devastated she felt. NOTHING could have justified her leaving me. Nothing. There was no justification she could have made, no embarrassment I wouldn't have overlooked, just for her to stay with me. Nothing was as important.

I'm not trying to guilt you, or make you feel guilty. Honestly, I'm not, nor am i lacking in empathy. I'm just trying to tell you what your little boy would tell you, God forbid you ever asked him. I was very lucky in that my mother recovered, but I know that many people don't. However, I do want you to understand, to your son, you are irreplaceable and he cannot live without you. At your bleakest moments, take it from someone who knows, you must find a way forward.

I really hope you find a way through this and feel a little better soon.

Good god, I don't do theme parks or bike rides!!! I can do pulling silly faces, tickling, reading stories and colouring. DH does all that other stuff, or school or nursery in the case of my two and they are ten and four.

Don't stress about that at all.

I wonder if you might get acupuncture on the nhs? X

giraffes that's the first time I've smiled in a while, a cheeky wee kiss indeed grin

Again, thank you to all of you for taking the time to post, I cannot stress to you how much I appreciate it and it has helped

I can't look forward, it's too scary but I can see that my little boy needs me and I can't leave him, he just would never understand would he ?

I thought I'd write him a letter and he would see why but he won't will he ? He will only see that I have chosen to leave him and I don't think I can do that

Wolfiefan Sat 29-Dec-12 21:58:05

Don't leave him please. I can't imagine life without my mum and I'm 40!
Have you been referred to a specialist or pain clinic? Take it a day at a time and always find support here you brave lady.

Familyguyfan Sat 29-Dec-12 21:59:38

Hi Korma

No, I'm afraid he won't. Even if you have the most incredible writing skills, he won't understand. Honestly, I never would have forgiven my mother.

I know it seems bleak, but you can't leave him so you need to just take it one step at a time to find a way to make it bearable, and you will. I have complete faith, even if you don't.

I really do not deserve your kindness but thank you, from the very bottom of my swinging brick

God bless you all

Familyguyfan Sat 29-Dec-12 22:10:05

Korma, everything will turn out for the best. Boring platitudes I know, but I firmly believe. My mother was terribly ill for nearly ten years, but she found a way out of her upset and depression and started to cope, and then finally got better.

She watched me get married, saw my first child born and I am just newly pregnant. All of the events on my life would have been gripped with sadness without her, an even greater sadness if she had deliberately taken herself away.

You can make it through to your son's own moments. You wouldn't want to miss them...

wonkylegs Sat 29-Dec-12 22:19:31

Korma you really need to talk to somebody, on here is a start but a real person too. I have RA (in fact sitting here posting as I've just injected my RA drugs in to my leg & letting it settle a bit).
I remember diagnosis when I was 19, it was bleak, I was wheelchair bound my career hopes dashed & I had some dark thoughts very dark thoughts.... It's now 14 yrs later and I am at a point I couldn't even have imagined back then (no wheelchair, career + a specilism in accessibility) One step on that road was talking to a counsellor - I don't think she said much but talking it through, the diagnosis, the disease, my life, my desperation, sadness & bitterness (it bloody wasn't fair) really helped.
The drugs I'm on now have changed my life, at diagnosis 14 yrs ago they weren't even available. You don't know what's going to be round the corner, let the people who love you help you round that corner.
I recommend arthritis care as a wonderful source of help & support too
Sending lots of love & gentle hugs... Please start walking towards that new corner not away x

ouryve Sat 29-Dec-12 22:22:54

Kormachameleon I'm sorry that the news you've had is such a shock. I have a boy your DS's age and one a little younger and I also have arthritis, though mine is as a result of my hypermobile joints wearing out prematurely, rather than rheumatoid. Finding a treatment routine that keeps on top of the pain helped me a lot, though there are times when I just hurt all over and the boys are fighting or needing my help with something and it is a struggle to keep up, so I do understand your worries there. We mostly adapt, though. Yes, I'm sometimes thoroughly knackered and a bit crabby with it and very often, the boys are disappointed because I can't pull some stubborn lego apart for them because I don't have enough strength in my hands, but I'm still mum. And I'm still their mum and i suspect that they actually do love me, even when we're all cross with each other for whatever reason.

Your DS wouldn't understand if you left him without a mum, no matter what you told him. He loves you as you are. Just as all kids are different, their parents are all different, too. He probably will get sad with you if you struggle with whatever treatment you turn out to need but he's not going to be embarrassed about having a disabled mum, or anything. Certainly no more than it's his job to be embarrassed by you, because you are his mum and kids always will be a bit embarrassed by their parents! He might get frustrated with you for not being able to do things, but he would be absolutely devastated and possibly quite angry if you left him without his mum.

Talk to your GP about how you're feeling and please discuss it with your DH. You're going through a form of bereavement and sharing is an important part of reaching acceptance.

You are all right. I can't leave him, I'm sure he would rather have me to moan at and be a bit embarrassed by than not have me at all
I love him so much I just wanted to be a good mum for him

Hassled Sat 29-Dec-12 22:48:40

You will be a good mum to him - your love for him is obvious to all of us, and that is enough to make you be a good mum. He doesn't need someone who can abseil and use the monkey bars; he needs someone who can sit and listen and discuss and advise - and you can do all that.

Another one here who lost their mum young - it's taken me a lifetime to recover from. You're never the person you could/should have been. You carry the baggage around with you from place to place and you learn to cope, but it doesn't stop being baggage, IYSWIM.

Keep posting, take all the support and help you can possibly get.

porridgelover Sat 29-Dec-12 23:10:21

Korma I dont 'know' you on here. But it feels wrong to read your thread and walk past.
You have been dealt a hard hand, there's no doubt. But you have also got a DS who, no matter what else happens, loves adores and needs you.

Nothing you could say or record or write would make up the loss to him.

Yes he cant go to park or on rides or whatever...but if you could envisage the adult him that grew up without you, there is no doubt that the adult mini-Korma would swop it all for you.
Thats the truth and I think you sound lovely enough to know it.

One day at a time- I know its trite, but it was made for days like this. Looking to the future is too heavy, try to carry today and tomorrow only.

<<hugs>>

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