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Just had to say goodbye to my nan....

(20 Posts)
hugandroll Sat 27-Oct-12 19:56:05

She got diagnosed with lung cancer at the beginning of the month.

My nan is like a second mum to me. Don't care if this "outs" me but I lived with her for a while when I was a child and my happiest childhood memories are with her.

She saw me get married, saw my two gorgeous boys and loved them and my husband emensely. She is a very straight talking woman but loving, kind and generous with it and a bloody brilliant cook. I got my love of baking from her and she taught me all I know in that area.

She never got to have chemo and the cancer has always been inoperable. She got a chest infection a week ago and on Wednesday she was taken into hospital with suspected fluid on her lungs. She was scanned Thursday which confirmed she did, by Friday night we got the call from my grandad that there was nothing more they could do.

I drove to the hospital from Wales to England last night to see her. It was lovely to see her but awful to see her like she is. I took photos of the boys, she didn't remember ds2 (nearly 6 months) and thought all the photos were of ds1 (4 years). She was confused, struggling to breathe and didn't want to wear her oxygen mask.

I stayed with family overnight and went back to the hospital this morning before coming back to Wales. That will be the last time I see her alive, the last time I speak to her. She can't drink or eat and is so tired. She is in pain and is suffering. I selfishly don't want her to die but will be glad when its done and she's at peace.

The call could be any time. There is nothing more the hospital can do. She can't even have her blood pressure taken as it doesn't register. We are all surprised we didn't get the call last night.

My poor mum and my poor aunt, I can't imagine what they are feeling. I'm numb and devastated at the same time and they are not losing a grandparent, they are losing their mum. My grandad is losing the love of his life. They are still so much in love, the way they were looking at each other in the hospital you can tell they would still do anything for each other.

So here I am, waiting for my phone to ring. Ds2 is too young to be aware but how do I tell ds1 when it happens? He loves his great grandmother so much.

I haven't cried. I'm numb. I want to cry but the tears don't come. I'm stuck in a state of disbelief. I'm on antidepressants due to PND and wonder if that's why I haven't cried.

Lung cancer is vicious. It has taken less than a month to consume her and its a horrendous, traumatic and painful way to go. I just can't get my head around the fact I will never see her again.

StillIRiselikeAZombie Sat 27-Oct-12 20:00:25

sad

She sounds wonderful.

hugandroll Sat 27-Oct-12 20:44:09

Thank you, she is, there will be a hole in our family that won't be filled.

TunipTheHollowVegemalLantern Sat 27-Oct-12 20:51:02

I'm so sorry Hugandroll. She sounds lovely.
Crying often comes later - don't worry about not being able to.
Hugs.

RandallPinkFloyd Sat 27-Oct-12 20:59:38

I'm so sorry Hug, wish I had some comforting words that could help but I really don't.

I'm just so so sorry x

poachedeggs Sat 27-Oct-12 21:01:57

Oh sad so sorry.

It's been very sudden so an awful lot to get your head around. Re your DS, we've recently lost my MIL to cancer and I took some good advice from Mumsnet. When the end was close I explained to DS (5) that she was very, very ill, so ill that the doctors weren't able to make her better. He asked if she might die. I said that was what we thought would happen, and that we were sad, and it was OK to be sad.

When DH broke the news of her death to him he had a cry and then went off to play. We're trying to let him talk when he wants, and keeping him busy as much as possible.

I hope her passing is peaceful x

hugandroll Sat 27-Oct-12 21:12:41

Thank you poached I will explain it to him tomorrow.

Thank you all for your messages, I'm still trying to make sense of it all and writing it down helps.

hugandroll Mon 29-Oct-12 20:20:18

My mum, auntie and granddad have been called back to the hospital to say goodbye. Waiting for the call to say she's gone.

thanks
Your Nan sounds like a wonderful woman.
I'm thankful you have all been able to say goodbye, I'm sorry you've had to see her in such a bad state....I hope all the good times you've shared with her are the strongest memories atm.

I hope she doesn't have to suffer through this much longer & she passes away with peace & dignity.

Wishing you all strength right now.
I'm sorry you'll have to break the news to DS. x

TunipTheHollowVegemalLantern Mon 29-Oct-12 20:42:14

thanks
How are you?
The memories of this stage will fade and in the end you'll remember the happy times.
All the best to you & your mum, auntie and grandad too.

hugandroll Mon 29-Oct-12 20:44:19

I'm still waiting for the call. I feel numb. I haven't cried yet I just feel vacant.

Do you have a favourite recipe your Nan gave/taught you that you could bake now or tomorrow (with DS?) to remind you of the good times?

When I've experienced a loss, doing something that reminds me of the happier moments with that person normally brings on the release of tears/emotion.

I hope DH is there to comfort you. x

TunipTheHollowVegemalLantern Mon 29-Oct-12 21:06:44

That's a good idea re the baking.
You should do that, Hugandroll x

hugandroll Mon 29-Oct-12 21:09:05

That is a good idea. Proper butterfly cakes or jam buns.

My dh is wonderful and is having the day off work tomorrow with me and the boys.

Hope you're having a peaceful day hugandroll, glad your DH has the day off.
x

hugandroll Wed 31-Oct-12 17:29:44

I can't believe she's gone. I can't cry, I'm numb but relieved she's not in pain anymore. I don't know how I'm supposed to be, not like this. There is something wrong with me.

I'm so sorry for your loss x

TunipTheHollowVegemalLantern Wed 31-Oct-12 17:35:23

Your feelings are very normal. It sometimes takes a while to sink in. When my grandma died it didn't really hit me till the funeral.
I still miss her but they are happy memories too.

For now, just keep on keeping on, and look after yourself. x

mckenzie Wed 31-Oct-12 17:43:49

so sorry to hear your sad news hugandroll.
It sometimes does take time to sink in, don't beat yourself up about it please. When you're ready to let go and cry I'm sure your DH and friends will be ready to support you. I hope that in time, your lovely memories of your marvellous nan will be much stronger than your grief and you will be able to enjoy reliving those happy times in stories to your DCs.

hugandroll Wed 31-Oct-12 17:47:50

Thank you for your kind words.

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