19, transgender and want a biological child

(185 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Ileran Sun 30-Oct-16 19:52:53

I'm a 19 year-old transgender male. I haven't received any hormones or surgery yet, meaning my body is the same as the body of a non-trans woman... except I'm a guy! I'm currently set to go on testosterone next year. This will masculine my body and make me a lot more comfortable in my own skin, but the effects on my fertility can't be predicted. The problem with this is that I want to have a biological child during my life, and I feel like it will bother me for my whole life if I couldn't do that because I chose hormones before pregnancy.

I understand that 19 is not the ideal age for most people to have a child and, ideally, I would wait a few years before doing it myself - but I can't face the thought of avoiding hormones for an unknown time until I'm older and "ready". I need to be moving forward in some way, whether that's having a child before I go on hormones or planning to have a child later and taking the risk that going on hormones could make me infertile. Of course, taking testosterone could have no effect on my fertility, or I could regain fertility if I stopped taking it again. The latter is still the choice I feel the most uneasy about.

I looked into storing my eggs, but the success rate isn't high enough for me to feel comfortable taking that chance. I'd consider adoption later in life, but I want at least one child that's biologically mine.

So, some details. I live with my parents and two brothers, and have been in a relationship for almost a year with my 21 year-old boyfriend. Both my family and boyfriend are understanding of my situation, and have promised to support me whatever choice I end up making.

Currently I don't have a stable job, but I do have a decent amount of money saved. I'm home educated, and will be completing my final courses next year. I've always been good with and enjoyed the company of babies and children, and have known I want children of my own from a young age. I've never been the kind of person who enjoyed going out and partying.

I understand that having a baby is a long-term commitment and a big decision, especially at the age I am, which is why I'm seeking opinions, advice, stories from people in situations similar to my own... anything except criticism of me being a trans man who wants to carry a baby. Thank you!

honeysucklejasmine Sun 30-Oct-16 19:59:08

I suppose it's a matter of what you feel is worse:
1) living with a fully female body until you habe had a child
2) start T now and take the chance you might never have a biological child.

Do you know if you're actually fertile anyway? So many people take it for granted then find out the hard way. Personally I would try to get my egg quality assessed and I would probably freeze them.

UncontrolledImmigrant Sun 30-Oct-16 20:01:47

I don't know if this is the best forum in the sense that I am not sure that there are many people who have been in your exact shoes

I can say that there is no such thing as the perfect time to have a baby, but some times are better than others. Family support especially for a young parent can make a massive difference.

Good luck x

IamNotDarling Sun 30-Oct-16 20:02:05

I don't think that Mumsnet is the right forum for you to ask these questions and get the advice you want.

If you consider yourself to be a man, why would you want to use your female reproductive organs to give birth to a child? confused

titchy Sun 30-Oct-16 20:04:11

You need a stable job and a stable home, and ideally relationship, first. It sounds like you're wanting a child to give you stability, but it should be the other way round - you give the child stability.

Work on getting your qualifications, a job and supporting yourself first. Then you'll have something to offer a child, and you'll know yourself what you need to do.

Qwerdy1234 Sun 30-Oct-16 20:04:21

Can I suggest contacting Sparkle. The national transgender charity. They are brilliant and offer all kinds of advice.

If you want to PM me to talk please feel free as I don't discuss Trans issues on MN.

YouHadMeAtCake Sun 30-Oct-16 20:07:37

Regardless of sex/gender, you have been with your partner for a very short time, you have no job and you live with your parents. You would be incredibly selfish to bring a child into this world on a whim.

CocktailQueen Sun 30-Oct-16 20:11:00

You haven't got a stable job, you don't have your own place to live, and you're in a new relationship. You'd be incredibly irresponsible and selfish to have a baby now.

Babies are not a right.

Having a baby is a huge, life-changing decison that puts a strain on even the strongest relationships and most stable woman.

HermioneWeasley Sun 30-Oct-16 20:11:22

You are 19, have no job, (currently) no qualifications and live with your parents. You are in no position to have a baby.

Also, I don't understand how you reconcile the desire to be seen as a man, but also to be pregnant and have your own biological child? Honestly, I think you need a lot more therapy before you start on treatments which may leave you sterile.

SpeckledyBanana Sun 30-Oct-16 20:11:33

IMHO you can't look after a child well, if you're not OK yourself. You need to give them security and stability. Your issues are never your children's problem.

And from your post, you don't sound like you're in a place that you think is OK.

ClaudiaJean2016 Sun 30-Oct-16 20:12:31

You can't have it all. You need to decide what is more important to you, changing your body or having a child.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Sun 30-Oct-16 20:14:27

I think you need to seek.some form of medical help/counselling about this. If you are dysphoric to the extent you need to change your body, I would worry about the impact your changing pregnant body would have on your mental health.

HummusForBreakfast Sun 30-Oct-16 20:20:44

Agree with other posters. Unfortunately, you can't have it all, the T to change you ur body/voice etc... and some functioning ovaries/uterus to get pregnant.
Also being pregnant is something that is very 'womanly' and I do wonder how your u would cope with having an as manly as possible body, living like a man etc... but going through the pg itself. It seems to be quite opposite to each other and I would really advise yOu to get some counselling about that first. It's NOT a criticism btw. Just worried about how you would cope emotionally with it, knowing that hormones will make it harder for you emotionally anyway?

As for being pregnant now... yes it is possible to get pg at 19yo. And yes it is hard work and yes it is probably not the best time, esp if you don't do it because you really want a baby now but because in some ways it's in the way of you doing the transition from F to M.

FruitCider Sun 30-Oct-16 20:21:28

I have a female to male trans friend called N. N wanted a child and so became pregnant in his late teens, before starting hormone therapy. He was so traumatised about being pregnant, which was so "female", he ended up having an abortion. This situation is nowhere as easy as you think, it seems you haven't considered all of the possibilities and your social circumstances mean this is not the right time to have a child.

Your sensible options are:
-Socially transition, but delay hormone treatment so you have time to decide if you can manage the female aspects of being pregnant and giving birth
-medically transition and risk your fertility further down the line.

I would not be suggesting you have a child at this stage.

Good luck with your future OP!

viques Sun 30-Oct-16 20:22:23

Hmm, having a baby is not ' a long term commitment' having a pet is a long term commitment. having a baby is forever.

I think you are in a not very stable place at the moment and need to make some decisions and find solutions about your home circumstances, your career and future economic stability first.

You are likely to meet huge problems along the way in the future. For your child's sake you need to have as many areas of your life as secure and sorted out as you can before you consider expecting a child to deal with your life choices as well.

Andcake Sun 30-Oct-16 20:22:50

What does your councillor or advisor suggest...as they have probably come across thus situation before.
Do you trust them you are deciding between 2 big things. Your bf what do they want is the relationship homosexual or heterosexual in your eyes...who do you plan to have relationships with in future as that could affect plans so if you are a man you may end up with a girlfriend wife who wants a child she gives birth to...

Amandahugandkisses Sun 30-Oct-16 20:25:48

But surely being PG will throw you off kilter mentally if you are psychologically focussed on being seen as male.
You may want to consider what that might do to your mental health.

ChocolateForAll Sun 30-Oct-16 20:27:00

I'd be very worried about the effect of a pregnancy body on your mental health. I'd definitely suggest some real professional help in working through these issues. I must warn you that sometimes mumsnet can be very anti-trans. I've been quite shocked by some of the comments I've read here on this topic in the past and I'm concerned that this isn't the right place for such an important conversation for you. Wishing you the very best of luck.

Ileran Sun 30-Oct-16 20:27:11

Thanks for the responses everyone smile

My body (presumably) has the potential to do an amazing thing that most men's bodies can't, and I don't see why it shouldn't! If I did choose pregnancy now, I wouldn't go on hormones until after I had had the child - they wouldn't affect its development at all.

I do plan to raise this issue in my next appointment at the gender identity clinic I go to, but feel it would help me to be more certain first.

Ileran Sun 30-Oct-16 20:29:45

Not absolutely certain about the rules for double-posting here, sorry, but I chose this site because I know it gets a lot of visitors. I am asking for opinions/advice on other sites as well.

0dfod Sun 30-Oct-16 20:32:37

Do you feel that you could happily go through a pregnancy whilst wanting to be a man?

You are not in the most stable position to have a baby, but many women are not and do have children.

If you have a good support system in place and your parents are happy for you to stay in the family home with your partner then I don't see why you should not have a child.

My question would be how would you feel being pregnant? You can't get much more female! Which is poles apart from you wanting to be a man. How would you cope with this?

You may find that looking at this issue in therapy would help you to come to an answer that you can work with.

What ever you decide I wish you happiness and clarity.

Mrsmorton Sun 30-Oct-16 20:33:08

What is a non-trans woman?

RiverTam Sun 30-Oct-16 20:35:04

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Icebearsaysno Sun 30-Oct-16 20:37:34

Have a female to male trans friend .... He did the marriage and 2 kids thing as a test .... He still was in the wrong body.. Mummy is now Daddy, the kids are coping and my buddy is very happy and in a LTR with another trans female to male!
Brilliant outcome! Life is too complicated and short to wait around.... You are in a relationship ... Use the body you were given to have your child and then get on the T .... Luckily you have these options !!!
Love and the very best wishes !

RiverTam Sun 30-Oct-16 20:41:46

Marriage and 2 kids as a fucking test??? Jesus Christ, how fucked up is that. That's right, darling, I brought you into the world to see how I felt about being female, and I decided it wasn't for me.

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