I dont want to be in charge of my step daughter

(15 Posts)
samirpatino Fri 09-Sep-16 13:37:37

Hello Everyone,

I have been married for 2 years now. Everything was fine until we moved to another state for him to be close to his children.

I helped him get custody of his teenage daughter. he has been whatever but a father it seems like he is letting her do whatever she wants because he says he feels guilty by not been with her when she was a child. I am actually really overwhelmed, this kid is nothing but trouble... she is not doing good a school, she is disrespectful to him and to me. she doesnt help around the house and allways locks her room door to be on her phone.

I told him I wasnt going to take care of here when he was out of state for work which I did.. then she went to her mom but her mom is bringing her here every day at 5am for school and 3 pm after school... I dont want her to be here for even just a min I've done for her more than even her biological mom has done, basic things like doctors appointments, school meetings, cooking for her healthy diets. and she shows no appreciation at all. In fact Im always the villain of the story.

so I started locking the doors so that the mom couldn't drop her here without my consent. Then the ex wife called my husband and told him that I basically I threw her daughter on the streets. (trust me even if it is what I want I wont be able to do so).

Long story short I told him and his ex that doors are to remain locked when he is not at home that if she is to drop her daughter here I will call child services for leaving her daughter unattended. then my husband said "well this is my daughters house" I said well it might be her house but Im legally in this house too so I wont open the doors to your daughter because Im not her custodian and I dont want to be in charge of her, whenever you come here you can open the doors to her but not me.

Im actually considering divorcing him because I dont really want to continue a life where a child has more authority than I do. and also I wont really want to be with someone who is not able to understand the differences between parenting and spoiling.

What you guys think?

Starryeyed16 Fri 09-Sep-16 13:43:09

I think you need to leave your husband, it is his child at the end of the day and she should come first. He should of spoken to you about access prior to having her come and stay. Could it be she is acting out as she feels shes not wanted?

samirpatino Fri 09-Sep-16 13:48:31

Thank you for your answer. she acts out for whatever reason. she has been suicidal I was the one taking her to psychologist and psychiatrist but still she refuses to take her medicines and her dad is letting her get away with that.

Besides, she is always first and Im tired of not been taken into account. I agreed for him to bring his daughter but I didnt agree for her been this misbehaved

Waltermittythesequel Fri 09-Sep-16 13:52:56

You need to leave because you're far too selfish to be parenting any child, or in a relationship with a parent.

I have no idea why you've posted in this section, either.

You need to grow up or find someone childless.

Jackie0 Fri 09-Sep-16 13:55:18

I'd run a mile.
I think her father needs to figure out childcare for his child while he is at work, which is presumably what the girl's mother does when she has her at their home.

reallyanotherone Fri 09-Sep-16 13:56:44

If your issue is her behaviour I think kicking the poor girl out is not the answer.

Sit her down. Explain her behaviour means you struggle to take care of her. Apolgise for kicking her out rather than deal with the behaviour.

Tell her she's always welcome, it's her home, but you live there too so there has to be some compromise. She is civil to you, and finds some manners, and both of you find some way to live together.

That as a starting point at least, and hopefully the relationship will develop.

If you don't want to put the effort in to help the child, yes, divorce him and leave.

Arfarfanarf Fri 09-Sep-16 14:00:15

I think divorce really is your best option. A father should always put his child first. They are a package and that is how it should be. They shouldn't feel their parent's home is not their home. The behaviour certainly sounds challenging and if you can't cope with that then for your sake you should remove yourself from the situation.

You've said what your boundaries are and it sounds like he doesn't think that's something he can accept.

She sounds like a troubled child. A parent can't and should not and must not walk away from that and a step parents should never expect them to. We don't get to ditch our kids when they aren't behaving well or when they need us the most. But you aren't her parent and if you don't want this, that is entirely your choice. It sounds like it is simply too much for you to cope with.

Have you told him that you think it is best to split?

samirpatino Fri 09-Sep-16 14:01:26

Thank you for the advise.

samirpatino Fri 09-Sep-16 14:07:36

I have told him I want to split and he has said he will change the way thinks are around the house. that I should give him another chance.. but this never had happened. He doesn't run away from his kid fiscally but as a parent he is absent he is not there to be the guidance the roll model or even the one who acts as a real parent... basically he lets her do whatever she wants to do and gives her vacations expensive gifts even if she has done no meritation to deserve it... like when she was taken for a vacation to the beach when she failed 8th grade.

CodyKing Fri 09-Sep-16 14:09:02

If it's your DH time with DSD then he is responsible for her care and should arrange childcare - you have not agreed to care for her - married or not

You wouldn't expect this from a friend so why would you is someone is saying no?

You DH and DSD mother need to arrange something between themselves or court - and not assume you are an unpaid babysitter

Arfarfanarf Fri 09-Sep-16 14:09:23

well then you gave him a chance and he chose to keep things the way they are, didn't he?

You have to decide if you meant what you said or if there's a different option.

samirpatino Fri 09-Sep-16 14:16:23

Thank you all for your messages it makes me feel like im not alone in this...

I would say I didnt get married to get a divorce 2 years after but the circumstances are different now, he doesnt come with a solution and instead of bringing ideas to the table he just assumes I will be ok with whatever he or she want to do.

I believe Marriage is not all peaches and cream but it doesnt have to be this way either .

WellErrr Fri 09-Sep-16 14:19:16

Of course his daughter comes first. She's his daughter.

He should divorce you.

CodyKing Fri 09-Sep-16 14:24:14

Of course his daughter comes first.

But he's not there to care for her - so he's not putting her first at all - he's allowing his DD to be dumped on a door step. By his DD mother who doesn't seem to want to care for her either.

Had OP made arrangements to look after her and was given the support she needs do this by her husband and he didn't go against his daughters best interest - ie taking her medication - and allowing OP to parent - then this would be entirely different

samirpatino Fri 09-Sep-16 14:36:18

Basically I embraced her as my own child I did all what needed to be done. I did homework with her, she is over weight and I took her to the nutritionist, I cooked for her every day all the time. got her a treadmill for her to work out at home. got her a subscription at the gym took her to the gym. I went to all her school meetings (this was while his dad was out of state for work for a period of 2 months) but when her dad came around things totally changed. She didnt want to go on the treadmill was falling all her grades at school, she came from school directly to the bed and only woke up to eat never did homework among other things, I did what I supposes was the best thing to do... I talked to them both and they compromised to do things differently but this never happened, things actually had a twist for the worst. nothing of what we agreed on was taken into consideration besides I felt not only raising my husbands child but also my husband .. he never took a step forward for the betterment of his daughter..

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