Will my mum get over herself? re: lesbian daughter?(7 Posts)
Am I being unreasonable to think that my mum should get over herself?
(Was going to post in AIBU but decided against it - because think people on this board might be more supportive .
I am a regular poster but have name changed due to the sensitive nature of this post.
My sister, who is 5 years younger than me is a lesbian and has been living with her life partner for around 6-7 years. My sister told my parents about 15 years ago (ie when she was around 20) that she was either bisexual or lesbian and was working it out, since then she concluded that she was not bisexual but was lesbian.
I have always been supportive (she told me around 18 years ago), and although my other sister and my brother weren't so supportive etc initially, they have since got over it.
My sister is 18 weeks pregnant (IUI with sperm donor) and I am very happy for her. However my mother will not accept it at all. My mum has over the past 15 years said some pretty hateful stuff - initially saying that she thought the lesbianism was a "phase" and that my sister was doing it just to hurt my mum. Also worse stuff that I don't really want to do into her, but along the lines that my sister shouldn't have children due to her being an abomination (yes my parents are religious but that hasn't stopped my Dad getting over it). Me, my other sister and brother are also religious and we have got over it to.
So what now? My sister said she went out for dinner and my mum didn't ask how she was - basically she (my mum) is still in denial about situation. Will this change when the baby arrives? My sister and my parents both live abroad in same country - around 45 min drive between them (ie different cities) - but near compared to me.
And how can I help my sister? She lives abroad but we speak often (ie whatapp several times a day).
Unfortunately I don't see there being an easy answer here. Your mum sounds like she will not be any support to your sister and tbh I am surprised your dsis has anything to do with her. If my mum thought I was an 'abomination' then I would not be going out to dinner with her!!
What a shame. Of course YANBU. Your mum will miss out on being a grandma to the baby if she carries on like this, so it is her missing out, as well as very hurtful for your sister. Have you talked to your mum about her attitude? If you share religious beliefs perhaps you could help her see sense.
Could you have a frank discussion with your mum and say it's time she got over this now or she will not be able to know her grandchild? I too am surprised your sister goes for dinner with her, unless she had done so mistakenly thinking an olive branch was going to be offered.
If she's religious, she should be familiar with the principle of 'hate the sin, love the sinner', so that even if she finds your sister's identity troubling, she ought to be able to put that aside out of love for her. (I am not, of course, saying being gay is a sin - just addressing that mindset.)
To answer some of the points.
Yes my sister is concluding she shouldn't have much to do with my mum. But my dad is more supportive - and my parents come as a package deal. We all talk to talk to my dad about it but he basically keeps on saying that my mum can't accept it. I think also my mum is thinking that its embarrassing for her to have a gay daughter? ie that her friends will be judgeypants?
re: my mum said this grandchild wouldn't be the same as my children since me and DH are married and they "love" my DH and this baby is the result of a sperm donor [Hmm].
re: religious - not sure what my mum thinks - I guess initially that my sister should stay celibate and (given my sister has a partner) then I guess her and her partner should stay childless as I guess my mum thinks its wrong to bring a baby into the world in these circumstances (I do not share this view at all, I think my sister and her partner will be great parents). I think my mums view of religion and mine differ and its partly a generational thing. I found this out when I mentioned my sister's pregnancy at work, and my [older] colleague who isn't religious at all said he would disown his son if he was gay .
re: dinner, I guess my sister is trying again and again to give my mum a chance to come to terms with it. Yes maybe she should give up.
Just all a shame as my sister is very hurt now, although TBH I don't know what she expected. My mum's views haven't changed over the years. Its my mum that will miss out as my DC and my brothers DC are in a different country to her, so this is a grandchild who would be fairly local.
This is a sad story. I suspect and truly hope that once the baby arrives your mum will be so wrapped up in being grandma she will forget her judgments. Bless your dad, sounds like my dad, probably spends his life just trying to keep the peace!
Good luck to your sister and do hope that your mum comes round xx
I'm in a mixed race relationship, and initially my parents struggled with it (though they weren't overtly against the relationship).
The arrival of grandchildren made a huge difference to their attitude.
I hope the same happens with your mom. If not, I think your sister should cut her out.
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