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Parents having huge problem accepting their son is gay(3 Posts)
I would really appreciate some advice on how to handle this, or if anyone has any experience of this.
My lovely brother in law is gay. He came out to his parents about 12 years ago. They are very conservative. It didn't go down too well, especially with my mother in law. She didn't really speak to him for about a year. His father doesn't really accept his sexuality but is determined not to lose his son over this. His boyfriends have always been introduced to their long term friends as 'his friend'. What's ironic is their three close friends know/had their suspicions and are more angry that my inlaws haven't told them themselves.
My brother in law met his current partner about 2 years ago, after a lot of relationship heartache for him. They moved in together after about a year, and 3 months ago they got engaged. His partner is lovely, they are extremely happy together. We are so happy that he is happy and in love. Brother in law is godfather to dc2. Partner is godfather to dc3. They are also legal guardians to my 3dc should anything happen to dh and I. What I am trying to say is as a mother, if my ds ever was as happy as bil is now in a relationship, I would be so pleased/proud/happy for him.
But inlaws refuse to acknowledge their engagement. They haven't sent an engagement card. They have told no one they are getting married. I have spoken to father in law and he has admitted that they are struggling with accepting his sexuality, and just don't 'get' this marriage. He cites it as a generation thing, which I understand, but imo that is not good enough. It may help to understand perhaps but does not excuse their behaviour.
I am at a loss as what to do. I don't want to interfere but I am very upset that bil and his partner are unable to celebrate the fact that they are engaged/getting married, something that I see is a momentous occasion. I mean it is momentous in the fact that they are so in love and ready to get married. The inlaws are also a bit cross in which dh and I have told our children. The dc are not really phased by it. In fact they are v excited and have told all their friends about it.
So would really appreciate on how to deal with inlaws, partly because I am fed up of bil not being able to celebrate and also because I feel their behaviour is unacceptable. Grrrrrrr.
You have to take your lead from your BIL and his partner. If he is treating his parents as usual then it would be disrespectful and interfering of you to do otherwise.
My family on DH and my own side, is particularly mixed in relationship to sexuality. MIL is out as a lesbian and her daughter...my SIL is too.
Two of my uncles are gay and so is my brother. Not all of our family finds this easy....however, I don't respond to them badly because my relations don't.
MIL also refers to her partner and also her DDs partner as "Friends" "This is X's friend" when she means girlfriend.
It's not up to you to deal with the inlaws. It's up to your BIL to work that one out.
If you get on with your in laws, perhaps you could chat to them about what marriage means. It's such a poor argument to say you get married to have children. Most people marry for many reasons, but the main one is a public announcement and commitment to this person being the one they want to live with for better or worse etc.
It's about wanting a long term, monogamous relationship. it may be, for them, about looking into adoption of surrogacy, and needing to feel settled in the eyes of the law before doing this.
If you can help your in laws see that their only stumbling block is gender, that the relationship ticks all other boxes they approve of, then they might start to understand why the marriage is valid and give their support.
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