I think my son is gay/bisexual

[troubledmother]

Please don't slate me as I have been totally slated on another forum. I just went on because I needed someone to talk to.

I have done something really bad, my son is quite secretive and I was worried about him, drinking a fair bit and I just wanted to know what was going on in his life. He left his FB open and I looked. I expected to find talk about him drinking and getting off with girls and this is what I found but I also found out that he has been also getting off with boys and in one case has performed oral sex.

The lad who this took place with let him do it but obviously regretted it afterwards and they were having a long conversation about it and my son's sexuality. The other lad asked if my son was gay or bi-sexual and my son said he didn't know probably bi.

I am so shocked because it was so unexpected, at the moment I am alternating between thinking I can handle it and being grief stricken about the situation. I cannot tell my son what I know, I cannot talk to my husband about it as he is away.

[charade]

How old is he?

[SnapesOnAPlane]

Grief stricken? Was that just a bad choice of words?

Sit him down if you need a chat, let him know that you saw his facebook that he left open and tell him you know. Just tell him what you've posted - you were concerned about his drinking and snooped.
How long is your DH away for? I think if you're going to tell him you've snooped, it's better to have the conversation sooner rather than later.

Is there a reason you're taking it badly? Religion? It's really not a terrible thing, please don't think it is!

[DreamsTurnToGoldDust]

I think it really depends on how old your son is. If you want to talk to him about it then you will have to admit to snooping, but if your in such a state about it it would probably be best to take a few days to get your head around it.

[DreamsTurnToGoldDust]

Sorry, didnt finish. Hes still the same boy that he was yesterday, and he could still be trying to make sense of it all himself.

[troubledmother]

He is 17.

Sorry I am not very good at explaining myself. It is just the shock of finding out, I just cannot tell him how I found out because he would hate me. If he is gay then fine we will deal with it when he feels he can tell us.

I cannot explain why I feel this way, I think it is the way I deal with shock or upset, I get very sick and I have even known my periods to stop. I guess it is just the way my body handles it. I have more to say but I am just about to go and pick him up from work, so I will come back to this later.

[DreamsTurnToGoldDust]

I think what I would do, is find another way of letting him know that you know, mothers instinct maybe? It`ll be ok [hugs]

[troubledmother]

I think you are right, I have just dropped him at a party and will be picking him up later, ideally it would be good to get him to talk when he is a little tipsy. Or is that cheating?

[Amytheflag]

Hmmm, its a bit creepy of me to comment on this maybe since I recognise your post from the other forum (where you were "slated" because you came across as very homophobic with the use of stuff like "grief stricken" and worse) but I feel sorry for your son so I'll comment anyway.

If I were you, I wouldn't approach this topic with him when he's tipsy because he may react badly if he realises you looked on his FB and you may get a much more OTT response than if you sat him down sober and talked to him. I do think it's quite worrying how shocked you are especially in this day and age but then you might be a little older than I'm thinking so maybe that explains it. Also, if you are going to deal with it when he tells you, trying to wheedle it out of him is kind of not really doing that!

[troubledmother]

If you saw my posts on the other forum then you may have seen me copy what someone else said. I am not Homophobic, what I am is shocked and upset because I had no idea.

The other lady said that whilst she said all the right things inside she was sad because her son was taking a more difficult path, sad because of the prejudice he will meet, not sad because he won't be following the traditional route. Sad and worried about him coming up against violent bigots. But then as another poster said I was already worried about him going out and about in town because there is always some yobs looking for a fight and you don't have to be gay to be unlucky enough to get embroiled in something like that.

As I said before, I am not homophobic but some people on that forum chose to pick out odd sentences or words and twist it into some it wasn't meant to be. When I say grief stricken I don't mean because he may be gay I am casting him out as though he had died, I am just struggling to convey what a shock it was for me. Having just picked him up though and the conversation we had in the car part of me thinks oh maybe he is just experimenting. For now I am just gong to let time take its course and just be loving and supportive. He had a difficult enough year coming up with his a levels, Uni etc..

[DreamsTurnToGoldDust]

I get you, I found something that indicated that my DB was gay, (long story but parents are dead he lived with me) I wanted to tell him it was OK and that I was there for him but couldnt as I would have to admit I had been snooping (I hadnt really, maybe a little ) I ended up not talking to him about it and so weve just carried on which saddens me greatly. I just want him to live his life in his own way and be happy.<br /> <br /> Oh, its so difficult, just be there for him I suppose, and when/if he lets you know you are ready. Im no help at all am I. Or, as I said before, just ask him and say you have a feeling.................

I know exactly what you mean, (about being greif sticken, your not, just that you want to be there for him) xxx

[TiggyD]

I would say you heard a rumour rather than had a snoop. (Snooping is natural and inevitable if you are worried about your children. No biggy to me, but it would be to him.)

[daytoday]

Don't say you hear a rumour - it could be soul destroying for your son to think that the 'news is out' so to speak - before he is ready.

I think I would be shocked if I were in your shoes. But to be honest I'd be shocked to read anything sexual about my kids.

So give it time for the shock to settle -

I don't think I would say anything. He is young - He might just be experimenting and never want you to know.

Be calm and loving and perhaps enhance the idea in him, that you love him regardless. He may be struggling in himself with his sexuality

[TiggyD]

Good point. Don't say you heard a rumour. Ignore the prat who said that.

[fantashtic]

Please don't feel bad about your initial reaction (being grief stricken).
I'm a lesbian and when I told my mum, this was her initial reaction (and it lasted several months). She isn't homophobic, but it was a complex reaction to my 'news' which encompassed shock, fear, concern and ignorance. She didn't deserve a slating and neither do you.

Don't let your son know you feel 'grief stricken' as this is terribly damaging. But know that you are not the only parent to feel grief at this time.

After a year, my mum seemed to come out the other side, could see my happiness and now loves my partner. We are closer than ever now.