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How do you divide your outgoings with your dp?

(95 Posts)
whatshallwedo Tue 16-Jul-13 20:57:22

I have returned to work part-time so have halved my wage.
Dp and I have always paid the same amount into our joint account to cover the mortgage, council tax, water, tv licence and life insurance. He then pays for food, gas and electricity while I pay for dd's clothes, toys and activities. We don't have childcare costs thankfully.

Now that I am unable to earn any extra money I'm not sure that this way is entirely fair now but dp begrudges giving me any money and wants to know why I need it etc which makes me feel as though I am being unreasonable for asking him.

I have worked out that my wage is equivalent to 23% of his if that makes a difference to my question.

So could you please give me an idea of what other people do and feel free to tell me I am lucky (or not) with the way things are already.

If you have children together 50:50 then everything else is 50:50, IMHO.

whatshallwedo Tue 16-Jul-13 21:06:45

That would be pushing my luck way too far if I suggested 50/50. Dp would never agree to that.

SprinkleLiberally Tue 16-Jul-13 21:09:39

Are children the reason for returning part time? If so then why would you not do 50/50? Why should you suffer because of joint children

Tiredemma Tue 16-Jul-13 21:11:11

Pushing your luck???.

I don't understand this 'splitting finances'.

Everything goes in and out of one account. No percentage split. It's money earned by both.

Thurlow Tue 16-Jul-13 21:13:18

In that situation I'd pay a similar percentage. If your DP pays 50% of his salary into the joint account now, and the same amount works out to be 80% of your salary, then I would rejig it so it is, say, 60% of each of your salaries.

It sounds like the money you have left over in your account is 'your' money, and DP has more of 'his' money left at the end of the month? This is how DP's and my finances work, though fortunately neither of us have run out of 'our' money by the end of the month, so no question of the split of income has yet raised its head.

Where does the money for big ticket items come from - what if you wanted a holiday, or needed a new fridge? Would your DP insist you chipped in for those too, even though by the sounds of it you have very little money left at the end of the month?

As I say, we keep our finances quite separate out of habit but it doesn't mean that the money in our individual accounts is only ours. The moment money is needed to be pooled then it is.

stargirl1701 Tue 16-Jul-13 21:14:21

All money earned goes into joint account. We both get an equal amount of the disposable income left after the bills are paid and savings invested. It's all family money regardless of who earned it.

Why would you divide it any other way?

PowderMum Tue 16-Jul-13 21:16:19

To me it should not be 50:50 but shared resources.

We have different salaries at present mine is around 25% of the income, for us it all goes into 1 pot and we then spend what we can afford between the family, there is no his money or her money.

AllSWornOut Tue 16-Jul-13 21:16:23

"Pushing my luck"? You are a family with a joint responsibility for your DC and presumably your "D"P was part of the decision making about you going back part time. Anything other than 50:50 is selfishness on his part angry

Everything goes into a joint account here, we pay ourselves a personal allowance into our private accounts (same amount each) and household costs and savings all come directly out of the joint account.

YonicTheHedgehog Tue 16-Jul-13 21:23:26

All in one pot here too, 'cept I'm a SAHM now so I have nothing to share. We get the same weekly spends for booze, haircuts or whatever and everything else comes straight out of the joint account. Hope you come to an arrangement you're both happy with.

whatshallwedo Tue 16-Jul-13 21:25:12

Yes I have returned part-time due to dd so I now only work for half of the week.

We both have our own accounts and any money left in the after bills is our own. Dp has a couple of debts he has to pay but they aren't anything to do with me as the money wasn't borrowed for the benefit of us iyswim.

He isn't very open about his money so until recently I didn't actually know how much he earned.

If we need to buy a big item then there is a small amount of savings in the joint account but this is mostly used to pay for boiler services and home insurance as it is only made up of what is left over at the end of each month.

We need to buy dd a big item and he wanted to know how we were paying for it so I have said 50/50 otherwise money used from the joint account won't get replaced.

I don't have any money left over at the end of the month now so the amount I used to be able to save for car insurance and services etc has been cut which is why I had asked for money from him but I'm not sure if that was the correct thing to do.

lovelyredwine Tue 16-Jul-13 21:29:16

We have 1 joint account that both our wages are paid into. Everything comes out of that. If either of us wants an expensive or unusual item we discuss whether we can afford it before buying it.

My dh earns 3 times as much as me since I went back after maternity leave part time into a different job. We both see the money we earn as family money rather than my money and his money.

Thurlow Tue 16-Jul-13 21:36:59

I'm sorry, but that sounds pretty awful.

To expand on what I said above, DP and I keep all of our monthly salary that isn't moved over to the joint account in our own bank accounts. I prefer this, as I spend more money during a month and on things that he doesn't - clothes, make up, coffee shop coffees etc. I feel more comfortable taking it out of my account than a shared account. He's a good boy and saves more, but at the end of the day that money is 'our' money, so its only pedantry that says our money is separate.

You are a family. You are paying for childcare - by you working p/t. If you worked f/t and had to pay for childcare, would he make you take that out of your salary? And you don't have your car, your family runs two cars and they both need to be paid for out of your total joint income. The correct thing to do is just to tell him that you keep finding you need more money than is technically in your account, so either everything goes into one account and you run your life from that account, or you pay considerably less into the joint account.

He's either a complete child, or he's being financially abusive, especially considering it sounds like he earns a lot more than you.

MaryKatharine Tue 16-Jul-13 21:37:05

I never understand threads like these!
Surely you are a family unit not two separate people earning your own money? All monies should be pooled together as family money.
I teach part time. DH earns about 10x what I earn. It all goes into one joint account which we both have equal access to. He has never made me feel as though I should have less than him due to earning less. Why on earth would he??? The reason I earn half what I did is because I'm at home half the week with his children.
The whole split finances thing is bizarre to both me and DH.

You had a baby with a man and you didn't know how much he earns shock

Your income has reduced dramatically and his stays the same, yet you are still expected to contribute the same as him?

Was the decision to go part time a mutual one? If so the everything should be in one pot and whatever is left over after bills, food, utilities, insurances. His debts etc, is joint money. If not then why did you put yourself in such a vulnerable financial position?

However you do say he pays debts, food and gas/elec out of his own money o top of what he pays into the joint account pen, and these things would add up to a lot each month.

lovelyredwine Tue 16-Jul-13 21:38:20

One of the reasons I work part time is to spend less money on childcare. I'm making an assumption that this is one of the reasons you work part time as well? This should be taken into account as you are doing what other people would be PAID to do if you worked full time surely.

Car insurance is not exactly a frivolous item, it's not as if you want £300 for a new dress. I don't understand how your DP can be unhappy about giving you some money for this. Again, I'm making an assumption that you ferry your dc about in the car - take her to the park, playgroup etc in it. In other words, you use it to help to look after and entertain your child.

I don't understand either, are you a family, or are you not?

bodingading Tue 16-Jul-13 21:49:01

Same as many of the respondents. Our money is paid directly into our joint account. From there bills and savings are paid, mostly by direct debit and standing order on a schedule. All bills are met from the joint account. House consumables (groceries, sheets, lightbulbs...) are bought on a shared credit card with a low limit that is paid off in full every month by direct debit. (The savings account is in my name only for complicated and boring legal reasons that won't apply to you.)

An equal amount is paid out to each of our personal accounts by standing order on the first of the month. We don't discuss or negotiate what we do with this money -it's our own spends. I spend more on coffee and new tops, he spends more on itunes and software. We don't have to justify ourselves. We had some struggles with different ideas about money early in our relationship and this approach really works for us. I do not think I've had a fight about money for ten years!

...One thing is, we don't have any debt and neither of us brought debt into the relationship. I don't know if/how we would have handled that differently.

whatshallwedo Tue 16-Jul-13 21:53:24

We are a family or at least I thought we are hmm .

He has a company car so pays for his through tax and only has to pay for the fuel he uses. I do take dd out in my car but hadn't given this much thought other than I now spend more on fuel each month than I did before she came along.

There is no way on this earth that he would agree to 50/50 as I am sure in his eyes I wouldn't deserve to have the extra money this would give me as I hadn't earnt it. Now I could be wrong and I will ask him about this next time we have a money chat just in case he thinks it's a good idea.

One of his debts is coming to an end so it is this money I have asked him for as imo it won't leave him any worse off than he has been for the last few years but will make my life a bit easier although it will only be a 1/3 of what I have lost by working p/t. This is what prompted him to ask me why he was going to have to pay me so I had to explain what I would be spending the money on.

I knew roughly what he earnt but I have only just got an exact figure from him so I can check out tax credits.

Reading this all back does make me sound like an idiot and there are other problems with our relationship that aren't to do with money. On their own they seem 'normal' to me but when I have posted in the past (nc though) people come on and say things such as dp doesn't question what I spend or I'm a sahm and I can buy what I like etc and it makes me realise that there are fair people out there and what I am living is not sad

tribpot Tue 16-Jul-13 22:01:34

I wouldn't deserve to have the extra money this would give me as I hadn't earnt it.

This statement makes me very sad for you, OP.

nenevomito Tue 16-Jul-13 22:04:42

This isn't good. I'm the higher earner in the house and it doesn't work like this.

DH buys the shopping, pays his petrol to work and money for some childcare. I pay for everything else, but we end up with about the same amount of disposable income. That's how it should be.

Fairylea Tue 16-Jul-13 22:11:53

I could never have finances like you. It would drive me insane. In fact my first marriage ended because of similar reasons, he was just so selfish with money etc etc.

I am now married to a man who shares everything with me financially.

I am a sahm (used to earn more than him and we did things the same way then too) so he earns, I don't. Everything goes into a joint account and all bills and outgoings come out of it. We have worked out a set budget for food, and we know roughly how much we have left over to spend. We "mentally" split this between us and spend about that amount each. Ie we have EQUAL spending money because we are both contributing equally to our family, just in different ways.

To me a lack of willing to share finances equally denotes a lack of respect for the non working or less working partners role.

If you weren't looking after dd he'd have to afford childcare. You are providing that childcare. You are entitled to the same standard of living and spending money as him.

BananaPie Tue 16-Jul-13 22:13:00

Before we had dc, we paid an equal amount into a joint account for mortgage, bills and food and kept our own separate money back (I was the higher earner). Post dc, everything goes into one account and we discuss big / arguably frivolous purchases (I'm no longer the higher earner). It felt weird at first not having "my own" money, but really don't think it's fair to do it any other way.

I earn more than DH but wouldn't dream of thinking that meant that I deserve more than him, we're a team.
When I was a SAHM he shared everything with me, when he was made redundant I did the same.

FullOfChoc Tue 16-Jul-13 22:21:14

We both put everything into one joint account and have a set amount (the same) going into personal a/cs for our spending money.

I also put my meager wages in a separate account to spend in the school holidays so in practice every thing he earns is mine and everything I earn is my own (i do earn a pittance though!).

I would not settle for him having more than me. That said I have some friends with separate finances where the husband has to go everywhere, on every shopping trip, to pay for all the purchases, pays all the mortgage & bills, car loan etc, has all the money stress (and a big debt too I suspect), so maybe that's a better set up than mine.

biryani Tue 16-Jul-13 22:24:29

We have separate accounts. Dp sees to the mortgage (it's his house) and bills, and I see to dd and everything else, including holidays. We both have our own cars, phones etc.It's about 50/50, although I bring in less. The only thing that's shared is food.

I'd rather have control over my own money as he's a bit tight.

YonicTheHedgehog Tue 16-Jul-13 22:24:56

Could he have more debts than you know about? I only ask because my DH hid some debts from me once, pre DC and pre the all in one pot thing, and that could be a reason he's not open about money with you.

Katiebeau Tue 16-Jul-13 22:24:57

My salary outstrips DHs by 4 times but we have equal "own money". The rest goes into joint acct & savings. Any DH/DW who does differently is unreasonable.

Fairylea Tue 16-Jul-13 22:28:11

Biryani - so he pays the mortgage and owns it, what happens to you and dd if you split up?

Fairylea Tue 16-Jul-13 22:35:20

I say that because when I met dh I owned my house. We remortgaged it for half and I put the house into both our names, so effectively as he is working he is paying the remortgage and therefore buying his share. So we both equally share our house.

I wouldn't feel happy living in a house where my dh owned it solely and neither would my dh but I guess everyone is different.

whatshallwedo Tue 16-Jul-13 22:37:15

He did have more debts than I knew about but I looked at his post so that I could find out exactly how much he owed. He could have borrowed more since but he doesn't have any need to or anything to show for it if he has.

I have just done a rough calculation based on us doing 50/50 and I would be so much better off smile.

I'm not sure what he would do if we had to start paying for childcare as it would use up all of my wages so we are lucky in that respect.

While I was on m/l I had saved up money for this purpose from a second job so he didn't give me any extra then even though I wasn't being paid for some of the time.

This thread is making me feel a bit angry even though I started it because it is making me realise that whilst he has 3 hobbies which he pays for monthly I don't have anything as I can't afford to.

I asked for the entrance fee when I was meeting a friend to take our dc's out and he said he didn't have any money on him, fine I don't always carry cash but he didn't even give it to me the following evening when he had been out all day so I am still out of pocket angry angry angry (not by much and it was a bit of a test but I have decided now that he has failed)

whatshallwedo Tue 16-Jul-13 22:39:35

fairylea that sounds like a really sensible and fair idea

Everything has to be family income - you've made sacrifices and he's maintaining his lifestyle, not fair.
Equity in everything or you might find you're better off without him.

AnythingNotEverything Tue 16-Jul-13 22:48:16

You need to sort this out, or it will only get worse.

You aren't living as equals. You both contribute equally to the family, and should have the appropriate respect, freedom and financial independence you deserve.

noviceoftheday Tue 16-Jul-13 22:50:17

When I was at uni, I shared a house with friends. Our monies were separate, they were all well off, I was broke. That was fine because we were housemates. Now, it would not be fine for either dh or I to be swanning around flush (or flush enough to be able to afford hobbies) while the other is broke. That wouldn't be a relationship, that's what housemates do. Your dp is taking the piss.

BackforGood Tue 16-Jul-13 23:08:27

As a family, all our money comes into the one, joint account (my salary, his salary, child benefit, tax credits when we used to get them). Along with all bills, we also have a standing order to each of us, for the same, equal amount for our "pocket money". Totally up to us what we spend it on, or if we save any or not, and not for the other one to question, but it's the same amount for each of us, as we are 2 halves of one couple.

Purple2012 Tue 16-Jul-13 23:12:09

Our salaries go In to our own accounts. We keep the same amount each in that account I the rest goes into the joint account. My husband earns more than me so pays more into the joint account but we pay for and feed and clothe his daughter. I also brought a lot of money into the relationship which is how we could afford our house.

123rd Tue 16-Jul-13 23:19:19

We have separate current accounts which our wage are paid into. (My wage is considerably smaller then dh) dh pays all direct debits I.e council tax, water has etc. no mortgage. I pay for food, child care,everyday expenses, clothes etc. dh tops up my monthly income

Trills Tue 16-Jul-13 23:22:29

Obviously the best plan is to discuss this before you have a child with someone.

If you are a team , and you both contribute to the household equally (eith in monetary terms or by doing other things), then you should both have equal spending money, and both agree how much is needed for not-for-spending-money (for household costs, for child related costs, etc)

CointreauVersial Tue 16-Jul-13 23:25:35

hmm you are talking about "his" debts, "my" money......

In this household, we have one pot; all money is paid in, and all household/childcare/recreational expenses are paid out of that pot.

When DH and I met, I earned double what he did. Then I stopped work completely for 6 years, and earned nothing. Now I work part time and earn about 1/3 of what he does. It's irrelevant.

If I get a bit spendy on clothes, I might get the hmm look, but pretty much every decision on spending is made together. We are partners. OK, we are now married, but weren't for a long time.

CointreauVersial Tue 16-Jul-13 23:27:57

OP, taking it to extremes, say you lost your job, or gave up work to be a SAHM, would he still expect you to pay 50%?

PeriodMath Tue 16-Jul-13 23:30:26

How odd are some of these responses. I can't imagine living with my husband as flat-mates, chipping in equally for the loo roll and gas bill.

Any money that comes into this house is owned and spent jointly.

Facebaffle Tue 16-Jul-13 23:34:44

How do people love like this?

All our money goes into one account. I earn about a third of dh salary. All bills, food, spending comes out if the account. I "look after" the account and transfer money into joint savings accounts as and when.

We don't monitor each others spending and any large personal purchases/weekend trips etc are discussed but never resented in any way.

His attitude stinks.

Facebaffle Tue 16-Jul-13 23:35:10

* live smile

LadyBigtoes Tue 16-Jul-13 23:44:16

I work part-time in a variable freelance job and DP works full-time in a well-paid job - he earns much more.

We both pay into a joint account to cover ALL joint outgoings - mortgage, bills, food shopping, house maintenance, nursery fees, kids' clothes, family meals out etc. We work it out so that we both get roughly the same amount left over in our own joint accounts (though this varies for me, but evens out over time).

So (these aren't the real figures):
- say we need 3K per month going into the joint account
- I bring in 1000 a month net and he brings in 3000 a month net
- I pay in 500, he pays in 2500
- We both get 500 spending money to keep in our own private current accounts, pay into savings, etc.

This is totally fair because while we have small children, when I'm not doing my paid work I am working non-stop doing childcare and housework – a job that he readily admits is harder work than what he does at work, and one he thanks his lucky stars he doesn't do.

It's irrelevant that he's a high earner - we don't pay percentages of our salaries, because that would leave me skint and him rolling in spare cash. We both work incredibly hard, money comes in, we share it in a way that leaves us equal in terms of private spending power.

Otherwise you have got one person in the relationship able to do and buy all sorts and one person struggling - even if that lower earner is working hard at home when not "at work".

I can see it might not be quite the same when you only have DC at school and therefore the SAH partner might just get lots of nice free time in the daytime, in which case it's not quite the same fair balance.

whatshallwedo Tue 16-Jul-13 23:46:11

I call it 'his' debt because he already had it when we met but I didn't know about it. If he agreed to share all of our money equally then the repayments would come out of that before any spending money. But I am not willing to contribute more than I already do because he has to pay of a debt.

I'm not sure what he would expect if I lost my job and I always knew I wouldn't be able to be a sahm because he made it perfectly clear that we couldn't afford it.

We are pretty much flat mates now anyway and the advice on this thread just highlights this. He does his own thing, I stay in with dd. I ask to do something together, he doesn't want to etc sad

We don't have a relationship anymore and if I thought I could stay in my home with dd then we probably wouldn't be together but he refuses to leave so we carry on.

I am going to suggest the wage sharing just to see what he says smile

If you've already had discussions about him leaving then I think the time for discussions about splitting the family money is long gone....

Is your name on the mortgage? You need to move out and live a happy independent life for you and dd.

Things are not going to get any better, don't settle for this.

Sorry.

My ex was a Scrooge and it was the realisation that if we had children I would have to ask him for, and account for, every penny, that made me leave him.

Dp and I now have been together 15 yrs, 2 kids. While we don't have joint account, all our money is for the family and we discuss big purchases. The decision of who is going to pay for it is based solely on who has the money in their account at the time. We are both self employed, I tend to get smaller regular amounts more frequently, he tens to get larger sums on a less frequent basis (sometimes nothing for a couple of months then one big lump).

We live I his house and rent my old house out, so financially if we split up I am sorted.

Mamafratelli Wed 17-Jul-13 09:58:44

I could not and would not live like this.

All of our money goes in and out of one account. We discuss big purchases but no one controls the money it is ours to share.

rosebleu Wed 17-Jul-13 10:55:13

If your DP has debts it might be best to keep your accounts separate, especially as it seems you don't have a complete picture of his debts/finances. I have always had separate accounts from DH and this was an advantage for us as I went bankrupt last year (old debts from before we got together). So it was a good thing that the house was all in his name as it meant the creditors couldn't touch it! DH still has an excellent credit rating as we're not financially linked, so he can access all the good financial products as a result of that, while I was able to make a fresh start with all my debts cleared but not having to face the stress of having assets taken or making any payments. It will be tricky for you though if you have a joint mortgage, as that will be seen as linked finances.

In day to day life though, we share our income as DH is the sole earner and I just get some carers benefits. It wouldn't make any sense for DH to keep his earnings from me, as I have more time during the day to do the shopping etc. I use his debit card for shopping and online orders, and can get cash from his account, so effectively I have full access to everything, but it's sensible for us to keep it in his name until my credit rating is clear in a few years.

Thurlow Wed 17-Jul-13 12:08:04

Flibbertyjibbet is right. If there has been talk of splitting up, don't go any further down the joint account road. I know the reason why most couples who maintain a degree of separation in their finances do it for the security of having access to their own money. He should definitely be helping you out more, but whatever you do don't in this situation merge your money into one.

Is the house his or yours?

MortifiedAdams Wed 17-Jul-13 12:11:09

What we do:

All money goes into one account.
Direct debits are set up from that for all bills
We have a £70pw food budget
We each have £60pcm for fuel
We save a set amount.

Whatever is left is split in half - half for him and half for me.

CointreauVersial Wed 17-Jul-13 12:57:12

sad OP, sorry that this thread has highlighted some uncomfortable truths. You deserve someone who is going to be a proper "partner" in life.

BoysRule Wed 17-Jul-13 13:06:58

I am sorry but this doesn't sound fair or respectful at all.

All of our earnings go into a joint account and bills are paid from that. We both get a fixed amount that goes into our own accounts to do what we want with.

When DH and I met he had a lot of debts which he still had when we married. When we pooled our finances when we married our joint income paid off the remainder of debts. I don't begrudge that as we are a family - I am now a SAHM and when I work I earn a fifth of what he earns so it all becomes equal. He is super generous and never questions me when I go off and have coffee and days out.

I think this highlights a bigger issue in the relationship.

BearsInMotion Wed 17-Jul-13 13:11:12

I know this has moved on from the money, but my $0.02...

DP and I earn about the same. He has debts that pre-date me and debts he built up when he was with me that I didn't know about. So I sat down and looked at all our income and outgoings. I pay all bills from my account, worked out the minimum I needed from him plus a bit of "float" and that goes into my account every month. Then, and this is important, ALL the money he earns pays off his debts. He even asks me if it's ok for him to buy clothes, because he knows I hate him having debts. I usually have a bit more money to spare than him, even though he pays less into the pot. When his debt is gone, -I- we will re-evaluate.

For me, that's the only reason not to be 50/50 on the disposable cash.

Boosiehs Wed 17-Jul-13 13:28:10

Hmmm - I've asked DH about this several times but he said he's happy with our current set up.

Basically I earn 5x his take home. DH works for himself from home. I pay for everything in the house, mortgage, insurance council tax, bills etc. I do the big food shops, I pay for the TV/internet etc. I (9 times out of 10) pay for meals out, and pay for all holidays.

He pays for his phone, and sends me about £200 a month for other bills. he buys day to day food, and his own nights out. If we are together then generally I pay.

I have asked him about a joint account and he said he doesnt' feel the need. he will be doing the majority of childcare when DC1 arrives shortly, and I imagine then I will do even more food shops/baby stuff shops.

So long as both parties are happy then it should be fine. if one of you isn't happy - that;s when there are issues.

Accidentallyquirky Wed 17-Jul-13 13:38:47

I don't work I look after the home and our dcs, dh works full time.
I contribute nothing financially but do in other ways ( house is clean and tidy, clothes always washed and ironed food always available etc)
Dh pays all the bills then the tiny bit left over is split between the two of us after a family day out, generally only £40 for the month each.
The alternative is dh keeping every penny to himself because he earned it but he'd never ever do that as I raise his kids and look after the home and I guess we have traditional values?

When I return to work my money will go in the same account and we will then increase our monthly savings and increase our disposable personal income slightly and use the leftover to finish jobs in the house.

valiumredhead Wed 17-Jul-13 15:03:57

Everything is shared in this family. I insisted on it before we married, I'd have run for the hills otherwise.

BadLad Wed 17-Jul-13 17:15:21

We stick the equivalent of three hundred quid in the food and bills pot each every month, and another fifty each in the booze pot.

Holidays, we split the cost of the flights and hotels, then just put some into a spending pot.

If we go out in the week, one of us will just treat the other.

The only major expense we don't share is the anniversary weekend in a naice hotel, which I pay for.

The remainder, which is quite a bit for both of us, is saved.

I suppose I would like to have more shared finances, but the system is working for us. How much more complicated everything seems when the first baby comes along.

whatshallwedo Wed 17-Jul-13 17:33:57

The house is in both of our names, I wouldn't have bought it if it wasn't.

I did suggest a few years ago that I could look at his account and help him to work out a quicker way of paying off his debts instead of just the minimum each month but he wouldn't let me.

He doesn't like the idea of giving me money each month but it would mean that he was still better off each month than if I said 50/50 or I pay a %.

carolthesecretary Wed 17-Jul-13 17:39:31

All gets chucked in the pot here and we spend what we want (although we're fairly frugal anyway).

My Mum had this problem with my Dad and I vowed we would be open about money. Works for us.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Wed 17-Jul-13 17:49:14

Controversially DH and I have separate personal finances but we do have a running household account where we equally contribute money to cover mortgage, food, bills, childcare etc.

All fun money and personal money is then an ongoing conversation. I contribute more to this, I earn more so eg I will pay for holidays if DH is low on funds. We both work FT.

I would not put up with the situation you describe. IMO it borders on financial abuse.

PeriodMath Wed 17-Jul-13 17:54:02

Putting "money in a booze pot", "splitting the cost of flights"... Isn't that what flatmates/students/friends do?

I just can't imagine it. All the splitting and counting and allocating. Why won't people pool it all and spend as they wish? Weird to me. Everyone's different I suppose...

BadLad Wed 17-Jul-13 18:02:54

Well, putting it in a pot isn't really any different from putting it in a joint account, is it? Anyway, joint accounts don't exist in this country. Therefore money has to be under my name or DW's, and it makes no sense to keep it all under one name, in case anything happens to either of us, and the other is faced with having to withdraw money from the bank that is in the other person's name.

Flights is only once or twice a year, and is only a bank transfer.

BadLad Wed 17-Jul-13 18:07:09

And why is our system lots of counting?

It's a painless matter of transferring 300 quid (in yen) to her account, and sticking a note in the booze wallet. The latter would be more faff it it was an account, as the local booze shop only takes cash.

Back2Two Wed 17-Jul-13 18:19:47

We're lucky here too .....dh earns and I don't. It's OUR money though and I have most control of it and probably spend the most.

I think I'm lucky as I'm sure that my dh earning a good wage makes it so much easier for us to be happy with financial affairs and share without dispute (or even really much thought). We are very happy together and I often do think (in a sobering way, after reading poverty threads on mumsnet) that I must acknowledge that not having to worry about money is part of this (minor but it is a part of it)

OP....it sounds as though money is not the only issue though and you deserve better emotional input than this man is sharing with you.

frogwatcher42 Wed 17-Jul-13 18:31:17

I know I am just adding to much the same as has already been said, but it may help op to hear it from lots of different people.

Op - I personally couldn't and wouldn't live in a relationship where we had his money and my money. Everything goes into one pot here and we spend it on bills, kids etc and if we want something for ourselves (such as a night out or a new phone) then we discuss it to see if we can afford it and then get it.

My view is if you are in a relationship then you are one half of a whole in terms of money and resources. It doesn't matter who works longer hours, or who earns most.

Mind you it would be different if we didn't have kids and one of us didn't work and just sat around all day - then I would feel differently. As long as both of us are working (and I include childcare and housekeeping in that) then we feel equal and therefore share everything.

I think you have problems.

whatshallwedo Wed 17-Jul-13 19:28:42

Thanks, it does help to hear other people's thoughts and opinions because when you are living it you see it as normal and accept it.

We do have problems I can see that and alot of it stems from dd being born and dp not coping well with the fact he was responsible for another person. In many ways his life has been unchanged - if anything he spends more time doing new hobbies than he did before.

I'm not sure how I should approach the situation as in the past he has said I need to take some of the blame for our problems (I'm super untidy but I'm working on it grin ).

Another thing is that he sees his friend not lift a finger as his wife does everything from feeding the baby it's meals to tidying the house. I am not a slave so I don't see why he can't be asked to feed dd or clean the bathroom etc.

So to get another view on our lives how is your housework split please just so I can see if I am lazy or not?

Thurlow Wed 17-Jul-13 19:37:41

Housework is split 50/50 too. Sorry. We both work f/t and have a young toddler, so it's not an amazing amount of housework, and we both have areas we only do (I do washing, he does the garden etc), but it is roughly split. If I was working p/t and he was f/t I would try and do a little bit more of any housework that was easy-ish to do with a young child around, like washing up, wiping surfaces, quick dusting while they are watching telly. So maybe it would end up being a 70/30 split.

I know you've probably not come on here to get your entire relationship ripped apart but... he has you doing most/all of the childcare, and most/all of the housework, both of which allow him to work f/t AND do a lot of hobbies, and he isn't even willing to share the money with you/ angry

I don't often say this on here, but - what on earth are you getting out of this relationship?

CelticPromise Wed 17-Jul-13 19:47:42

Sorry OP, this must be hard for you. I wouldn't stand for it either. DH works ft and I work very part time freelance. He earns 10x what I do at least. We have one account and pay everything into it. We pay essential bills from it and if one of us wants to buy something expensive/frivolous we discuss it.

I do most of the housework and childcare because I work much less and am home more, but DH does plenty and doesn't object to it. That's how it should be.

I have more hobbies than DH but we just talk about who's going out and when, it's rarely a problem.

Lancelottie Wed 17-Jul-13 19:52:31

Like Celtic, I'm freelance and part-time (though currently distracting myself from working to meet a deadline) and earn a fraction of what DP earns.

He tends to apologise for this. Partly because he's a big softy and partly because he feels guilty that getting landed with the majority of the childcare (SN child involved) somewhat stalled my career.

Shared joint account here.

Errm, we're about equally crap at housework.

Taffeta Wed 17-Jul-13 19:55:08

We have a joint account that all our money goes into. We share it, it's irrelevant who has put more in, we both contribute to the family.

frogwatcher42 Wed 17-Jul-13 20:07:58

Housework wise - I do more as I am at home more and work part time. I tend to make sure that I do roughly the same number of hours 'working' (i.e. paid work and 'home' work such as housework) as dh does in paid work/travel. Then the rest is split 50:50. We don't work it out exactly or have set jobs but tend to just keep going until everything is done.

What we do do is have approximately the same 'down time' each - watching tv, going out etc. We get about one evening off each a week from about 7pm and then time when we feel particularly knackered or just need it. It tends to balance out.

We both feel that each other work hard and to be honest I would say take equal responsibility for our lives in every respect. We do not have his or her jobs.

whatshallwedo Wed 17-Jul-13 20:14:52

thurlow tbh I don't actually know what I get out of it anymore.

It looks like the housework is fair, I do hoovering, dusting, washing, putting washing away and general tidying.

He does toilet, bathroom, grass and 90% of cooking. The kitchen tends to be shared as does dd.

The only difference is that I don't ask him to do his jobs as I know he knows they are there whereas he often asks what I am doing on my days off and if I say I'm taking dd somewhere he tells me not to forget that the hoovering needs doing (thurs and sun).

I think that this is what I struggle with the most as I don't stop him or put conditions on him going out several times a week.

mejypoo Wed 17-Jul-13 21:47:38

This is a really interesting thread. I have always earned -a bit more than my hubby, our wages currently go into our own accounts and we have a standing order each month to put the same amount into the joint which covers all bills and mortgage. Whatever is left in our own accounts we do with as we please. For large purchases we usually discuss what we need and just split it 50/50.

I am however pregnant and will hopefully be going part time after child is born therefore our finances are going to have to have a rethink. Like the idea of wages going into a joint account and transferring equal amount of spending to each of us. Think it will help me be a bit more disciplined about how much money is spent as well.
DH will not have a problem with it wait her but defo needs discussing now rather than later

rosebleu Wed 17-Jul-13 23:27:50

I would find it irritating to be told about housework jobs in the home so I don't blame you for feeling offended! I don't work and have most school hours free but DH still does half the housework, deals with most admin, and has much slacker expectations in terms of housework (we don't Hoover twice a week here...) We both have a lot of hobby/interest time but mine is normally in the school day while dd is at school, DH will go to classes after work in the week.

Are the debts on credit cards or loans? If he is just paying the minimum on credit cards, it could take decades to pay off. There are ways to deal with debts more efficiently, even if bankruptcy isn't an option because of your mortgage, like IVAs or other debt management plans. But it's your DP who would have to sign up for it, and it sounds like he isn't going to. It must be incredibly frustrating, as its almost like throwing money away.

whatshallwedo Wed 17-Jul-13 23:31:48

He has a loan which is the obe that is ending and a credit card which is now 0% but he is still only paying the minimum so even though there isn't any interest to pay it won't make much of a dent in it sad

BadLad Thu 18-Jul-13 05:33:05

This is a really interesting thread. I have always earned -a bit more than my hubby, our wages currently go into our own accounts and we have a standing order each month to put the same amount into the joint which covers all bills and mortgage. Whatever is left in our own accounts we do with as we please. For large purchases we usually discuss what we need and just split it 50/50.

That sounds perfect, and it's just about exactly what we do, except that I don't keep any track of what I transfer for bills and living goes on. It's shitloads cheaper than when I was living on my own, so if it's more than is necessary, good luck to DW and DMil.

If it's not enough, then they can just tell me and I'll transfer what they need in future.

It works for us, but then, we are both working full time, and are both fairly frugal. If one parent has to SAH, or one is frugal and the other is a spendthrift, then I can see why a different system would be necessary. Both DW and I would like to retire early, so we save as much as we can without being miserable.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Thu 18-Jul-13 05:54:05

It sounds like he thinks he is your employer in your PT role as stay at home Mum, and can therefore dictate the terms of that job (ie, telling you what jobs to do) but he doesn't think that it's a job worthy of a wage?

I mean, look, if you were working full-time, you as a couple would be paying childcare fees. Or he would go part time. Either way, you staying at home allows him to earn full time and not pay out child care. So of course that extra money coming into your household, by way of your unpaid labour, should be household money.

But honestly, it sounds moot. You don't love him, he's not a good partner, you want to split. So that's what needs to happen.

Have you ever calculated what his CSA contribution would be?

HappyMummyOfOne Thu 18-Jul-13 07:19:52

Surely you had the discussion before planning children? One of you cutting your hours and salary has to be a joint decision that both parties are happy with.

Lots have seperate finances just like many have joint. There is no right or wrong way, you pick the method that you are both happy with or reach a compromise like adults.

whatshallwedo Thu 18-Jul-13 07:58:10

We did have the discussion and I worked it all out basing it on having his loan repayment money when it ended. It looked fine on paper and he agreed to it no problem.

Fast forward to when I first went back and was waiting for the first lot of money only to be told that the end date had been moved prior to all of our chats by 5 months angry .

I was then given some of his bonus to make up for it but now the 6 months is coming to an end I have been told that due to the way it is paid I won't get any until nearly 7 months. He did ask how much I needed to see me through until then which is also when he asked what was it he was 'paying' me the money for so I had to give a breakdown of what I would be spending it on.

If I had've known I would be justifying myself now to him to get the money he agreed to originally I would've thought twice about dc's.

He does seem to think that I should spend my time cleaning but I like to be able to take dd out as well.

MaryKatharine Thu 18-Jul-13 09:50:03

badlad, I think putting the same amount in the pot for bills etc only works if you earn roughly the same. If you were both paing in 1k a month each but one of you was only clearing £1050 a month and the other 3k then that wouldn't be fair.

I only teach a couple of days a wk so earn about 15k a year. Over the last 10yrs this has been peppered with 4lots of mat leave and a couple of periods of SAH. DH has obv worked f/t throughout this period as a lawyer so earning far in excess of me.

The way we look at it is that by reducing my hours and spending certain periods at home I have facilitated him being able to do the job he does, and rise up through his career. So what I have done had basically helped him to where he is. I think this is shy we both view it all as ours.

Incidentally, after my pgce, I 'kept' him for a year whilst he he did his law exams after uni so it's a partnership.

Before the kids came along dp and I had totally separate finances and it didn't seem to matter somehow as we both worked and both earned.

When children come along you either have a huge childcare bill each month (we had two children close together so for 2.5 ours peaked at £800 a month for THREE DAYS a week), OR, one parent has to work part time or not at all.

This makes things very different, as why should the part time parent be so much worse off financially than the other parent who carries on with unchanged finances? When kids come into the mix, the money has to be shared equally and I am constantly amazed on threads like this at the way some men behave after the children come and the partner's earning capacity is so much reduced.

Incidentally, people bang on about '1950s housewives' well my mum married in 1956 and my oldest sister was born in 1959. Mum had no option but to give up work on getting married (that's just what you did) and she's often said that they were an unusual couple at the time as dad just handed all the money over to mum for budget, bills, etc. My first job was in a wages office in 1978 in a factory. Most of the manual workers were paid weekly with a cash wage packet. If they were ill someone else could collect it for them. Some, their wives came, others had a note on file saying their wage was not to be given to their wives, and I found out this was because they did not want their wives to know what they were earning shock.

Threads like this make me realise that there are a lot of men out there with this same attitude in 2013sad

rosebleu Thu 18-Jul-13 11:19:06

I don't have dc with my DH (although I had a child before we got together) so I don't think it's necessarily about enabling your husband's career and covering childcare costs he'd otherwise have (DH was doing well in his career long before he met me!) The fact is simply that we're in a partnership and therefore support each other and run the household as a team.

If I'd remained a single parent and not married him, I would be getting enough in tax credits/benefits to support myself, but his high income meant that ended once we got married. So there is an expectation in law that the earning partner's wages are used to support the whole household, even if he's the only earner and the other person has no job/childcare commitments.

It would be a worthwhile exercise to calculate what you'd be eligible for in benefits/tax credits/CSA if you decided to end the relationship OP, as sometimes it can turn out to be more than you'd be getting from your DP in this sort of scenario.

BadLad Thu 18-Jul-13 14:57:01

badlad, I think putting the same amount in the pot for bills etc only works if you earn roughly the same. If you were both paing in 1k a month each but one of you was only clearing £1050 a month and the other 3k then that wouldn't be fair.

DW actually earns more than me, mostly from passive income rather than her job. I get more in terms of basic salary. But as we both have quite a bit left, we just save it and for reasons I gave earlier, it wouldn't be sensible to have it all in one name.

If you are cutting it a bit more finely, then yes, you certainly have a point. I would hate to be eating cold beans wrapped in a blanket while my partner was on a world cruise.

whatshallwedo Thu 18-Jul-13 14:57:57

Does anyone know how much he would have to pay through CSA? Is there a % based on his earnings?

I have looked into tax credits but it was a while ago so I will look again thanks.

CheeseFondueRocks Thu 18-Jul-13 17:50:07

It's either 15 or 20% of earnings for one child.

CheeseFondueRocks Thu 18-Jul-13 17:53:50

It's 15 % of his income before rent, bills etc.

PuggyMum Thu 18-Jul-13 18:01:45

I don't get the mine / their money.

Me and DH have one joint account where all money goes in. Then £x goes to cover the bills. £x to savings. And we live on what's left.

It's been like that since we moved in together in our early 20's. No children although I'm now 28 weeks pg.

missedmebythatmuch Sat 20-Jul-13 07:12:42

We live entirely on my salary, and save all of DH's. But the savings are joint. We only do it that way because I have a regular salary and he is self-employed and his income fluctuates. Current account and savings accounts are in joint names. Shares are in my name only for reasons to do with work but I regard them as joint investments too.

whatshallwedo Sat 20-Jul-13 10:16:26

Well I did mention putting both salaries together as we were having a general chat and I wanted to see what he said.

At first he didn't understand what I meant as so I explained it clearly and it was as though I could see his brain working as his next comment was 'so I am expected to have less disposable income now?'

To which I kindly pointed out to him that I now have half a wage coming in and no chance of being able to increase it for quite some time and that was fair on me?

I stopped the chat after this so that he has time to think about it before I resume it later smile

peteypiranha Sat 20-Jul-13 10:19:48

For us all our money goes in one account, and Im in charge of it all.

nkf Sat 20-Jul-13 10:26:28

If I were you, I'd go back to work full time and look for promotion. This is a demeaning way to live in my opinion. Or I would divorce him. Whatever gave me.more financial independence.

whatshallwedo Sat 20-Jul-13 10:43:39

I wouldn't earn enough f/t to be able to pay for childcare and bills plus in the field I am in there is no chance of promotion at the moment so I would have to change jobs which is also risky where I am.

I'm not sure if I would end up being financially better off without him as he would only pay for dd and I would be left with mortgage etc. If we sold it would only leave us with a small amount each so not really enough to do anything with.

EatYourCrusts Sat 20-Jul-13 10:55:33

Pre DC we both put 60% of our salaries into a joint account and kept the rest each. Now I don't work so we just have one account.

nkf Sat 20-Jul-13 13:15:38

Of course childcare costs come out of your salary because the unspoken implication is that childcare is a replacement for you. Not for him. I hope you work it out. It sounds as if you both have to adjust.

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