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Cohabiting - how do you pay "rent" to your partner when he owns the house?

(83 Posts)
yayforspring Sun 21-Apr-13 23:22:32

Hi all

Im hoping to move in with OH in about 6 months. He has just bought a house and is expecting me to contribute, and I was planning on doing so. I currently pay £540 inc rent and bills in a shared house. His mortgage on a 2 bed place is £1300 a month plus bills (prob £250). Im not sure how I should pay him. I thought initially I would just pay him £540, to keep outgoings the same for me, as its not my property. I wouldnt get a whole room to myself as such although if we were renting together I'd be paying a lot more. I would be technically paying off his mortgage, but if i dont contribute I'd have no say in things and wouldnt feel it was my home. He wants a bit more than £540, i think about £600. I wondered whether I could just pay him £540, and then pay the rest of my half of everything into a savings account for us to use in the future if we stay together (ie for the next house) so that things were really equal. Anyone else in the same situation? what is the normal thing to do?

MortifiedAdams Sun 21-Apr-13 23:28:15

I would add up mortgage and bills then you contribute a proportion relevant to your earnings. So, for example, if the total monthly outgoings are £1500, and you earn 20k and he earns 30k then you earn two fifths of the total money coming in so should contribute two fifths of the bills.

MortifiedAdams Sun 21-Apr-13 23:29:07

Which in my example wpuld be £600 from you and £900 from him.

CabbageLeaves Sun 21-Apr-13 23:30:19

Erm I don't think I'd be happy to pay more to live sharing? You might love him but he's going to be saving £540 a month and you'll be paying more? I'd look at paying the same as you pay now and no more

yayforspring Sun 21-Apr-13 23:32:51

Hi thanks, but the mortgage isnt in my name, its in his. Do you think that's still fair? He earns a bit more (£56,000, i earn £40,000)... If we were renting I'd split it down the middle but this is a new situation to me

seeker Sun 21-Apr-13 23:33:28

Is your name on the deeds?

yayforspring Sun 21-Apr-13 23:35:40

Sorry last message was for MortifiedAdams smile Yeah i think i agree with cabbageleaves.

yayforspring Sun 21-Apr-13 23:36:09

No my name would not be on the deeds, I'd have no share in the house

DeepRedBetty Sun 21-Apr-13 23:36:17

Having been bitten on the bum by this in the past... why aren't you buying this together? If you love him and he loves you enough to live together, why don't you trust each other enough to share a mortgage?

seeker Sun 21-Apr-13 23:37:02

Sorry- amni misunderstanding? Are you "moving in" moving in, or becoming his lodger?

yayforspring Sun 21-Apr-13 23:38:38

We have only been together 18 months, he has sold his one bed flat for a two bed flat, the idea being that we would live together in it in 6 months. I wouldnt get a mortgage with someone that I've not been with long, plus he has a lot more to invest financially. We would combine finances if we got married in the future

yayforspring Sun 21-Apr-13 23:39:55

I would be moving in...but contributing to the cost of things. So not a lodger exactly. if I dont contribute it wouldnt feel like it was my home, I would feel like a bit of a freeloader...

lottiegarbanzo Sun 21-Apr-13 23:40:01

Oh well, I suppose I did say this was a whole other thread! I think the advice you had on your last one was good though (apols if mistaken but your situation is identical).

It's not your house and paying towards his mortgage doesn't make it so, unless you get your name on the deeds. You can do so with an agreement as tenants in common, specifying how much each owns.

Whether it feels like your home is all about his attitude and your relationship, not money.

You can't rent a room someone is already occupying. You'd be paying him to share his bed. How do you feel about that?

What's normal will vary hugely. When I moved in with DP we split bills but I did not countenance contributing towards his mortgage. His house, his mortgage. He'd bought the house knowing he could pay it. The idea of adding that sort of financial complication before we'd fully pooled our resources would have seemed bonkers. We planned to buy together fairly soon, actually took longer because of the housing market, two years, before doing so but that was fine.

Can your OH afford the mortgage without your contribution? If not, would he be able to take on a lodger if you weren't there? If not, he can't afford the house and your are in effect buying it together.

OhHullitsOnlyMeYoni Sun 21-Apr-13 23:40:22

What has he suggested?
Personally I would not pay mortgage at this point - split all bills (other than his mobile/personal use things) and then offer similar to what you pay now.

AuntPittypat Sun 21-Apr-13 23:40:47

I paid half of my OH's mortgage payment when we moved in together. But that worked out as less than my previous rent, and my OH and I earned exactly the same, so it was a fairly straightforward decision. We split all bills 50/50 but he paid for any home improvements. After about 6 months we realised that we were definitely staying together for the long term so started paying all our wages into a joint account and taking the same 'personal allowance' out each month for personal stuff.

In your position I guess I'd think about each of your income... I.e. should you be paying roughly the same proportion of your monthly income towards rent/mortgage. Or, if you do see yourself as a solid, 'long term' couple then maybe consider putting both your wages into a joint account for all bills to come out of, some into savings and then splitting what's left 50/50 into your personal accounts.

WTFisABooyhoo Sun 21-Apr-13 23:41:40

i wouldn't be happy to pay rent to a partner on a house that was solely theirs. it isn't the same as renting from a LL as you would have no rights if he turfed you out.

get your name on the deeds or get a joint mortgage. unless you are just 'trialling' the relationship by moving in? in which case i would suggest he holds off on getting a mortgage and you both rent a place together with a 6 month tenancy.

NumTumDeDum Sun 21-Apr-13 23:48:48

I think you ought to have a consultation with a solicitor who specialises in cohabitation. In certain circumstances you may acquire an interest in a property if you cobtribute financially which clearly you would be. It is not automatic by any means and should bot be relied upon without proper advice. It is inequitable that you should help to pay a mortgage without acquiring an interest. It is possible to enter into a cohabitation deed setting out this sort of thing very clearly. You cannot be too careful here, and a couple of hundred to prevent legal proceedings down the road would be money well spent in my view.

lottiegarbanzo Sun 21-Apr-13 23:50:58

So, as before, my advice is split bills and put your saved rent money into savings, so, when you marry / commit long term, it can go towards the equity on what will then be the marital / jointly owned (if you alter deeds and establish TiC agreement) home. If that doesn't come about, you have a deposit of your own.

yayforspring Sun 21-Apr-13 23:51:21

He can afford the mortgage without my contribution at the moment but interest rates might go up and then he would get a lodger. He actually may get a lodger now for 6 months. No we are not at the stage of sharing finances yet, its very early days, having just seen my sister go through hell getting out of a long term relationship with house and joint finances its not something I'd do until I was married or engaged. However I have lived with someone in the past that it didnt work out with so I want to live with him before we are at the marriage stage. My rent is currently £400 plus £140 bills, based on what you say I am tempted to offer £400 contribution plus half bills, or just a lump sum of £540, something like that.

expatinscotland Sun 21-Apr-13 23:51:48

I wouldn't. I'd get an cohabitation agreement in place with a solicitor.

yayforspring Sun 21-Apr-13 23:56:02

Lottie I did ask him about that and he didnt think that was fair. When I spoke to my sister she also didnt think it was fair really, because technically I could break up with him, and then I would have lived with him for free all that time (other than bills).
I did look into cohabitation agreements but they seem to be more for the benefit of the home owner, to confirm that the partner who does not own has no share in the property at all. So it wouldnt really help me particularly. What I would want is to be a tennant in common but he doesnt want me to be involved in the mortgage at all yet. also the percentage of the property I would own would be very small...I wouldnt be paying the stamp duty and solicitor fees that he is paying, etc.

yayforspring Sun 21-Apr-13 23:57:54

He has suggested that I just pay him a lump sum, I guess it would be a similar amount that he would ask from a friend renting out his second room, i.e about £600. So it would be a £600/£900 split

Thistledew Sun 21-Apr-13 23:58:33

When DP and I moved in together, I saw the important thing as being us trialling a relationship living together. He was earning slightly more than me (but not much) and we split the bills and the cost of the mortgage 50/50.

It was my flat and he moved in with me.

I paid for expenses related to the upkeep of the property, but with regards to the cost of keeping the roof over our heads and the bills paid, I saw it that we had an equal commitment to the lifestyle we wanted to lead together.

To me, the non owning partner paying a lesser share is a bit like them keeping one foot out of the door, and having a financial escape plan already in place. You either commit fully and financially to the relationship or you don't. Yes, the non-owning partner takes a bit of a financial risk, but no more so than the emotional one you take on when living together for the first time.

I can see merit in the suggestion that you divide the cost proportionately according to your respective incomes, but otherwise you should contribute equally to your relationship.

expatinscotland Mon 22-Apr-13 00:00:30

' What I would want is to be a tennant in common but he doesnt want me to be involved in the mortgage at all yet. also the percentage of the property I would own would be very small...I wouldnt be paying the stamp duty and solicitor fees that he is paying, etc.'

I think I'd delay moving in until the two of you are truly ready to go the whole hog, tbh.

augustrain Mon 22-Apr-13 00:01:31

I wouldn't consider moving in with someone under this arrangement. If I was with a man who wasn't at the stage of sharing finances, then I simply wouldn't think we were at the stage of moving in. You are starting from a position of being financially weaker and less secure in the relationship than him, and that is likely to continue even if it develops to marriage. Set the boundaries now and it will be clearer to both of you that you're undertaking responsibility for each other if you unexpectedly fall pg, face redundancy or illness.

What would he do if you were made redundant and couldn't pay your share? You wouldn't be able to claim anything if you were co-habiting as legally your partner would be expected to support you. Would he expect you to leave so that he could get a lodger?

I pay half the 'rent' (slightly complicated in that the house is owned by boyfriends parents so it's like a mortgage but he's effectively buying it from them not the bank) it happened to work out the same as what I was paying before. He pays the bills but I buy most of the food, he pays for any home improvement things like tiles/patio slabs etc since it is his house. If we split up I would have no right to the house but see what I pay as rent so no loss there. We didn't end up splitting bills as well as he warns more than me anyway. Not sure how its all going to work now we're having a baby and I'm losing my income but it had worked ok for the past two years!

yayforspring Mon 22-Apr-13 00:07:09

Hmm I can see the argument for paying completely equally now too. If I dont then I wont be an equal in the relationship. Argh.

augustrain Mon 22-Apr-13 00:08:45

Would you still be happy to have no rights to the house if you split up after you have your baby Purplemonster? It hardly seems fair that you and your child could be left homeless just because the relationship ended.

GreenEggsAndNichts Mon 22-Apr-13 00:08:55

I don't like turning personal relationships into financial ones. I agree with lottie's post, actually. Your DP seems keen to get someone in to start paying rent, either a lodger or yourself. Is that what is pushing this move?

I personally wouldn't move in with someone if these were my options. You're currently paying x for your own room somewhere, I don't see a reason to pay more than x to share a room. (yes I realise I'm phrasing that from a purely financial viewpoint but that is what this is coming down to)

yayforspring Mon 22-Apr-13 00:09:46

If I was made redundant Im fairly sure he would let me stay there rent free, I would do the same for him. He could always rent out the 2nd bedroom if needs be and have 3 of us live in the flat. We arent at the stage of sharing finances, its not just him thats me as well not wanting to complicate things until engaged or married one day

lottiegarbanzo Mon 22-Apr-13 00:13:14

What you've just said in effect is he wants it both ways - you pay towards the mortgage but don't get any stake in the flat. You retain an impermanent status but pay him, is if in a permanent arrangement, for the privilege.

That is more unfair than you staying for free for a while but paying half the bills. At least doing that reduces his costs and no-one's gained or lost anything more permanent from the other. He could of course break up with you, keep your contribution to his mortgage and throw you out in a trice - unlike any tenant paying rent, with a contract.

Have you pointed that out? 'Oh but I would never do that' works both ways. It's a basic trust issue. He doesn't think you are moving in, in order to live rent free, so it's just a trial stage towards a more permanent situation, eventually with pooled resources.

He needs to decide if he wants a lodger or a girlfriend.

A TiC agreement can cover what you like. We added up all the fees as well as the purchase price and calculated percentages of that total.

yayforspring Mon 22-Apr-13 00:13:14

I would ideally prefer us to rent, but he has a really good mortgage and if he doesnt buy then he would lose it. He is happy to have a lodger rather than me to pay rent so that wouldnt be the reason for me to move in, no. I can see that its not ideal circumstances to move in under, but i dont want to buy a house with someone I havent lived with before and Im sure he feels the same

yayforspring Mon 22-Apr-13 00:16:54

I suppose I could ask him to sign a contract to state he would have to give me 28 days notice if he wanted me to leave

olgaga Mon 22-Apr-13 00:20:21

I can see the argument for paying completely equally now too. If I dont then I wont be an equal in the relationship.

Two things. One is that you can never be equal in this relationship no matter how much you pay if you don't have equal rights to a share of the asset you're contributing to.

Second is that an equal contribution for you would be the same proportion of your earnings in percentage terms. Not the exact same amount. The same amount would mean you were paying proportionately more than him - again with no right to a share of the asset.

I'd think very carefully if I were you, and let him get a lodger if that's what he wants.

lottiegarbanzo Mon 22-Apr-13 00:22:44

I do understand why mortgage makes more sense than rent for him and why you want to try living together to see if it works out, most people do. I suppose I'd suggest that, whatever you do, you agree it's a six month trial, then review at that point.

NumTumDeDum Mon 22-Apr-13 00:23:54

I think you have misunderstood the concept of a cohabitation agreement. It is not an agreement that the non owner has no share. It is quite simply a legally binding document setting out what you have both agreed. You need independent advice here.

Are you really happy to enable your partner to afford a larger property by paying half the bills? The flip side is that by doing this you are not paying into your own property. There is, if you like, an opportunity cost here. Imagine this arrangement continued for five years. The equity in the property goes up. You have improved the property in good faith by decorating etc. You have some savings but they have not matched the increase in equity that your partner alone is benefitting from. You then break up. You take your savings and your personal belongings. There is now lots of joint furniture. He says it was purchased in his name. You paid money towards the bills which meant he could afford to buy the furniture/white goods/car etc. You can't prove ownership.

All these things can be prevented by agreement in advance. My view is that if he would rather get a lodger to pay or treat you financially like a lodger instead of agreeing that you should contribute to the mortgage and receive a share of the equity as a percentage of your cobtribution then it is not the time to move in.

Please don't fall into the trap of thinking it will all be ok. You can make it ok now, please get some proper advice.

PennyPennyPenny Mon 22-Apr-13 00:24:07

Why do you have to move in now?

Could you not leave it for say 6 months, let him get a lodger or manage on his own

Be an overnight guest for a few months and see how you both feel then

olgaga Mon 22-Apr-13 00:24:48

Do you have savings yourself to fall back on if it all goes wrong?

August - if we broke up now with a baby involved I still wouldn't see that as just cause for stealing half his house since he had it before I lived here - I'd expect him to pay some maintenance so me and his child could afford to rent our own place but unless we get married as far as I'm concerned it's his house.
OP you need to do what feels right to you, cohabiting finances are always difficult to sort out but as long as you don't end up more out of pocket than your current circumstances then I think it's fair enough to contribute and just see it as your share of the rent even though its a mortgage though in your circumstances I certainly wouldn't want to be offering him more money than you're currently paying on rent otherwise you're worsening your financial state to move in with him which doesn't make sense.

olgaga Mon 22-Apr-13 00:47:14

Purple

I'd expect him to pay some maintenance so me and his child could afford to rent our own place

You do know, don't you, that he would only be required to pay you 15% of his net weekly income?

Hope he's on a good salary!

Thistledew Mon 22-Apr-13 00:51:11

I would add a caveat to my earlier post that DP moved in with me with a definite plan that if all went well, we would move and buy a property together after 6 months. He did suggest us buying and moving in together as our first experience of living together, but I wanted to trial moving in together to start with before we bought together. We did in fact stick with the plan and bought our house together 8 months after him moving in with me.

On the other hand, EXP, despite the fact that we had a deed of trust agreement for the flat that I owned because he had contributed to the deposit, he never contributed to the mortgage or bills (his contribution was supposed to be that he would take 3 months off work to do some major renovation work then would get a job and contribute financially). He never finished the work or got a job, so it was up to me to keep the mortgage payments so that we didn't lose the house and the equity with it. It was a real sign to me that he was not prepared to be an equal partner in the relationship.

FairPhyllis Mon 22-Apr-13 01:30:01

I think if you want to live together while splitting everything as he proposes then you need to rent together.

You would be paying more than you currently do in order to have a shared room and no security of tenure while paying off his mortgage for him and getting no share of the equity. That is a fundamentally inequitable situation.

What he's asking for is a situation where he in fact has more economic power over you than any landlord could ever have, because he gets equity at your expense while being able to chuck you out at any time. Plus, this is an intimate relationship, not a business relationship, and it's inappropriate for one partner to have that kind of power over the other. He needs to either accept that part of the trade off for the convenience of having his girlfriend living with him is that he recognises that there are risks involved for you too, or you become tenants in common.

TBH if someone couldn't see that I was potentially making myself vulnerable by moving in with them and make allowances for that it would probably make me think carefully about moving in with them, if not about the relationship itself.

CabbageLeaves Mon 22-Apr-13 07:41:19

Have a look here Citizens Advice

You can live together but since you are not going the whole hog of sharing then you need to be business like about the rental situation.

Otherwise he could just chuck you out with no protection. Think about what you would want if renting. Then arrange that

So
Similar financial outgoing
Contract setting out terms

CabbageLeaves Mon 22-Apr-13 07:43:32

And here more advice

lilystem Mon 22-Apr-13 07:56:52

If you both believe this relationship is going to end in marriage why don't you split the bills now and you offer to save the equivalent rent money. Then when you marry you could pay off a lump sum of the mortgage and add your name to the deeds. In your situation by paying him rent I would be concerned that he is increasing his personal assets whilst you are not. I can totally understand him not wanting to risk his assets until marriage but in the meantime you should not stop earning or saving towards your own assets.

You really need to go to a solicitor and get legal advice.

NotGoingOut17 Mon 22-Apr-13 08:13:03

To be honest his attitude would make me seriously question the relationship.. he really does want his cake! i would in no no circumstances pay anything other than half the bills unless i had a share in the house.
if you are to pay him anything the fairest way would be half your current rent.. that way you would.both be 270 a month better off..why should you gain nothing whilst hrs get 600 a month! he is massively taking through piss...2 years done the line you ve given him 14k! with nothing to show for it if you split up.
i have been with.my bf less than you.. almost year now. he is looking buy and whilst i can't contribute to deposit or match his.income we ve agreed that i will get a % of house should we split on return for paying towards mortgage payments

yes its risky to get a mortgage with someone so quickly but not as risky as being left with nothing.

NotGoingOut17 Mon 22-Apr-13 08:15:27

apologies for huge.number.of typos in previous post... bloody phone

Bowlersarm Mon 22-Apr-13 08:23:54

if you rented as you say would rather do, then if you broke up after 2/3 years or whatever then you both start from scratch again.

If you pay him £600 towards his mortgage and you break up after 2/3 years or whatever it is only YOU who starts from scratch. Not only does he get to stay living in the flat, but you've got him nicely along on the property ladder by helping pay his mortgage.

Don't contribute any more than you feel you should, and reappraise the situation frequently.

I dont think you are going to be equal in this relationship.

He can afford a mortgage and a house, and you rent a room in a flatshare. He wants you to move in with him, increase your rent, which you pay him.

He will have a surplus of £600 every month, you have higher rent, and possibly more bills to pay? You pay down on his mortgage, and you dont get to save up money for your own.

I would frankly stay put and save money so I could buy my own home.

He sees you as a financial investment to line his pockets, he is not moving you in because of love. It seems.

badguider Mon 22-Apr-13 08:36:01

When I moved in with my DH (bf at the time) he was adamant that living with him wouldn't make me worse off. So I paid him what I'd been paying before.
I didn't have an equal stake in the flat and he paid all the maintenance and furniture. If it had gone wrong I'd have moved out no worse off than when I arrived or if I'd been in his second bedroom as a lodger. That's how I wanted it and worked for us.

I don't think there's a 'right' answer. Some people will say he shouldn't ask you for anything 'if he loves you' and others will say everything should be equal. It's up to you what you're happy with.

expatinscotland Mon 22-Apr-13 08:47:06

'We arent at the stage of sharing finances, its not just him thats me as well not wanting to complicate things until engaged or married one day'

So basically it's keep him sweet whilst compromising yourself financially big time! VERY, VERY bad move.

£600/month for half the bed and half a bedroom and if you split you haven't even got a recent reference to rent another place and not including bills. So effectively about £100 more a month for half the space.

tomatoplantproject Mon 22-Apr-13 08:47:20

If he's not pushing for you to move in and is offering to get a lodger in order to put some kind of pressure on you to accept your deal you should think long and hard.

Can I offer my own situation? Within weeks we were talking marriage, babies etc. I had a 1bed flat and (at the time) dp bought a 2 bed flat. It was clearly for us - I looked with him, gave him a bit of money for renovations, invested a lot of time decorating. We moved in together and I rented out my flat. We worked it so that I was paying net same amount as I was before and we got a joint account for food, and a few meals out. I should have pushed to get a legal agreement but didn't. That flat always felt like ours rather than his and financially he made sure I wasn't in a worse situation because of moving in.

Dp became dh, we sold the flat to fund our house which we own together, and on maternity leave with dd.

The point I am making with these ramblings is that it felt natural, and dh has always made sure financially I have enough. I have never felt pressured, and never believed that I was replaceable with a lodger. If he is not looking after your interests then I would worry about how selfish he would be in the long term too.

msrisotto Mon 22-Apr-13 09:06:06

I have been in a similar position to you in that my now DH bought a place that was clearly for us both and we moved into that together. I would not have been happy to help him pay his mortgage whilst having no claim to the property at all. As it was, I just paid my proportionately fair amount of bills. We are now married so what's his is mine and vice versa, but until that point of marriage, it doesn't make sense to leave yourself in a vulnerable position. If anything, it will only create an atmosphere of imbalance with you losing out, that might creep into marriage.

redwellybluewelly Mon 22-Apr-13 09:46:01

I've been in this position twice from different viewpoints.

An ex boyfriend bought a house and I moved in, I paid half of all the bills and as I didn't drive I also paid my own transport costs to and from work. When I moved in I did think it was a forever relationship but his parents made me sign a document to say I could never lay claim to the house. I was early twenties ans in love. Four years later and going halves on every piece of furniture and extensive renovation as well as thousands in 'rent' we split up.

I never saw a penny of the money I put into that house. More frustratingly when we moved in I could have just about scraped enough together to get on the property ladder. By the time I moved out I couldn't get anywhere near a deposit or mortgage.

Learning my lesson when I did eventually buy a tiny house and my now DH moved in he paid half bills and a 'sum' towards the mortgage and maintenance of the property. As soon as we knew it was 'the relationship' for us both we put my house on the market and after a year in rented we bought a joint house with all our money. We have a completely equal share.

badguider Mon 22-Apr-13 10:02:36

I think the take-home message should be that it can work either way - either take a full stake in the house or don't, and despite what others say on this thread I don't think that one is necessarily better than the other or that one says bad things about your relationship or his 'intentions'. BUT the important thing is to make sure you are both clear which.

If you are 'just renting' then DO NOT pay over the market price and DO NOT buy any big items of furniture and DO NOT pay towards decorating or renovating or any white goods. It's ALL his responsibility if he's the only one on the mortgage.

In your case I'd say the fact you're sharing a bedroom doens't mean you only get half a room, because it's a two bed flat so as long as there's only you two you're 'renting' one whole bedroom - half of his to sleep in and half his spare room for storage/guests etc.

ZenNudist Mon 22-Apr-13 18:14:39

At the end of the day you're going to follow your heart and live with this man. It doesn't matter what a bunch of strangers on the Internet say.

He doesn't sound particularly keen to have you move in. It's been 18 months, seems like you're rushing things (I know, people do these things quickly) it doesn't seem like the time is right.

If you're determined to move in with him I'd stick with paying what you do already for rent & bills. If you split just agree that you'll move out within 4-6 weeks and start looking for a place immediately.

Alternatively just keep your place on, pay rent & bills there & spend most of your time at his. That's a low commitment option for both of you & gives you valuable space to spend time apart. Your relationship will be built on stronger foundations if you have a place to retreat to. He can get a lodger if he needs the money.

If you enter into an arrangement completely favourable to him he'll have no incentive to change it. You will be stuck doing this for years if you stay together.

I think your idea to save the extra money for your future is a good one. That way you are both building up assets that can be shared in future or easily split as if you hadn't moved in. He gets the house he wants to buy without you, you save funds for your own place, as you would have done with or without him.

If he digs his heels in I'd just stick with your current arrangements. Don't forget there's a convenience factor for him having you move in, he doesn't have to come to yours and hang out with your flat mates.

yayforspring Mon 22-Apr-13 22:36:48

Thanks everyone for your advice. It does sound like there is no right answer. At the moment I have left it with him that Im nervous about contributing to his mortgage because I would be risking more than him and paying into his "savings account" by giving him rent money. Although Im now fairly sure that I will offer what Im paying now, maybe a bit more (as he has just told me the mortgage came through as more than he was expecting, 1600 plus bills...eek), I dont want him to ask me to move in purely for financial reasons so Im not going to bring it up again and I want him to not be assuming that I would be paying a certain sum. I'll encourage him to get a lodger because he hasnt lived with anyone else for 10 years and frankly it might be useful for someone else to teach him how to do that to begin with. Perhaps I am pushing to move in a bit earlier than he is ready for so thinking about it Im going to be patient for a bit and not mention it. When we are both really ready to move in together perhaps the money side of it would be less important to both of us because it would seem like less of a risk.

redwellybluewelly Mon 22-Apr-13 22:46:17

Also.

If you move in and share a room and foodbills etc then be wary of how having a lodger might impact on that agreement. Its never happened to me but a good friend let a room from another friend. When the home owner friend met her boyfriend and he started staying regularly the bills went up. Lodger friend was a bit hmm at having to 'go halves' when it should have been 'thirds'. And that didn't end well.

Somethingtothinkabout Mon 22-Apr-13 23:25:28

Just be careful OP that this latest " <gasp> the mortgage is more than I thought!" isn't a way to manipulate you into paying more in rent to him.

I think your idea of keeping your own flat and him getting a lodger for a while is a good idea. Add I agree with you that when it's right, neither of you will be so concerned about how much to the pound you pay him.

If you insist on moving in, definitely pay no more than you are paying now, and save what you can. All renovations are to be paid by him.

I'm a bit dubious that he is quibbling with you over £60 a month, which makes me think he's a bit of a stingy git and his reasons for doing this are all wrong. I mean, £60 per month on a £56k salary is a bit miserly really.

olgaga Mon 22-Apr-13 23:53:35

Very sensible yay - good luck.

MummytoKatie Tue 23-Apr-13 00:05:49

DB has a 2 bed flat. His gf lived in a house share with people she didn't particularly like.

When she moved in she paid less than she was paying for the house share but more than the cost of the extra council tax / electricity / water etc.

Therefore both she and DB were financially better off and living in a nicer home situation than they were before. (No more meals-for-one for him and no more smelly-bloke for her.)

careerbreakMum Tue 23-Apr-13 19:59:29

This is quite a tricky question - to which i have no real answer. However this is what we did.

When I got together with my husband to be, we first got engaged (which obviously has no legal status but showed commitment) and then chose a house together which we then bought together so we are both named on the mortgage. My earning power and savings were a lot less at that point so I paid as much towards the deposit as I could, about a 1/3, and my fiancé paid the rest. My fiancé then paid the mortgage and I paid all the household bills including council tax. We kept separate bank accounts although we do have some joint savings accounts. When we had children we carried on in a similar way although my husband now transfers money into my account as I have minimal cash coming in as a SAHM.

LillianGish Tue 23-Apr-13 20:19:14

"Having just seen my sister go through hell getting out of a long term relationship with house and joint finances" - however hellish that might have seemed I assume your sister came out of it with some sort of share. How much more hellish to live with this man, break up and find yourself homeless and with no deposit because any money you might have saved has gone into paying his mortgage and doing up his house - exactly what happened to a friend of mine. I think it speaks volumes that he's talking about getting a lodger - that's why he wants you to move in - so you can help pay the mortgage and much nicer for him to have you than some stranger. My advice would be start as you mean to go on - if you are happy to be the lodger then go for it, but don't fool yourself that it's any more than that. If he thinks anything of you he'll see your point of view and put things on a fairer footing if he doesn't and you move in anyway then at least you'll be doing it with your eyes open.

Notmadeofrib Tue 23-Apr-13 20:28:42

this is the sort of situation that BURNS people all the time (usually women unfortunately). You move in, pay rent, live, love, help with the home, make it your home... split up and then get kicked out without a bean. You emotionally invest as time goes on, but you have no rights. The whole thing is built on very poor foundations. If it come tumbling down then you have nothing.
It’s mortgage, his INVESTMENT, let him pay for it. If he wants you to live there DO NOT make it more expensive for yourself. Please please do not think love will find a way because when money is involved, money will trump everything.

I would be tempted to say if you really want to live together equally; rent his place out and rent somewhere together. Do not become his lodger 'with benefits' as TBH this seems to be what is being offered.

<I have seen this many times personally with friends and professionally as an IFA and sorry for shouting and ranting but it makes me so cross>

ivanapoo Wed 24-Apr-13 09:06:21

When I moved into my now DH's flat he stopped renting out his spare room so I paid what he would have rented it at - which was half the mortgage plus half of all bills.

Fortunately this was quite affordable so we both benefited.

ivanapoo Wed 24-Apr-13 09:07:51

Er, if you both rented you would walk away with nothing too! Although I would advise not moving in together until you are fairly certain about your future.

You've said it's still early days etc. in which case, it might be best to put off moving in together until you feel it is not 'early days'.

GreenEggsAndNichts Wed 24-Apr-13 10:00:40

Seen the update from OP, sounds very sensible.

I realise some people don't see this situation as any different from a normal renting situation, but it is. OP has fewer rights in this situation, and will actually be paying more for the privilege.

Whatever you end up doing, do not pay more than what you're paying now in rented. You need to look ahead (for both yourself, and for this possible relationship). Putting more money into rent (his mortgage) means less money to put aside for a deposit on your own house. Or, a house for the two of you together. Basically, all money you're giving him now won't count towards your part of a property, for yourself or shared.

I'm not saying he should let you live there for free. But you shouldn't be worse off than you are now, just because he's decided to take on more of a mortgage than he'd planned. For the sake of seeing if this is a long-term relationship, I'd say keep things separate for now and let him take on a lodger.

mediaword Wed 24-Apr-13 11:47:02

Hi Yayforspring. See a solicitor who specialises in 'co-habiting, financial and legal'. You get 30mins free advice. You can phone and discuss that way. I have done this with my daughter who is in the same situation. It is too easy to confuse 'lodger' with 'live-in girlfriend'; you are his girlfriend. If you contribute to the mortgage then you are obviously entitled financially if you split. You really MUST discuss with a specialist solicitor/lawyer.

mediaword Wed 24-Apr-13 11:53:30

...and I have just read the sensible message from GreenEggsandNichts. You do need to look ahead. Get legal advice, please! Also, have you considered buying a place for yourself for your own financial security? You can let it out which will cover your mortgage (great deals around for first time buyers) whilst you live with your chap. It can be anywhere in the country.

Planetofthedrapes Fri 26-Apr-13 08:22:47

Just a thought...

His mortgage payment, will be mostly made up of interest on the amount borrowed, but some will be capital repayment, or payment into a policy to pay off the capital sum - in other words paying for the house.

So, to be fair yo you, I don't think you should pay towards the capital cost of the house, if you have no stake in it. You should therefore pay less than half his mortgage payment. Additionally I don't think you should pay towards any repairs or refurbishment either, or furniture (unless you can take that away with you if you split up).

aroomofherown Fri 26-Apr-13 15:14:16

I wonder how much your contribution would decrease if he took on a lodger as well? Or would you still pay £600 and he pay less?

Sclark41264 Fri 29-Nov-13 01:14:23

I have recently bought a house and spent a considerable amount renovating it in my own name. Saved the deposit and paid the first year of mortgage payments myself. I have had a girlfriend for 2 years now but I would like to know what rights I have if she was to move in now then move out after a few years of paying 50/50 towards bills but less than 1/3 towards mortgage payments. What rights would she have to my property and money? Cheers

VestaCurry Fri 29-Nov-13 01:31:14

Agree with expat's last comment and augustrain.

"I think I'd delay moving in until the two of you are truly ready to go the whole hog, tbh."

I'm keen on people being financially sensible, but honestly the only way you know if this relationship is going to last is to start living together.

If it was me, I would be thinking that I would propose paying £540, same as now, on the understanding that after a year, the two of you will review the situation and consider adding your name to the deeds and the mortgage.

So you are no worse off than now, you can start lining together but you have made it clear that long term you want to be a couple financially, not a bloke with a lodger.

FioRez Mon 24-Feb-14 16:24:41

Hi, I'm hoping this thread still has some life in it because I want to add some experiences.
I invited my OH to live with me 3 yrs ago. Obviously the extra income was welcome, but it was really having him with me which I really wanted. For the last year I've been talking about us selling the flat and buying a family place together. He has a good job and we could probably get a joint mortgage now. The equity from the flat would have given us a really good deposit which I was totally up for sharing with him, without rule. For whatever reason, our relationship is breaking down every day and although I have kept trying to work at it, things just get worse and I can't see a good future for us. I'm actually relieved that I didn't involve him with the mortgage from the start, because as much as I've wanted it to, relationships don't always work out. The equity on the property is because of my hard work and savings when I brought it (before I met him). I doubt he would ever have bought property on his own, maybe because he's not that way inclined. So I've given him a lovely place to live throughout our relationship, which he would have otherwise paid to an absent landlord. I'm just very sorry that he couldn't be bothered to work through our minor issues to see the way to a real future with complete equality on every front. I think everyone looses here, most of all emotionally.

Silvia232 Thu 13-Mar-14 04:23:24

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Quantum1971 Sat 22-Mar-14 04:22:29

I've been in a situation before of cohabiting with a boyfriend for over two years who took rent from me to help pay a mortgage in just his name. Even when I lost my job and was unemployed I continued to pay. When we split up I felt terribly jipped for stupidly helping someone pay 12k towards their mortgage when they had not shown any sign of commitment to me. I felt especially bad as I slept on a friends floor in their lounge so that I could save up a deposit on a place to rent in the months after our split.
Now I find myself in a situation where I have been with a partner for 2.5 years and renting together for the past year. My partner however has suddenly decided that he wants to buy right now and that he wants to do this in his name because he earns more, has a deposit. I've been feeling pretty awful since he told me this as I envisage ending up in a situation like before. I don't want to contribute to someone else's mortgage again without something for me. I liked the suggestion that whilst not included in the equity of the house, just splitting bills and money saved on rent to go into a pot that will enable me to come onto the mortgage at a later date together. This seems a pretty fair idea. He's not losing anything by doing that and if is serious about a future with me, should be happy with that. If he can't afford the mortgage without my contribution, then I should be on the deeds to a % what I contribute from start. I would suggest to lady that started this thread as you've not been together long, to propose he gets his tenant in do he does not need you to live with him. Then take it from there. You need to know he wants to be living with you, as apposed needs your rent! That's the mistake I made the first time. I won't again!

iolloyd Tue 01-Apr-14 17:23:45

Why is it okay to pay off the mortgage of a landlord, but when the landlord is your partner, suddenly it's not? If you were not living together, surely you would have to pay rent or a mortgage elsewhere?

Viviennemary Thu 03-Apr-14 17:09:27

I don't think I'd like to be contributing to a partner's mortgage for any length of time. As others have said you will have no rights and no home if you split up. But maybe as a short term thing it would be OK.

TypicaLibra Fri 04-Apr-14 08:21:12

iolloyd, one reason is that you are sharing a bed with the person sharing the mortgage. So really you don't have your own 'space' in the home like a proper lodger would - they would at least get their own room to do whatever they wanted with.

If the morgage is on a one-bedroomed house / flat the homeowner is taking the piss really expecting their partner to contribute significantly to the mortgage, as there's no way they could get a lodger.

Heatherbell1978 Mon 14-Apr-14 13:14:13

I was in the opposite situation when my OH moved in 2 years ago (we're now married) as I own the house. He paid me half of everything but it was less than he was paying renting a property on his own so he wasn't too bothered. However a lot of my friends said the normal arrangement would be for him to pay half of all bills and come to a separate agreement re any contribution to the mortgage. So if I were you I'd play it that way. Offer to pay half of all bills and some toward the mortgage so it adds up to what you paid before. The whole 'paying off his mortgage and not being on the deeds' isn't a great argument though because if you rent a flat, you're paying the owners mortgage but not getting a share of that flat or going on the deeds so it's kind of the same thing.

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