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Does anybody get an allowance from their DH?

(71 Posts)
LaLake Sat 23-Mar-13 21:30:27

I was at a wedding recently and got talking to another SAHM. She was telling me about a friend of hers who, on top of her allowance, got paid for all the jobs she did around the house (cooking, cleaning, etc). This was the first time I'd even heard about an allowance! I felt like a bit of a mug tbh. Needless to say my DH and I had a very interesting conversation on the way home.

Does anybody else get an allowance? What is reasonable to expect/request on a weekly basis?

Iwantmybed Sat 23-Mar-13 21:31:40

Um no. We're married, our money is shared. confused

upinthehills Sat 23-Mar-13 21:31:51

No we have a joint account - there is no his and my money. I spend what I want.

mamij Sat 23-Mar-13 21:32:34

Joint account here too. Everything is shared between us.

stargirl1701 Sat 23-Mar-13 21:32:43

No. We see our money as ours.

Shakey1500 Sat 23-Mar-13 21:33:33

I'm not a SAHM anymore but when I was, no. I think it odd really.

AnythingNotEverything Sat 23-Mar-13 21:33:57

Which bit are you shocked about? That she got an allowance, or that she got paid for extra jobs?

What happens in your house?

I'm with PPs - there is no mine and his money - we share.

upinthehills Sat 23-Mar-13 21:34:00

You are not flat mates!

VerySmallSqueak Sat 23-Mar-13 21:34:11

Do you not have any money to spend yourself currently then LaLake ?

CutePuppy Sat 23-Mar-13 21:35:40

No. We are a team, therefore there is no his and mine. It is all joint. I don't understand couples who don't pool money. I know it works for some, but it is a foreign concept t me.

WipsGlitter Sat 23-Mar-13 21:37:21

We don't pool money! Works fine for us grin

VinoEsmeralda Sat 23-Mar-13 21:41:08

When I was a SAHM I found it hard to justify to spend money on myself, DH opened an account in my name and put £250 in there every month.

IDoTakeTwo Sat 23-Mar-13 21:41:21

I have a friend who has an allowance. She has form for previous overspending and debts, so it seems to suit them,. A bit infantilising. But e debts were significant.

LaLake Sat 23-Mar-13 23:15:46

Nope. No money to spend unless I ask for some which I hate doing. I was Miss Independant when we met. Had my own house etc. When we moved in together we would put money in a joint account to cover everything that needed paying and kept our own accounts for what was left. We tried pooling everything but I didn't like it that way. Now I'm at home with the little ones and he pays for everything. I returned to work for a while after our DD was born but had to leave after our DS arrived as they are very close in age. My maternity pay stopped 6 months ago so I've had nothing since then.

I can see that DH and I are going to have to review the situation..

tribpot Sat 23-Mar-13 23:19:17

Why didn't you like it when the incomes were pooled?

I would be mortified if my DH had to ask me for money (he is a SAHD although he has a small rental income). He actually spends very little and will tend to check out bigger purchases with me first because I do the household budget.

SomeBear Sat 23-Mar-13 23:29:59

We have a joint account for day-to-day expenses, both earning similar amounts now so both contributing to it, but even when I was a SAHM and DH worked, if I wanted something I could check to see if there was sufficient money in the account for it (there rarely was!). Likewise for DH when he was a SAHD. Any big purchases are bought together. Any expenditure of savings is done by mutual agreement. We're a team. I'd feel like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman if I got an allowance and I'd refuse to do any chores if I got extra pocket money for them.

Chunkamatic Sat 23-Mar-13 23:36:56

I'm a SAHM and have a joint acc with DP, which the mortgage and utilities come out of. I then have an account in my name in which we transfer a some of money into each month for household expenses, food shopping etc. I have control of this account. The money left in the joint account is then usually frittered away by both of us by he end of the month!
This works for us as I have always felt awkward about spending money that I have not earned, not that for one second DP has ever said anything to make me feel this. But it is not an allowance for me, as such, as it covers household things. If I want a new dress Iwould pay it out the joint account.
I would hate to be paid for housework jobs,god how patronising!

uggmum Sat 23-Mar-13 23:43:44

I work part time and my salary credits my sole acc. Dh works full time and his salary also credits his sole acc. All our bills debit a joint acc and my dh credits this acc with sufficient funds to cover these bills.

Dh also gives me an allowance of £800 pm for my expenditure. This would cover petrol, expenses for the dc, entertainment etc.

My dh does work away during the week so I do the lion share of the housework. However, he does all the work in the garden during better weather.

CointreauVersial Sat 23-Mar-13 23:49:35

We've always had a joint account, and both paid money into it for bills etc, but when I gave up work for 6 years, obviously I wasn't paying anything in.Now I'm working again, but part time.

It did feel a bit strange at first to spend money on myself that I hadn't earned, but I got used to it. wink

I've never needed to justify with DH what I spend; I just use what's in the joint account.

An allowance sounds awfully 1950s.

Arion Sat 23-Mar-13 23:54:35

We have a joint account, when we were both working the wages got paid in there, and all bills paid out of there i.e. personal mobiles, household bills, etc. then we have a personal account each that gets same amount (currently £125) that is our money to spend on whatever, so magazines, books, clothes, beer etc.

No I'm a SAHM, the set up is the same although only one wage goes into the joint account.

Our money is joint, I am not an employee of my husband (allowance and being paid for jobs makes my teeth itch!). It was a joint decision that I became a SAHM so why should I be left without money because of it?

Oh, and the monthly money I get doesn't cover anything for the kids, their presents, clothes, clubs, lunch money, soft play entrance fees comes out of the joint money. The kids are a joint expense not just mine. The child benefit used to be classed in with the monthly pot.

Viviennemary Sat 23-Mar-13 23:56:12

No. But I wouldn't say no to a very generous allowance. grin Seriously, I agree it's very 1950's. Most people have joint accounts these days and just buy what they need.

BackforGood Sat 23-Mar-13 23:57:03

dh and I both get 'an allowance', if you like, out of the family pot each month - it's nice to have your own little bit of spending money which you can spend on something even if you know the other half would think it were a waste of money / trivial / too expensive, or just to be able to buy them a present.
But note the terminology. We have the family account, which all money goes into and all bills come out of, and we both access for any family spending when we need to, then out of that, comes a standing order for each of us to have our own little bit of money.

Wonderland121 Sat 23-Mar-13 23:59:39

I'm not a sahm anymore but when I was all money was ours we shared, no allowance

Tortington Sun 24-Mar-13 00:05:13

our kids are fully grown. ive always had my own bank account in my maiden name using a different bank to dh.

we get paid at different times of the month

i pay the mortage and insurances

he pays most other stuff - however, when both incomes and all outgoings are added up, dh has more disposable income left in his account.

therefore there is a monthyl transfer of funds into my account even though i earn more than dh.

it remains our money to make joint decisions on and neither of us would make a puchase of say anything over £20 without discussion.

Casmama Sun 24-Mar-13 00:08:04

Allowance and payment for jobs? Sorry but what are you- child, employee, wife? I'm not a SAHM so accept I don't have insight to this it I think you need to sort this out.

LinusVanPelt Sun 24-Mar-13 00:14:04

When DH and I were both working, we each put 60% of our paychecks into a joint account each week, and all of the household stuff came out of that. The rest stayed in our individual accounts, so when we wanted to buy something frivoulous for ourselves or bought gifts for each other, there was no feeling of having to 'okay' the expense with each other.

Now DH is a SAHD, and I put about 85% of my paycheck into the joint account. I still hold back a bit for myself, and DH transfers about the same amount from the joint account to his own account each week. That becomes 'his' money to do with as he pleases - neither of us would ever think of it as an 'allowance' from me to him, though!

We both carry joint account ATM cards as well as our own, so we both have access to our money anytime - neither of us have ever questioned what the other has drawn out, or from which account, or for what purpose.

It works for us.

jaggythistle Sun 24-Mar-13 00:15:11

We always had our own accounts, but just paid some bills each, DH did the mortgage and I did utilities, TV licence, stuff like that.

We have joint savings.

Now DH is a SAHD, I shove about half my wages into his account as its less faff with him doing most of the shopping.

The allowance thing made me shock

expatinscotland Sun 24-Mar-13 00:25:06

No. My husband was a SAHD for 4 years. He did not get an allowance. The money earned went into a joint account and a set amount debited to a joint savings account. He was and is not my paid employee but my husband. I would not treat him that way or expect similar treatment.

VerySmallSqueak Sun 24-Mar-13 10:05:27

I think it's the whole concept of allowance and getting extra money for the jobs that are done that makes the little muscles in my neck twitch.

OP you should have some money to spend and not based on your performance round the house.

Whether that be by a separate account where a proportion of money is paid in,or a less formal arrangement is personal choice.

Stropzilla Sun 24-Mar-13 10:09:56

I get £20 or 30 a week when he remembers. Was meant to be 50 but he forgets. No joint acct or card he says his bank won't give him one.

Chandon Sun 24-Mar-13 10:12:07

I could never be a SAHM if I had to ask for money! Wow...

When we made the decision that I was nt going back to work, DH money became OUR money.

We have a joint account as well as an individual account and indidual saving account each.

I am a sahm for the kids' sake, I did not sign up as DH houskeeper who should be paid according to how much housework she does hmm

Chandon Sun 24-Mar-13 10:12:55

Stropzilla, change bank en, that sounds ridiculous.

AnnoyingOrange Sun 24-Mar-13 10:13:53

We have our own accounts and a joint account for household expenses.

We have always had this arrangement, through earning similar salaries, me being SAHM and now him earning more than me

I like having my own money

Stropzilla Sun 24-Mar-13 10:16:25

Oh I know but he never has time or whatever excuse he comes up with. Of course its never an excuse really hes just been busy at work or the bank wasnt open.

VerySmallSqueak Sun 24-Mar-13 10:24:08

The big problem I can see with asking for money as and when,is that if you want to do/get something that costs a bit more and possibly your dp/dh doesn't see why it is important to you,it's not so easy.
Whereas if you have your own set amount of money per week you can make a decision to save towards a bigger spend.
I just couldn't bring myself to refer to it as an allowance.
And if my dh wanted to pay me for jobs done I would suggest he outsource the work and pay someone else as I wouldn't be into that particular power trip.Grrrr.

blibblibs Sun 24-Mar-13 10:33:49

We do the same as bakforgood. I can't imagine doing it any other way.

Chandon Sun 24-Mar-13 10:37:12

Stropzilla, the problem is not his work or the bank not being open, but you know that? If he could pick up £1000 in his local bank I am sure he could find the time in his lunch break, or one of his days off! Or you might do it over the phone or via internet, it is the modern world out here.

Or Maybe ask him take a half day off for the two of you to sort out finances. He will probably say no, as he likes you being beholden to him. Is he the " keep your women barefoot and pregant" type of guy?!

BertieBotts Sun 24-Mar-13 10:41:04

You shouldn't have to ask for money like a little girl asking her father! It's so belittling.

I hope you can get it sorted out and he's just not thought about it, rather than it being something more sinister.

BertieBotts Sun 24-Mar-13 10:41:36

Out of interest how did the conversation on the way home go?

Stropzilla Sun 24-Mar-13 10:56:39

Chandon no the problem is he doesnt see a problem. If he doesn't understand the issue, whatever it is, he won't fix it til he does. If its important to me it doesn't matter until he understands why. Once he gets it hes happy to change things. As far as hes concerned its one less thing for me to worry about. He honestly doesn't see why I'd want to worry about money stuff.

Chandon Sun 24-Mar-13 11:01:38

You have to be honest then, zilla.

You do not want to "worry aboumoney stuff", you want a smidgin of financial independence, you want to be able to buy something for yourself or a friend without havng to hold up your hand and beg him for money. You do not like him having sole control of the purse strings. You want to be more equal n your relationship....? If he does not " understand that" it does not bode well, imo.

Stropzilla Sun 24-Mar-13 11:03:56

No it took me at least 6 months of asking to get him to give me his account details. He just doesn't get why asking might be a problem. So if its not an issue for him it shouldn't be for me.

PeachActiviaMinge Sun 24-Mar-13 11:13:51

Sort this out now OP you don't want to end up like my FIL who has to beg for his £30 a month allowance from MIL while she spends the rest of the money as she chooses its ruined their relationship as she is very very controlling.

BlingLoving Sun 24-Mar-13 11:14:58

I always find it reassuring how many people on mn just share all the money because in RL dh and I are the only ones I know who do this.

What seems to be common in my circles is that couples work out what their total joint costs are, then they pay into their joint account on a proportional basis (ie, if h earns twice as much as w, he pays twice as much into the joint). Whatever is left is the individual's money. But I never understand how this works. For a start, what happens when she is on ml? Or becomes a sahm? And on a daily basis it means that the one earning more gets more spending money too. It just seems crazy to me.

clam Sun 24-Mar-13 11:17:29

Yeah, "don't you worry your pretty little head about grown up things like money, love. That's for us capable men to deal with."

Seriously??? In 2013?

LaLake Sun 24-Mar-13 20:27:29

Thank you ladies. It's always good to get some different opinions. All sorted now. DH will continue to put a lump sum into our joint account, which is for the mortgage and bills etc. Then he will put some into my own account too. We aren't looking at it as an 'allowance', more like a fair and equal share of what's left. I'm happy with that. It's me that doesn't want to pool every single penny (independent streak).

Casamama - ouch.

greentrousers Tue 26-Mar-13 13:58:48

DH pays a sum into my account once a month, so I suppose it could be seen as an allowance. We have retained our separate accounts and don't want to have a joint account, for specific financial reasons. In practice though I have access to his account as I use his card to pay for items online, and DH pays all the bills from his account, so the regular payment is just for my personal use and so I have access to cash.

It doesn't bother me as it's a very generous amount - it's actually twice as much as my own total income was before we got married, so I never really spend it all and I tend to build up some savings. It is definitely not linked to things I do or don't do around the house!

dotnet Tue 26-Mar-13 15:36:51

It's OK saying the family income is ours, not his - but if I were a SAHM with a working husband, I'd love him a lot more if he split his take home pay with me fifty-fifty after his travel costs and work lunches had been allowed for.

I'd like to see that as the norm, one day. Lots of stay at home mothers understandably hate the feeling of being beholden - so their own 50% of pay in their own bank accounts, would resolve that problem.

ginmakesitallok Tue 26-Mar-13 15:56:12

We've got one joint account where everything goes into and comes out of and the money in it is ours. OK used to earn more than dp, Now I'm part time he earns significantly more than me, but we're a team and it's our money.

SignoraStronza Tue 26-Mar-13 16:06:52

DH puts money into my account each month and most of the bills bar mortgage go from it. I do Internet banking so can keep an eye on things and am fairly organised. He spends what's leftgrin in his on his motorbike, hobbies, beer , work expenses etc and is often in overdraft, the idea of which horrifies me! The only real reason we don't share finances is because I loathe his bank with a passion and he refuses to phone/internet bank (paranoid about security). Once if his overdraft is paid off we might consider getting a joint account with co-op or something.

Panzee Tue 26-Mar-13 16:12:15

Back in the olden days the working man would hand over the whole week's pay and lady housewife would give him an allowance for a pint and a paper. She would pay all household bills etc. Perhaps this is the way to go?

ChocolateCoins Tue 26-Mar-13 16:24:45

Im a SAHM. We get £50 a week CTC which I give half to DP. The £25 a week I'm left with has to be used to for nappies/wipes/clothes/non essential food items for DD, plus anything I need for myself. Jealous of you lot that pool all your money!

whosiwhatsit Tue 26-Mar-13 16:31:17

I'm the one who works, DH is a "domestic god" and deals with the budget. As such, he doles out pocket money to me even though technically it arrived in our household via my pay check. That way I can spend it without having to think about "can we afford this..." It's my pin money, basically. Works for us.

forevergreek Tue 26-Mar-13 16:36:53

That seems crazy. So you have no money in the week? What if you need to pick up some groceries/ nappies/ coffee out/ take children swimming/ buy new socks etc etc? Do you have to ask for the exact amount? And permission?

We both work, money into joint account. Then a set amount goes into joint savings and a set amount into individual accounts. The joint account is basically used for everything day to day, individual is whatever we individually want to spend excess on ( weekend away/ expensive hobbies). So for example if I went out and brought an average price coat i would probably use joint account, but if I wanted to splurge on excessive designer coat I would use private account.

I would say as long as all bills covered, some spare left for unknown buys, save a little, do what we want with the rest.

whosiwhatsit Tue 26-Mar-13 16:39:40

I assume you were talking to ChocolateCoins, not me, forevergreek?

ChocolateCoins Tue 26-Mar-13 16:50:16

Was that for me? Well I do try to save £5 a week for times when I need a bit more. Eg DD needs new shoes. I don't spend any money on myself, or try not to. DP does occasionally get things for her.

DP pays for all the food. Because we live over 45 mins away from the nearest supermarket we make sure we don't run out of things during the week.

I know he would probably give me money if I asked but I've never had to and tbh I don't think I could.

forevergreek Tue 26-Mar-13 16:54:45

It was to anyone who has to ask their dh everytime they need to buy a pack of tampons or new pants for their child!

Chocolatecoins- I am saddened and shocked tbh that you have to save your money for new shoes for children when your dh has enough money in the account.
Completely different if you are feeling the pince as a family, but for you to struggle and you dh to be able to buy a coffee and his own shoes when he fancies, that IMO isn't on

Ragwort Tue 26-Mar-13 16:57:14

Bling - we share everything too wink - when we got married we both had our own homes but we pooled everything, bought our new home together, had a shared bank account; at that point we had very similar income levels. Since that day (25 years ago grin) we have always shared the bank account, I have been a SAHM for 12 years, hopefully with no itention of returning to work .......... I guess it helps that we have very similar ideas about spending money but I would never expect to 'ask' for anything, I know how much we have, I am capable of making a sensible decision as to whether or not we can afford something. Neither of us would ever go overdrawn or take out an overdraft. There have never been any 'nasty surprises' financially. It's the one area we've never disagreed on throughout our married life (plenty of others though grin).

SirChenjin Tue 26-Mar-13 17:00:15

No, because we both work. I do know someone who is a SAHM and not only does she get an allowance, but she has to budget from that allowance and doesn't have access to the bank account.

She is a bright, witty, intelligent, outgoing person - quite why she puts up with this nonsense I have not the faintest idea.

forevergreek Tue 26-Mar-13 17:01:01

Whosiswhatsit- that sounds v logical to me

whosiwhatsit Tue 26-Mar-13 17:04:19

I get £50 a week, that's plenty for whatever takeout or coffees or anything I could want, or I can save it for clothes. Tampons get bought with the regular shop (or they would if I needed them but have a mirena coil so no need) and we don't have children (or cost centres as the lady on superscrimpers calls them :-) ). For us it's just a matter of budgeting which allows us to overpay our mortgage by the max allowed and save on top of that. Of course if I really wanted to spend more I would but my OH and I just prefer to be quite careful with our money. He only takes £20 a week for himself but I'm quite greedy I guess.

pollypandemonium Tue 26-Mar-13 17:05:47

Chocolatecoings - CTC goes into the account selected by the main caregiver. If you are SAHM it is your right to have that money put into the account of your choice. It is calld Child tax credit, not Father's tax credit. It is for them - you are their carer and you say what it is spent on.

whosiwhatsit Tue 26-Mar-13 17:05:51

Oh thank you, forevergreek, I saw your post after I typed my longer "defence" of what we do!

pollypandemonium Tue 26-Mar-13 17:07:10

In our family everything (bar benefits/ tax credits) goes into one account. Cash goes in a pot and we have a race to see who can spend it first. wink

ChocolateCoins Wed 27-Mar-13 20:33:32

Polly, it does go into my account but I have to give half to DP. Its a bit shit but I'm used to it now. It could be worse! I'm a lot luckier than some. smile

LahleeMooloo Wed 27-Mar-13 20:56:45

This thread makes me shudder at how women can relinquish so much financial responsibility. You'd be buggered if you ever split up. I'm an extreme example as I've raised ds alone since birth without a penny from his dad. I have my own house, pension and savings and never needed a man financially and never will. Some of you are in such vulnerable positions :-(

birdofthenorth Wed 27-Mar-13 21:13:15

Gosh hope DH doesn't see this; I'm not a SAHM but work part-time and am paid much less than him, and am domestically useless. All funds pooled, one account. I suspect if it occurred to DH to financially incentivise my domestic contribution to the household he'd find it hilarious!

CelticPromise Wed 27-Mar-13 21:27:59

Chocolate why do you 'have to' give half?? Does he insist?

I'm a SAHM mostly, do odd bits of work. We pool all our money except my emergency fund. We buy what we want/need and discuss any big purchases. Neither of us is extravagant so it works well.

Fairylea Wed 27-Mar-13 21:36:48

I can't understand not pooling finances!

I am a sahm and dh and I have two joint accounts. One household, all outgoings etc. One spending and incomings - wages and tax credits etc everything. We transfer a set amount to the household and then share whatever is left in the spending. We have equal spending money. We never ask each other if we can spend, we just do. We are both sensible and have never been overdrawn.

And before people think we must be rich (ha!) Dh works full time on minimum wage near enough and we have two dc.

I was married to someone very tight with money a long time ago and when I met dh we talked openly about finances and both agreed long term we could never understand having separate finances.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 27-Mar-13 22:17:28

Everything is joint here, and we each have the same amount of 'spending money' that we put in our own accounts.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 27-Mar-13 22:21:10

Chocolate you are experiencing financial abuse.

You are an unmarried SAHM, you are not linked financially with your DP in any way. He would owe you not a penny if he kicked you out tomorrow. FGS at least protect yourself a little by keeping your tax credits. What happens to the child benefit?

Who made him your boss? Do you rent, own? Joint mortgage, is your name on the deeds?

In all honesty, I think you have it worse than 99% in terms of having financial equality in your relationship.

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