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Is my husband deceiving me?

(77 Posts)
BlackMaryJanes Sat 23-Feb-13 14:36:10

I am a SAHM. He earns 52k. We have two toddlers. We live in a tiny 2-bed flat with a mouldy bathroom, sink taps that don't work, holes in the floor, a boiler that doesn't work, an oven that doesn't work. We need to get out of this hell hole.

But...

DH has a poor credit record. The flat has no equity. We have no savings.

DH says there is no way we can leave for the foreseeable future.

I am very ignorant on financial matters. He gives me an allowance to spend each month on myself and the kids (I actually like it this way, as I am naive with money and liable to over-spend).

Anyway, is he telling the whole story? Are we stuck in this flat? My friends think this is bizarre on a wage of £52K.

Help Mumsnet mums!

mamageekchic Sat 23-Feb-13 14:41:40

How much is the flat worth? How much are your outgoings? Do you have any savings?

How much is the mortgage? Are you in negative equity or just no equity? How much would it be to rent a better standard of home in your area?

canyou Sat 23-Feb-13 14:44:00

Does he have debts to repay? My DP earns about that much but with child maintenance and his exwifes maintenance taking 2/ of his wages he has very little left and I pay the bulk of our bills and meet our DC financail needs. You would really need to understand the out goings to know the ans not his income

canyou Sat 23-Feb-13 14:44:36

taking 2/3 of his wages

nocake Sat 23-Feb-13 14:45:20

A salary of £52k means he's bring home around £2.8k a month. Unless you have an enormous mortgage that is plenty to live on and allow for savings, repairs etc. You need to start taking some financial responsibility and asking some questions. Why is there no equity in the flat? Has the mortgage been extended and what happened to the money? Where does the money go each month? What debts does he have and how much do they cost you each month?

Longdistance Sat 23-Feb-13 14:45:57

That is very bizarre. I'd like to know what he is spending that money on. My dh was on similar money when we lived in the Uk, and we were comfortable.

If you don't have a joint account, you'll never know where the money's going, unless you can get hold of some of his bank statements.

I had a similar problem with dh, but that I wanted a joint account to see everything going on, as he seemed to deflect where the money had gone. I found out that he was using the money to buy shares with angry

I smell bullshit op. Do some detective work.

It depends entirely on how big your mortgage is and how much "allowance" he gives you!

Seriously though, if you have two children you need to start thinking like a grown up. You cannot afford to remain 'naive' and 'ignorant' about financial matters - it really isn't safe hmm. All you need is a calculator, to help you add up. There is no point in complaining to us about your situation as long as you're happy for your DH to have full control over the family finances.

HollaAtMeBaby Sat 23-Feb-13 15:18:58

OP you have posted so many times about your awful situation sad please DO something. You are in such a vulnerable position - tiny children, no job, no career history pre-children, no visibility of your household's finances (there is no way that you should be so short of money and unable to move on a £52k salary, IIRC you are in the NE), an unsupportive husband who is mean with money and horrible to you in front of your DCs, and IIRC you are not named on the deeds of your marital home.

Based on this calculator your DH will be getting just over £3000 a month paid into his bank account. How much of that do you get? Where is all the household paperwork - bills, bank statements etc? If it's in the flat, please take the opportunity when your DH is at work to stick your older child in front of Cbeebies and start going through the files when the younger one is napping. Be careful to cover your tracks. I think you'll find your DH has a secret savings account at the very least.

HecateWhoopass Sat 23-Feb-13 15:22:54

No idea. Unless he's got massive debts, it does not seem realistic that there's nothing left on an income like that.

How much is the mortgage? How much are the bills - gas, electric, water, phone, etc? Food? fuel?

You need to know how much is going out and where it's going to.

Why don't you know this? Will he not share it with you?

If that's the case - you are very vulnerable, aren't you?

don't infantalise yourself. You are a grown woman and you have children. You have a responsibility to understand about money, about bills and all that. If he is blocking you from having the information you need in order to understand the family's financial situation - that is worrying.

specialsubject Sat 23-Feb-13 15:38:04

even if he had the credit history from hell, with an income like that he can pay six months rent in advance and any landlord will take you on that. If there are REALLY no savings then he is pissing it away big time.

the 'I am naive about finances' is, to be brutal, pathetic. You are an adult, grow up and find out what the hell is going on.

BlackMaryJanes Sat 23-Feb-13 15:47:57

Flat worth 80K but we're in negative equity (only just).

No substantial debt, just a big over-draft.

Why is there no equity in the flat?

This was a Northern Rock mortgage that was 104% in 2005. The value of the flat if sold today would only pretty much cover the remaining cost of the mortgage.

Where does the money go each month?

Food is the bulk. We live on ready meals, packaged food, bottled water, etc. Food is a huge chunk of our income.

tribpot Sat 23-Feb-13 15:52:17

So your allowance doesn't cover food? He's spending his salary on crap but can't afford to fix the oven?

Have you posted many times before, as Holla says?

difficultpickle Sat 23-Feb-13 15:54:13

Why can't you get the broken things fixed and why can't you cook rather than living off ready meals and bottled water?

HecateWhoopass Sat 23-Feb-13 15:54:17

Why do you live on that stuff? Of course it's your choice but it's really not healthy, is it? And ridiculously expensive.

Have you considered looking at how you spend the money and identifying where it can be cut to allow for other things?

happyAvocado Sat 23-Feb-13 15:57:25

have you ever seen bank statement from his account?

Gay40 Sat 23-Feb-13 15:59:58

Really?
Really?

sooperdooper Sat 23-Feb-13 16:08:50

This doesn't add up at all, on a mortgage of £80k, even with little equity the mortgage repayments can't be more than about £500 ish a month?

You need to sit down with your husband like an adult and run through all the household bills, incomings, mortgage, bills, food, what he gives you etc and figure out what's what, and you need to see a copy of his bank statement so you can see where the money is going

£3,000 is a decent amount of money to have coming in each month, an £80k mortage to pay can't be the bulk of your outgoings, how much are you paying out on food each month if you think that's the bulk?

Why can't you get the things fixed that need fixing? The flat being in disrepair won't help it's value and there should be money to fix the things you're saying are broken

sooperdooper Sat 23-Feb-13 16:09:42

Oh, and even if there's no equity in the flat you could still rent it and move somewhere bigger (rented) if you need the space?

BlackMaryJanes Sat 23-Feb-13 16:20:30

So your allowance doesn't cover food? He's spending his salary on crap but can't afford to fix the oven?

No my allowance is for things like clothes, toys, soft play entry, etc.

why can't you cook rather than living off ready meals and bottled water?

Neither of us are any good at cooking. I'm very anal with food (chronic calorie counting - lots of food issues). Aside from the food, we don't live extravagently. Never have a holiday, don't buy expensive clothes, don't go on 'dates'. The food is the only 'luxury' we have really.

have you ever seen bank statement from his account?

He's sending them over now, after a recent argument.

Why can't you get the things fixed that need fixing?

A new boiler is £1,500. We deffo don't have that lying around. We paid a bloke £250 to 'fix' it recently but it's very old and unfixable.

happyAvocado Sat 23-Feb-13 16:31:17

once you have those statements make sure you understand where each of the amount has gone
is there forgotten gym membership somewhere you may scrap or are you paying too much in electricity and other utility bills?

you already have your allowance in cash I guess - so summarize all cash withdrawals, deduct the amount you were given for that month, how big are those withdrawals?

group the rest of outgoings into few groups such as travel/car, mortgage+repayments+insurance, bills

make note of each amount and then once you have each separate you can investigate if there are savings to be made

wonkylegs Sat 23-Feb-13 16:36:10

If you want to stick with him and get control of your life you are going to have to do two things that you've so far avoided. Learn how to understand basic finances and learn how to cook/prepare basic meals. You have obviously got Internet access so this is a huge help.
If you can understand basically your financial circumstances; what's coming in and going out each month you can see where changes that make a real difference can be made even if it's only a tiny bit at a time. It's amazing how tiny bits can add up.
I also say learn to cook as basically you want an out of this situation and an obvious way to save money and enable you to change is staring you in the face. If you are calorie counting freshly prepared food is often better than ready meals it's just less obvious as calories/salt etc isn't printed on a box.
Try simple recipes - google is your friend for this.
The motivation to make these changes is that you don't want to live like this and with your partners income and some effort you should be able to take charge of your situation. It probably isn't easy but it's not impossible either.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sat 23-Feb-13 16:41:55

If you're anal with food, surely ready meals are not a good thing to eat? They are full of crap.

I would rather have a holiday than eat ready meals, and I would rather have a new boiler than a holiday.

I cannot cook either, but there are some foods that are so simple to do.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 23-Feb-13 16:45:38

"Anyway, is he telling the whole story? "

Clearly 'no'. You need to start seeing bank and credit card statements and understanding exactly where the money is going or where it has gone. As someone has said, he's bringing home about £2800/month. If you're not spending extravagantly yourself and you're only servicing a £90k mortgage, he must be spending it somewhere.

So make sure you see all the statements & get access to any online accounts for cards, loans and so on. Overdrafts are a very expensive way to borrow money and servicing debt can soak up a lot of spare cash. If debt is where the money is going, you could consider talking to one of the free debt advisory services such as CAB, CCCS and National Debtline.

I'd also recommend that you make an effort to educate yourself on financial matters.... it's vital. The website www.moneysavingexpert.com has some excellent information and discussion forums

HecateWhoopass Sat 23-Feb-13 16:53:18

Be careful with the toddlers and raising them on ready meals, won't you? They really aren't very good for them. High salt content, lacking in nutrients, etc.

I am not donning my judgy pants and tutting at you, honestly, but please be aware that constant ready meals are not good for you and certainly not good for your children.

StillSeekingSpike Sat 23-Feb-13 16:54:59

You also need to start sorting yourself out. As said above, find the statements , find the bills, be your own detective.
get the cooker and the taps fixed. You can ring a tradesman during the day and ask for a quote. But for GDS SAKE_ fix that mouldy bathroom as a priority. there is a mould that grows in bathrooms that can be very dangerous to the health of small children.

Booyhoo Sat 23-Feb-13 16:59:35

sorry OP but you are going to have grow up and drop this label you are clinging onto of being 'naive' about money. that is a cop out.

you are an adult, a parent and a homeowner, at the very least you have a responsibility to yourself to know what your life is costing you and how to improve it by yourself if needs be. it is ridiculous that you have handed over the entire financial responsibility and control to your partner to deal with. you need to regain your responsibility and be in a certain amount of control over what things are costing and how teh money is being spent.

Iseeall Sat 23-Feb-13 17:09:05

Make an appt with the CAB. Take all your financial paperwork with you ,bills, mortgage, bank statements etc and explain you cannot budget for simple basic home repairs. They should easily be able to help you with a budgeting plan and see where you may be going wrong. You do sound as though you have enough monthly income that you should be able to afford household repairs.
Mumsnet has lots of easy cheap meal ideas if you don't want to depend entirely on ready meals.

HollaAtMeBaby Sat 23-Feb-13 17:17:39

Yes tribpot, the OP has posted numerous times, going back months, under at least 2 names, and has received vast amounts of good advice and support every time.

Some people do seem to keep coming back with variations of the same problem without being prepared to make any changes. It's frustrating and depressing, especially when they have small DCs, but what can you do?

nickelbabe Sat 23-Feb-13 17:18:27

no, he's definitely not telling the whole story.

your flat is worth £80k.
if it was 104% mortgage, I'll ignore that as 100% because it's not much on £80k.
if you assume your interest rate is the average interest rate at the moment, what 3%
25 years on 3% for £80k is £383 a month.

he's on £52k and comes home with £2.5k ish a month.
so, imagine your mortgage allows £400 a month, that leaves you with £2100 a month for other stuff.
an £80k flat is going to have a very small council tax rate, maybe £100 a month?
so that takes you down to £2k.
bills - well, as your boiler and damp issues you're probably paying £80-90 a month on elec and the same on gas.
water £200 a year? £35 a month

so now we're down to £1800 a month.

There's more to this, there must be - no one can possibly earn £52k a year, own a £80k flat and not be able to afford to replace a boiler.
it's just not fathomable.

he must have huge debts, or a gambling problem, or be hiding money from you.

you really do have to think about your food bill, though, i bet most of what you buy can be stopped or reduced.
and it's not hard to learn to cook - just be very careful following the recipe.

oh, and PLEASE get a carbon monoxide tester, as if he doesn't care about mould and the boiler, he's probably killing you with CO emissions.

nickelbabe Sat 23-Feb-13 17:21:18

ah, you're the one whose DP wouldn't help out with the kids in the evening when he got home from work.

happyAvocado Sat 23-Feb-13 17:23:41

on 52K (assuming he is telling the truth) he will be getting over 3K a month

kitsmummy Sat 23-Feb-13 17:32:23

Slightly pedantic but if he's paying into a pension he'll take home more like £2600 pm, even less if he has a company car for example.

their mortgage could easily be £500, food £700 (for all ready meals etc), other direct debits £500 (eg insurances, bills, council tax etc etc).

that would then leave £900 which will have to fund Op's allowance (a few hundred perhaps?), his spending money and family spending money. I'm not defending the Op's DP but as we don't actually know what figures we're talking about there very feasibly may not be loads of cash hanging around.

the Op needs to get more knowledgeable about their situation, but all I'm saying is that they are not necessarily rolling in cash on a £52k salary.

BlackMaryJanes Sat 23-Feb-13 18:15:10

If you're anal with food, surely ready meals are not a good thing to eat? They are full of crap.

But, as others have said, it is very easy to count cals when everything is stated on the box. I'm got major food issues so I'd end up weighing every tiny ingredient and calculating cals if I cooked everything from scratch. I know this is insane but my issues are deep.

I cannot cook either, but there are some foods that are so simple to do.

I'm pretty sure I couldn't cook the ready meal equivalents with fresh food and keep the cals down. I'm not going to cook hot pots from scrach every day.

Be careful with the toddlers and raising them on ready meals, won't you?

Oh I don't give them ready meals. They have a range of food - pasta, meat, potatoes, cheese, fruit. As they're obviously not calorie counting I'm not restrictive with their intake. I don't need to know the exact cal amounts of their food.

BlackMaryJanes Sat 23-Feb-13 18:18:13

Make an appt with the CAB. Take all your financial paperwork with you ,bills, mortgage, bank statements etc and explain you cannot budget for simple basic home repairs.

Are they financial advisors? I've never been to the CAB before but would be willing to.

wonkylegs Sat 23-Feb-13 18:29:31

Easy healthy recipes with calories counted for you are widely available on the net and needn't take much time for example.
www.bbcgoodfood.com/content/recipes/healthy/200-400-cal/
each recipe has calorie breakdown at the bottom.

Iseeall Sat 23-Feb-13 18:40:19

My son works for the CAB. Yes they will help you. CAB can be very busy but once you have an appt they will help and advise. They give good impartial advice and can point you in the right direction if you can get better help elsewhere. It is a good starting point for you so please try them. Good luck

thixotropic Sat 23-Feb-13 18:48:03

Could you not cook your own ready meals. If you are going to weigh ingredients, then why not batch cook 10 meals worth and freeze?

BlackMaryJanes Sat 23-Feb-13 19:09:59

Here's a breakdown of everyday cuttables:

£15 per week in ready meals (me).
£8 per week in ready meals (DH)
£16 per week in gym classes (both of us combined).
£8 per week on beer.
£12 per week DH at the pub.
£18 per week in diet pepsi.
£30 per week in eating out.
£5 per week in jelly (for the 2 days when I fast).
£5 per week in snacks (DH).
£6 per week in snacks (me).
£15 per week in Sky (tv and broadband).
£70 per week in petrol.
£15 per week toll fee (to access a tunnel on route to work). (DH).
£50 per week (my allowance).
£20 per week storage.
£4 per week in bottled water.

So are we selfish over-spending incompetent arseholes?

HecateWhoopass Sat 23-Feb-13 19:18:29

grin

It's not about what you spend. It's about whether it's affordable.

If you were millionaires, then that would be frugal. If you were borrowing or going into an overdraft then it would make you idiots. grin

If you are saying you can't afford to have a cooker fixed, or treat a damp problem, or fix a boiler - then you look at where the money is going and stop the non essentials! - cancel sky, forget about the snacks, cut down your allowance, switch from bottled water to tap, cancel the gym, stop eating out, etc. And you will have the money for a new cooker, have the money to ensure your bathroom isn't full of harmful spores, have the money to fix your boiler. At which point - you add the luxuries back in.

It will require saving! You can't do all that in your list above if doing it means you can't deal with basic things like ensuring your home has a working oven!

It's about priorities. Is bottled water and the gym more important than a faulty boiler and a bathroom that may be screwing up your family's lungs?

HecateWhoopass Sat 23-Feb-13 19:22:12

For example, I can see right there how you could shave about £100 a week. That's £5200 a year.

pansyflimflam Sat 23-Feb-13 19:26:46

So are we selfish over-spending incompetent arseholes?

erm......................................

GettingObsessive Sat 23-Feb-13 19:27:22

I don't mind what you spend your money on OP (although it does seem like some rebalancing of finances generally could go in) but £18 a week on diet Pepsi? Are you bathing in the stuff?!

specialsubject Sat 23-Feb-13 19:33:27

'fasting' on jelly, diet pepsi and bottled water.

please get help. Your children cannot be brought up with this kind of example.

StuffezLaBouche Sat 23-Feb-13 19:46:26

How the fuck does anyone spend £18 per week on diet pepsi?
Sorry for sounding harsh but if you can't be bothered.getting off your backside and educating yourself about financial issues that directly affect you and your kids, you bloody deserve to be shafted.
Yup, That's not a.nice.thing to say but how do you imagine the rest of the functioning.adult world.copes?!

nextphase Sat 23-Feb-13 19:55:11

Thats not the full list of what is spent tho.
And the full list is needed to identify if your DH is hiding something.
So, what do the following cost:
mortgage
Gas and electric
water
debts
phones
Sky / broadband other TV
Any other subscriptions

It does look like there are lots of things which can be cut from the list above

notapizzaeater Sat 23-Feb-13 19:56:11

Buy a slow cooker and cook some of your meals from scratch - this would save you loads and you don't really need to be able to cook ! Sop drinking diet Pepsi, swop to squash or water. Buy. Brita filter jug thingy and drink the water (although nothing wrong with tap water we drink gallons and are still alive !!!). Use the money saved and pay for some repairs. Make jelly from packs.

Snazzynewyear Sat 23-Feb-13 19:58:53

I was also shock at the £18 on diet pepsi. Where are you buying it from? Soft drinks are usually on offer at supermarkets but even at garage type prices that's got to be you drinking more than 2 litres a day.

I second the advice to go to CAB. Also you need full access to your family bank account, not just your husband sending one statement over.

HecateWhoopass Sat 23-Feb-13 20:01:19

and insurance, nextphase. car insurance, home insurance, life insurance, etc. tv licence, council tax...

I wonder if the OP listed only those things she herself considers non essential?

nextphase Sat 23-Feb-13 20:07:48

Yep, Thanks Hecate. I knew I'd forget lots.
But I guess, OP I was just saying without knowing where all the money goes, you can't judge is there is some "missing" or if it is all accounted for, and is just a case of cutting back.

difficultpickle Sat 23-Feb-13 20:08:43

Why are you paying £20 a week on storage? The only essentials on your list are probably petrol and the toll.

MorningCoffee Sat 23-Feb-13 20:14:37

You have no oven....
But go to the gym & pub & have eat out?
I would put all this on hold to fix my flat first...

mamageekchic Sat 23-Feb-13 20:14:48

Ok so that little list above comes to about £1200 pm

Add on:

£500 mortgage
£100 council tax
£100 gas & electric
£300 household shopping/toiletries/cleaning products/nappies(?)
£50 car insurance
£50 house insurace
£50 mobiles (?)
£10 tv license
£30 overdraft interest/fees

Is about another £1200 leaving about £300 spare if he's paying into a pension and assuming he owns the car outright and not servicing any debt... It doesn't include christmas/birthdya presents/haircuts/days out...

I can see where it goes.

BlackMaryJanes Sat 23-Feb-13 20:36:21

HecateWhoopass

I listed 'cuttables'.

Tweasels Sat 23-Feb-13 20:49:39

Tis bullshit this, surely?

SolomanDaisy Sat 23-Feb-13 20:57:55

How is the tunnel fee and petrol a cuttable?

Both you and your husband are terrible with money it seems. You could easily afford to either make your flat nice or move elsewhere, but you prioritise other things. You need to decide whether you're prepared to change that. TBH, I suspect the state you've allowed the flat to get into is related to your mental health issues. Are you getting treatment for your PND and eating disorder?

HecateWhoopass Sat 23-Feb-13 20:58:35

So cut them.

And fix your cooker and your boiler and get the bathroom sorted etc.

SolomanDaisy Sat 23-Feb-13 20:59:26

Tweasels, no, she has posted many times and it seems very genuine.

Shakey1500 Sat 23-Feb-13 21:05:49

That list you posted. Are you able to accept that it isn't (I'm loathe to use the word "normal").....usual? Especially the £18 in diet pepsi! I'm really shocked at that.

You seriously need to assert yourself and start learning how to cook properly for yourself, how to manage finances and finally...to accept the many, many pieces of advice you've been given.

You have a responsibility to do so. Or nothing will change.

zipzap Sat 23-Feb-13 21:23:36

Have a look on the moneysavingexpert.com site. There are some basic simple budgeting spreadsheets that you can download and work through. Do it together with your dh to understand what money you have and where it is going.

Then, work through all the points they give you to give yourself a money workout and cut costs of things like insurance, utilities etc to make sure you're not throwing money away unnecessarily.

Sign up for their weekly email and get in the habit of reading it to keep money saving in the front of your mind.

But writing things down is the only way to work out your position now. And it's a good way to try to extricate figures from your dh if he is less than forthcoming. Say the way prices are changing for food and household things you need to reassess how and what you are spending on plus work out if you need more money.

MomaP Sat 23-Feb-13 21:29:00

Hear Hear shakey - I couldn't of said it better myself.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 24-Feb-13 08:14:13

OP you clearly have the handle on what I'd call incidental/variable expenses... petrol, groceries, Sky subscription etc. which is fair enough as you seem to be paying for those. But, leaving those to one side, what about the bigger regular expenses most of us face? Mortgage, council tax, utility bills etc. Those usually comprise the biggest percentage of household budgets. Also things like loans & credit card bills can be a big factor these days.

In other words, what is your family (DH) spending on things that you aren't in direct control of? That's what you need to find out from the bank and other statements.

HollaAtMeBaby Sun 24-Feb-13 09:17:09

OP, is your husband letting you use the tumble drier yet?

GirlOutNumbered Sun 24-Feb-13 09:33:48

You many want to research excessive diet soda consumption....

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 24-Feb-13 09:57:13

I think people are getting side-tracked with the ready-meals etc. If you have an eating disorder... which it sounds like... do make sure you're getting treatment/therapy from your GP. Referral to a dietician may help you be more confident about food preparation for example. But also do be aware that disordered eating and other behavioural issues can be a response to extreme stress. If you feel out of control of big chunks of your life.... and living in squalor and having no clue where all the money has gone would qualify... then you will be tempted to self-medicate or gain control in other areas. Some people turn to ADs or alcohol to cope. You may be resorting to extreme behaviour around food and exercise.

happyAvocado Sun 24-Feb-13 14:10:55

cutting down on snacks and diet-drinks would easily paid for new cooker and refurb for a bathroom in a year

what about your DH's lunches at work?

McKayz Sun 24-Feb-13 18:36:13

£18 a week on diet pepsi.

Jesus

ivykaty44 Sun 24-Feb-13 23:16:08

Op if your dh earns £52k per year then his take home/net pay should be:

£36 938 per year

or

£3 078 per month

I would sit down with your dh and ask him how much the bills are, you are together and tbh for all you know he may be naive about money but to afraid to admit it as you are saying the same. So why not work together to set things out and then you both know where the money is going.

Set yourselves some common goals together.

I would sit down with a long list of bills and together fill in what you are spending on what.

Then together decide where you would like to cut back and how much you can save per month.

If you have a goal it is easier to swap an expense for something cheaper to achieve the goal.

you need to communicate and make joint choices to work towards

Adversecamber Sun 24-Feb-13 23:19:49

Please do see your GP, personally I'm worried your only eating jelly for two whole days a week.

I would imagine that you have not sat down and tackled it with him as suggested yet became you spend so much of your time trying to keep it together. You do sound so desperately unhappy please see your GP.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sun 24-Feb-13 23:30:05

£18 on diet pepsi? Do you know what all that sweetener is doing to you? It is worse for you than full sugar soft drinks because your body doesn't know how to process it properly.

OP you need to have a word with yourself, get to your GP and start sorting your life out. Get some help for your ED, learn to cook and educate yourself about your family's finances.

I cannot believe you are spending money on eating out, £50 a week on clothes toys and outings, £18 on diet pepsi, gym membership and so on, rather than fixing your home so that it is a healthy place for your children to live.

PatsysPyjamas Sun 24-Feb-13 23:33:30

Are you sure he earns 52K? That is a large salary for the North East, and it means his salary must have increased massively since 2005, when he had to borrow 104% on an 80k property.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sun 24-Feb-13 23:40:59

Why does it mean his salary must have increased? If he had no deposit then it was because he had no savings.

£52k is a decent salary, but not such megabucks that bad spending choices don't have a big impact.

PatsysPyjamas Sun 24-Feb-13 23:47:07

Ah, you're right. I was just assuming that it meant 80k was more than 4x his salary.

FairPhyllis Mon 25-Feb-13 00:49:06

Well whatever is going on, you need to find out for yourself.

Say he makes 20% pension contributions (probably an overestimate) on a salary of 52k. That leaves a take-home figure of £31008, or 2584 a month. Using national averages for some of the things below ...

Mortgage: at 3% for £83200 is £392 a month
Council tax: say 100
Gas and electric: 100
Water: 50
TV licence: 12
Contents insurance: 14
Life insurance: 60
Petrol: 280
Car insurance: 50
Tolls: 60
TV/broadband: 60
Household stuff: 100
Phones: say 100

Total: £1378 a month, leaving £1206. Now your list of things above came to £788 a month (not including the items I factored in above like petrol). That still leaves you with £418 a month. Now I don't know how much you spend on food - it could be that you spend £400 a month on food on top of the 'cuttables' and that is why you have nothing leftover. But it is not unreasonable to think that you should be able to get your flat fixed on that kind of income.

So it could be one of several things: you could be paying over the odds for utilities; you could be spending too much on food and 'cuttables'; or your husband could be hiding money or gambling or whatever. Whichever it is, you will still end up continuing to live in this horrible situation unless you do something about finding out how much money you actually have.

You do sound vulnerable though, OP, so I think you are right to be worried your DH might be taking advantage of this and hiding things.

keli5325 Mon 25-Feb-13 11:37:54

I can see you have had lots of advice on here and I also think you should seek some help for your eating disorder, i understand how this has developed if you are living like this:

Your husband will take home £2981 per month and you may also get Child benefit ( not sure if this is the case due to the recent change)

Your expenses approx (estimated as we dont know the full facts)
Mortgage £500
Council Tax £100
Gas and electric: 100
Water: 50
TV licence: 12
Contents insurance: 14
Life insurance: 60
Petrol: 280
Car insurance: 50
Tolls: 60
TV/broadband: 60
Household stuff: 100
Phones: say 100
Food and toiletries 400

All this comes to essential expenses of £1186 however if you add in all the "extras" that you pay out for at £776 per month = £1962, that still leaves £1018 per month "disposable income"

The questions you should be asking is what is DH doing with that disposable income every month??

HappyMummyOfOne Mon 25-Feb-13 17:23:02

You need to sort out your eating habits, you are the main example to your children and if they grow up thinking its the nirm to live on ready meals, jelly and pepsi then they will have huge problems in life.

Secondly, you are an adult. Arrange to replace the broken items and fix the things that are mendable. Ditching the junk alone will easily free up a lot of income and you need a cooker for your children more than you need sky tv.

If your DH has bad debts that he needs to service, then you need to have an adult conversation and work things out. He is already carrying the burden of being the main breadwinner. However surely his debt cannot be that bad as you planned two children and surely finances was part of that planning.

Given you have no income and no access to it, you would be wise to start working yourself as you currently have no financial planning should things go wrong. You are in a very vunerable situation.

littlemisssarcastic Mon 04-Mar-13 23:21:33

I could buy 28 litres of diet coke for £18!! shock
£69 a week on ready meals, jelly and snacks and eating out (Is this restaurant or takeaway?) and £30 a week on drinks has actually left me speechless. You're spending virtually £100 a week on crap food and drink for 2 adults, that's not including anything other than food or drink for 2 adults. That is crazy!!! Are you ill often?

My advise would be to take steps to resolve your food issues.

You are spending over £15K a year on what you describe as everyday cuttables?? Therein lies your answer.

I wonder why you have a gym membership too OP. I don't think I'd be spending over £800 a year on a gym membership in your position OP.

3monkeys3 Tue 05-Mar-13 08:49:53

I do think it is possible for all money to be eaten up, even on a good salary. My dh earns £80K and gets an annual bonus, which varies - was £40K last year and £25K the year before. So on paper we are really well off. We have a 2 bedroom house with 3 dc and can't move at the moment. We have quite a bit of debt (we've already paid off loads and still have £20K or thereabouts). I am about to post about how to prioritise our money!

I have halved my shopping bill by meal planning. I was spending £160 per week and then more topping up (so probably £200 in total) - I am now spending £80 per week on the main shop! I still have to top up, but you can see the saving! This has freed up a huge amount of disposable income and we feel like we are getting somewhere. You need to really look at your money sitaution properly - it sounds to me like you prefer not to know, but you'll never get anywhere unless you do.

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